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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do about this? DH didn't even realise he was gone

111 replies

Zoggsrus · 20/09/2011 10:12

I can't work out if this is a big deal or not
The more I think about it, the more upset I am

We had a barbecue on Sat, DH was faffing about getting the barbecue ready, and he was really stressed. We didn't have any ice, so I said I would go and get some really quickly.
He was still faffing around outside, so I just said bye, I'm going, I'm taking DS with me.

Anyway, we had to go to 2 shops for ice, and DS wanted everything in the shop, so we were about half an hour.

Came back in and DH said, oh I didn't even realise he has gone with you.

DS is nearly 4.
If I am in the house with him, I don't go for half an hour without checking on him
Also, we have a second lock on the front door, like a chain, so if DS is in the house it needs to be locked as he will try and follow me, and he hadn't locked that.

so he didn't notice his son was gone, didn't check on him for half an hour.
He thought I had gone out alone, so should have locked the door behind me

what do you think?

OP posts:
Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 20/09/2011 10:52

I would have told my husband I was/wasn't taking him with me. Maybe just check with him next time so that he is aware?

Georgimama · 20/09/2011 10:52

I haven't read your other thread or threads so I have no idea whether you are being overbearing or your husband is neglectful, but I have to say (and I mean this in all seriousness and non snippiness) that the fact you are still very upset about this seemingly trivial incident four days later comes across as completely OTT.

ladyintheradiator · 20/09/2011 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Zoggsrus · 20/09/2011 10:52

yes, ruby, you're right

thanks mumblechum.

morloth, yes, I have namechanged before for that reason, but it feels dishonest somehow!!

OP posts:
worraliberty · 20/09/2011 10:53

Surely to goodness at the age of nearly 4yrs old your child should know not to open the front door and wonder out?

Apologies if there are any SN, but if there aren't...the mind boggles Confused

rubyrubyruby · 20/09/2011 10:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SwingingBetty · 20/09/2011 10:56

he probably did register that you said you were taking the kid maybe subconciously so thats why he wasnt worried

you are making a big deal out of nothing

Springyknickersohnovicars · 20/09/2011 10:56

I just think this was a breakdown in communication. If the OP's DH hadn't heard her say that she was taking the DS with her then it goes along with that that he wouldn't have heard she was leaving either. Breakdown in communication on the OPs part to be honest from the sounds of it.

Proudnscary · 20/09/2011 10:56

Umm your son's fine and all was well, I'd just relax really.

Original poster
Zoggsrus · 20/09/2011 10:57

this is the problem I had with my last thread
I don't feel like I am arguing, I feel like I am just explaining and giving more information. I am very much listening to people's opinions

Now there are more people saying that half an hour is ok to leave him, I completely respect that and will admit to being pfb.

And I'm not really really upset about it, it's just on my mind and would like some opinions

OP posts:
DeWe · 20/09/2011 10:59

I'm Shock that you didn't tell him you were going and taking ds. Surely that's setting up for problems? Another time he'll look round see you're gone and assume you've taken ds, and that could be a problem.

WorzselMummage · 20/09/2011 10:59

Maybe every half an hour.. what about 35 minutes? what about if zoggs is husband was just about to check?

Georgimama · 20/09/2011 10:59

I think she did but it appears her DH wasn't really paying attention.

BelleEnd · 20/09/2011 11:00

This would worry me too.

Original poster
Zoggsrus · 20/09/2011 11:01

LITR- I don't want everyone to say my husband is a shit about this

I really want people to say that I am being PFB and my husband is quite capable of looking after our son.

OP posts:
Original poster
Zoggsrus · 20/09/2011 11:02

I did tell him, but he was distracted. I admit that's not proper communication

OP posts:
caughtinanet · 20/09/2011 11:02

Going against the crowd here but I do think that your DH should at least have checked on your DS in 30 minutes. My DCs wouldn't have occupied themselves for that long at that age without some adult involvement and might well have gone outside.

My front door is unlocked when there is someone in the house and my DCs are free to go in and out to the front garden at any time although the door has a squeak which means that I can always hear it open but if I was in the back garden I might not hear.

Luckily this is an issue that can be avoided in the future by ensuring your DH always acknowledges any conversation about who has your DS.

I haven't seen any of your other threads so recognise I may be missing a huge back story.

Springyknickersohnovicars · 20/09/2011 11:03

Zoggs If he knew he had the child, then half an hour without checking isn't brilliant but it's not the end of the world either. BUT he was busy with the barbecue and you knew that, he didn't hear that you said you were leaving with the son. If he didn't hear the last part of the sentence, it's fair to assume he didn't hear the start of it either.

I wouldn't rent this non issue out any more of your head space.

cory · 20/09/2011 11:04

Well, I can only compare with my own husband who is very reliable and competely capable of caring for dcs without any input from me. And he would think that it is the responsibility of any person leaving the house to make sure that anybody still in the house knows who is going and where: and that includes checking if they heard. So if I had been in your situation I would probably have got a mild bollocking- because he is a mild mannered man-; he would not have accepted that he was at fault.

AnyFucker · 20/09/2011 11:05

You are getting opinions

Stop arguing with them

And if you keep "having problems" with the answers on your threads, perhaps the problem is with you being unable to accept what is staring you in the face.

I haven't read your other threads (well I probably have, but can't call them to mind) but if you keep asking a very similar question with only a slightly dofferent slant/scenario then people are going to get irritated with you, I am afraid.

Are you going to keep asking until you get that one answer that satisfies your need (whatever that might be) ?

diddl · 20/09/2011 11:06

But you told your husband you were taking your son.

So it sounds as if he was just making conversation along the lines of "you´re back so quick I didn´t realise that you had even left yet"

Also, if you were going to leave your son, wouldn´t you make sure that your husband came with you & locked the door-especially if he was obviously preoccupied doing something?

Do you ever leave your son with his father on occasions like this when you need to pop out?

squeakytoy · 20/09/2011 11:08

You are making a big unnecessary deal out of something that didnt happen.

If you hadnt taken your son, you would have said "lock the door behind me will you", and there wouldnt have been any issue anyway.

Although I too am a bit Confused that a 4 year old needs to be locked in to stop him escaping..

northernrock · 20/09/2011 11:12

It really irritates me when people say things like "Gah! A nearly four year old should know yada yada yada"
Yeah, a four year old should know not to go out the front door on his own, but lets face it, four year olds can do some mighty daft things, whether they have been told not to or not.
I get why it would worry you that if you had left ds with dh, dh would not have been on the ball, but I also think you should let it go now. And I havent read the other threads.

Original poster
Zoggsrus · 20/09/2011 11:13

oh blimey
I had one other thread which was about worrying about DH looking after DS when I die.
I was told there are obviously underlying issues, which I have admitted there are.

Here goes
I acknowledge some people think I am pfb
I acknowledge some people think I am a controlling mother
I acknowledge that there are major issues in my relationship
I acknowledge that we should have communicated better about this incident
I acknowledge that I am making a mountain out of a molehill
I acknowledge that my son should know better than to escape from the house

OP posts:
JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 20/09/2011 11:13

Confused but you said "bye, I'm going, I'm taking DS with me."

So your dh did know that you had him. He'd forgotten that you'd told him by the time you came back, but I'm sure it was there in the back of his mind.

If you'd not told him, you'd have a point. But here I think YABU.