To request that I can leave work for 6pm to be home for DD bedtime *every night*?

[1catherine1]

I'm a teacher and am in a core department with 5 full time members of staff, one of whom is on a temporary contract. The teacher on a temporary contract is never asked to do anything outside of the usual 9-3 with the exception of the planning and assessment. Out of the remaining 4 teachers I am the only one who has a family. This is what makes this so difficult. Two of the department (head and second) are both women who chose not to have a family, the other in the department is a young man who I believe just hasn't got around to it yet (I'm assuming as he told me he loves babies and kids). My DD is 6mo and I only returned to teaching full time at the start of this term.

Now my department are fantastic and very understanding but I'm feeling a little torn and guilty. Each night our bedtime routine includes her supper at 6pm, then into a clean vest and sleepsuit, followed by cuddle time at 6:30pm. Cuddle time involves the two of us lying on the sofa and her relaxing and having her final feed (BF) of the night which lasts about 30 to 40 minutes until she falls asleep next to me. She stays cuddled up with me until 7:30pm when I take her up to bed. She often wakes up as I take her up stairs but she quickly goes back to sleep when I put her down.

My problem is that I am only asked to stay later than 6pm 6 times a year. 5 parent's evenings and open evening but I really don't think my OH could get her to sleep without booby so staying would mean she gets upset waiting for me. For parents evenings this would mean that all my appointments would have to be finished for 5:45pm which isn't that unreasonable I think, but for Open Evening which runs from 6pm to 8pm it means I would have to miss it completely...

AIBU to ask to not have to be there? It would only be this year as she is still so young I have already asked and my HoD was fine about it but told me I had to ask the Head who reluctantly agreed - but made me feel rather guilty for asking. Although tbh I gave the reason that I had no childcare and I couldn't ask the (onsite) nursery as they shut at 5:30pm - which is true as my OH is working that night.

I think you need to look at the broader picture. How does your DH feel about the fact he isn't involved in the evening routine and can't put his own DD to bed? My DD2 was very dependant on me at first, and it really affected DH's initial bonding with her. I think you need to start stepping back a bit and giving him more of a role (that doesn't mean giving up breast feeding). Also what would happen if you had to go away for a day or two, or were unwell?

Parents evenings are part of what you are paid to do. Get expressing if you are anti-formula, and leave dp to it.

Once you realise your dp can manage then you can start to have a life outside of having to be home at 6pm EVERY night and it could be more fun than parents evenings!

YABU. Presumably your baby takes a bottle in nursery, so presumably she can take a bottle the 6 nights out of 365 that you are going to be a little bit late. TBH your routine is incredibly rigid, I understand that because I was like that myself when I first went back to work, but your DP can put his daughter to bed!

I take it you'll never want to go out of an evening? Or be ill? Or have car trouble? You are making a rod for your own back here, let DP help!

Parents evening and open evening are part of the job you are paid to do. They are part of the directed time hours, so you are not going above and beyond in any way by doing them. Many other teachers also have young children. If all those teachers said they couldn't do parents evenings either it would just get silly.
Your employers do have a responsibility to enable breastfeeding, this could mean that your husband could bring the baby into school during the parents evening when you would be allowed 15 minutes free to feed her. But really, for five evenings a year, surely he could just give her expressed milk in a bottle?

Comparing your responsibilities in a permanent post with those of a temporary supply teacher isn't fair. Short term staff are not usually expected to do parents evening because unless they have worked there for a term or so, they don't know the children well enough to do this.

Don't ask for the time off officially. Instead, work on getting your DD to go to sleep if needed with her Dad. You never know when there's going to be an emergency and it's a really good idea to have a backup routine sorted - it's also great for their bond. Don't make everything a complete slave to the Routine, although I know having one is great (and we aren't very good at it so I'm not the best judge anyway ). But one thing I think we've done well on is splitting tasks enough so that DD is completely ok with either of us being there of an evening, and she will go to sleep with both of us. 6 months, not EBF any more, an ideal time to start introducing the idea that daddy can do bedtimes too :)

Having been to a number of Open Evenings recently, I'd go against the trend:- definitely ask to avoid. It isn't necessary for every teacher to be there.

Parents Evenings are different though. And then it depends on how your school is set up, so when woud parents expect to be able to see you. If I could see the other core teachers between 7 and 8 I would be annoyed to find one had left by 6. But as you've pointed out, there will be a different routine by then, so I would go for one decision at a time tbh.

YANBU to ask, particularly whilst your dd is so young. That's on the understanding however that if a workaround can't be found, that your request is declined.

I wouldn't be upset if one teacher wasn't available for one open evening, assuming that you were contactable at other times should I have any concerns (and that you would contact me if you had concerns).

I also think some posters are over looking the fact that you're a secondary school teacher - so one of several who teach each child. I really wouldn't be put out if you were my ds's English teacher (say) - with the caveats I mentioned in the previous post. There'd be plenty of other teachers for me to talk to.

If you were a primary school teacher and the only (or main) teacher, then I imagine you'd be able to schedule your parents evening times differently so this wouldn't be an issue.

Firstly, sorry I have not read all the posts.

DH is a teacher so I can agree with the open evening three line whip policy being pointless. When DC3 was born 2weeks ago his head of year kindly told him he could miss this week and next weeks open evenings as he had 'far better things to be doing at home with kids he liked!'.

We appreciated that, and it made me giggle. However I would not expect the same kindness to be applied in 6mths time.

I work for myself, and that allows a degree of freedom, but sometimes I can't be home at 6pm and I miss kids bath time, homework and tea.....and in the future I will need DH to bed the baby with a bottle of expressed milk so we will begin having DH bed the baby one night a week to let her know this is normal and nothing to be grumpy over.

I take it from your post your DC already has expressed feeds throughout the day? If so could you and DH try to have DC settle on a bottle one night when you are home (but in another room) to see how DC reacts?

It sounds like you are being very sensible about it now, and perhaps some of your anxiety about following a routine are because you are going back to work which is a big thing, and so you are focusing on what works til now. Children, as you already know as a teacher, are funny little things, and by the time these open evenings come about in a few months, everything will have moved on (including perhaps feeding to sleep). Overnighters away with work might present more of a problem, but really, having a 10 month old doesn't stop you attending evening functions (you may even want to go out one evening for a night out with your partner or friends, let alone go to a parents evening).

YABU. It is part of your job. It is this kind of thing that leads to prejudie against working mothers.

If DD won't take much milk from a bottle you could try moving straight to milk in a sippy cup? DS1 was never that into bottles but he'd slurp a fair bit if he was given it in a cup with a drinking straw.

I went back to my teaching job when dd1 was 6 months and dd2 was 9 months and I think YABU. Its part of your job and in your contract. As others have said not all parents can make it before 5.45 so you have to offer them a later slot.
Plus you may have the support from your department now, but if you carry on like this, you'll soon lose it. You may need their support and understanding when the winter comes and your baby gets its normal rounds of colds, vomiting bugs etc and you have to take a day off or the morning you're late because they vomit all over their clothes and you end up back in the shower! Sorry, but its all part of being a working mum and it doesn't get any easier when they start school and you can't get to their sports day etc. A last point is we all hate open evenings whether we have kids or not.

forgot to say .. and I BF until about 14 months so I also had the evening feed like you to do.