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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be absolutely sick to death of my DCs and really, really wish I never had them?

130 replies

Losinit · 20/09/2011 19:09

DCs are 13(DD), 10(DS), 8(DS) and 2(DD). The older ones totally ignore me and I have to repeat myself again and again until I shout and feel like I am going to burst a blood vessel. It not that I can let it go either - this is got stuff like going to bed, getting up for school, getting school stuff together, getting shoes on, getting in car etc. I was never a horrible aggressive person like this and I swear everyday will be different but it is always the same. They will continue talking to each other while I am talking to them.

I actually just whacked the DSs as I asked one of them literally 6 times to do something for me as we were in a rush to go out and he would not do it. The other one was hiding in the clean ironed washing on my bed wearing the muddy trousers and jumper I had told him to take off. He thought it would be a great laugh to jump out on me while getting mud all over the place and screwing up the clothes. I did'nt! Now feel like shit of course and I know it won't make a blind bit of difference.

Everything is a bloody battle. They are rude, embarrass me in public with their arging and fighting, tell me the food I cook is disgusting, throw packets, wrappers and half eaten sweets behind the sofa and tv, leave the bathroom and toilets in a mess (I have been making them help with cleaning but again I have to shout and shout to make them do it). The oldest has been getting into trouble at school for being disruptive and my 10 year old is being assessed for possible ADHD again after long term behaviour problems. The stress has been exhausting.

Punishments do not make any difference to their behaviour either. I cannot understand where I went wrong with them. I am an intelligent person, show them a lot of love, have taught them right from wrong and try to do fun things with them.

We have had discussions about how their behaviour needs to improve because they are upsetting me but they really don't give a shit. I have always put myself last since I became a mother and always tried to make the DCs lives happy and I am now sick of getting no respect or consideration. The 2 year old is what is keeping me going at the moment I am sorry to say.

I am so BU I know but I really feel like buggering off and leaving DH to it. He is more 'together' than me and I feel like I am only screwing them up more. I probably am depressed but I defy anyone to live with them and not be. I sometimes wish we could be filmed so I can really see where I am going wrong.

OP posts:
droves · 20/09/2011 21:43

Two of our children have SN ...ds3 has adhd and dd4 has autism and global development delays....

Shouting /raised voices at these children will make their behaviours worsen. It can make a naughty child into a meltdown suffering child , diversion tactics work to distract from naughty behaviour.

Calm voice can work wonders.

Both will respond to firm but gentle guidence/instuctions.
Both often behave worse if routeen is broken.

Routeens are comforting to both asd and adhd kids...they can make the difference between a good day and a bad day.

OP i know you have no diagnosis for your son , but you should pop over to SN boards , because they really are the best place to ask about how to handle challenging behaviours from your wee boy....Smile

hairylights · 20/09/2011 22:15

You need to get some books on hiw teenagers brains work.

"parents, teens and boundaries" is one I found really useful when my (now delightful) dsd became a teenager.

amicissima · 20/09/2011 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoffinMum · 20/09/2011 22:39

Very wise words there.

stella1w · 20/09/2011 22:51

try reading "setting limits for your strongwilled child" or "how to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk" (one key gem I got from that is you can only be a bit nicer than you actually feel - and often I get most frustrated when I am trying to be understanding).
was just talking today with a friend and we agreed that children of today are far more confident than we ever were.. they will reason, and argue and debate and it's exhausting. My 3 year old does it to me..

ReadRideABikeSwim · 20/09/2011 22:56

amicissima wow - i will be taking your advice with my teenagers tomorrow!

ledkr · 20/09/2011 22:57

Had 3 teen boys at one time-grown up now but if i recall.
No tv/pc if didnt leave house on time.
Pocket money dependent on leaving house on time. That helped.
With dd1 now 9 i do the same but last year i let her be late a few times and refused to help her go thru the late procedure at school as i was heavily pg.I had pre warned the teacher.She had to sign in with the stern receptionist and walk into assembly late whilst everyone stared.
She hated it and now is never late.
It bloody hard and im not looking forward to the teen yrs with dd at all,tbh i couldnt actually wait for mine to leave home once they had finished education Grin

ReadRideABikeSwim · 20/09/2011 23:13

ledkr Wink I was naive ...i thought i would love the teen stage Confused

Original poster
Losinit · 20/09/2011 23:35

More excellent ideas. So glad I posted this! I was expecting to be told to stop being pathetic and I should count my blessings, which I do, WHEN they are all asleep in bed Grin. I had the 'how to talk so they will listen' book a few years back. Did'nt really read it at the time. Good intentions amounted to nothing again. I will dig it out though and read it this time.

Tomorrow WILL be a new start. Parenting classes will definitely be sorted somehow.

I will not shout, I will not shout

OP posts:
chickydoo · 20/09/2011 23:43

TELL (not ask) your DH you HAVE to have a break or you will "go under"
plan something for you alone within your budget, your DH will have to take time off to organise kids. If he says no, do it anyway. Tell kids they have made you exhausted, and you need a break from them, be honest, let them see how low they have made you feel. Go away, enjoy, relax. Come home, see how much they really appreciate you. Do this once a year for a few days....I've tried it, it works.

Original poster
Losinit · 20/09/2011 23:47

Oh and they definitely can sense that I am a pushover. It's like they can smell my weakness and they know no matter how much I shout, they will get and do what they want. They definitely zone out too. I was discussing this with DH the other day.

I think maybe I try too hard. I want them to go to school with clean clothes, smelling nice with unscuffed shoes, without forgetting anything, homework done and on time, to eat nutritious food, have plenty of exercise, read/draw instead of vegging out in front of the TV/Wii and to be nice to each other and me/DH. I also want to live in a calm, clean tidy house and have pleasant outings together without fights breaking out in the car/in public (yes DD1 all of us, together no matter how embarassing we are to you). I think I am trying to achieve the impossible. Standards will have to be lowered for the sake of my sanity.

OP posts:
Original poster
Losinit · 20/09/2011 23:50

I would love time out! My 40th Shock birthday soon - spa day for me.

OP posts:
CheerfulYank · 20/09/2011 23:54

Oh honey!

I have to run but I just wanted to mark my place and offer support. I think a lot of parents feel like this from time to time- maybe all!

Have a hug, even though it's not the "done" thing around these parts. Wink

chickydoo · 20/09/2011 23:54

Enjoy your spa day, and tell your kids for your pressie, they can Tidy the house.
ENJOY :)

eToTheiPi · 21/09/2011 00:22

I know I'm repeating but never shout at teenagers, they'll only shout louder and it always escalates. Speak to one at a time, not as a group and always calmly, quietly and if needed, with menace! You won't stumble over your words then as you can do when you shout. Keep all emotion out of your voice. Say "I don't like that behaviour" or "that is unacceptable" etc. I have taught challenging teens for many years and was known as "the scary one"! I never shouted and ironically the toughest kids in the school always wanted to be in my class! If I was tired and ratty, I could tell the difference, so I did the "Fake it till you make it" it uses less energy (honestly)!

Also use toddler training on them as well, reward charts, stickers etc. I had 18 year old A level students improve their homework in order to get a sticker!

You actually have an advantage, you change your behaviour overnight and the poor souls won't know what's hit them! You may have a couple of days respite before they even think about challenging you. Remember say your piece once and very quietly (not timidly) so they have to strain to hear you, if they ask you to repeat it, they must do so respectfully and politely (insist on please and thank you, pretend not to hear otherwise).
One other thing, do not under any circumstances, punish them all for one child's misbehaviour, they will gang up on you. Firm but fair, firm but fair...
Good luck!

JLK2 · 21/09/2011 02:12

Did you not realise this before you had 4 kids?

CheerfulYank · 21/09/2011 04:46

Wow, JLK...how supportive and helpful. Hmm

LoremIpsum · 21/09/2011 06:16

Amicissima is very wise to pick up on the putting yourself last thing. You shape the family and you've put yourself at the bottom of the structure. Changing that will help.

The other thing that stands out is that as well as putting yourself last, you've always tried to make sure they're happy. If arseing around, doing their own thing and ignoring you makes them happy, then that's what they'll do. Shift the focus to one where your priority is on the happiness of the whole family, including you and your DH.

You can do it, you're not failing, you've just got a bit lost for a while, happens to everyone at some point. Reclaim your place and just ignore the fallout for a while, once the dust settles you'll all be happier.

ledkr · 21/09/2011 06:21

JLK ANY NEED????

CheerfulYank · 21/09/2011 06:36
clappyhands · 21/09/2011 06:38

aaaahhhhh there is always one - thanks JLK2 for your thoughtful insightHmm

some great advice on this that i am storing up for the future (all under 6 in this house :) )

coccyx · 21/09/2011 06:55

oh go away jlk

Scootergrrrl · 21/09/2011 06:57

Try the bored policeman approach to getting things done. Imagine yourself as a bored, basically kind policeman in charge of getting a group of rowdy football fans to the match or whatever. Keep repeating yourself but don't shout, don't get angry just get what needs to be done done.

And definitely second letting them be late and get into trouble at school!

vicarlady · 21/09/2011 07:30

"I have always put myself last "

As others have said, a telling phrase. In truth we do all make sacrifices for our children but maintaining our own self respect is I think crucial. No need to present oneself as a martyr or a doormat! The health and well being of parents is important for the welfare of the whole family.

Having said that, I brought up four children and there were some pretty stressful times - the teenage years were very challenging. They are now in their late 20s and 30s and have a good relationship with me and with each other. And we chuckle at some of the things that seemed so awful at the time. It will pass, you will get through it. With hind sight I think there were times when I tried too hard and times when I could have handled things differently, but we are all human and perfection is impossible

By the way, a side issue - but am I the only person who hates the term 'kids'?

BoffinMum · 21/09/2011 07:59

Yeah, like you get a trial run first with all four at full throttle first so you can make an informed choice, jlk.