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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to invite my parents for both Christmas and New Year?

33 replies

kayteedee · 20/09/2011 12:23

I'm having all my family to stay for 4-5 days over New Year as my younger brother is returning for a visit with his family after several years abroad - there'll be 12 of us & I'm looking forward to it. My parents (who live 280 miles away) have suggested that they could come for Christmas as well, as they don't have another invitation. I find it hard to say to them you're not invited for Christmas. I would actually like to spend some of the holiday period with my DH, DS and DD without visitors. Am I being mean and selfish? What should I say to them?

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 20/09/2011 12:25

I think you are being a teeny bit unreasonable if you have a good relationship with your parents. Surely it would be nice to have your parents there and for them to be part of a family christmas.

PuspornInBoots · 20/09/2011 12:26

Get a list of nearby hotels or holiday rental properties, send it to them, and remind them they need to book up soon before everything's gone. Then they can come round for lunch/tea/visits as convienient without having to actually stay with you. Presumably they want to see their son and his family just as much as you want to see your brother. Do you have room for your parents as well? If not make this the reason for them booking accommodation.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/09/2011 12:28

I think you'd be mean not to include your parents. You say that you're having 'all of the family at Christmas'... but you're not, are you? Why would you exclude parents who have no other invitation, nor anybody else they could invite themselves as presumably, everyone else will be with you? Hmm

Davinaaddict · 20/09/2011 12:30

I don't think you're being selfish at all - we always have to go to my SIL's & we always have a great time, but sometimes I would just like it to be the 3 of us cos it's always such a lively day!

Not sure what you should say though....depends on your relationship. You could either just explain how you feel to them, or (what I would do if my parents decided they would invite themselves when I didn't want them to come Grin) you could fake plans with friends that miraculously fall through on the day! This means they won't have time to come too early. Good luck!

Callisto · 20/09/2011 12:32

Hang on, you are having them to stay for New Year and they want to come for Xmas as well. You would like to spend some time with just your immediate family before the frenzy that will be entertaining your extended family for New Year.

Nope, I can't see that you're being unreasonable. Just tell them that you and DH really need some family time and that you're really looking forward to seeing them at New Year.

Original poster
kayteedee · 20/09/2011 12:33

They are definitely going to be part of the big New Year get together with brothers & families, all staying with me. It's the extra time of them arriving before Xmas and staying through to NY and beyond which is making me feel a bit faint...

OP posts:
meravigliosa · 20/09/2011 12:34

Lying OP said she was having all the family at New Year, not Christmas. The parents have tried to invite themselves for Christmas as well, if I understand correctly. Personally I think it is more than enough to be doing the entertaining at one of these festivals -- a bit of a strain to be the main provider for both.

scaryteacher · 20/09/2011 12:35

I wish people would read the OP carefully!

Agree with Callisto - if you are having 12 people including your parents over New Year, then you'll need Christmas to be quiet to get your strength up, and everything sorted.

Diamondsareagirls · 20/09/2011 12:38

Ooh this is a tough one. I am completely with you that having them all over for both Christmas and New Year is too much and it is so nice to have the quality time with your DCs at Christmas. Maybe just say to them that this year you wanted to make the most of the day with your little family but allow them to come a few days after?

HidingInTheUndergrowth · 20/09/2011 12:38

YANBU

You are allowed to spend Christmas alone with your DP and DD if you wish. You can either just tell your parents that you are spending christmas alone or you could say you are gong to be out at a friends or something and then hide.

Me and DP have a rota which goes 1 year his family, 1 year my family, 1 year just us at home with films, cake and port. I've told a few people about this system in the past and they all seem to collapse in a state of shock and awe that we don't get arrested or something for daring to spend christmas without hoards of family. I have to say, it is bliss :o

squeakytoy · 20/09/2011 12:39

Are parents not your immediate family then Confused... I always considered mine to be, even when I got married.

SpaghettiTwirlerAndProud · 20/09/2011 12:42

No YANBU at all. I'd love to have christmas at home just the 3 of us but we're splitting our time between my mums and DPs mums. 2 christmas dinners in one day! Ouch.

Diamondsareagirls · 20/09/2011 12:42

Hiding that is a great arrangement! Hmmm.... wonder if I can get my ILs to agree to this.....

NewChoos · 20/09/2011 12:44

YANBU

Too much to have them there for both!!

aldiwhore · 20/09/2011 12:45

YANBU. Though only you know your parents... if you could be sure this wasn't the start of a new Christmas Tradition, then if it were me I'd let them come as they're doing nothing else.

You do have to have the Christmas Chat though... I've had it with my parents, siblings and in-laws... it wasn't really a two way conversation, I just told them that I wouldn't be doing the same thing every year and at least every other year I'll want a quiet 3 day Christmas with just my immediate family (ie the one I married and the two I created!). JUST like I remember when I was a kid.

Fortunately my family understand!

aldiwhore · 20/09/2011 12:47

hidingintheundergrowth a fellow three year Christmas cycler! I am sure I could have worded that better!

We're more a 2 year one now as my FIL is always going to be here as he has Alzheimers, MIL passed away and my BIL and SIL are toxic and useless....

Being able to have a Buck's Fizz at 5.45am is bloody marvelous.

Original poster
kayteedee · 20/09/2011 12:55

In 28 years together DH & me & 3 DC have spent every Christmas with either parents or in-laws! I thought this year mine could adapt and come at NY instead...I haven't even talked about Xmas with my in-laws yet!

OP posts:
DorisIsAPinkDragon · 20/09/2011 13:02

In that case YANBU you are having a SMALL family christmas to allow you to prepare for New Year. Say it, mean it and stand your ground. Have you thought of inviting in laws for boxing day if that's at all appropriate?

Oh and tell your parents sooner rather than later. It's gets any unpleaseantness out of the way now.

2rebecca · 20/09/2011 13:53

I'd tell them that you'd like a quiet Christmas with no visitors as you are catering at new year. There are two of them so they aren't really alone at Christmas and there are places that do Christmas breaks if they really want other people around them. What do they normally do if you are at your inlaws?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/09/2011 14:02

Oops... Sorry, OP, I've just seen Merav's post.

diddl · 20/09/2011 14:06

Sounds fine to me.

Is your brother not staying with them or you have other siblings they could see if they really don´t want to be just the two of them?

SnakeOnCrack · 20/09/2011 14:09

I'd like to have my parents over at Christmas myself, but if you don't get on that well with them, then just gently tell them that you're doing just you and the kids this year. Are they far away? Could they come over on boxing day or something?

squidworth · 20/09/2011 14:14

I would lose the will to live if parents had stayed that long. I wonder if they too just want to spend time with their dc's. I suppose in years to come this will happen to most of us when are immediate family (children) create their own immediate family.

whackamole · 20/09/2011 14:15

I don't think YABU, but we were bored to tears when we specifically had a 'no visitors ' Xmas. Just us and the kids - was boring as hell and not even anyone to palm the washing up on!

notevenamousie · 20/09/2011 14:20

I don't think there is a right answer.
I've had my mum to stay for the duration (as it were!) the last couple of years (no-one else in the family would) but she had a life limiting illness and died this year, so at the time I knew it wouldn't be every year forever and I would have felt (or made myself feel) guilty at her missing out.
But I find Christmas a horrible stressful time and I wonder how much of that is me making me feel like that. I think the danger is you say they can come and spend the time resenting them, resenting yourself, and seething inside.