To request that I can leave work for 6pm to be home for DD bedtime *every night*?

[1catherine1]

I'm a teacher and am in a core department with 5 full time members of staff, one of whom is on a temporary contract. The teacher on a temporary contract is never asked to do anything outside of the usual 9-3 with the exception of the planning and assessment. Out of the remaining 4 teachers I am the only one who has a family. This is what makes this so difficult. Two of the department (head and second) are both women who chose not to have a family, the other in the department is a young man who I believe just hasn't got around to it yet (I'm assuming as he told me he loves babies and kids). My DD is 6mo and I only returned to teaching full time at the start of this term.

Now my department are fantastic and very understanding but I'm feeling a little torn and guilty. Each night our bedtime routine includes her supper at 6pm, then into a clean vest and sleepsuit, followed by cuddle time at 6:30pm. Cuddle time involves the two of us lying on the sofa and her relaxing and having her final feed (BF) of the night which lasts about 30 to 40 minutes until she falls asleep next to me. She stays cuddled up with me until 7:30pm when I take her up to bed. She often wakes up as I take her up stairs but she quickly goes back to sleep when I put her down.

My problem is that I am only asked to stay later than 6pm 6 times a year. 5 parent's evenings and open evening but I really don't think my OH could get her to sleep without booby so staying would mean she gets upset waiting for me. For parents evenings this would mean that all my appointments would have to be finished for 5:45pm which isn't that unreasonable I think, but for Open Evening which runs from 6pm to 8pm it means I would have to miss it completely...

AIBU to ask to not have to be there? It would only be this year as she is still so young I have already asked and my HoD was fine about it but told me I had to ask the Head who reluctantly agreed - but made me feel rather guilty for asking. Although tbh I gave the reason that I had no childcare and I couldn't ask the (onsite) nursery as they shut at 5:30pm - which is true as my OH is working that night.

Agree with ASByatt, this really is a short term issue!! Kids change so much so quickly

I do feel for you though OP, even though YABU

OPen evening. fine. I don't see that it would matter.
Parent's evening, not fine and I think you need to accept that some parent's won't make it by 5.45! And that would include me and I;d be pissed off TBH.

But you have a tiny baby so can be forgiven for beleiving the world will end if your routine is disrupted by a gnat's hair. It won't. In case you were wondering.

I assume a teaching year is approx 38 weeks (it is for ds's school) so that is 190 days. Meaning for 184 weekdays you get to do your normal routine during term time.

Missing 6 days isn't going to have any effect on your baby but it will affect your relationship with your pupils' parents.

I work full time. If I want to attend a parents' evening before 6pm I have to take a half day holiday so that is one half day less I get to spend with my son. I don't get much time to spend with him anyway so having to take time off and still not see him would make me very cross indeed particularly when it is 3 parents evenings which means three half days.

I think you should look at how lucky you are to be able to do a bedtime routine with your baby every night bar 6 out of 365 days. There are many many mothers who cannot do that ever. The only time I managed it was when I was on maternity leave.

OP, whilst you did ask for opinions, it doesn't matter what everyone says here. You have been given the time off, so take it gratefully, and be there for your little one. Also, you have a LEGAL right to request flexible working hours around breastfeeding so you really are not being unreasonable at all in my view and your headteacher perhaps knows this so hence you are being given the time. See here www.nhs.uk/Planners/breastfeeding/Documents/breastfeedingandwork%5B1%5D.pdf

YABU to be this worried about 6 times a year. If evenly spread then that's 3 in the next 6 months and 3 that are more than 6 months away so it's very very possible that your baby will be able to get to sleep without BFing by that point, especially if you make an effort to make her less dependent on you personally being there for her routine. Who knows, you may even like to have an evening away from the routine for you to have fun?

I don't really understand why it's so crucial you're there for 'supper at 6pm, then into a clean vest and sleepsuit', surely your DP can manage these tasks without you? Cuddle and BF could easily be moved back to 7/7:30 for 6 nights of the year so you could give parents appointments up to 7, which is reasonable and realistic for most people.
Nothing wrong with having a routine but setting it in stone is only going to cause problems in the long run, the world won't end if it moves by half an hour or an hour. Letting your DP do more will be good for him and your DD, I'm sure he'd be perfectly capable of doing supper and sometimes maybe you could BF until DD is sleepy, rather than fully asleep, then let DP actually cuddle her off to sleep.

Good luck back at work, I'm sure it will get easier as your DD gets older and you all get more used to it.

whostolemyname - Why are you so determined to get OP to ignore everyone else's opinion but yours?

You've now said 3 times that OP has already been given the time off so it doesn't matter what everyone here thinks.

OP posted in AIBU and has now been told by the vast majority that she is BU. That's the point isn't it? You pose a question here and people answer with their opinion.

I also don't go with the finishing at 5.45pm is still covering parents' evening, idea. That would be "parents' afternoon" IMO. I think it's very unreasonable to say parents should be more flexible by using their holidays to see their DC's teachers.

YABU. And I am a teacher. It's not like it's every night of the week. It is 6 times a year only. You should do it as it's not fair on your other colleagues. What if you were all new mothers? Should none of you be there after 6?

YABVU and teachers like you are the reason that the dingbat above posted about "Bloody teachers....."

As a teacher we have far more flexibility about leaving early to be with children than most other people.

Seriously? Put her to bed an hour later, stop breastfeeding, and hey ho job done.

FFS introduce some flexibility in your life.

Unless all those 6 evenings come up within the first months or so, your dd will change and develop and what may be a bit of a palaver the first time won't even be noticeable on a later occasion. If the fifth night, say, falls in 10 months time, her bedtime routines and times may totally have changed not to mention her need of constant access to breastmilk: she may be busily stuffing herself on spaghetti bolognese as you set off.

Well after finishing my prep work for tonight I thought I'd check my diary and pop back.... My parents evenings don't start till January so I doubt there will be a problem anyway apart from this one Open Evening. She has taken to food so well that I'm sure she won't be as needy with the BM at 10 months... I was over worrying...

And finally on the subject... I know reading the whole thread is long and boring but personally I like to scroll through the posts by the OP before posting so I know what exactly I'm replying to. I have acknowledged on more than one occasion that I was ignoring the fact my DD would age and her routine will change anyway. Also to the person who said the DP could do the supper and change of clothes - I never disputed that or said I had to do it. I only said I needed to be home for the breastfeed as my DD takes very little milk during the day due to her not really taking to the bottle. This too might change in the next few month.

Thank you all again for your responses. I do genuinely appreciate it. I intend to make it up to my colleagues as I do feel bad for not being there. My OH is off work tomorrow so I can stay a little and sort out what is needed for Open Evening so that they don't have to do much (if anything) in prep for the next evening.

My Dc's school never does anything after 5:30pm. Yanbu it's only for a short time. Enjoy the first year whilst you can.

DH is also a teacher in a department like yours and I am going to ask him tomorrow if he can request the same thing as I am due to give birth in just over a week and surely a new born is even more of a reason to expect this kind of treatment

You lost me at "without booby".

Vom.

bloody hell you lot, step away from the pitchforks the poor cow has already said she takes it all on board.

pitchforks for sale, get your luverly pitchforks right here. Pitchforks for sale....

Batsupmenightie... hardly appropriate as OP's DC is not even one yet....not 30.

Give the poor woman a break, she has very gracefully taken a fairly unanimous MN disagreement!

Oh, and what Kitty said.

Parents' evening are directed time, but we are allowed to say we can only be there until a certain time. If I have to do this then I phone the parents I missed. I'm certain that we have to be there for open evening and the only exceptions are NQTs who are just settling in. However, if your head has said fine, then fine! Just as long as it doesn't affect your performance management, especially going through threshold, as one of the p standards is working as a team.

Shelley - i have emphasised it because it seems the OP has asked the question because she has been made to feel guilty about a decision she has made that she feels is best for her and her daughter. I think the majority of people are replying as parents who would want to go and see their child's teacher on a parents evening, rather than from the OP point of view (not all, but most). And I think the OP needs to have her own daughter as no 1 priority at this time. That is all. The vast majority of people obviously disagree so I am trying to make her feel better about it because i truly don't believe she is doing anything wrong, that is all. Where I work we have a couple of people on differing hours due to breastfeeding. Yes it can be a pain in the arse for the rest of us, but thats tough on us, their babies are more important than what suits us imo.

Clearly the rest of you disagree though! :)

Just a word of encouragement about leaving her with your husband. I do get where you are coming from because I was just like this about both of mine - utterly convinced that the world would end if I wasn't there to feed to sleep etc. Eventually, my husband gently ushered me out of the door on a night out with my friends and pointed out that the very, very worst thing that could happen would be a slightly cross baby being comforted by her daddy. Hardly heartbreaking stuff.

My 2nd born was highly dependent on me, and once or twice I came home to find them both sitting happily on the sofa watching Elmo and eating yogurt at 11pm... and the world kept on turning :)

YABVU!