AIBU to not want my sister to be friends with my ex and his wife?

[ImmyM]

Hi, it's a really long story but in summary:

Met ex at work years ago, I also worked with my sister's boyfriend and he was friends with my ex (although not best buddies).

After 3 years together I caught him with another woman, a friend of his who lived with her boyfriend. He begged for forgiveness and I foolishly stayed with him, but a few months later he finished with me- his OW had split with her boyfriend and wanted him now. I was completely devastated by this, we had just bought a house together and I had given up a lot to be with him (moved away from friends and family, gave up my home, cost me about £30k). He moved her in 2 weeks later and they have gone on to get married and have a child.

Fast forward a few more years, I am married to my DH and have a little one on the way. Life is good :-)

BUT it irks me that my sister and her boyfriend are pally pally with my ex and his wife. It seems they are better friends than when I was with my ex, we rarely went out together but they seem to be spending more and more time together. If the shoe were on the other foot I would not be so friendly to people who did such a horrible thing to my sister. I can understand that her boyfriend is still friends with my ex but I don't get why she has to be so pally with him and his wife?

Her view is that they have not done anything to her and so why should she hold a grudge?

AIBU to think she should have some loyalty to me?
AIBU to still be bothered about this after all this time? (I mean it has been about 7 years!)

I know this is pathetic but I shed a tear reading the rest of this thread. If it has been you who had cheated on your ex and left him homeless in such a horrible way, your sister would have every right to invite him and you would just have to suck it up. But it wasn't. She has no reason to carry on being friends with this man or his wife, is being incredibly heartless in inviting him to something you feel you have to attend (I still don't think you should go BTW; your neice is 1 and won't notice if you're there or not) and seems incredibly selfish and disloyal. By continuing her friendship with these people in such an indiscreet manner, she is keeping old wounds open. I don't see how anyone could expect you to feel nothing or to feel happy that they were going to be there, no matter how much time had passed since you split up.

By complete coincidence, I came across this quote by Mario Puzo yesterday and immediately thought of you: "The strength of a family, like the strength of an army, is in its loyalty to eachother."

had a similar situation, my brother remained friends with my ex and the woman he had an affair with (hence me telling him to leave).

Ex wore that firndship,like a badge of honour, saying to people " look , her family (one member actually twatto!) have remained friends with me so it must ber her fault.
I think it was that message that the public percieved as true that pissed me off more than what I saw as my bro,s disloyalty.

Ex has since been an atrocious friend to my bro and me and bro have reclaimed our relationship.

Ex was a manipulator and clever and conniving in an almost perfect way. Very clever, very charming, very very dangerous.

But now alone in a bedsit, overweight and bald (nothing wrong with that, but delightful that he would scorn anyone that fit that description previously) and also has a reputation as being a bum, so not many friends.

Karma does come round eventually.

OP you have every right to be aggrieved, pissed off and hurt.

Speak to your sister and ask her what message she thinks she is giving to the egomaniac that is your ex.

your neice will not have a clue or a thought if you do not attend her Bd. However your sister may learn a lesson in loyalty.

diddl But how much of this is also from sister´s boyfriend? Can´t he also decide who comes to his child´s party?

That's a good point actually and does make things rather awkward. You would hope I suppose that both him and the SIL would realise it's best to just not invite the ex and other woman. It's usually easily done with a childs birthday party as you can say it's family only.

YANBU.

At the party, be aloof and detached, just sit at the far side of the room from them etc, avoid contact where possible and concentrate on your niece and her birthday.

I'd be having serious words with your sister about this all if I were you. It's an astounding piece of disloyalty on her part. I'd be devastated if my sister was friends with someone who had treated me the way he has treated you, irrespective of whether it was 7 weeks or 7 years ago. Have you ever discussed it with her? Do you think he's given an alternative version of events which she may believe (still outrageously disloyal if she believes him over you)?

Either way, she's being a BAD sister.

Good luck at the party!

but you are not over it if you cant be in the same room as that person. I had a very controlling and emotional bullying ex. I still meet him at certain social occasions as we move in some of the same circles professionally.

I dont think you can dictate who your sister is friends with. Much as it may have cost you, literally and figuratively, I think you are not over it, if you cant be in the same room. And you may need to consider why and how, especially if you are now in a happy relationship yourself. Focus on that and not on your ex and his life - it should mean nothing to you now.

I don't think she is saying she can't be in the same room, more like would prefer not to be and can't really see why her dsis can't see this.

There are always degrees of ex I believe and obviously friendships and relationships change over time, however this was a very serious relationship for the op, enough for her to give up alot at the time and to invest emotions and money, this isn't a sixteen yo snog this was full on commitment. Pain doesn't go away, my father still dislikes being in the same atmosphere as his exw even though he has been happily married to my mother for 37 years, he does it for the sake of his children and incidentally he was the one that was cheated on and taken for a ride emotionally and financially by exw just as the op has. But the difference is the op doesn't have children so why the hell should she put on a brave face. Although to the op's credit it seems she is prepared to do this for the sake of her family, even though she doesn't want to. And quite frankly the connection here is piffle as the dsis still chooses to put the op in this situation, children of a broken marriage don't.

aldi you see you are a good sister , which is not the feeling that the op is giving about her sister and although we can't be sure that he has or hasn't said anything bad about the op I think it would seriously rankle with me that my dsis was great mates (good enough to invite to a family party) with the arse that had hurt me so much and who had seen first hand how much it had affected me. Fortunately I never had that sort of relationship before dh so none of my family have ever put me in that situation although I do live with the parental one on family occasions.

Thanks to all posters (even the not so nice ones!)

I spoke to my sister today, felt I had to discuss it with her. We're actually pretty close in a stiff-upper-lip-British-don't-mention-the-war kind of way.... we do not discuss feelings- EVER.

She did not think it would be an issue, as far as she is concerned it was a long time ago and we have all moved on. Seems she's not that great mates with them but her boyfriend is and my ex now works with him again so they have been spending more time together. He also doesn't have many friends with kids and so they have become closer.

I do feel I need to reply to the poster that said that my ex "had" to dump me in a "safe" place. It wasn't that at all, I am not a violent person and I would hate anyone to think that I am, even on an anonymous website! Looking back I probably would have refused to leave the house and would have made it very difficult for him, I'll give him credit he planned it all well.
Ah well, as everyone says it's a long time ago- but I am one to hold a grudge, I even remember the name of the boy who painted my hair pink at primary school.

So, the upshot- I am still going and will be just luverley to everyone. Just hope I am not fatter than the OW

glad its resolved ok.7yrs moooove on
he is history

ImmyM Well I guess you would have been within your right's to refuse to leave which I'm sure he realised.

I think it is hard to let it go. You've moved on and have a nice life now but I would never forgive or forget either. I have an ex who was abusive from 14 years ago, even if he has changed I couldn't be in the same room as him.

(I hope you're not fatter and are much more beautiful, witty and clever than the OW as well )

I hope things go well OP.
It will be difficult but I suppose at the end of the day , He knows what he did to you, He knows you know that side of him and as much as he can lie to others he cannot lie to himself about how cowardly and or cleverly he played you.
You can hold your head high, Im not sure he will be able to do the same.
Well he probably has the arrogance to but like I said, he can't lie to himself.

What has been resolved?

Your sister is still being a disloyal bitch.

Nobody who did that to my sister would cross the threshhold of my home.

Sorry but I will say again-why is the sister getting all the blame?

It doesn´t sound as if she is doing it on purpose, but is caught between her husband & sister.

"Sorry, no way is that bastard coming to our child's 1st birthday party. He has done serious wrong to my sister, I won't have him near me or my family."

Although the BIL does sound like a cock too.

People who think other people should "get over" appalling treatment for their own convenience are dicks.

This guy deserves to be a social pariah for what he did.

Inviting him to family parties of the woman he fucked over is making a big statement that what he did was OK.

I really don't see the bloke's behaviour as being so bad. Given that the OP sounds like a bunny-boiling klingon who wouldn't accept being dumped at the time ('I would have refused to leave the house, made his life hell, I hold a grudge'), the bloke had probably been trying to get rid of her for a while anyway - and she's still going on about it years down the line. The sister might think that the OP shouldn't be indulged.

Your sister sounds as shallow as a puddle. Out of all the millions of the people in this country she and her husband could be friends with, she picks the man who treated you in such a terrible way? There's no justification for that.

The idea that you haven't moved on from this because you don't want to be in the same room as him is also mistaken. You have moved on, you have your own life, and you don't think about him. That doesn't mean however that you have to socialise with him and be delighted that your sister is good friends with him. People have some weird ideas about what is reasonable to expect from someone who has been badly hurt.

Why shouldn't she have stayed in her own house SGB? I don't understand. If he wanted to split up, he should have left.

'He took me away for the weekend, on the Saturday night he split up with me over dinner. Then instead of driving me back home he took me to my mum's and his parents brought all my stuff there- even my dirty washing blush I was completely humiliated.

The next day he had a solicitor's letter delivered to me offering to buy me out of the house. It was planned to perfection.'

SGB - it was HER house too. HER HOME. Not even rented. He basically got her away from her home, dumped her, then used his parents to help evict her - actually take her belongings out of her own house without her permission and make her homeless. All in a night and day, it seems.

If someone I owned a house with had dumped me because THEY'D decided they wanted out, DAMN RIGHT I wouldn't meekly leave my own home and find somewhere else. DAMN RIGHT I'd make a scene and tell him to fuck right off if he announced that he wanted me out because he'd found someone else behind my back. Our relationship is over? Fine, your choice, YOU move out of our joint home while the finances get split - no problem.

This guy sounds a nasty sneaky bullying shitbag, and not because he dumped her (which is absolutely his right).

OP, your sister is a shit, frankly. If someone dumped a close friend/family member... I'd keep out of it. If someone treated a close friend/family member the way this shitscrape treated you, I'd never forgive them.

Sounds like your sister has told you how she wants you to behave and fuck your feelings. I wouldn't go to the party and give the message that it's all ok - it's not. He doesn't matter at all - her attitude to you being treated like shit 'yeah, suck it up' - is crap. Stick up for yourself!

You are a bigger person than me OP, well done. Your sister is being completely heartless and very weak here, her other half doesn't sound much better. In this scenario sister's feelings trump those of random, cruel ex who is work friends with him.

I can't believe posters think he behaved fairly, it was her bloody hhouse too! You want to go off with someone else go for it, clue being in the 'go off' part!

Completely agree! He wanted out so he kicked her our of her own house! In such a cold, calculating and controlled manner! Is it being a bunny-boiler to stand up for yourself? Why was hemore entitled to the house than she^ was?
If dh did that to me, my sister would certainly not be out partying with him!
OP, I wouldn't go. If your sister is not being a decent sister, she needs to know about it and your niece is too young to care.

What's with the misogyny, solid?

You can claim this is about "mundanes" all you like, but calling a woman a "bunny boiler" (deeply sexist on its own) because she wouldn't meekly move out of the home she owned just because her partner had tired of her shows a contempt for women that at odds with your usual claims to feminism.

The time that has elapsed since this happened isn't enough to wipe out the financial harm this woman suffered as a result if this guy's deliberate actions.

He is a scumbag. I wouldn't entertain him, even if the victim of his scheming was a casual acquaintance.

YANBU.

I think the issue here is the lack of acknowledgement of what you went through, and what the ex did by your own sister. It is not surprising you remember so vividly what he did to you, first as a defence mechanism so that you never let it happen again with either him or anyone else, and second, the fact that your family never really seem to have said "what a shit he was" and acknowledged your pain. I wonder how your sister would react if the boot was on the other foot?

The BIL and the ex appear to be people who don't really question each other's values or morals and expect their women to do the same.

I also agree that by remaining friends with the ex the BIL is showing that he doesn't care how the ex treats other people, only how he is when he is with him. The women I assume go along with it because they are the sort who don't question their men.

My uncle was a wife beater, he never actually beat up my mother of course, just my aunt, but even so my mother refused to have anything to do with him on the grounds he beat his wife. This created a lot of family disharmony (where the goal at all gatherings was to all pretend that we got along fine and no one there was actually a shit of the first order).

So the only thing that is practical is to accept your BIL and wife are shallow and leave them to their "friend" who clearly would sell them down the river if it suited him. It is nice your DH is pissed off on your behalf, my DH would certainly not want to be around someone who mistreated me. Just go to the party and ignore the ex and his wife, and don't pretend to like them, just ignore them.

"People who think other people should "get over" appalling treatment for their own convenience are dicks."

Exactly.

And SGB I agree - to call the op a 'klingon' in the circs of this thread is offensive and misogynistic.

Well said ShoutyHamster

Definately, if I was the sister, I'd be saying to my husband - I won't have that man in my house after the way he treated my sister. If you insist on seeing him socially, fine, but I don't want to be involved.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows lenak Woah! Your BIL and SIL who used to be married, parents got married! Shit I can just imagine how they took that at first!

Yep - DH's mom married ex-SIL's dad. Both were widowed. Got talking at ex-SIL's wedding to new fella - to which MIL, DH and I were invited due to still being friends with her.

Ex-SIL (and remember she was the wronged party in the relationship), took it extremely well. Although a little uncomfortable at first - which I think was more to do with her dad getting re-married rather than who to, as she has always though of MIL as a second mom anyway - she was really happy for them.

It was BIL that acted like a dick - refusing to come to the wedding and barely talking to his mom for two years. DH and I kept telling him to grow up. He finally did when he split up with his poisonous witch of a jealous girlfriend (after cheating on her as well).

Whenever he did see SIL she always made the effort to talk to him and be polite - he was a surely dick!

He is now happily married himself and they get on fine!