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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want family here on DATE NIGHT?

115 replies

ElizabethDarcy · 21/09/2011 11:58

DH and I have been looking forward to a date night for ages... theatre, dinner, which will lead onto a treat from DH when we get home (said treat not told to sister, but it's a sexy massage), next morning is Sunday and we want to sleep in (for a change... usually go to church). So we are really looking forward to Sat night :)

Cue sister... had some tears, rowed with housemate, crying on the phone, then texts me a looong text re how her house share wants to have friends over on Sat and as she has rowed with housemate she doesn't want to be there and can she come to us that night? She is aware we will out, but 'she doesn't mind being on her own, she will just chill at ours.. and sleep over'.

I love her and feel for her... but this is the ONE night that we want for US. She often stays over, which is fine, and we seldom say no to her. But it has put me in an awkward position. DH not keen to have her here, but he is a thoughtful man and her being single is a card often played, and he doesn't want ructions btwn us.

If she did stay, there goes our romance out the window and we'll have to get up early in the am (she will stay for the day then too, unwritten, she often does this).. and I'll have to listen to her moans (yet again)... when honestly, all I want is a relaxing, romantic Sat night and Sunday with my DH. And I am tiptoeing around my sister.... can she honestly not realise that our date doesn't end the minute we leave the theatre..??? That it might continue at home???

OP posts:

Blu · 21/09/2011 16:16

My mothers woe-is-me needy sister has almost wrecked my parents marriage. Or rather my mother's failure to keep her sister at bay has nearly wrecked their marriage, and constantly undermines what should have been pleasurable occasions.

Just say 'sorry, DSis, not on Saturday Night. I've promised DH that we will have a 24 hours just to ourselves in celebration of not being on crutches (or whatever) and that's what we need to do'. It's prefectly reasonable - your wish / need / committment is no less important than her inconveninece with her flat mates - which just isn't your problem!

Chocolategirl3 · 21/09/2011 16:22

Learnt a new thing reading this thread, you can only be stressed, pushed for time, have to squeeze sex in at pre-arranged time ONLY if you have kids.

Have to say a lot of you posters are talking out of your arses. I know a fair few people who set aside a specific night to spend time with each other as life with or without kids is just so hectic.

OP tell your sister no, she is an adult and will get over it, enjoy your night and your sexy massage

GenevieveHawkings · 21/09/2011 16:23

Now that I know your sister is 40 and that her "crisis" is not really a crisis at all and just her wanting you to do exactly as she says, I'd simply tell her that you can't help her out that night.

Don't feel obliged to make excuses, just tell her no.

Sorry to be rude but you make your sister sound like an adult version of Violet Elizabeth Bott. She sounds insufferable.

Have to agree that the very term itself, and the whole notion of a "date night", gives me the major cringe though.

EverythingInMiniature · 21/09/2011 16:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bonkers20 · 21/09/2011 16:28

No, I think people were a bit baffled as to why the OP states "this is ONE night for us", not "we've both been really busy and have planned this special night" or "we work shifts and now after three weeks we get a w/e together".

In the absence of explanation (which of course the OP doesn't have to provide, but then can't be snotty that people are questioning things) then people DO assume.

MOST people without children do not have to plan "one night for us".

Give all the information and then people will be more inclined to be a bit more helpful.

Original poster

ElizabethDarcy · 21/09/2011 16:28

Blu... I hear you... I am often in such conflict with myself... having to choose btwn my DH and my sister, she puts spokes in the works OFTEN with outings and plans, only seeing things her way. We are moving away soon and I know this sounds terrible... but I cannot wait. I am hoping she will learn to stand on her own two feet. I am the younger sister and feel like mum.

OP posts:

RedBlanket · 21/09/2011 16:38

Blimey I thought your sister was 19/20 from the way you described her. Jesus 40!

Actually leaving the house on a Saturday night, to go somewhere other than the late shop for a bar of Galaxy. Too right I'm

She isn't taking the hint so you are going to have to be straight with her.

Original poster

ElizabethDarcy · 21/09/2011 16:39

Bonkers I mentioned health issues and work situ in a much earlier post, I don't feel the need to give all the information.

And I have not been snotty with anyone. Everyone is entitled to their opinion.

OP posts:

Original poster

ElizabethDarcy · 21/09/2011 16:41

Still no reply to my text... I guess I'll get a teary call later, when she thinks I'm off work (I have the day off, she doesn't know this).

OP posts:

cjbartlett · 21/09/2011 16:53

it does sound a bit too planned
are you trying to spice up your marriage, or ttc?
can't you just jump him tonight instead?

ledkr · 21/09/2011 17:03

I thought this was reasonable as its hard to schedule time alone with kids but if you dont have children why isnt every night like this.Before the children dh and i were out every weekend and laying in every weekend now we have babies thats over for a while.
I still dont think id fancy "date night" tho or a sexy massage,Id prefer a good nights sleep and some chocolate

loopylou6 · 21/09/2011 17:25

I really don't get why some of you are getting so shirty with OP? She's only asked a question and is having to endure people picking holes in everything she's saying

Op, tell your sister that you have plans and its not convenient for her to stay.

Original poster

ElizabethDarcy · 21/09/2011 17:29

cj please read the thread

ledkr we all lead different lives and have different challenges, and want/need different things... I hope you get your chocolate

OP posts:

ledkr · 21/09/2011 17:58

I was only being lighthearted op,i can see you got that tho

I hate anyone staying tbh,so id be with you all the way.I love my time to myself and or dh its sacred and i totally get why you wouldnt want anyone there on a sunday morning after a night out too.
Glad you reached a compromise.

Original poster

ElizabethDarcy · 21/09/2011 18:07

She still hasn't responded to my proposed compromise... so the jury is out there haha... I love her to bits, but realise I need to be firmer with her. She is here A LOT. And likes to chill (ie: DH and I cook, clean, serve her etc.). We both think she needs to grow up a bit tbh (said in much love of course )

OP posts:

anonacfr · 21/09/2011 18:35

She probably had a row with her flatmate because they're not as patient as you!

Is it me or does it sound like she's 'taking' your life? She comes over to your house, sleeps over and gets cooked for and fed whenever she feels like it.
I too thought she was a teenager/in her early 20s.

And what is wrong with planning a special night out??? Kids or no kids.

As for telling her she could stay while you were out. Why???? Even without the planned massage the last thing you'll want to do at the end of a nice relaxed evening will be to entertain your sister.

ledkr · 21/09/2011 18:45

Just to pass the time whilst you wait for the text,my pils once turned up at our romantic log cabin with hot tub and stayed for ages,we were in the tub drinking champagne-now that is thick skinned

anonacfr · 21/09/2011 19:12

Nice!

Original poster

ElizabethDarcy · 21/09/2011 19:15

anon... yes, she does this... has made herself ONE cup of coffee here. Ever. And this was after she said she felt like coffee.. and DH said 'you know where the kettle is, feel free to make coffee'. So she did. And didn't offer to make us either. A silly, petty example, but this is how she is always. And when she's here she lies down on DH's couch, so he doesn't even have anywhere to sit! Cannot sit.. has to lie down! The other siblings complain about this when she visits them too.. which is very seldom of course, maybe once every 2 years... -lucky them

ledkr haha I would have been flaming mad at them!

Still no text reply.

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 21/09/2011 19:16

Am I the only one (although anonacfr nearly said it) who thinks she absolutely has to come round on Saturday night because she heard you were going to have a rare evening out with your own husband? Like... there's two people who are about to have a nice time without her, can't be having that! Get in quick! At a guess it's more likely that she's afraid of being left out rather than consciously trying to spoil it, but spoiling it will be the end result.

GenevieveHawkings · 21/09/2011 19:22

ElizabethDarcy so what if she doesn't reply to your text? She will have received it.

Just go ahead with your plans and don't give her another thought. If she turns up on the night just tell her that you're going out and that you texted her to tell her that it wasn't going to be convenient.

You've got to start somewhere with her and why shouldn't it be now eh? Sounds like the ideal opportunity to me.

You shouldn't feel guilty about cutting her lose - she's 40 ffs and she should be more than able to look after herself. She sounds like she's taking the piss to me if she's always around at yours expecting to be waited on hand foot and finger.

anonacfr · 21/09/2011 19:35

She LIES DOWN on the couch and he has to just stand there- who doles that??? That is just so inappropriate. Why can't he just tell her to sit down like a grown up?
I'm quite curious about her flatmate- how do they get on? Also I know this is totally none of my business but why is she sharing a place at her age?

And what excuses does she have when she shows up at your place uninvited- I can understand the odd coffee/meal etc but staying over when you live in the same town and using your place as a home away from home whenever she feels like it is v odd at her age.

GenevieveHawkings · 21/09/2011 19:38

"And when she's here she lies down on DH's couch"

DH's couch?...

I hope you haven't got two of them to contend with there ElizabethDarcy.

FontSnob · 21/09/2011 19:47

YANBU - tell her NO!! Bugger off!! :)

I think it is very important for couples to plan time together, children or no children, busy lives still get in the way of time together.

Enjoy it (am very of you)

BeaOnSea · 21/09/2011 20:18

A definite NO to your sister! If she was needing somewhere because she was in deep trouble or getting out of a bad relationship - that would be different. The fact that she's had a row with her housemate -well, tough titty. She sounds quite a selfish person and I wouldn't let her get in the way of your plans. Especially as you are spending time with her on the Friday.

I completely understand why you are looking forward to your special night. We all have busy lives and it is very easy to slip into a rut - sometimes neglecting each other. To make a date, and feel special again, is wonderful.

Have a lovely night!.

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