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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do about this? DH didn't even realise he was gone

111 replies

Zoggsrus · 20/09/2011 10:12

I can't work out if this is a big deal or not
The more I think about it, the more upset I am

We had a barbecue on Sat, DH was faffing about getting the barbecue ready, and he was really stressed. We didn't have any ice, so I said I would go and get some really quickly.
He was still faffing around outside, so I just said bye, I'm going, I'm taking DS with me.

Anyway, we had to go to 2 shops for ice, and DS wanted everything in the shop, so we were about half an hour.

Came back in and DH said, oh I didn't even realise he has gone with you.

DS is nearly 4.
If I am in the house with him, I don't go for half an hour without checking on him
Also, we have a second lock on the front door, like a chain, so if DS is in the house it needs to be locked as he will try and follow me, and he hadn't locked that.

so he didn't notice his son was gone, didn't check on him for half an hour.
He thought I had gone out alone, so should have locked the door behind me

what do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
Zoggsrus · 20/09/2011 11:14

he's nearly 4, I think that makes a difference
sorry for arguing

OP posts:
mumblechum1 · 20/09/2011 11:15

OK, I think the OP has had enough of a battering now, she knows what the problems are and her part in those problems.

BelleEnd · 20/09/2011 11:15

I think you're being given an undeserved hard time on this thread. I hope you're okay.

smartyparts · 20/09/2011 11:18

I think you're being a little neurotic - sorry.

It has reminded me of recently, I took ds1 out to drop him at a friend's. I left ds2 at home with dh. About 1/2 an hour in my journey, I got a text saying, 'I take it ds2 is with you?'!!! I nearly had a heart attack.

(He was quickly discovered sitting on the loo with a book!)

ladyintheradiator · 20/09/2011 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HippyHippopotamus · 20/09/2011 11:19

zogg whenever i hand over 'control' of dcs to dh, especially if we're in a public place, we always do the hand over plane thing*. ie "i'm leaving dc1 with you" and he replies something like "i've got dc1" or something along those lines! Basically, just a simple 'yeah' doesn't count as a good enough reply, so the person leaving dc1 repeats the original statement.

*i read about it on here but can't find the exact wording, but its what pilots say to each other when they hand over control to their co-pilot

HippyHippopotamus · 20/09/2011 11:21

sorry, my post wasn't meant to be another dig at you, i was just sharing how we do it and it does seem to avoid any communication issues for us at least

AnyFucker · 20/09/2011 11:23

Zogg, I too hope you are ok

These threads are not helping you at all are they ?

Can you find some support for yourself from another quarter ie. in RL ?

niceguy2 · 20/09/2011 11:23

I think OP is getting a hard time because she's arguing back with people who rightly think she's making an issue out of nothing.

It seems what she wants is validation, not opinions. In which case, don't post on AIBU.

Zogg is being PFB and making an issue out of nothing. Nothing happened. It's like me having a moan because a car driving down the road could have knocked my child over if they had run out into the road, except he was safely elsewhere. Ie. it's all theoretical. And if you are going to worry about theoretical problems then life's going to be incredibly hard.

Original poster
Zoggsrus · 20/09/2011 11:24

thanks hippy

LITR- I don't know why this thread and my last aibu have been so argumentative.
I have just read this one back, and I just can't see it.
I just feel like I am answering questions and explaining things, it doesn't feel like I am arguing
Maybe it's just the nature of aibu

OP posts:
Springyknickersohnovicars · 20/09/2011 11:25

Zogg Maybe you might get a more positive response if you post about the underlying issues. Are you the parent who doesn't trust your husband to do right by your child and don't want him taking him to NZ or wherever if you died?

Sorry I read the threads but don't take any notice of the names, is that the one you're referring to?

Springyknickersohnovicars · 20/09/2011 11:26

I don't think you're arguing Zoggs, not been around long but AIBU can be like that from what I've read, don't worry about it.

It can be a useful tool for you to gauge which battles you should be fighting and which ones you should let go though.

TotemPole · 20/09/2011 11:29

Zoggsrus, what happens normally when you leave and leave DS in the house? Does you DH walk to the front door with you to lock it as you leave?

If so then I think the 'oh I didn't realise' was just a throw away remark. A momentary memory fail rather than a bigger issue.

Original poster
Zoggsrus · 20/09/2011 11:30

yes, springy, thats me

niceguy, I'm arguing that I'm not arguing! Grin

i think my tone is completely wrong
and I think I just want someone to talk to, and I'm going about it all wrong.
Aibu is not the right place for that!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/09/2011 11:31

zoggs, the Relationships topic might be more appropriate for you

diddl · 20/09/2011 11:32

Without knowing either of you or what happens when you do leave your son, it´s hard to know if your husband just made a throwaway remark or if he genuinely thought that his son was in the house.

Georgimama · 20/09/2011 11:33

There's nothing wrong with your tone, or with wanting someone to talk to. You're obviously concerned but I'm struggling to see the issue based on what you've said here. But you know your husband and we don't.

Original poster
Zoggsrus · 20/09/2011 11:35

To totempole- He would sometimes walk right behind me and lock the door.
but if I am trying to sneak out without ds, he wouldn't do it immediately, would just make sure it was on within a couple of minutes

He was really distracted and flapping, and getting him to stop what he was doing was not appropriate.

OP posts:
diddl · 20/09/2011 11:39

"He was really distracted and flapping, and getting him to stop what he was doing was not appropriate."

In which case, would he really have thought that you´d left your son with him?

Original poster
Zoggsrus · 20/09/2011 11:39

thats cool Georgimama, if it wouldn't be a major problem in your house, that's an opinion that I'm looking for. all good!

and diddl yes
I think the problem is that I would like DH to consider DS more. I hope that makes sense

OP posts:
Original poster
Zoggsrus · 20/09/2011 11:42

diddl- one of the things he was flapping about was ice, which I said I would get really quickly, in that situation he wouldn't really expect me to take DS.
He knows DS would slow the process down
IMO there wasn't really much to flap about, there weren't flames and firelighters, it was just cleaning the table etc, but that's just him

OP posts:
TotemPole · 20/09/2011 11:42

zoggs, this isn't what you're asking about but I don't think you should trying to sneak out. You're about to leave, DS knows you're leaving, you say a proper goodbye with a kiss, DH locks door immediately behind you.

I would have thought it more upsetting if he realises you're not there later on.

diddl · 20/09/2011 11:43

Of course you want your son to consider your son, and of course that makes sense.

The thing is that we don´t know for sure that he thought your son wasn´t with you.

Original poster
Zoggsrus · 20/09/2011 11:46

thanks AF.
I just think it's hard to communicate the issues with my DH. I have posted on relationships before and the absolute consensus is that he is a wanker of the highest order.
But I am trying to help him, for my sins. and ime Relationships doesn't have lot of patience for people who they have told to leave

OP posts:
SnakeOnCrack · 20/09/2011 11:46

Ok I'd be annoyed in this situation too and give him an earful about being more attentive if he thinks he's in sole charge of your son. At least he won't do it again (hopefully).

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