To request that I can leave work for 6pm to be home for DD bedtime *every night*?

[1catherine1]

I'm a teacher and am in a core department with 5 full time members of staff, one of whom is on a temporary contract. The teacher on a temporary contract is never asked to do anything outside of the usual 9-3 with the exception of the planning and assessment. Out of the remaining 4 teachers I am the only one who has a family. This is what makes this so difficult. Two of the department (head and second) are both women who chose not to have a family, the other in the department is a young man who I believe just hasn't got around to it yet (I'm assuming as he told me he loves babies and kids). My DD is 6mo and I only returned to teaching full time at the start of this term.

Now my department are fantastic and very understanding but I'm feeling a little torn and guilty. Each night our bedtime routine includes her supper at 6pm, then into a clean vest and sleepsuit, followed by cuddle time at 6:30pm. Cuddle time involves the two of us lying on the sofa and her relaxing and having her final feed (BF) of the night which lasts about 30 to 40 minutes until she falls asleep next to me. She stays cuddled up with me until 7:30pm when I take her up to bed. She often wakes up as I take her up stairs but she quickly goes back to sleep when I put her down.

My problem is that I am only asked to stay later than 6pm 6 times a year. 5 parent's evenings and open evening but I really don't think my OH could get her to sleep without booby so staying would mean she gets upset waiting for me. For parents evenings this would mean that all my appointments would have to be finished for 5:45pm which isn't that unreasonable I think, but for Open Evening which runs from 6pm to 8pm it means I would have to miss it completely...

AIBU to ask to not have to be there? It would only be this year as she is still so young I have already asked and my HoD was fine about it but told me I had to ask the Head who reluctantly agreed - but made me feel rather guilty for asking. Although tbh I gave the reason that I had no childcare and I couldn't ask the (onsite) nursery as they shut at 5:30pm - which is true as my OH is working that night.

Dont start me on the Afternoon Parents Consultation Days! Bloody teachers think no one else in the world works and is able to take unpaid leave ~ one ofmy sons school tried that racket on the premis that teachers working till 8pm caused too much sick leave the following day. This is where I start muttering about getting out in the real world.

YABU.

It is only a few nights a year.

Your DH can look after her.

You are a professional and that requires a certain level of commitment to the role. I am all for flexible family friendly working (as a working mother) however there has to be some flexibility both ways where possible.

OP I think YABabitU.

Six times over a year is really not that much. And only one of those is going to be a very late one. I'm sure your baby would be fine with a slightly late bedtime as a one off (if you got home at 7pm instead of 6pm), also it would be good for your DH to manage on his own.

Plus your baby may have this routine NOW, but things can change quickly. In 3 or 6 months you may have a completely different routine.

Of course you are being unreasonable.

'And if the parents really want to see you personally they will need to be more flexible themselves and take annual leave/ flexitime or whatever.'

Yes, because obviously, time with your family is far more important than their time with theirs.

If it's already been agreed, though, OP, it's hardly a request anymore.

But by the way, the latest parents evening appt at my DDs infant school is 5.30pm!! What a joke!

YABU as you knew the situation before you made the decision to return to work. If you teach all 5 year groups you must attend all 5 parents' evenings. I think you might have a case for open evening though, but depends if its directed time or not.

Absolutely YABU and if I were your HoD or Headteacher I would not have agreed at all. And the fact you asked and thought it would be reasonable would contribute to my opinion of you professionally.
But from a personal pov, I have as a parent been to three evening so far this year at my daughter's school. The first one which was a 'new parents drinks' was 7-9. We left about 9 and was bowled over my teachers keen to leave and my DH wanted to go back into the hall, see which teachers were still there talking to parents and ask for THOSE teachers to teach our daughter.

YAB understandably U. When you're a new parent you think everything and anything that interferes with your new family set up is completely unreasonable and unfair. But everything will be fine.

Your husband will manage.

If you have to work then i'm afraid there are lots of compromises that must be made - at least it's only 6 days a year.

Exactly, trois! My sister is a teacher, too, and a mum. She was not able to take time off for afternoon appointments for these things. It's not possible for people in certain professions.

I thought employers had to make reasonable adjustments to accomodate bf Mums?

Is it possible that you could pop home, bf and then pop back to work to do later appointments?

FWIW DS was in Y7 last year and due to DHs work commitments (lecturer running evening classes) and DD being poorly, neither of us could make parents evening, however DS' lovely form tutor suggested a telephone discussion that could be followed up with a meeting if there were any issues that arose from it.

YABU. As has been said, your partner can feed the baby expressed milk, and it's only 6 nights a year. These open evenings are the only chance that a lot of working parents will have to speak to you about their child, and it's part of your job. Your lo will either settle, or wait up for you-it's not the end of the world. And I say this as a full time WOHM who has at times had to upset the baby's routine because of work commitments.

When they have parent meetings at my DD's school we have a choice of Friday afternoon or Wednesday night. I work on a Friday and I'm not willing to take a half day annual leave for a 10 minute meeting,that is usually running late, so I go on the Wednesday but the earliest I could finish work and be there is 6.15 and I'm sure I'm not the only parent who works or has other commitments.

I would be really annoyed if my DD's teacher wasnt there as I always have questions to ask.

YABVU if it is only 6 times a year.

Your DH can give him expressed milk or bring him to your workplace so you can feed him or you can push baby's bedtime back a bit for the night you are late home. None of those things done 6 times a year will harm you or the baby .

And I speak as the mother of DS who was BF to sleep till he was 2! On the odd occasion I was out at bedtime he was offered a cup of milk or chose to go without and I'd "dreamfeed" him when I got in.

It's parents' evening. It's your job. I'd be absolutely furious if one of my department said they couldn't do parents' evening - it's a non-negotiable and you were unreasonable to even ask.

YABU. Six times a year and DH in the picture!

5.45 p.m. is too early for some parents and the Open Evening may be the only chance to meet you. You have to stretch yourself.

But more widely: this could go on for years. The head and the second and the young man have private lives too and those private lives are as important as yours. In future you will have other colleagues with no children yet or children grown up and they too will have private lives. When your LO is older and does not need continual care you will not want to give up your private life for others, so it is in your interest too to accept that everybody's out-of-hours life is of equal importance and no one sort trumps another.

It is the only rule which is fair to everybody.

I think yabu, and i say that as a teacher myself - i would not be happy if one of colleagues tried to play this card. Parents evenings are part of contracted hours - we have an obligation to do them, and parents have a right to be able to see their child's teacher - last appointment at 5.45 is not possible for many, particularly as many can't take flexitime - teachers for example!!
You also make things much harder for other women to follow you, eg dept may be reluctant to employ younger women in case they try and pull your stunt.
If it is only 6 x year then your partner will have to suck it up, and if necessary walk round with your baby in a sling/take for car ride/whatever else will settle them. I'd also bet my bottom dollar that it won't only be for this year, and next year you will be going - oh but they miss me so much at bedtime, and yet again leaving your colleagues to pick up your slack. you always have the option to go on supply/temp yourself if you don't want to do parents evenings.
(mother of four boob monsters)

I would say YABU to expect not to work any of them past 6pm. Could you compromise and work 3 out of 6? So that those parents who also have to work late can get to talk to you?

And, you really really must have some faith in your DH's ability. And, consider what is the worst that can happen if you get home 15-30mins later than if you finish at 5:45pm? she will cry for 15-30mins? but with her daddy to comfort her? is it going to harm her more than it could affect the parents who can't talk to you about their children?

I do understand how you feel though, the thought is unbearable at first, but once you have done a couple of minutes away here and there, you will see it is not so bad.

You are being unreasonable I'm afraid. It's only 6 times a year. It is part of your teaching/professional committment. Your DH will cope, if you give him the chance to cope. When is the first meeting?

I'm a teacher with a child, and I actually think you were unreasonable in asking not to attend. As a parent, I would be very pissed off if I couldn't meet one of my child's teachers at parents evenings.

"Bloody teachers think no one else in the world works"

Trois - 'Bloody teachers' don't decide when parents evenings, INSET days, snow days, holidays etc are. 'Bloody headteachers / local authorities / governors' decide all of that. A brief read through this thread will prove that teachers do realise that everyone else works and that most of us think the OP is being (understandably) unreasonable.

I'm amazed you have been let off so early for parents eve to be honest, amazed. Open Eves are one thing, though I still think they should be equally split with the rest of the department as not having a family shouldn't mean you have to work harder/longer.

I don't think YABU really. At every Parents' Evening I've attend, at least one teacher has been absent but has let parents know of alternative ways to contact them.

You can't always get a bf baby to take expressed milk; my youngest never did and I bf until she was 3 and 1/2. There must have been some night when I was absent though and her dad obviously managed to get her to sleep so it can be done. But I think, for one year, yanbu really

YABU, and I say that as someone who works full-time with 2 small dcs. 6 evenings is really not much at all.

Sorry but I'm just a tad cynical these days................

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged

Last time I looked 'the bloody teachers' on my sons SLT who decided to have Consultation Days were all members of the teaching staff. ANd it was the Head herself who told me they moved from evening to afternoon to reduce staff sickness.

FYI, you havent picked it up previously I work in a secondary school so Im well acquainted with the ducks a nd dives and the endless mantra of 'oooo the union wont like that' .... never worked anywhere like it before.