to be absolutely sick to death of my DCs and really, really wish I never had them?

[Losinit]

DCs are 13(DD), 10(DS), 8(DS) and 2(DD). The older ones totally ignore me and I have to repeat myself again and again until I shout and feel like I am going to burst a blood vessel. It not that I can let it go either - this is got stuff like going to bed, getting up for school, getting school stuff together, getting shoes on, getting in car etc. I was never a horrible aggressive person like this and I swear everyday will be different but it is always the same. They will continue talking to each other while I am talking to them.

I actually just whacked the DSs as I asked one of them literally 6 times to do something for me as we were in a rush to go out and he would not do it. The other one was hiding in the clean ironed washing on my bed wearing the muddy trousers and jumper I had told him to take off. He thought it would be a great laugh to jump out on me while getting mud all over the place and screwing up the clothes. I did'nt! Now feel like shit of course and I know it won't make a blind bit of difference.

Everything is a bloody battle. They are rude, embarrass me in public with their arging and fighting, tell me the food I cook is disgusting, throw packets, wrappers and half eaten sweets behind the sofa and tv, leave the bathroom and toilets in a mess (I have been making them help with cleaning but again I have to shout and shout to make them do it). The oldest has been getting into trouble at school for being disruptive and my 10 year old is being assessed for possible ADHD again after long term behaviour problems. The stress has been exhausting.

Punishments do not make any difference to their behaviour either. I cannot understand where I went wrong with them. I am an intelligent person, show them a lot of love, have taught them right from wrong and try to do fun things with them.

We have had discussions about how their behaviour needs to improve because they are upsetting me but they really don't give a shit. I have always put myself last since I became a mother and always tried to make the DCs lives happy and I am now sick of getting no respect or consideration. The 2 year old is what is keeping me going at the moment I am sorry to say.

I am so BU I know but I really feel like buggering off and leaving DH to it. He is more 'together' than me and I feel like I am only screwing them up more. I probably am depressed but I defy anyone to live with them and not be. I sometimes wish we could be filmed so I can really see where I am going wrong.

lesley33, I know you are right but mine seem to be so immature and would never in a million years take control of dressing, homework etc. Being twins they bounce off each other all the time and separating them to do homework is the only answer but unfortunately I still need to referee.

Well I have contacted the health visiting team (have not seen anyone since DC4 had the 8 month check and always see someone different). Was a bit worried about saying that I needed help - she took the names and ages of all the DCs and asked what schools they go to. Am a bit paranoid that they will contact the schools and tell them that I can't cope. Don't know why .

She said she would ring round and get back to me so hopefully something will come out of it.

Really excellent advice on this thread. Got to school this AM in plenty of time and I did not shout at all I don't think. DS1 forgot his homework book (after I had told him to put it in his bag 10 times) with the homework I had labouriously helped him do for an hour that had to be in today. So instead of taking it up to the school, I rang them and told them that maybe he should be kept in at playtime as punishment!

Glad losinit that things are getting better!

jajas - How old are your children? I ask because sometimes I think DC can be immature because they are never given responsibility for anything. Its kind of a chicken and egg thing. And I do think most DC are more capable than they let on to their parents.

Losinit - She probably asked about schools to check if these schools are running any parenting programmes/support. Although it feels to you like you are not coping, it really doesn't sound like there is anything major going wrong, so try not to worry that HV will be on to schools to check if you are not coping.

HV would only do this if there were child protection issues, which there clearly aren't e.g. if you had said the only way I can get them to do anything is by whacking them. Those are the kind of things she would check out.

i have no advice i just wanna give you a hug x

lesley, they are 9 years old but were 10 weeks premature and so probably a bit behind still. They are very immature compared to many children their age and one of them still has some mild learning difficulties.

losinit, glad to hear this morning went a bit better - onwards and upwards!

Get them to help you more. One can do dishwasher one can set table blah blah stop being the slave empower them.
If they arent dress leave with them undressed you must carry through with a threat otherwsise its meaningless.
Dont shout (says me the saint) low stern voice repeated several times.
Children dont listen sometimes its not personal they just tune us out. Ask them to repeat back to you waht you have just said.
Reward and praise them constantly its so obvious but really hard if you start getting into a negative spiral and you end up feeling shit for being such a tyrant.
I have twin boys and a girl and I get them dressed before breakfast as they more likely to speed up if they are hungry.

jajas - I personally think you need to give them some responsibility, You can do it in stages. For example, get them up but tell them they have to get dressed and downstairs for breakfast by X time. Then we will leave for school at Y time.

If they are not ready for breakfast, make sure they get dressed and take them to school. Missing breakfast won't hurt tem and it will reinforce the message that you need to get dressed yourself by X time and down for breakfast.

To help them you can have a clock in their bedroom and explain clearly using this what time they need to be down for breakfast and what time you leave.

They may be immature because they aren't given any responsibility.

True enough, I rely on a lift to take them to school though so I feel doubly pressurised to get them out on time (making excuses here I know ).

There is so much really good, practical advice on this thread- thank you all who have contributed!

Losinit- I hope things are looking a little more positive for you now

daisysteiner- do you think the teen HTT would work on a 5yo who thinks she's an adult?

Bored policeman - I love it. All such great advice.

The thing to remember is that if you keep doing what you've always done you'll keep getting the same results. It sounds like you're really ready to make changes and there are some fabulous ideas here for you to put into practice.

One idea from the How To Talk book that might help is getting the kids involved in some of the rule changes. For example sit down as a family and brainstorm how to make the mornings run a bit more smoothly, obviously with you guiding it. There's lots of ideas in the book and I really recommend it.

I only have a toddler so can't pretend to know much about teenagers but I agree with others about remaining calm, I think children know that once you shout you've lost control. I have become very good at projecting an air of calm even when I'm mad, a good deep breath and counting to ten does really help! Remember it takes two to argue, so if you remain calm things shouldn't escalate.

I know this is all easier said than done but practice makes perfect. If you start by pretending to feel in control eventually you really will be

I know this sounds odd... but go on strike. Continue to look after your youngest but ignore the others... my mother did this to us many years ago and it freaked us out and got us back into line very quickly. Striking works best at weekends.. no trips to friends, swimming, shopping etc.

As to getting them to school, if they are not ready in time, just round them up and take them to the car as they are, even if it is in jim jams, they will be the one who are embarrassed not you, and I doubt they will repeat it.

Captain Nancy. Seems to have helped with my 8, going on 16, year old.

Sorry I have no advice but could have written the OP myself after bawling my eyes out at DH this morning (on a period makes it soo much worse).

Loads of excellent advice on here.

It's the 'herd' instinct. They feel secure as a group. Yes, you need to tackle this and I suggest the way to do it is to get each of them on their own. Point out your concerns, their bad behaviour and seek an agreement that you expect things to improve. You need to be respected - after all you do for them.

@LatteLady your mum is AMAZING. And LOL.

Mine are like yours OP , how about we swap them for a week , because i bet you anything they will behave like angels at someone elses house , so we would both get a lovely quiet week !

I'm loving this thread! My DS is only 4 but we're running into issues with arguing, not doing as he's told, etc.

I agree with the poster who said that having good times with the children is very important. I work at a school and have been with the same group of 8/9 year olds since they started in kindergarten. I love them and they know they can always come to me for a hug, etc, and I love talking with them and helping them with their work. But they also know I will crack down hard at the first sign of bullying or disrespect to staff. And because we have a good relationship they don't want to disappoint me. :)

Now, if only it were as easy with my own DS...

I have four dc,s. Ds who is 13 next week,Dd who is nearly 12,Ds 8, and Ds 5.
The older two in particular argue and fight.I have read all the wonderful posts and the recurrent advice is to not shout.I am desperate to not shout ,but I do.If I think about where I may be going wrong ,it is this..
I take it personally when they say dreadful things and feel that I must challenge them.I feel that if I say nothing,or walk away then they feel that their behaviour is ok.
Tonight when the big two were arguing,as often happens ,I was asked why it was okay for ds 1 to say ..... Even though she had said ....,I said that it was not okay for any of it,bit I find it hard to know how to differentiate between different levels of insult ,and the best way to handle it.when I come Down on one of them,the other one says it is not fair .As I don't hear the whole thing then it is difficult.
I have tried the " not getting involved"with any of it thing ,but it escalates into much worse and I don't know what to do.Any advice???
I have turned into a shouty awful lady that I don't recognise.
I read this thread today,and felt better and picked up some great tips.
When Dd 11 came home, I opened the door,gave her a kiss and said" hello ,have you had a nice day"
To my shame she asked me what was wrong as I never said that.
She is the one who is the hardest work and difficult and I must admit that i am becoming snappy.
I tried really hard tonight and they have been fine
May I just add that when i have PMT I have a much shorter fuse.
What should I do to negotiate arguments?

OP, even though I only have two children, aged 6 and 7, I have been having days where I have felt the same lately.

I have been shouting like a fishwife, swearing, shoving, and all kinds of horrific things that I know would look bloody awful to an outsider... but when I've calmly asked them to do something five times, and have then warned them too that I am going to start shouting ... well then the red mist takes over.

I'm getting down about this, wondering where the hell I'm going wrong, wondering if it's my aggressive anger which is feeding my dd's rudeness... yeah I think I know where you're coming from. Good advice on this thread.

And breathe

My DS is only 8 months so no great experience on that front, however, I've looked after my huge family of cousins a lot and their parents have always commented on the fact that their kids listen to me far more than they listen to them. I wondered why so I had a think about it and it seems to be because I am bloody relentless If I want something doing I want it done right now, no argument no stalling. I've seen parents sort of half heartedly ask for something and then negotiate - what a bloody faff! You as the parent are the boss and arguing and negotiating are not on the agenda. Reasonable things like finishing food or putting on shoes are fine but any other stalling tactics are not on.

So my only advice is this - if you are asking a child to do something, get their attention first. Get them to look at you, preferably in the eye. Don't whinge or talk to their back - that's annoying for the child and very disrespectful. Talk to them clearly and without emotion - if you're immediately defensive and expecting a bad reaction the child will sense this and react themselves. Ask nicely and calmly but in a way that gives a very clear message that you mean what you say. Ask the child if they understand. Wait for an answer. If there is no answer ask nicely if you need them to repeat it. Listen to any excuse or stalling that might be employed but unless it's reasonable don't allow it. Just repeat that you want that job or whatever done now, thank you and the stalling thing can be done later. If they respond well then praise and a big thank you is in order. Following commands isn't easy and you need to acknowledge that.

Oh and to add I learned most of this from my mum who never ever shouted. Ever.