to be absolutely sick to death of my DCs and really, really wish I never had them?

[Losinit]

DCs are 13(DD), 10(DS), 8(DS) and 2(DD). The older ones totally ignore me and I have to repeat myself again and again until I shout and feel like I am going to burst a blood vessel. It not that I can let it go either - this is got stuff like going to bed, getting up for school, getting school stuff together, getting shoes on, getting in car etc. I was never a horrible aggressive person like this and I swear everyday will be different but it is always the same. They will continue talking to each other while I am talking to them.

I actually just whacked the DSs as I asked one of them literally 6 times to do something for me as we were in a rush to go out and he would not do it. The other one was hiding in the clean ironed washing on my bed wearing the muddy trousers and jumper I had told him to take off. He thought it would be a great laugh to jump out on me while getting mud all over the place and screwing up the clothes. I did'nt! Now feel like shit of course and I know it won't make a blind bit of difference.

Everything is a bloody battle. They are rude, embarrass me in public with their arging and fighting, tell me the food I cook is disgusting, throw packets, wrappers and half eaten sweets behind the sofa and tv, leave the bathroom and toilets in a mess (I have been making them help with cleaning but again I have to shout and shout to make them do it). The oldest has been getting into trouble at school for being disruptive and my 10 year old is being assessed for possible ADHD again after long term behaviour problems. The stress has been exhausting.

Punishments do not make any difference to their behaviour either. I cannot understand where I went wrong with them. I am an intelligent person, show them a lot of love, have taught them right from wrong and try to do fun things with them.

We have had discussions about how their behaviour needs to improve because they are upsetting me but they really don't give a shit. I have always put myself last since I became a mother and always tried to make the DCs lives happy and I am now sick of getting no respect or consideration. The 2 year old is what is keeping me going at the moment I am sorry to say.

I am so BU I know but I really feel like buggering off and leaving DH to it. He is more 'together' than me and I feel like I am only screwing them up more. I probably am depressed but I defy anyone to live with them and not be. I sometimes wish we could be filmed so I can really see where I am going wrong.

I don't have teenagers, mine are pre-school. however, it sounds like YANBU at all!!

I would buy a super nanny time book and look to solutions.

Do you have to take them to school? Could you give the older two some of their own responsibility and get them to get themselves there? As I say, I dont have older kids so this may be inappropriate? Is the school far? Maybe they would rush more if it was on their time schedule?

Definately make them work for pocket money and stop some after school activities? Is the larking/messing about because they need more time at home, which could be after school instead of in the mornings?

And yep, making them get up earlier sounds good to me. Change the clocks - put them all forward by 10 mins? for a trial period?

I dont know, sorry

Go back to basics. If they moan about the food, pick it up and bin it. NO food in the lounge. Make shit easy for you.

Is there other stuff going on?

maybe at the weekend they could take some responsibility for cooking? something simple, but they may learn to be more appreciative??

Saying that my 3 year old tells me if she "hates" it!

I would sit down tonight and form your strategy. Hide, give to a friend, all TVs, PCS etc. Explain to school that all homework will have to be written and researched at lunch time.

Come down hard. You can ease up.

Set the alarm clock for 6.30am. Make it loud. Mean every word, do not buckle.

i am on a parenting programme called the nuturing programme.

it's only been 2 weeks and atm we are learning about Praise. The idea is to praise everyone in the family at least once a day, for being ( like DD you have a lovely smile) and for doing ( even if it is small like taking there own dinner plate out) It also says what kind of praise you give and does one child get more recognition than the other.

it is helping already as i know i not the only mum out there who children are out of control iygwim

Pickle....I would struggle with praise some days...

Well done DS1 for breathing, well DS2 for not screaming so it hurt my ears today!!

Honestly tell them what time you are setting off in the car and then leave without them. You may well only have to do it once!

I remember it being tough with mine especially DD2 when she hit about 9/10, we went back to basics with her ignoring the little things clamping down on major things but giving lots of praise for everything she did well it took time but she came through it in the end. You and your DC's will come through it.

Could they be sneaking tv/ computer when is banned? My Dad use to cut the plug of my tv so I couldn't watch it when banned. Do you have any support from your DM or MIL?

One of my biggest problems is my 10 year old DS - god love him. He has always been problematic and very difficult to deal with/discipline. He winds the older and younger one up. Name calling, arguing, annoying, bouncing round the room. He displays hyperactive and mildly autistic traits and has been diagnosed with a learning difficulty (although we don't know what that is yet ). He is also very arrogant and argumentative with me and DH.

We are at a loss with him really and are awaiting further assessments. The others have probably suffered as a result.

Seriously stop nagging them in the morning.

I had that for years with dd till one morning I jst dumped stuff on her bed and said she was resoonsible for herself..... Such a revelation. (she has ASD too )

Same goes for schoolie stuff, they don't do it ? Meh, they face the consequences.

Also in our hoyse tv is allowd on when theyre both ready, sticks a bullet up their backside

OP - you are so brave to say out loud (well write it on MN!) what a lot of us feel at least sometimes!

I think the first step is to get some space and perspective. See if you can have a day or two away from everything (spa weekend? ) to get to a calmer base IYSWIM.

Do like Supernanny does, and agree some pretty strict rules with your DH. Write them down and explain them to the DCs. Stick to the rules if its the last thing you ever do!

I also think the spiral of stress can negatively effect the DCs as well, so as well as the rules, perhaps you can do something fun as well.

I really feel for you OP and can totally relate. Its a crappy situation, but its not undo-able.

OP you have my sympathy.
Mine used to whinge about the food I had spent ages preparing given them and I got utterly fed up with it. Then one day after a particularly bad moaning session I blew my top and grabbed their food off the table and threw everything into the garden (all plastic plates thankfully). Not a good role model I know but it seemed to work!! They hardly complained after that (and still talk about it some years later). Of course I'm not suggesting that you do this, merely that I understand how you feel and that you are not alone in feeling fed up and exhausted by all the bickering and shouting.

Hope that the suggestions others have given work for you.

Calling the older ones 'the buggers' did make me laugh!

My granny always used to tell me that my mum and her three sisters, were the devil incarnate as children/ teenagers, and ran riot. Oh, the embarrassment they caused. My grandad who was a larger than life character worked long hours, and it was left to granny to raise them. My gran, is the sweetest most gentle lady who ever lived, and my mum and her sisters are all very strong characters (like their father), and ran all over darling Granny.

Mum and aunts always say that they brought themselves up, as my lovely Granny had no backbone, and was useless at everything. Okay, I'm pretty sure you are not like my dear granny, and your children cannot possibly be as bad my mum and aunts, or disrespectful. They are all in their 50s now.

Anyway, my dear Gran, must have done something right, as my devilish mum and aunts have all been terribly successful (by hook or by crook) in life.

No advice, as I'm just starting out as a mother. Go with your instincts....?

I am a shouter sometimes, but read a book about Positive reinforcement, which helped a lot.
Add to that negative reinforcement (see Apocolypse above) and that should help.
You sound like you feel like you have lost control of them completely, so maybe one solution is to try having LESS control of them, and get them to have control of themselves.
No shoes on in time? Fine, they get taken to school shoeless.
Ask once; explain consequences if not complied with, carry out consequence.
Calm, calm, calm.
If what you are doing now doesn't work , do something completely different.
Good luck, it must be really hard.

Extra ideas.

1. Fish oil for 10-year-old which can take the edge off ADHD sometimes. The Equazen IQ one works best for many people for some mysterious reason, which is annoying as it's the most expensive. It takes two weeks to work.

1. If they aren't ready for school at the time you want them to be, make them get there by themselves on the bus.

1. Give them this schedule and make them stick to it.

austerityhousekeeping.wordpress.com/2011/07/13/morning-has-broken/

1. Get a neighbour or extended family member to take them off your hands for a bit to give you a break.

ok this is what i do ....

1. Complaints about food ive cooked ...ignore first time ....second time ..take meal scrape in bin , ban child who complained from helping themself to food.

2. piles of washing ....put in cupboard , until can be sorted ...never ever leave clean laundry out with an adhd child in house ...pay children to sort/ put away .

3. pocket money .... dont just give it make the little darlings earn it by doing jobs around the house ...set amount per job until the weekly amount is earned

4. fine the pocket money for not doing set tasks , or eating meals cooked. Over the set amount a week ....start grounding , removing priviledges for that week.

5. Never ever whack/hit. seldom raise your voice. There is more power and less likelyhood of being ignored if you actually speak in a quieter , lower pitched , firm voice. They will listen more to what you are saying. If you shout and scream then kids dont "hear" what you say , just that your making a noise. Be firm ....as in keep to what you want to tell them and do not deviate or over explain...if you have to repeat yourself 20x then do it ...but dont give in.

6. If given the usual teenage/older child response of being verbally horrible when you tell them off /to do something

sorry * " it is not my job to make you like me .

lol

loads of good advice. My tuppence worth is make a decision what you are going to do and then damn well stick at it for at least two weeks.

A mixture of rewards and punishment.

When doleling out the punishment have a system that involves a warning and then very calming explain that they have ignored the warning and follow through with whatever it is.

ps for the mornings make sure all the bits you have to do (if any) like ironing/lunches is sorted. Tell them that you will be in the car at 8am and just wait no shouting no I told you so... it;s all their problem.

ps I went on a parenting course and it changed our lives. seriously.

OK, I've got 4, so believe me I really feel your pain. Lots of people have made good suggestions, but my top tip for the shouting and nagging is 'How to talk so kids will listen' and also 'How to talk so teens will listen'. They suggest a way of talking to children which is totally alien to how I was brought up and is sometimes very, very difficult to stick to (I often don't manage it) but the more you do it, the easier it becomes and you really do see results.

My eldest ds saw me reading the teens book and asked to borrow it and I've really noticed a difference in the way he talks to both me and dh and his siblings since. I'm sure someone else can explain better how it works, but basically it's about not nagging and not telling kids what to do but behaving in a way which gets them to do things, and also about generally fostering better communication between you and thus better relationships.

Just a little tip that might help.

My mantra (and sometimes I feel like a broken record repeating it at them)

"You dont need to like it you just need to eat it"
"You dont need to like it you just need to do it"
"You dont need to like me you just need to do what I say"

and stop doing it all for them, this is particularly effective say with DD at 13. I have taken children to school in pjs when they didnt get dressed; I have removed uneaten meals and not replaced; I have made them late for school when they have sat around in the morning and not done their chores (empty dishwasher and take out recycling, doesnt take long).

They still play up like mad, and like most of us (I suspect) some days I could practically have written that post for you. But I just about keep my sanity.

Its harder with a SN child and I know little about that so others can help you more than me.

And stop blaming yourself! and get some time and space. Even if its just coming on MN.

Getting lots of tips here, thanks for the thread OP!!