AIBU to not want my sister to be friends with my ex and his wife?

[ImmyM]

Hi, it's a really long story but in summary:

Met ex at work years ago, I also worked with my sister's boyfriend and he was friends with my ex (although not best buddies).

After 3 years together I caught him with another woman, a friend of his who lived with her boyfriend. He begged for forgiveness and I foolishly stayed with him, but a few months later he finished with me- his OW had split with her boyfriend and wanted him now. I was completely devastated by this, we had just bought a house together and I had given up a lot to be with him (moved away from friends and family, gave up my home, cost me about £30k). He moved her in 2 weeks later and they have gone on to get married and have a child.

Fast forward a few more years, I am married to my DH and have a little one on the way. Life is good :-)

BUT it irks me that my sister and her boyfriend are pally pally with my ex and his wife. It seems they are better friends than when I was with my ex, we rarely went out together but they seem to be spending more and more time together. If the shoe were on the other foot I would not be so friendly to people who did such a horrible thing to my sister. I can understand that her boyfriend is still friends with my ex but I don't get why she has to be so pally with him and his wife?

Her view is that they have not done anything to her and so why should she hold a grudge?

AIBU to think she should have some loyalty to me?
AIBU to still be bothered about this after all this time? (I mean it has been about 7 years!)

YANBU. No way.

My DSis is in the exact same situation, although at the beginning of the journey.

I imagine in the future that for the sake of my DNeph I may have to be in a social situation with DSis's Ex and the OW but I have no intention of engaging with her or him on any level beyond the absolute necessary.

I don't care how many years have passed - I would not be able to think of how devastated my DSis is right now and then in all good conscious talk to DSis's Ex or OW.

But I guess it's very raw for me right now and I'm a bit more emosh than normal :)

yanbu

maybe go, and afterwards say to your sister, this is the FIRST AND LAST TIME i ever want to socialise with those people again. If you want to be mates with a man that cheated on me and and lost me money, fine. I dont get it, buit I respect your choices

But in the future I politely request that you either invite them, or me. not both. got it?

Spero- I actually think you have a point. Ex and I have never discussed anything to do with us splitting up. This is a really bad story:

He took me away for the weekend, on the Saturday night he split up with me over dinner. Then instead of driving me back home he took me to my mum's and his parents brought all my stuff there- even my dirty washing I was completely humiliated.

The next day he had a solicitor's letter delivered to me offering to buy me out of the house. It was planned to perfection.

I have never had an explanation why- I imagine it's because he feared I would trash the house if he did it there (he's probably right) and being away in a hotel I could hardly scream and shout.

So, no apologies, nothing. At the time I was probably at my lowest point ever, he had chipped away at my self confidence so I felt completely useless and probably wasn't in the mood for a rational conversation.

What hurts most about my sister is that I moved in with her for a few months afterwards as I had sold my flat to fund the house purchase, and she knew what I was going through regarding solicitors, getting the estate agent's particulars and seeing the OW's stuff everywhere (ouchie) and general heartbreak stuff.

I still look back and think of it as a particularly humiliating time, dumped for another woman, kicked out of my house (that we had lived in for 7 weeks!) and back sleeping on someone's sofa. Good times

I wouldn't go, and tell your sister why - that you don't want, on your neice's first birthday, to be reminded of how little loyalty your sister has to you, and of how flawed her choice of friends is.

Yes - that's right. It's not about your ex. It's about your sister. He isn't important.

When she acts shocked and hurt - just say - if you don't want to be thought of as a shit yourself, don't associate with shits. Ask herself if she has ANY family pride or loyalty at all. This bloke, and the woman who was his OW, shat all over her sister and her family. And she's happy to be friends with them? Wow, they must REALLY laugh at that. You may have been taken in once... your sister shows her lack of class and pride every time she has them in her home.

He did all that ?

Do you know, I feel quite sorry for the woman he is with. If he's capable of that level of cruelty - words fail.

He got his parents to gather up your stuff and take it to you? Not only cruel but unutterably cowardly. You had such a lucky, lucky escape.

And your sister? I'm sorry, but I'd have cut contact if any member of my family did more than spit on him after that. It's not only about loyalty. Yes, 'by your friends you shall know them', indeed. Your sister wants to get her feet out of the muck, if you ask me.

Ah that's really sad OP! He sounds utterly heartless! I would be tempted to go but make sure I looked effortlessly amazing (hairdressers etc).

I don't think I would be able to stay close to a sister that would do that to me. You must be so hurt.

I would also be tempted to say something like "oh it must be awful for my friend betty, she was the other woman when she met her husband and now he's cheated on her as well, once a cheater always a cheater eh" within earshot of other woman. (yes I know really bitchy, evil and also very transparent).

yeah, I must admit I am surprised at how long their relationship has lasted- but maybe he has changed? For the right woman and all that jazz.

See, that's the thing I find hurtful. She knows what he did, she saw the result at first hand and yet she chooses to socialise with them.

In fairness, he has probably told them a different turn of events- I was unreasonable/ mentally unstable/ wouldn't be a doormat etc.

Oh yes his folks gathered up everything that was mine and ferried it to my mother's. I always thought they liked me

I wouldn't go, I would make it very clear that you expected more from your sister even after this amount of time. If her dp wants to be friends with him fine, but you and your dh don't so don't particularly want to socialise with them. If it wasn't dn's birthday and was just dinner would you go? NO and dn isn't going to notice. I expect you might find that her dp is the instigator here, but \I would be fucking furious I really would. Especially after the story you told as to how he dumped you. Fuck wit

Your sister doesn't sound like a very supportive person.

Probably one of those who is friends with the people in their group and their DHs mates girlfriends just because they are part of the group not because they have loads in common or are good people. Those friendships often turn out to be very fickle, so if sis broke up with her partner she'd probably never see this woman again.

I realise I'm making a lot of assumptions, it just that she sounds like someone I know. Her friends are whoever is going out with her BF mates at the time.

I would hope my family turned their back on any fuckwit that tore out my heart.

Unfortunately, they haven't, so I completely sympathise with you.

YANBU but sadly your sister has to work that out for herself.

This is worse than even I imagined it would be. I wouldn't go, and i'd make it damn clear why.

How dreadful. I am shocked that your sister is so disloyal. I would not want to be in the same room as someone who treated me this way. I'm shocked that your sister is willing to have these people in her house let alone subject you to this. I think perhaps you need to veto this party ( or ask her to uninvite your ex) , tell your parents why you are not going and perhaps they will back you up.

Its been 7 years. You are now married and have a new baby coming. You are happy. Why are you still so hung up about him? You should be dancing with joy that he left or you would never have met and married your wonderful husband.

I would understand it if its been in the last 2-3 years but its been 7. So much time and things have happened that your sister has already moved on from that episode and so should you.

Life's too short to dwell on the past. You learn from it and move on.

mynewpassion, I totally agree. I need to move on.

I am going to rise above it, best smile plastered to my face on Sunday

Still think my sister is being an unreasonable cowbag though :(

I suppose one of the problems is when you are part of a couple you tend to socialise as a couple. So I imagine what happened is your sisters partner became closer friends with your ex or whatever and resumed/started socialising with him more so obviously when your ex wants to trot his wife out then obviously they are going to go out as a foursome. I go out with DH and a few different couples socially and there is one of the women who I really really get a bad vibe off - for want of a better expression - but her DH is a lifelong friend of DH so I just tolerate really and try rise above it. But obviously your sister gets along with your exs W.

Another male friend of ours has a new partner and now wants us to start going out socially with them. My DH is a very good friend of his and socialises with him regularly so its really awkward to say no. But both me and DH find this woman such bloody hard work tbh - commandeers conversation completely - drones on about just about anything for hours and the last straw was when she came over to us and took my drink off me and 'had a taste of it' and I'm a bit of a Howard Hughes before I could stop her or even realised.

Dont know what I'm trying to say really but I think its more down to your sister partners friendship that this has happened really. Am not defending her - I think its bloody insensitive - but it would be much worse if she had just befriended your exs wife off her own bat iyswim.

I think you should go - and hold your head high and ignore ignore ignore.

Thanks for the tea (ClaireBear54 here, namechanged for the hell of it)! Good luck at the weekend, and I still think it's pants! My sister married her one and only boyfriend, so never had any experience at all of ending a relationship. At the time, she was as shocked and upset as I was, which is why it's even more annoying that she's invited them all. Grrr. Can't go anyway, but that's not the point and I totally sympathise with you. Hope you manage to have some fun there with your DN. At least eat lots of nice cake and tiny sausages. :)

Bloody hell. He did that and your sister still gives him house room??? Does she KNOW that is what he did?

A general plea to all those who say - you have got to move on and leave it behind.

YES, yes a thousand times yes, you don't lose your life to bitterness and constant rumination and recrimination etc, etc. But if someone behaves like that you can't forget it and you shouldn't. He is a dangerous shit. He is a bad person. I don't think people compartmentalise their badness. If you have no moral compass with your partners, this must slip over into other areas of your life.

So if only for self preservation your sister should have nothing to do with him.

So when he dumped you, he feared you would trash the house and you say, well, you might have done? So basically he dumped you in a way that was safe for him and his belongings because you had given him reason to fear you would react with violence to being dumped. And you are still whining and trying to make everyone take against him seven years later? Bad loser, are you? I think you need to get over yourself big time.

It's really awkward, even if your ex hadn't been an arsehole it's odd of your sister to roll out the red carpet to a family event.

Has your sister always had such little regard for your feelings? Or been competitive?

SGB - are you the OW?

"Bad loser, are you? " Well I think if I'd lost thirty thousand pounds I'd be a fucking bad loser as well, SGB .

its not a game of tennis SGB. Its is about being treated like shit by someone you thought loved you. I don't think the phrase 'bad loser' makes any sense in this kind of situation.

YANBU. For your sister to be friends with somebody who hurt and betrayed you, is tantamount to saying what he did was Ok by her. Not much loyalty there.

People who can't get over being dumped, to the point that they are trying to make other people take sides and rearrange their entire social lives, seven years later are losers full stop.
The OP admits that the XP had to dump her fast and carefully or she would have trashed his house, which is another indication of a loser - reacting to the end of a relationship with violence.