To request that I can leave work for 6pm to be home for DD bedtime *every night*?

[1catherine1]

I'm a teacher and am in a core department with 5 full time members of staff, one of whom is on a temporary contract. The teacher on a temporary contract is never asked to do anything outside of the usual 9-3 with the exception of the planning and assessment. Out of the remaining 4 teachers I am the only one who has a family. This is what makes this so difficult. Two of the department (head and second) are both women who chose not to have a family, the other in the department is a young man who I believe just hasn't got around to it yet (I'm assuming as he told me he loves babies and kids). My DD is 6mo and I only returned to teaching full time at the start of this term.

Now my department are fantastic and very understanding but I'm feeling a little torn and guilty. Each night our bedtime routine includes her supper at 6pm, then into a clean vest and sleepsuit, followed by cuddle time at 6:30pm. Cuddle time involves the two of us lying on the sofa and her relaxing and having her final feed (BF) of the night which lasts about 30 to 40 minutes until she falls asleep next to me. She stays cuddled up with me until 7:30pm when I take her up to bed. She often wakes up as I take her up stairs but she quickly goes back to sleep when I put her down.

My problem is that I am only asked to stay later than 6pm 6 times a year. 5 parent's evenings and open evening but I really don't think my OH could get her to sleep without booby so staying would mean she gets upset waiting for me. For parents evenings this would mean that all my appointments would have to be finished for 5:45pm which isn't that unreasonable I think, but for Open Evening which runs from 6pm to 8pm it means I would have to miss it completely...

AIBU to ask to not have to be there? It would only be this year as she is still so young I have already asked and my HoD was fine about it but told me I had to ask the Head who reluctantly agreed - but made me feel rather guilty for asking. Although tbh I gave the reason that I had no childcare and I couldn't ask the (onsite) nursery as they shut at 5:30pm - which is true as my OH is working that night.

The OP isn't saying she cant do any parents evening appointments, just that she will need to finish by 545. Parents with any concerns re their DC shouldn't be waiting for parents evening to address concerns anyway. When you have kids they are always going to be your priority over other peoples kids. Anyway its already been agreed, enjoy your lovely evenings feeding your little one OP.

As a teacher myself (and mum) you should do the lates 6 times a year... YABU

not having a family shouldn't mean you have to work harder/longer

NinkyNonker you have said in a few words what I wittered on about over several paragraphs.

You have an issue because your dc is still very small and you are BF.

These 6 days you are talking about will be spread over the year. What could be an issue in a month's time will probably not be in 4 or 6 months time (even if you are still BF at that time. A 1yo will be much more likely to falll asleep wo you than your 6 months old, expecially as she will have done that during the day).

Instead of asking that you will never work after 6pm, I would play by ear. Explain the issue you have now if you have a parent evening coming up in the next month. Tell poeple in advance so that no one is caught up short. And remember to stay flexible and involve your DH in the bedtime routine :)

Trois, if you work in a school you've probably also realised that it is a minority of teachers who run to the union every five minutes (I've never had any need to talk to mine except to change my direct debit details!) and a minority of teachers who are members of SLT and therefore decide when meetings, open evenings etc are. The rest of us turn up when we're told to (and plenty of times when we choose to do extra) and get on with our jobs. Many of us also miss important events in our own families' lives so that we can be their for the children we teach (and their parents) we are actually nice, reasonable people

YABU for using the word 'booby'. For heaven's sake!

I would take a dim view if, as a parent, I turned up to see my child's teacher to be told that she had had to go home to breastfeed her child.

What arrangements are made during the day for your child re breastfeeding? Why can't those be extended to the evening? Presumably she is taking a bottle during the day, so why can't your DH feed her the bottle in the evening?

If you were being asked to do this every evening then I might have some sympathy for you. But for 6 evenings a year? Seriously. Get real.

YABVVVU! And not doing much to dispel the stereotype of teachers being totally out of touch with what other working people have to juggle. And I say that as someone who grew up in a house full of teachers!

Er, I think there should be a 'because' or an extra capital letter in there somewhere. Sorry.

< decides not to admit I'm an English teacher >

Thank you for your many many many fast responses.

As I stated it would be only this year, as she is so little. But I take the massive point that I missed on the whole my DD won't be 6mo all year! So yes, by 9mo or 1yo I won't be expecting her to be so dependent on me. Just 3 weeks into back to work has been a big shock to her. She doesn't take EBM very well. She manages 2 oz all day while I'm out at work most days, occasionally slightly more, occasionally less. Then she makes up for it when I get home.

As far as parents evenings go - My appointments never seem to go past 6:45 anyway so I'm sure I could do them no problem and see if she manages or waits for me. My OH does look after her during the day but unfortunately due to me returning to work in Sept I didn't know the date of open evening until I got back and my OH work rota is done a month in advance so it was too late to change it. I have given him the dates of the parents evenings as I checked them the first day back so I will have childcare for these. He isn't/wasn't shirking his responsibility as a parent. Last year I'm sure open evening was later...

YABU as Rickghastly says you could ask your DH to bring your DD along so you can nip off and feed her if required.
If you were being asked/expected to work late once a week I would understand, but this is 6 times a year, plus it cannot be completely unexpected to you that you would be required to participate in parents evenings.

Sorry, but YABU.

What is she doing in the day? How is she settling at nap time? Whatever the answers are to those are the things DH will need to do to put her to bed on the one night you have to work at her bedtime.

x-posts

Ooh, I have the solution. Take her to parents evening. You can feed her as you talk to parents and they'll be so busy either cooing or hoiking up their judgy pants that none of them will tell you off or ask you why little Johnny hasn't achieved a Level 8 this year. Plus, we'll get an amazing 'AIBU - to not expect my son's teacher to BF her LO at parents' evening' that night

Sorry but have to agree that YABU and need to get with the real world. I have 3 little ones - one just started school, 2 at nursery and am 8 months pregs. If I need to stay back for a meeting, I need to stay back and DH and I juggle the pick ups. 6 times a year is nothing. Appreciate you're feeding but what about expressing for those nights? you're going to have to get her off the boob at some point anyway in the next year or two i imagine. Also it will do her and your DH good if he gets a look in at the bedtime routine. Sorry if I sound harsh but if you do it all yourself, you'll build a rod and all that - when she hits 1 they can get really stubborn.

Fwiw, at 6 mo dd very much needed me to go to bed. Now at a year she will happily settle for DH and isn't reliant on a bedtime feed as she is eating proper meals etc...so I wouldn't put in place plans for the year.

YABU

If it were just about BFing then I would be more understanding, but you are not willing to miss the cuddles and the routine.

I can understand taht you are finding it hard to go back to work, and are missing your DD during the day, and wishing to savour the time that you have with her.

But if you were my child's teacher, then I would like the opportunity to speak to you. And 6 times a year is not too much.

Get your DH to put your DD to bed sometimes or she will never settle for him. What will you do if you are ill and he HAS to settle her?

I have taken that very good point on board NinkyNonker. And ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged, that is and excellent idea

Anyway... Sunday night. Must sort out for tomorrow. Thank you all and good night.

YABU YABU I feel evil writing it, but I think you are very lucky you have a day-time job with weekends off that you are able to spend the evenings with your child on 359 days of the year. I think the breastfeeding excuse is rather week too. I managed, along with several other colleagues, to work moveable shifts spread over a 24 hour period and 7 days a week, so never a routine and plenty of late and night shifts, yet managed to get 4 kids through 9 years of breastfeeding and this more unusual shift work, would never have dreamed of asking my employer to excuse me shifts so I could just pop home to breastfeed. Plus I would have felt it morally wrong for other colleagues to saddle more of the burden of the crap shift pattern just because I had a young child at home, no other colleagues with young children asked either.

One last thing, I am very pro co-sleeping, but one of the golden rules is NOT TO BREASTFEED LYING DOWN ON THE SOFA!!!!!! Honestly, it brings with it a huge risk, breastfeeeding can send mum and baby off to sleep, a sofa can be very dangerous to fall asleep on with a baby if you are lying down on it. Lie on a bed and breastfeed. I really hope I have misinterpreted what you have written there.

Sorry YABU. you knew when you went back what the deal was I assume. If it was a big issue you shouldn't have gone back. In many jobs you have to work unplanned (unpaid) overtime at the drop of the hat. At least you have notice of the dates in advance and can plan. Keep her up later those days or get you OH to put her to bed.

YABU for 6 days.
Your H will cope, if she has to take EBF, or water, and goes to bed later that ngiht it will be fine.
I am an NQT and felt awful about asking to leave an unexpected meeting early as the CM doesn't work past 6, everyone was fine but pulling the 'parent' card is a good way to piss everyone off imo.

I don't think YABU its only while your baby is very small, only 6 times in the next year. The fact that the other colleagues don't have kids isn't relevant. There will be years when they need the help for any various other reasons. Illness in family, holiday, just being busy anything. On these couple occasions its your turn and it just so happens that it's to do with dd.

However, if you become one of those parents who assumes that their child comes before everyone else and that you should automatically get better hours,holidays everything because you have a pfb then ywbvu

I really feel for you - despite dc1 refusing to bf at all, and successfully mixed-feeding dc2, dc3 just refused bottles no matter what I did. Went back to work (>1hr away) when he was 6months, and am very grateful for my understanding boss who helped me avoid having to work late for 6months so I could continue to bf.

My work normally involves staying a bit late (i.e. after 5.30pm) here & there, often unpredictably, although there are also some scheduled late shifts (these were what my boss agreed I could avoid for that time).

I spent the whole time feeling stressed and worried - dc3 would only have 2 or 3 ounces during the day max, and just made up for it when I was back. I was always worried I'd end up having to stay late/get caught in traffic/break down etc & he'd be crying for me - still remember that feeling of loads of milk & knowing he'd be desperate for a feed.

But I also stuggle with the fact that, in order to attend parents' eve/meet the teacher etc I have to take a half day, as they are always between 3.45 & 5pm (latest! maybe you should work there!) and, as I said, I work over an hour away. Each time I have had less than a weeks notice to arrange the time off - recently 2 working days for meet the teacher and last year 1 working day for parents' evening.

So I do understand how you feel, but...

(btw love Atruth's suggestion)

six times a year only

If it was six times a month, I can understand.

I also understand that you want to spend as much time as you can with your new dd but you are being very unreasonable.

My DP is a teacher and the father of 4 kids and he has never asked his boss for early finishes/dodging parents evenings etc in order to be part of his kids bedtime routine.

When DP was a new teacher and not earning much I worked in a call centre around his hours and missed about 3 years worth of bedtimes...and when I started doing that my kids were 12 weeks old, nearly 2 and nearly 3.

YABU. It's 6 times a year.

Yet another YABU I'm afraid, although I'm sure lots of us can sympathise with the shock of going back to work after ML!

Neither of my DC would ever take any sort of milk from any sort of bottle, so used to wait until I was home from work and then feed all night ()

Anyway, that's irrelevant, sorry - I took the view that it was my choice to become a parent and that it was unfair for that decision to impact in a detrimental manner on my colleagues or pupils and their parents/carers (yes, another teacher!)

Again though, you will be astonished by how much your child changes by Christmas, let alone by the summer. This is a short-term issue, and it can be got around, honestly it can.