...is the following a teensy bit rude and/or weird?

[LoveInAColdClimate]

We have just come back from a weekend away for a friend's birthday. The invitation asked for us to pay for our accommodation (fair enough), but expressly said that the couple would be providing all the food and alcohol. All very generous and kind.

The event was for two nights, but we could only attend the second night (although to be fair we were only able to give late notice of that (I was ill) so they might have bought food in advance of knowing). We called before driving down on the Saturday and asked if they needed anything. They asked us to bring some red wine as they were running low. Again, completely ok. We took four bottles and a case of beer as well.

I am pregnant so didn't actually drink any of the alcohol, other than a tiny, tiny glass of wine. Neither did I actually eat any of the food on the night, as I wasn't feeling well, although I appreciate they wouldn't have known this in advance so would counted me amongst the number to cater for. The only food I ate, in fact, was a bacon sandwich, and the only thing I drank was the above mentioned tiny, tiny glass of wine (out of the wine we had brought) and some squash, which we had brought. DH, to be fair, ate and drank normally.

Upon returning to the office this morning, I found an email from the friend asking for a £10 contribution from each attendee (per head) for food and drink.

I wouldn't mind quite so much, but we have already spent, I would estimate, something in the region of £1,500 (at least, could be up to £2,500 I suspect) this year attending the couple's wedding and respective hen and stag dos... The friend also spent quite a lot of the weekend telling my DH how much money they are saving at the moment (some tens of thousands went in the bank last year, apparently). This causes the above to rankle somewhat more, especially as we are worrying a bit over finances once I start maternity leave.

We can afford the £20, so it's not as if it's taking the bread from the mouths of our poor wee bairns or anything, but I do feel a tiny bit disgruntled. We'll pay it, of course, but just wondered if the above is a bit... "off" or am I a hormonal, unreasonable Cah?

YANBU at all, if you host a party, you pay for it. If you can't afford it, have a small affair. This is rude. If they wanted a contribution, they should have said upfront in the invites or phone call so that you know where you stand. I suggest sending them a Debrettes etiquette book for Christmas.

Is it possible to post back the leftovers and ask for a refund?

So, so cheeky... I can't believe people have the gall to invoice friends for a party.

YANBU! At all.

No, it's not a teensy bit rude, it's bloody majorly rude. Some people have their heads wedged tightly up their own arses.

YANBU - they've obviously overspent and are now panicking and trying to recoup some of the money. You have already made a contribution which was more than adequate imo. I would refuse to pay it. If they get the hump I'd question whether I wanted to be friends with such people.

YANBU. That's vile.

Actually I think it's downright devious to tell everyone they are providing the food and drink and then invoicing people when it's too late for them to say no thanks I won't come.

vile indeed

yes please please please do update us.

you HAVE to mention that they said they'd be covering it. pull them up on it.
then say "as the beer and wine we brought came to £40 I can take it off that, send the £20 over any time"

yanbu as all the other posters have said, do they think you are loaded or something?!

I wouldn't pay, for goodness sake who charges people for coming to their party?!!

in fact why don't you ask them to paypal it to you

you could also point out that you're trying to save at the moment so can't really afford to just chuck £40 down the drain

Blimmin' heck, I have now heard (through DH, who heard from another attendee), that they spent £200 on food and drink and are now recouping it from guests. I thought £10 per guest was a contribution to what they'd spent, in fact it pretty much covers it (less £10 each for the hosts). So if we pay £20, plus the £40 we have spent on booze, we appear to be paying some 30% of the whole cost to the hosts...

If they are rude enough to ask for money, I was highlight the fact that you bought drink and not pay. Yes plead poverty re maternity leave, baby expenses etc.

they are taking the almighty piss, just say NO!!!

Don't pay, if you fall out over this, they are obviously not very good friends are they. what cheeky people.

I don't think you should give any excuse as to why it may be difficult/impossible to pay it. That's not the reason why you won't contribute. I'd point out that they had said they were paying (can you reply to the original email stating this?) so you were surprised to receive the request for a tenner each. Then say that you've already contributed by bringing beer and wine.

No wonder they've got thousands in the bank if they get their 'friends' to subsidise their social life to this degree.

I knew a woman like this - she would invite you round for drinks and nibbles and then ask you for a fiver "contribution" on your way out the door.

More neck than a three-headed giraffe.

Yes copy and paste the bit of the e mail whereby they said that they would provide food and drink and throw it right back at them. i am sure that others will also be , too you will not be the only ones.

sidge bet she diden't have many friends. I would not want to come round in case I had to pay an enterence fee.

Crikey some people just have no shame!!!

yes copy and paste that bit, and say that you did not realise that they would pay for just themselves and nobody else!

haha sidge, just imagining trying that with my friends! How much do you reckon I could charge for a cuppa, a sit on the sofa (mind the baby sick stains) and use of the (almost clean) facilities?

Don'tmuddy the waters by pleading poverty. That means that they can then turn it around and say 'I'm afraid that your poverty isn't our problem and we shouldn't be out of pocket because of it'

Pull them up on the REAL issue - that they said food and drink would be covered and despite this you brought £40 worth of booze with you so you won't be contributing anymore. If you still have the original email then forward it back to them with your reply. And make sure you 'reply all' so that the others don't feel guilted into paying them.

Cheeky f*ckers. We have had a party before in a restaurant where we covered the booze but asked people to pay for food off a set menu (so same price for everyone). I don't think there is an issue with asking for contributions but you are UP FRONT about it and ask before people commit to anything so that if they cannot afford it or choose not to then they have a choice! Afterwards, especially when they expressly said this would be covered, is well out of order.

Ooooh, good wording, DandyLioness, thanks. I may get DH to send it, though .