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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my DP not to go around snogging people at works dos

45 replies

hanaka88 · 25/09/2011 06:11

Especially seeing as I've just given him another chance after finding him on them Internet dating sites for people who want to cheat.

Found out on Facebook. He obviously didn't know I'm friends with someone or was too drunk to realise, they were talking about it and he said 'mouths shut to hanaka guys'

I took him back because my little boy (ASD) loves him. I love him too. Now he's going to be gone again and my poor little boy is going to be even more confused.

I feel like such rubbish mum.

OP posts:

BimboNo5 · 25/09/2011 06:12

Eh??? Why does it make you a rubbish mum? You haven't done anything wrong dont project the blame onto yourself!

Georgimama · 25/09/2011 06:16

Obviously YANBU. He sounds like a prize cock. "Gone again2 - so he has left before? Is he your son's father?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/09/2011 06:50

YANBU. And you're not a 'rubbish mum' Don't take back a cheating wanker 'for the sake of the children' because the child will one day turn around and ask what the hell you were thinking, making yourself miserable like that. And you don't really love him... you're just dependent on him, used to him being around, not sure you could cope solo. If you put some distance between the pair of you with a trial separation you'd find that, after a relatively short time, your brain would clear and you'd wonder why you were ever so tolerant.

In the meantime, tell the idiot that 'hanaka knows all about him', read him the riot act and keep him on a far, far tighter leash. No more works dos for him. Good luck

Piggles · 25/09/2011 06:52

I don't see how him signing up to cheating dating sites or slobbering on people at a works do reflects badly on you as a mum.

All it says about you is that you are generous enough to give a second chance to a man who you and your son care about, even though he did something wrong and hurtful.

Sadly, he doesn't seem to deserve that second chance you so kindly gave him and instead of feeling fortunate you hadn't dumped his sorry arse and getting on his best behavior, he proved himself to be a real dick by doing something else crappy.

His fail, not yours.

whoneedssleepanyway · 25/09/2011 06:53

YANBU at all, it sounds a cliche but in this case I would say that it does seem as though a leopard can't change its spots...

It will be much worse for your little boy OP if you keep giving him second chances and much further down the line things don't work out. If you do love him he needs to prove he can change and I would be giving him no more second chances.

This is nothing about being a rubbish mum.

YellowDave · 25/09/2011 06:59

Agree with everyone on this thread that this says nothing about you as a Mum. Piggles put it the best and I agree with every word

Original poster

hanaka88 · 25/09/2011 07:03

Well I let him back in for him to mess us about again. I should have kept him away to save my little boy getting confused.

OP posts:

YellowDave · 25/09/2011 07:05

Totally disagree with cogito about keeping him on a tighter leash though. How is that any way to live? For a relationship to work you need to TRUST each other and he has resoundingly proved that that is not possible by not respecting you enough to not cheat even after you have given him a second chance.

For what its worth I don't think I would have even done that as going on dating sites is a pretty calculated intent to cheat isn't it and can't be explained away as 'so so sorry I was just drunk and she came onto me' or similar crap excuses. But you did which was the right decision for you and your son at the time and totally reasonable. This time taking him back will be tantamount to saying that cheating is OK so you should really only do so if you are prepared to turn a blind eye to this.

You and your son deserve more than playing second fiddle to this arse. You deserve someone who will treat you with love and respect and will ALWAYS put you first. Such men do exist (I am lucky enough to be married to one) so stand up for yourself. Your son will thank you in the long run.

Good luck x

Original poster

hanaka88 · 25/09/2011 07:06

He's not my little boys dad no. Thats another story altogether. I've been with him 3 years and my sons only 5.

OP posts:

Original poster

hanaka88 · 25/09/2011 07:12

After I caught him on the dating sites he said he was 'just curious' and didn't do anything with anyone.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/09/2011 07:38

"How is that any way to live? For a relationship to work you need to TRUST each other..."

I agree 100% But I got the impression that the OP - with all the claims of 'loving' this man - is reluctant to throw him out and therefore, until she can make her mind up what to do for the best, keeping her wayward boyfriend on a tight rein might at least give her back some feeling of control.

OP.... men who are happy and committed to their relationship are rarely 'curious' enough to check out dating sites in secret and usually don't snog girls at a works party.

HairyGrotter · 25/09/2011 07:40

You are not a rubbish mum, he is the one at fault here, the blame lies at his feet and his alone.

You deserve better, focus your energies on you and your son, remove him from your lives, he has proven twice now he isn't worth the trust.

kat2504 · 25/09/2011 07:47

A boyfriend is not a dog that you keep on a leash. He is a man who makes his own decisions. Unfortunately this man is making crap decisions. The OP does not need to "control" him. He needs to control himself. He is an adult, not a naughty child.
As someone else has said, a leopard does not change his spots. He has proven that you can't trust him, he has even asked friends to lie about his behaviour, so he is quite happy to make a fool of you in public.

ballstoit · 25/09/2011 07:52

Of course YANBU. You're not a rubbish mum, if you were then you wouldnt care how your DPs behaviour impacts on your DS.

Has this all come out this morning? Take your time making your decisions about what to do next...ring a friend and arrange to go for coffee to formulate a plan. Look after yourself (you can't look after DS unless you do) and please accept a for now and a for later x

Shakirasma · 25/09/2011 07:55

There is nothing like trying to keep a partner on a tight leash to make you miserable, them resentful, and push them away.

That's no way to live. Neither is staying with a cheater because you are afraid of going solo. There is no trust, this relationship is doomed. OP you deserve much better, so does your son.

Proudnscary · 25/09/2011 08:06

Your 'd'p is being an immature, hurtful cunt.

You are not a rubbish mother my love, he is being a rubbish partner and in broader terms a rubbish father because he's jeopardising his kids' security.

Men don't go on dating sites out of curiosity, but you know that don't you.

Really feel for you - do you have lots of real life support?

Original poster

hanaka88 · 25/09/2011 08:06

I won't keep him on a Leash. We were apart all summer and I was ok but e begged to come back and I let him. I'm an idiot

OP posts:

Shakirasma · 25/09/2011 08:13

You are not an idiot. You are kind, generous and look for the best in people. Those are qualities OP, not negatives.

But everybody makes mistakes. What is important is that we learn from them and not make the same one twice.

You were not an idiot for giving him a second chance, but he was for taking you for a fool and blowing that chance. You are only an idiot if you let him get away with it this time.

olibeansmummy · 25/09/2011 08:22

You are not a rubbish mum but he is an absolute arsehole. Ooh I'm angry for you, blatantly talking about what he's done on fb and telling people not to tell you. Disgusting little man. Your ds will get over losing him in time but if you take him back again he'll continue to treat you like dirt :(. You know what you have to do.

Piggles · 25/09/2011 08:38

I don't think you should beat yourself up for giving him another chance.

People all over the world give cheating partners a second chance all the time. Some of those who get that second chance go on to behave themselves and regain trust. Others just can't change their cheating spots and will continue to do things they shouldn't.

Unfortunately, you don't know how a second chance will go until you've given it.

I can understand wanting to believe him joining a dating site was just a result of curiosity. If you and your child have a comfortable and loving life established with someone then it is natural to not want to disturb the status quo - especially when there is no overwhelming evidence that your partner actually has been unfaithful.

But now you've read on facebook that he has been unfaithful it makes it clearer that the dating site membership probably doesn't have such an 'innocent' explanation after all and puts him in a not-so-nice light.

You sound like a loving mum, and you will be able to help your son through any confusion or unhappiness the ending of your relationship may cause if that is the step you decide to take.

Original poster

hanaka88 · 25/09/2011 08:42

Thanks everyone. I need to get him out of my life!
The rubbish thing is I owe him money. Even though he lived with me for a year and never contributed to food or rent or bills I borrowed £200 off him recently when money was tight saying I'd pay him back each month.

Now I know he's going to want it all back immediately.

OP posts:

kat2504 · 25/09/2011 08:47

Well you have paid him back. You have more than paid him back in fact. He has had a roof over his head and food on his plate for a year. The going rate for lodging is a lot more than 200 a year.
You shouldn't have borrowed off him, you should have got him to pay his way, but it is a bit late for that now. If he has the cheek to say anything, mention what half the rent would have been for a year and say he owes you that but you will be prepared to call it quits. I bet he owes you more than you owe him!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/09/2011 08:54

So what if he wants money back? He's broken promises to you.... you can break a promise to him. If he wants the money let him whistle for it.

crystalglasses · 25/09/2011 08:59

If you made an agreement to pay him back monthly, you don't have to change that, just because you're finishing ypour relationship. That agreement still stands if you want it to.

foreverondiet · 25/09/2011 09:05

re: paying back, pay it back at the rate YOU can afford, as others have said food, rent and bills for a year would be more like £200 a week.

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