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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want family here on DATE NIGHT?

115 replies

ElizabethDarcy · 21/09/2011 11:58

DH and I have been looking forward to a date night for ages... theatre, dinner, which will lead onto a treat from DH when we get home (said treat not told to sister, but it's a sexy massage), next morning is Sunday and we want to sleep in (for a change... usually go to church). So we are really looking forward to Sat night :)

Cue sister... had some tears, rowed with housemate, crying on the phone, then texts me a looong text re how her house share wants to have friends over on Sat and as she has rowed with housemate she doesn't want to be there and can she come to us that night? She is aware we will out, but 'she doesn't mind being on her own, she will just chill at ours.. and sleep over'.

I love her and feel for her... but this is the ONE night that we want for US. She often stays over, which is fine, and we seldom say no to her. But it has put me in an awkward position. DH not keen to have her here, but he is a thoughtful man and her being single is a card often played, and he doesn't want ructions btwn us.

If she did stay, there goes our romance out the window and we'll have to get up early in the am (she will stay for the day then too, unwritten, she often does this).. and I'll have to listen to her moans (yet again)... when honestly, all I want is a relaxing, romantic Sat night and Sunday with my DH. And I am tiptoeing around my sister.... can she honestly not realise that our date doesn't end the minute we leave the theatre..??? That it might continue at home???

OP posts:
GenevieveHawkings · 21/09/2011 15:20

"But does her sister really need her or just fancy being at OPs rather than at her place when her housemate is having friend´s round?

If she needed OP, surely she wouldn´t want to sot there whilst OP was out?"

Ergo the sister needs a favour in my view.

If it was my sister I'd say yes to her without hesitation. I would also carry on and go out and have massage/sex as planned.

I really can't see the problem.

What's the need to make one particular night special in any case OP when you have every night to yourselves anyway if you have no kids?

Hullygully · 21/09/2011 15:22

read the thread

read the thread

read the thread

ffs

sandyballs · 21/09/2011 15:31

I don't get this! You don't have kids ..... so why would you need a 'date' night. I assumed from the first post that you were stressed out parents in desperate need of a break from the routines and stresses of family life. In which case you wouldn't have been unreasonable, but I think you are now are know you are child free. You can shag any night and have a sexy massage, surely? Or am I looking back with rose tinted specs Grin

GenevieveHawkings · 21/09/2011 15:37

Chances are if she had kids she wouldn't want a sexy massage and/or sex. Grin

ENormaSnob · 21/09/2011 15:38

Why is it assumed that a date night is only for people with kids? Hmm

Full time shift workers rarely see each other at times and are often too knackered to enjoy each others company. Hence a date night.

TeelaBrown · 21/09/2011 15:44

Gosh, I think all the "since you don't have kids" is a bit much, especially since OP has said she tried for a long time to have kids and isn't going to. People who don't have kids can have busy stressful lives too, in case some people don't remember.

OP, I think it would be OK to give your sister some boundaries if she is, as you say, over all the time. Since she's single and child-free, can she not pop out with a friend for the evening, slink home late and avoid the flat mate? Failing that, she can take herself off to the cinema for a double-bill... there's lots of nice cinemas where you can take a glass of wine in with you now.

Blu · 21/09/2011 15:49

Well no wonder you have no kids if your sister is at your house playing gooseberry every time you plan something romantic!

And she's being pathetic and needy.

Blu · 21/09/2011 15:51

OOOOOH SHIT!

Truly sorry, OP for that crap and crass silly facaetious comment. Really sorry. I did mean it in a v fllippant way.

But still say 'no'. It wrecks the mood if you have to make pleasant social chit chat to someone when you come in.

have a nice time.

WilsonFrickett · 21/09/2011 15:51

Oh I don't think OP is BU to say 'no' to the sister, of course not - her house, her life. I just think the shexy massage planning is weirdy...

BimboNo5 · 21/09/2011 15:53

YABU for saying date night and being so twee about the whole romance twaddle but ffs your sister is an adult I wouldn't even entertain such an idea, tell her to grow the hell up and also tell her NO!

Original poster
ElizabethDarcy · 21/09/2011 15:55

Parents are not the only people who have hectic lives, I find this very narrow minded... I have briefly mentioned there have been health issues, and work schedules, there are other commitments too. I needn't go into detail.

I/we are there for my sister all the time... she is needy and dependent (and 40, can you believe it)... and thinks that when she gets married she will change Hmm ... me actually saying 'no' to her is me standing up for a change and not giving in to guilt trips. I have never made my other siblings feel guilty re them being able to have children and us not... she should not be allowed to make me feel guilty for being happily married... and she does.

OP posts:
Hullygully · 21/09/2011 15:56

People don't read the thread, Elizabeth, all they see is that you don't have dc and plan a night out and go into a jealous frenzy

BimboNo5 · 21/09/2011 15:57

I wouldn't enter into any further conversation than no and leave it at that.

halcyondays · 21/09/2011 15:57

Sorry, op, hadn't read your later post about having tried to have kids for a long time. Having a row with a flatmate isn't that much of a crisis, she could just take herself out for the evening. It sounds as if she's a bit lonely and relies on you a bit too much for company, but maybe she needs to find some interests or spend time with other friends sometimes.

Original poster
ElizabethDarcy · 21/09/2011 15:58

I didn't know re the massage treat till last night - it was going to be a surprise... DH felt it necessary to tell me about this when my sister asked about staying over.

The only planned thing (from my side) was dinner and theatre - both booked by DH. He wants to take me out and spoil me. There has been a lot of difficult stuff going on (naturally y'all don't know about it), I am sans crutches now and able to walk about and it's amazing :)

OP posts:
Original poster
ElizabethDarcy · 21/09/2011 15:59

HullyGully I hear you Grin... everyone always thinks no-one could possibly be busier than them anyway ;)

OP posts:
halcyondays · 21/09/2011 16:00

Do the other siblings with children live nearby? Perhaps she could offer to babysit for one of them on Saturday night, then she would be able to chill at their house when the children are in bed.

Original poster
ElizabethDarcy · 21/09/2011 16:00

'Plan:
Theatre
Dinner
"Sexy Massage"

Reality:
Theatre
One of you drinks too much at dinner
Row
Ignore each other in taxi home
Drain what's left of cheap white wine that's been sat in fridge for week
Throw up
DH sleeps on sofa

I'd just say yes to your sister to be honest'

Dickie... you make me chuckle... hehe... but 'NO' to the last sentence!!! NO NO NO Grin

OP posts:
Whatmeworry · 21/09/2011 16:02

whatmeworry you just made me feel a bit queasy

Oh come off it, you are hardly a blushing 16 year old virgin! Just say No, or tell her DH wants you, the hall stairs and the kitchen table for his own use if you haven't got the bottle to admit you don't want her there.

Original poster
ElizabethDarcy · 21/09/2011 16:03

Halcy I am the only family she has locally... no partner, only me.. and DH of course... who has been very patient with her over the years, but is becoming increasingly frustrated at the way she impinges on our daily life in a needy, 'woe is me', guilt-laden way.

OP posts:
CurrySpice · 21/09/2011 16:03

The bit that amazes me isn't the date night, it's the fact that your sister is 40!! Shock

I thought you were going to say she was 20!!

Just say no. Tell her it's not convenient and you have plans. She must have other friends she can go and visit, especially as she's seeing you Friday already

The argument with the friends will probably have blown over by the weekend. Which sounds like something I would say to my 11yo!!

halcyondays · 21/09/2011 16:06

That's a pity, could have been a good solution. Tell her if she's looking for a partner, she's not likely to find one sitting in your house on a Saturday night. It's understandable she looks to you for company, but she shouldn't make you feel guilty for wanting to spend time together on your own in your own home.

JugsMcGee · 21/09/2011 16:10

I'm not sure why people think YABU for wanting to go on a planned night out with your DH. Yes, just chuck the theatre tickets away because your sister is acting like a teenager Hmm "You can go to the theatre any time" - why should she have to go another time? It's not like there's a genuine crisis.

Of course YANBU to want to go out with DH and have the house to yourself afterwards. Stop being a doormat.

HedleyLamarr · 21/09/2011 16:11

YANBU. Not at all. Just go with what ENormaSnob said. Grin

TeelaBrown · 21/09/2011 16:14

I agree that she sounds over-dependent on you. Does she not have pals to hang out with? Has she not been in the UK long? I'm mid-thirties, have plenty of friends in their forties who have an active social life, even if doesn't revolve around clubbing etc any more. Long term, you might want to think about encouraging her to get out and meet people a bit more...