To think sod it, and just, let my 15yo become a couch potato??!!

[Saggyoldclothcatpuss]

im at the end of my tether! He won't eat veg. He won't eat salad. He won't eat fish. He won't eat chicken unless it's coated in breadcrumbs. He doesn't like rice much. His attitude sucks. He does sod all, he wants this or that, but doesn't even attempt to get a job. If I suggest that he might eat a carrot, or wash the dishes, he throws a wobbly. I've just dragged my knackered self into town and bought him hiking trousers, to wear with the walking boots I bought him last month, when he goes on the scout hike on Saturday, that I paid for. I asked him to eat a little coleslaw, or he won't be getting the chocolate that his gran sent over. Apparently I'm a selfish cow, who feeds him shit, and does bugger all. I'm so fucking cross, I could scream! Or beat the crap out of the little shit!

LikeACandleButNotQuite agreed with everything apart from the pocket money bit he is 15 anymore than capable of getting a weekend job and earning money for himself

His mom will be providing a family meal so if he won't eats whats given then tuff titties

I wouldnt mind, but I am a laid back parent. I hardly ever put my foot down, they get to do what they want really, they get plenty of treats, and I dont often expect them to do much round the house.
I didnt buy the chocolate, my gran did, and I didnt use it as a bargaining tool to get him to eat. I told him that if he didnt even try some of the vegetable part (coleslaw, that he has eaten before) of his dinner, that he wouldnt be getting chocolate. 15 or not, thats not unreasonable. He sometimes has to eat things he doesnt like much, because he is 1 of 4 members of this household. Given the choice of menu, he will pick pizza or lasagne, and it would take him forever to get bored. (this is the kid who ate cheese on toast for lunch for 6 weeks solid, over the summer.)
I dont care what people say, he could survive on pizza, but it isnt healthy, and I wont allow it. He will only eat fatty food if given a choice, and as
1/ I cook,
2/I pay for it, and we havent got the money to cook seperate meals,
3/He is not prepared to cook for himself,
4/I dont want him to have a heart attack,
he will have to eat what he is given, or go hungry.
I feel a little more in control now, we have had a long talk, and I stayed calm. We discussed what happened, and that we shouldnt have hit one another, and why it happened. Basically, he needs to learn to compromise, and have respect for the rest of us, as he currently wont give an inch on anything. I need to stay calm, and not get worked up, and he musnt go off the deep end over every little thing, and I will not be spoken to like that.
The trouble is, we are too much alike!

Sorry not sure you need to compromise you are the parent he is the CHILD its your house

I think the trouble is he might be getting confused as to who is in charge

But I am glad you have it sorted

1)cook one family meal, if he doesnt eat it, tough. I do. Not getting chocolate is part of the 'tough'
2)provide essentials for him, eg, toiletries, busfare for school, and then give him pocket money for everything else....sometimes getting everything you want leads to expecting everything you want He doesnt get pocket money per se, because he does bugger all. Hes very good generally, and asks for reasonable things, and we give them to him. If he behaves badly, he loses out.
3)don't keep chocolate/crisps in the house...if he wants it, he takes himself off to the shop and buys it. I dont. Gran sends it. It drives me nuts.
4)don't 'ferry' the kids places. Use and paying for public transport will help increase their independance, timekeeping and organiational skills. Unless you are going there yourself, or its too late for public transport, they sort it themselves. Unfortunately, we live miles from anywhere, and there are no buses. We live on a busy road, there arent even pavements.

1)cook one family meal, if he doesnt eat it, tough. I do. Not getting chocolate is part of the 'tough'
2)provide essentials for him, eg, toiletries, busfare for school, and then give him pocket money for everything else....sometimes getting everything you want leads to expecting everything you want He doesnt get pocket money per se, because he does bugger all. Hes very good generally, and asks for reasonable things, and we give them to him. If he behaves badly, he loses out.
3)don't keep chocolate/crisps in the house...if he wants it, he takes himself off to the shop and buys it. I dont. Gran sends it. It drives me nuts.
4)don't 'ferry' the kids places. Use and paying for public transport will help increase their independance, timekeeping and organiational skills. Unless you are going there yourself, or its too late for public transport, they sort it themselves. Unfortunately, we live miles from anywhere, and there are no buses. We live on a busy road, there arent even pavements.

Saggy, I am glad you feel a little bit more positive. This parenting lark is hard isn't it.

It is difficult when you live miles from anywhere (we live in a village) and there are buses (not every 10 mins, more like every hour) but they cost a fortune, so I have to take mine everywhere and pick them up.

Could you speak to gran and ask her not to send the treats? (at least for a while anyway).

How about making a veg lasagne once a week? I always use skimmed milk for the white sauce and low fat mozzarella. Or even if you carry on doing a meat one, could still use the low fat milk and cheese.

My 14 yr old DS gets £10 per month pocket money. To be fair he does save it mostly and then when we go in town he will ask how much he has got (i put it in an account for him) and he will buy a stack of DVDs. He does have to buy his £10 phone top up out of this too though. We buy all his toiletries, clothes etc. He has to unload/reload the dishwasher every evening.

Just to add- I'm not sure you're right about the pocket money thing. You're still giving him money,but you're making the decisions about it based on his behaviour. I would give him some money every week and make it very clear what it has to cover and not give him any more.

Oh, and I'm not stalking, honestly, but I think you've got horses, haven't you? We have one horsy child and one non- horsey. And because horses take up soooooooooooooo much time we have to be very careful that the non- horsy one doesn't feel left out or like a sort of add on to the whole horse thing. Maybe worth thinking about?

Attitude towards you is very poor and needs addressing.

As for the food thing, I just wanted to say it's not necessarily a lost cause. At his age, I had to cook for myself (single dad household, dad out at work) which meant frozen pizzas, waffles, chicksticks and beans and pasta and Ragu. Moved away to uni and extended my repetoire to include chicken and stir in sauces and a proper spag bol.

I had a no veg rule too, but realised this is just silly. I worked out that while the classic boil-it-until-it-has-no-taste of my childhood was not for me, there were lots of veg out there to be cooked in many different ways but didn't discover this until between 27 and 30 and I realised I love root veg, aubergines, red cabbage as long as it's braised or something, carrots (only when roasted) roasted peppers and last week, I ATE A PEA. I know brave
If I only ate at home I'd probably still be a twat fussy about it, but eating out with other people and being weird about food is just embarassing.

I am still funny about fish though (fishfingers and fishcakes only).

I'm no expert on teenagers (who is?), but I do remember being given an "allowance" of £40 a month at that age to buy my make-up, clothes, CDS, cinema tickets etc with. It made me feel as if my parents trusted me to make my own decisions. Of course if I needed something expensive (new winter coat/boots for example), my mum would pay for that, but we'd go shopping together & it would feel like a treat IYSWIM? It meant I didn't feel entitled to anything & everything, just what my £40 could buy me!

I'm glad things are improving & good luck.

Saggy, you live miles from anywhere, if he's get a job how would he get to and from work. Would you ferry him for that?

Yes. I've told him I'll take him anywhere he wants to go. That's a trade off for him not having a moped.
That's his latest thing. I get it every five minutes. Apart from the fact that we live on an incredibly dangerous road, he doesn't have the money to buy one, let alone run it, and he has the balance, coordination and sPatial awareness of a blind and drunk person. Cap that with my college boyfriend being knocked off his bike and killed by a lorry, and he has not a hope in hell. So I happily take him where he wants to go.

All teenagers nag at some point. We have the same moped debate at the moment and did with all of them and the answer will always be no. Being rude to you is not acceptable in my book and deserves an immediate apology. If he likes pizza why not teach him how to make a healthy one ? Ask him to help you cook so that he is involved in the kitchen. Choose your battles, teenagers are like toddlers. Above all keep the channels of communication open but dont be walked over or talked down to. In a few years he will be off on his own and he will need all the skills that you can teach him.

Do you think he could feel isolated and too reliant on you? And that's making him rebel more?

About the food issue. If you make a family size lasagne, you could make more of the sauces and put together a few individual sized ones for him to go in the freezer. Lasagne isn't that bad for you, all recipes have tomato and onion, and then variations with mushroom, celery, or carrot. If you're having something else you can stick one of those in the oven at the same time.

Pizza with a salad is ok too. Pizza with chips not so good. If you're buying them in, the chicago town ones are two small ones for under £2. You can get the bigger ones from £1 in Iceland.

So you could give him pizza or lasagne with whatever veg/salad you're having and leave it at that.

I'd try to feed him what he wants to eat. Don't let that be one of the battles for now and focus on the other issues such as his attitude and insults.

That's a good idea about making his own pizza. A pack of pizza bases in the freezer, a jar of pizza sauce in the fridge. Then let him put together his own with whatever you have in.

You could also get him to help making the extra lasagnes for himself to go in the freezer. 'If you want lasagne more often then you can help make it'.

What meals do you cook that he won't eat?

think once ur talking to him and he's taking part reasonably thats main thing.. I'd be on lines of I'll cook one dinner and if you don't eat it then thats it - obv wouldn't deliberately make dinners that he really hated tho!I wouldn't accept language he used to you but I agree with posters above I'd let him go to scouts thing - but there would be some payback for that language - actually now given that ur talking maybe I'd leave it until it happened again..

Saggy my sympathies....having a fussy kid is no fun although my DS is only he and is marginally better than your DS but not a lot. He will only eat chicken if it is covered in breadcrumbs but he does eat loads of fruit and veg etc so I am chilling a bit about it.

I would be more worried about your sons attitude to you to be honest........if my DS called me a shit mother and more he would be severly punished. I dont agree at all that you are too controlling and he is rebelling, what a load of cock!!! No way should kids talk to their parents like that...I would be taking back those hiking boots and trousers, cancelling his day out and that would just be for starters. If you dont nip it in the bud now he is gonna be one of those nightmare kids you see on "Young, dumb and living off mum" - that programme scares the crap outta me.

He will be going on his trip. I love him.

Of course you love him.....and he knows you will let him go on the trip...thats why he talks to you like a lump of shit. I love my DS more than anything in the world but he has to treat me with the respect I deserve. It does them no favours letting them get away with unacceptable behavior - your DS will grow into a far nicer adult if you nip it in the bud now.

Yes Mary I agree you have to pick your battles so to speak which is why I am much more chilled about the food issue than I used to be. I remember when DS was much younger I would sit with him at the table, blood pressure at boiling point trying to persuade him to eat 5 more peas!!! Bloody ridiculous when I look back now

However, I will not tolerate rudeness - that, I cannot abide! We do so much for our kids these days, the least they can do is show us some respect.

i would forget about the food issue. Cook a meal. If he doesn't eat it, tough. But I really don't think you can leave the abuse. He's 15- he really can't go on thinking he can call a woman a fat ugly greedy bitch. What would you say if heard he'd said that to a girlfriend? Exactly. So why do you put up with it? I would say no trip. It has to be something he'll notice

Give him some money every week. Don't buy him stuff unless he gives you the money.Drive him where he needs to go if he gives you notice and asks nicely.Under no circumstances respond any way to abuse.

Have you considered that your cooking is crap? My Mum's was.

Have you tried to involve him in what the family is eating? Making a meal plan? Or getting him to cook for the family one night a week?

Alternatively give him £20 a week and tell him to feed himself.

If he is 15 he is old enough to know what he does and doesnt like. You wouldn't eat something you don't like, so why should he?

Will people stop trying to make this the OP's fault? I doesn't matter if she's the worst cook in the world, that dos not excuse the abuse her son throws at her.

Swap dp for ds and consider your response.

No! I havent considered that my cooking is crap!
Spending 2 years at catering college and passing my exams with distinction helps with that!
I have tried to include him in the planning/cooking. Its hard to cook when you ar attached to an x box control pad!
If I had £20 a week, Id give it to him. But I dont.