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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not want my sister to be friends with my ex and his wife?

115 replies

ImmyM · 27/09/2011 15:21

Hi, it's a really long story but in summary:

Met ex at work years ago, I also worked with my sister's boyfriend and he was friends with my ex (although not best buddies).

After 3 years together I caught him with another woman, a friend of his who lived with her boyfriend. He begged for forgiveness and I foolishly stayed with him, but a few months later he finished with me- his OW had split with her boyfriend and wanted him now. I was completely devastated by this, we had just bought a house together and I had given up a lot to be with him (moved away from friends and family, gave up my home, cost me about £30k). He moved her in 2 weeks later and they have gone on to get married and have a child.

Fast forward a few more years, I am married to my DH and have a little one on the way. Life is good :-)

BUT it irks me that my sister and her boyfriend are pally pally with my ex and his wife. It seems they are better friends than when I was with my ex, we rarely went out together but they seem to be spending more and more time together. If the shoe were on the other foot I would not be so friendly to people who did such a horrible thing to my sister. I can understand that her boyfriend is still friends with my ex but I don't get why she has to be so pally with him and his wife?

Her view is that they have not done anything to her and so why should she hold a grudge?

AIBU to think she should have some loyalty to me?
AIBU to still be bothered about this after all this time? (I mean it has been about 7 years!)

OP posts:

Whatmeworry · 27/09/2011 22:27

I think If I'd sold a place, then moved hundreds of miles for a guy who fucked around after a few weeks and lost me 30k, he would be lucky to get away with a head still on his shoulders, never mind a bit of house trashing.....

FabbyChic · 27/09/2011 22:29

I wouldnt be friends with an ex of my sisters who had cheated on her and fucked up her life in some way, that would be pretty sick.

Is your sister a sicko?

Spero · 27/09/2011 23:35

Sgb this is not just 'reacting to the end of a relationship'. Read the thread. I am beginning to think you must be the OW.

solidgoldbrass · 27/09/2011 23:55

You can rest assured that I am not the OW, I am happily single so not in a relationship with anyone's XP.
BUt people have the right to end relationships that they no longer want to be in, without the risk of violence, and without their XP (who is allegedly happily married to someone else by now) still trying to punish them for stuff that happened seven years ago.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/09/2011 00:09

SGB, the OP is not trying to punish her ex. This is about her relationship with her sister. She is uncomfortable with her sister being such good mates with her ex, because her sister had a ringside seat to this appalling breakup. She has put it behind her - "The thing is, I don't really think about him- like other posters have said, it's worked out nicely for us all." But HER SISTER parades her ex in front of her and expects the OP to play nicey nice at a family gathering that includes him and his wife? Why would a sister do that?

It's all very well to say "people have the right to end relationships that they no longer want to be in", but don't you think he should have ended it BEFORE taking her money? He took her money when he knew they were going to break up - he had a lawyer lined up within 7 weeks of them moving in? What snake of a sister could honestly be friends with such people?

It is about the sister, not the ex.

Moominsarescary · 28/09/2011 00:13

There is no way would I do this to my sister, I would never talk to a man who treated her badly again even if my dp was friends with him.

chipmonkey · 28/09/2011 00:38

I always liked my sister's xp. He seemed like a really nice, genuine sort of guy.
Then my sister threw him out and eventually we found out that behind the scenes he was an unstable, emotional abuser, guy who looks like a feminist, talks like a feminist but actually treats women like shit when there is no-one else there to witness it.

I still meet him from time to time and he still seems like a nice guy. But I know what he did to my dsis so could never, ever be pally with him and his dp as I know my sister would be very hurt and that I would in a way be condoning his treatment of her.

Your sister should do the same.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 28/09/2011 00:44

YANBU

Your sister is a total cowbag.

microfight · 28/09/2011 07:36

So for those of you who think OP should move on and her sister has a right to invite them I just wondered where you'd draw the line.
What if the OP had been burgled by a friend of theirs would it be ok to invited him/her to social situations and expect the OP to 'move on'.
When you have been wronged by someone you can move on (which OP clearly has) but you never totally forget and that's the difference. A blatant in your face reminder of a horrible time of your life or incident is not what a sister should inflict upon her sibling.

Smellslikecatpee · 28/09/2011 07:48

My sis is a unreasonable cowbag 99% of the time but even she wouldn't do this. It's just wrong.

MrsSleepy · 28/09/2011 07:52

My sister is friends with my ex, Even went to his wedding, Despite him giving me hell for the last 8 years and abandoning his child.... Used to piss me right off but I've come to terms with the fact she is a selfish cow and cares about no-one barr herself.

ThePrincessRoyalFiggyrolls · 28/09/2011 09:20

Totally, its about loyalty. I often cross paths with one of my closest friends stbxh through work, we were all friends before the incident of him leaving her with a 14 month old to go off with the OW. And I say friends independently my dh and him, me and him, her and my dh etc etc. He didn't just betray her that day he betrayed all of us and yes my loyalty belongs to her even if sometimes she can be a bit tricky. He left her in a shitty way and I still find it hard not to slap him sideways and be polite, but coming round for dinner - you are having a laugh. And that is just my friend, if it was my sister I wouldn't hold back I'm afraid. I just don't get it, and I don't understand your sister but as I have previously said perhaps she is just going with the bf's wishes, still strange as my dh would back me up regardless of any situation as his loyalties lie with me too. That is what family's do isn't it?

Proudnscary · 28/09/2011 09:26

Feel so angry and upset on your behalf. You are definitely not being unreasonable.

HooverTheHamaBeads · 28/09/2011 09:34

YANBU

Your sister is missing the sensitivity bone, for sure and if that is her atitude I bet she is a pain in lots of ways.

You are the aunt and family so you should have been invited and not the ex.

aldiwhore · 28/09/2011 09:39

Sorry but YABU. Its not abut loyalty its about having friends and as long as your sister doesn't keep going on about them in your company, all is well.

DH and I have developed a very good friendship with my sister's ex... they had a bad relationship, were young foolish and not right for each other. They were both hurt. We have never mentioned their relationship since they split, they are both good people. We never invite them to the same social event (my sister comes first) and we don't talk about them to each other.

My sister is happily married. Her ex (although its very weird to think of him as her ex as so many years have passed by now) is in a GOOD relationship and he learned a lot of lessons over the years.

The loyalty would kick in if her ex asked me to dump my sister. The loyalty would kick in if her ex said things that weren't nice about her. My sister has my loyalty, but I have my own choice of friends.

diddl · 28/09/2011 09:46

But how much of this is also from sister´s boyfriend?

Can´t he also decide who comes to his child´s party?

bringbacksideburns · 28/09/2011 09:48

Your sister has the sensitivity of a House brick!!

In normal circumstances, when you split up with someone who tries to keep it amicable, and doesn't move some other woman in a couple of weeks later, then yes, i would suck it up and let bygones be bygones.

To call someone a 'loser' and indicate they haven't moved on, earlier in the thread, is wrong. She has moved on but her sister is trying to get her to socialise with someone who was a complete shit to her. Why on earth would she want to?

Can you ask your mum/relative to explain to her how crass this is? If she wants to socialise with them let her do it without involving you.

ThePrincessRoyalFiggyrolls · 28/09/2011 10:31

aldiwhore the thing is you would put your sister first, the op's sister isn't putting her sister first it seems.

I think that however much times passes and whatever the result from a fallout (in this case fortunately very happy for both it seems) if someone hurts you it can linger - and I still avoid people who have hurt me in the street, as I expect they would avoid me too knowing they had done the wrong thing. I don't want to be reminded of the bad times however good my life is now who does? And this guy was having an on and off affair with his now wife - fine, but why go through the hassle and expense of buying a house together and completely changing the op's life around - new job, new city etc etc when he knew he was going to dump her at some point? Could he not just have said - so so sorry we just aren't right for each other and waited for the ow?

With regards to her trashing the house, do you know what if she owned half of that property then yup she would have been well within her rights to do whatever she wanted in a house owned partly by her! It wasn't "HIS" house it was "THEIR" house, huge difference and he made her leave her life and 2 months later didn't allow her back to their house but moved the floozy in, whilst op had to sleep on her SISTERS sofa. Her dsis saw the fallout and yet is STILL friends with the cfreep.

I say dump the sister

ThePrincessRoyalFiggyrolls · 28/09/2011 10:34

creep obviously

akaemmafrost · 28/09/2011 10:39

I wouldn't dump my sister over this, but I wouldn't think much of her either. I like to think I am pretty liberal about relationship stuff but I wouldn't be able to be anything but quite frosty about this and not because I was trying to make anyone take my side but just because I wouldn't trust someone who was friends with someone who hurt me so much, sister or not. I wouldn't want my doings or details of my life being passed onto them in passing conversation. So I would have to keep my distance from my sister and would find it very hard to trust her.

Sad really, its the sister who is missing out imvho. I could not do what she is doing, I would hate anyone who treated my sister the way this man treated the OP.

scottishmummy · 28/09/2011 10:44

good grief stop obsessing about 7yrs ago drama
time to be a big girl and get a grip of yourself. and no you cant expect your sister to select her social circle based upon who slung you 7ys ago

lenak · 28/09/2011 11:03

I think you need to just get over it, or at the very least go to the party and keep your feelings to yourself - you don't actually have to interact with him there.

We had a similar situation with my BIL, excpet he was the cheater. On the day he got found out (less than a year after their wedding), DH and I ended up going round to SIL's house to pick up the pieces. We stayed friends with SIL - much to BIL's annoyance - mainly because we really liked her and DH had known her since he was about 12 and really though of her as a sister.

5 years later, ex-SIL had moved on, was married with a child. BIL was with his new (absolute bitch) of a girlfriend.

DH and I were planning our wedding and invited ex-SIL to the evening reception. She accepted, was fine about BIL being there despite the way he had treated her because she realised that despite all the crap, they were never right for each other anyway - she even tried to have a polite conversation with him. BIL and his GF on the other hand were a total nightmare about the whole thing but were told 'tough luck'.

As it was fate threw a bit of a curve ball in that meant the BIL had to get over it eventually and start acting like an adult around ex-SIL - she is now his step-sister (and they get on really quite well)!

aldiwhore · 28/09/2011 11:43

ThePrincessRoyalFiggyRolls therein lies the problem. The issue isn't (in my opinion) the friendship, but the lack of thought for the OP.

Though there will come a point when we'll probably have a party that we'll want to invite my sister AND her ex, we'd run it past her first. If she didn't like it, we'd have two celebrations.

Spero · 28/09/2011 12:56

I think some posters are having difficulties in understanding the difference between a relationship between two immature people that goes wrong, with fault on both side, both basically good people, etc, etc. And the situation where someone is treated with unbelievable callousness and cruelty, that behaviour never being explained or apologised for.

Of course, in the former situation you would be a total neurotic loon in need of serious psychiatric intervention if you were still trying to dictate who was friends with your ex.

But in the latter, your ex has revealed his true colours. You cant 'move on' from a situation like this, you cant just forget someone acted in this way. People like this need to be treated with extreme caution.

I cannot understand why your sister thinks this is ok.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 28/09/2011 13:10

lenak Woah! Your BIL and SIL who used to be married, parents got married! Shit I can just imagine how they took that at first!

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