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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What would you do about this? DH didn't even realise he was gone

111 replies

Zoggsrus · 20/09/2011 10:12

I can't work out if this is a big deal or not
The more I think about it, the more upset I am

We had a barbecue on Sat, DH was faffing about getting the barbecue ready, and he was really stressed. We didn't have any ice, so I said I would go and get some really quickly.
He was still faffing around outside, so I just said bye, I'm going, I'm taking DS with me.

Anyway, we had to go to 2 shops for ice, and DS wanted everything in the shop, so we were about half an hour.

Came back in and DH said, oh I didn't even realise he has gone with you.

DS is nearly 4.
If I am in the house with him, I don't go for half an hour without checking on him
Also, we have a second lock on the front door, like a chain, so if DS is in the house it needs to be locked as he will try and follow me, and he hadn't locked that.

so he didn't notice his son was gone, didn't check on him for half an hour.
He thought I had gone out alone, so should have locked the door behind me

what do you think?

OP posts:

diddl · 20/09/2011 11:48

I agree that if he thought his son was with him then he should at least have locked the door.

Perhaps it would be worth pointing this out?

SunRaysthruClouds · 20/09/2011 11:51

I see two separate issues

If your 4yo can/would walk out of your front door then your house is not safe for him, and you should fix that. Most 4yos however would understand not to do that.
you have relationship issues with your H and whether or not your he should have done something is moot but you seem to be wrapping up point (1) in this as well.

AnyFucker · 20/09/2011 11:52

Have you accepted he is a wanker of the highest order ?

Wankers of that degree of wankage are very rarely redeemable unless they want to change

If he doesn't think there is an issue, you are wasting your time and are going to make yourself ill second-guessing every little thing (like this one)

Have the courage of your own convictions

Original poster

Zoggsrus · 20/09/2011 11:55

he wants to change AF, I really believe he does. But he's not.
now that's down to a lot of circumstances that are beyond his control, but in the meantime we have to get through it day to day
But he has to do it, I can't do it for him

OP posts:

Olifin · 20/09/2011 11:56

I haven't seen your other threads Zogg and I must admit that I don't find your tone argumentative at all. You sound anxious, not argumentative.

FWIW, I understand your concern and I would have felt the same. OH's remark on your return suggests that he thought DS had been left at home with him, in which case he should have moved to lock the door when you left (at which point of course, you'd have said 'no need, DS is coming with me!')

I would still check on my 6 year-old on a roughly half-hourly basis. Not in a helicopter-parenting stylee, more just coming into the house and calling up the stairs: 'everything ok?'. Even a 6 year-old will do things she knows she's probably not supposed to if she thinks mum and dad are otherwise occupied.

Anyway, YANBU in my opinion but I would move on and forget about
it and make a mental note to ensure communication was clearer next time.

Original poster

Zoggsrus · 20/09/2011 12:02

thank you olifin
DS is usually ok, but it would be things like trying to make himself cereal, just things that would be a mess.
I left him for 5 minutes the other day, and he drew all over himself, I have no idea where that came from, that's unusual.
He is at that very independent stage, wants to do everything himself.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 20/09/2011 12:04

Then why are you carrying on if he is not making any progress ?

You wishing for it very hard indeed won't make it happen, love

NormalServiceWillResumeShortly · 20/09/2011 12:09

this would be a problem in our house too.

when I go out (when anyone goes out, really), if the dc are awake and around, the top lock on the front door needs to be up. it just does. you can all say that children should know better, and yes, they should. but they tend to want to follow me, and the easiest solution is to slide the lock across after someone has left the house.

If I need to go out, but am trying to do it without dc noticing (again, issues which may be peculiar to us, but they are there), I do not want ot make a big song and dance about going, but I do expect dh to notice (I will tell him), and to come and put the lock across at some point shortly after I go (and vice versa)

so, if I went out, and then came back to a dh ho hadn't realised that the dc were with me, but the front door was unlocked, I would be cross.

I would not mind the not checking, so much, given that our house is child proofed.

but not putting the lock across? I would be cross, definitely. because it is something that is always done. and it is not good enough to say "oh he was distracted" - this is a safety situation. it is not my job to remind dh each and every time that the lock needs putting across. it is his job to remember to do something which we (and I do mean we) have agreed is necessary.

so, on that basis, I think the OP is getting a really hard time here. her dh should have checked the door.

Original poster

Zoggsrus · 20/09/2011 12:10

well there might be a slight improvement!
he's only just started counselling and we are trying to find a joint counsellor. but that is hampered by the fact that he has no time at all. he gets stressed if he has to take time off work, because he thinks it will all fall apart without him.
I look at him and he is exhausted, and worried and stressed, and is a prime candidate for a heart attack
Part of me just wants to leave, but maybe this is just a bad patch we are going through... a very long bad patch.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 20/09/2011 12:11

He sounds extremely difficult to live with, love

I would suggest that you will be the one to snap under the pressure before he does though

squidworth · 20/09/2011 12:15

My son runs away so when I leave the house without him my DP would be behind me to bolt the door, if you had left without him and without someone double locking the door you would be responsible but you didn't because you took him with you. This is just ifs and buts.

ballstoit · 20/09/2011 12:16

OK, I think it's easy enough to be more conscious in the hand over of DS, as a previous poster has described. Making sure you get a response when you're talking to DH is probably a start with that.

But there are obviously other issues, so AIBU is probably not the best place for posting. I think if you feel you are not getting the support you want in Relationships, its worth being clear with what you want. For a long time, under a previous name, I posted saying I want a listening ear, don't feel ready to take action but am going mad because I can't talk to anyone in RL. People were very supportive. If you sound like you want advice, you'll get it, as you have here. But if you just want someone to listen, there are lots of people who will, but be clear that's what you want.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 20/09/2011 12:18

Zoggsrus as a suggestion for the specific communication point only. My DH does get distracted / engrossed in tasks and won't always acknowledge what I have said to him.

If it is something important I will make sure he properly responds to what I have said (not just "hmm yes dear....") so that way I know he has taken onboard the bit of information I need him to know.

I wouldn't stress to much about this particular incident because no harm was done. I suggest you make sure he has properly heard you next time especially if you are not taking your DS with you.

ballstoit · 20/09/2011 12:21

I've just had a skim read of your other threads, and wonder if you have approached your GP about how you feel. Your DH sounds like a nob, being blunt, but you sound very down, very sad and very anxious. Whatever is going to happen (or not happen) between you and H surely you'll be better equipped to deal with it if you're on an even keel emotionally.

Feel free to ignore or argue, I won't be offended, just remember how I felt and wish I'd got help at the time.

CamperFan · 20/09/2011 12:24

I'm a bit at people suggesting that checking on a 3 year old every 30 mins is excessive. If my DS was quiet and nowhere to be seen, I would certainly be checking before 30 mins was up!

SoupDragon · 20/09/2011 12:26

Is there any suggestion that the checking is only if he is quiet?

squidworth · 20/09/2011 12:37

When I have been in a relationship that has been strained, I could get angry at the way they have breathed rather than tackle the main problem. I did make mountains out of mole hills but mainly just to avoid the big mountain that was already there.

allhailtheaubergine · 20/09/2011 12:40

Okay, I'm going to take the OP at face value (having not read any of your other threads).

In this case I think you and your husband are both at fault. You have a 3yo who has escaped from the house before, is a bolter, can unlock the door, and will try and follow mummy. Knowing this you and your husband should both be far more formal and organised about where your son is.

My own 3 yo is not a bolter or prone to escaping, and I still would not take him with me on an impromptu shopping trip as you describe with just a casual "I'm taking ds" and no reply from my husband. I would wait for my husband to say "Okay, you've got ds then" or acknowledge it in some way. And if he didn't I would lean back into the house and yell "Did you hear me? I'm taking ds" and if still no reply I would go back to my husband and tell him and make sure he knew.

Now, the reason I would do this is because my husband is pretty on the ball with our 3yo and if he assumed I had not taken ds he would be checking on ds within a few minutes of me leaving. He might very well then ignore him for the remainder of the time I was gone, if he was happily amusing himself, but you just do check on the children you're now responsible for at a shift change, don't you?

So, all in all you were at fault for not being clear about taking ds with you, and as your husband was only ignoring a hypothetical child who was not actually in the house he can't really be berated for that.

CamperFan · 20/09/2011 12:54

Quiet or not soupdragon, I would check a 3 year old that I could not see, within 30 mins. I only said "quiet" because presumably if the OPs DS was not there, then he would be pretty quiet.

thecaptaincrocfamily · 20/09/2011 13:14

TBH unless your ds is a child who runs off at every opportunity I am at having to check him every 30 mins in the house! My dd who is 3 could be upstairs longer than that playing nicely and I wouldn't check. I check if there is arguing or banging generally!

If the only way the ds could leave the house was through the garden past DH then what is to panic about?

thecaptaincrocfamily · 20/09/2011 13:18

I suppose it also depends on whether the ds is likely to destroy the house with pens, filling sinks, paint etc. I wouldn't check because mine have never been destroyers but if they had previously i.e. scribbled on a wall or ripped books, painted the carpet/ themselves I would probably want to check more often

Olifin · 20/09/2011 13:45

Blimey captaincroc, I didn't realise there were small children who didn't do those things.

In unattended moments (of far less than half an hour), my DCs have: drawn on walls, peeled off wallpaper, harrassed the cat, poured baby oil on a carpet, painted lipstick onto a mirror, spread sudocrem on carpets and towels, poured cereal onto the floor..... and about 1000 other incidents of a similar nature. And they nearly always manage to make matters worse by trying to clear up the mess themselves.

diddl · 20/09/2011 13:49

Leaving too much within reach?

backwardpossom · 20/09/2011 13:51

If you find out where you went wrong, olifin, let the rest of us know?

Olifin · 20/09/2011 13:53

Hee hee diddl. Well, that's certainly been the case sometimes.

But they're bloody crafty climbers too and if they get 10 minutes unattended, that seems to be enough time to find and move pieces of furniture on which to stand to reach forbidden objects.

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