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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my brothers and sisters to remember my DC's birthdays

31 replies

windatmytail · 18/09/2011 21:38

I'll be as brief as possible

I have 4 sisters and 5 brothers (including halves but not steps - its complicated and not always harmonious) I have, atm, got 5 nieces and nephews. I remember all of their birthdays, normally with a card but the younger ones get presents too.

Last Wednesday DS2 was two and only two of my brothers remembered, the rest didn't call, text, send a card or even email/facebook (I know he is only two but I would have passed the message on :) ) this is not an isolated occurrence; DS1 was 11 some months ago and exactly the same thing happened, he is obviously old enough to notice but too sweet to mention it.

I am livid on my DC's behalf AIBU?

OP posts:
redskyatnight · 18/09/2011 21:41

Well I have 1 brother who never remembers my DC birthdays, 1 brother who is married to SiL who generally remembers but sometimes a day or 2 late and 1 BiL (DH's brother) who remembers some years and not others. Some people think that recognising birthdays is important, others don't. In a big family I can see that remembering all niece and nephew's birthdays is not a priority for many. Unless you are very close I think YABU.

borderslass · 18/09/2011 21:41

YANBU but I have always remembered my nieces and nephews birthdays sisters always sent mine a card but brother only sent DD1 a card for her 18th.

LindyHemming · 18/09/2011 21:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

backwardpossom · 18/09/2011 21:42

My brother can't even remember my birthday, nevermind my son's. Ah well...

lockets · 18/09/2011 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Meow75isknittinglikemad · 18/09/2011 21:45

I tend to not expect my own standards from others.

It means my house can be a complete hovel, but I DO remember to send family birthday cards - not presents to everyone, perhaps - but always a card.

It can be as little as 50p plus the price of a stamp. Don't sweat it.

WoodBetweenTheWorlds · 18/09/2011 21:46

YABU to be "livid" about this. Birthdays aren't such a big deal to some people, and in such a large family, some people might think it is OTT to be sending cards to all the nieces and nephews.

Does it really matter that much? Do your kids really care? My dd is thrilled to get cards and presents for her birthday, but she never registers when someone hasn't sent something. I suspect it'll only be an issue for your kids if you make it one!

Popbiscuit · 18/09/2011 21:46

Let it go. If it was GPs I'd say you'd have cause for concern but aunts and uncles are sort of a grey area; it's a bonus if they remember but nothing to get upset about if they don't.

JoinTheDots · 18/09/2011 21:48

YABU

if you want them to remember, remind them. I have 7 DNs and I can only remember 1 of their birthdays (because it is on the 1st of the month) the other 6... I cannot seem to hold them in my head, and I am disorganised so do not use a diary. If my Dsis and DBro remind me of a birthday, I will always send a card. I would not be offended if they forgot my DDs birthday.

catsrus · 18/09/2011 21:49

I find it hard to remember my siblings birthdays never mind their offspring :)

Some people don't really 'do' birthdays - so I would take Euphemia's advice and forget their kids birthdays so that you don't feel resentful.

TakeThisOneHereForAStart · 18/09/2011 21:54

For Christmas, every year, get them all a calendar from one of the on-line photo shop places (Boots are good, or Jessops and even ASDA).

You can personalise them with photo's, including text and pictures on the days of the month.

So on each special occasion you want them to remember, instead of a blank square with the date, you can have a big photo of the child whose birthday it is and some bold text saying X's 5th Birthday or whatever. And for the big picture in that month you can have a photo of said child sitting in front of a birthday cake. Just to make the point.

Best thing is, most places do these calendars on 3 for 2 offers and you have nine siblings, so the numbers work out.

Helltotheno · 18/09/2011 21:56

YAB completely U. Life's too short for people to remember all these dates. Granted I don't celebrate my birthday myself so don't get the hysteria but I don't expect any of the ILs or my family to remember my DCs' birthdays... of course the grans and grandads do but it's not expected.
You're setting yourself up for numerous letdowns in life if you make a fuss over stuff like this imo.

Original poster
windatmytail · 18/09/2011 21:57

Hi all,

Thanks for your advice. I am very sensitive about my family but you are right, its not such a big deal.

I don't think that I could purposefully forget my DN's birthdays though; I'd feel so guilty Blush.

OP posts:
Original poster
windatmytail · 18/09/2011 21:59

Love the calender idea Grin thats christmas sorted

OP posts:
TakeThisOneHereForAStart · 18/09/2011 22:03

Glad to help Grin

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I'd rather everyone forgot my birthday and than forgot my sons.

Indaba · 18/09/2011 22:04

YABU....IMO

TakeThisOneHereForAStart · 18/09/2011 22:06

The link here has the 3 for 2 code for Boots photo calendars.

banana87 · 18/09/2011 22:08

YANBU. I have 2 sisters and I swear they only remember because my mom tells them or they see it on FB. DD never gets a card from them (they are in the US), same at Christmas unless we are home.

My sister is pregnant with her first now....I will ALWAYS send a card and present on my niece/nephews birthday and Christmas, as I do with my godchildren (also in the US). It really doesn't take much effort to show you care...

LongStory · 18/09/2011 22:24

YABU. I am a serial birthday forgetter. But I frequently make efforts to congregate/feed the extended family and get the younger cousins playing together. It really annoys me when others in my family are precious about birthdays but rarely make the effort to meet up and maintain a personal relationship.

slavetofilofax · 18/09/2011 22:50

Birthday cards are a very personal thing.

I don't care who forgets mine or my dc's birthdays, although I would wonder if I had done something to upset people if they are usually very good at sending crads, but they haven't. If they never did it in the first place, I wouldn't be bothered.

I only have one adult friend (childless) that thinks getting a card is a big deal, and I would always get her one otherwise she would be upset. Most of my friends and family know I love them with or without cards, and I know the feeling is mutual.

Original poster
windatmytail · 19/09/2011 09:14

Thanks takethisonehere, I have started to compile it now :) will include everyone's birthdays and anniversaries too just to mix it up a bit.

OP posts:
lesley33 · 19/09/2011 11:53

YABU. You have 9 siblings and 5 nieces and nephews. So a sibling if they remembered every birthday would have to buy for all 9 siblings, 5 nieces and nephews, parents on both sides, grandparents and any siblings and nieces and nephews on their partners side.

So between them a sibling and their partner could easily be buying cards and for some presents for over 20 relatives a year. Thats a lot of people and doesn't even include friends. By the time you take friends into account and their children you are looking probably at over 30 people a year.

On top of that people will have challenges in their own life that you may not be aware of e.g. depression, difficulties with neighbours, in laws, tough time at work, miscarriage, abortion, etc etc.

So you are right, buying one card isn't a big deal. But I think YABU not thinking of the bigger picture, the amount of cards people have to buy and send if they remember everyones birthday and that people sometimes have real issues in their life that not surprisingly takes greater priority in their mind.

lesley33 · 19/09/2011 11:54

And tbh I would be annoyed at your calendar which is so obviously a passive aggressive way of saying to people don't forget birthdays, that I would probably just throw it in the bin. It would make me think you are pretty self centred to think that tackling your pretty small issue is a suitable xmas present.

dmo · 19/09/2011 11:59

my sister has 2 children aged 2 and 5 and i have the 2yr old every week from tuesday morning to thursday night to help my sister out (5yr old has cp and is blind,heart cond etc etc)
i alway make a massive fuss of their birthdays and christmas and she has never ever even sent my boys (aged 14 and 15) a text to say happy birthday

Xiaoxiong · 19/09/2011 12:05

I think YABU unless they are singling your DCs' birthdays out for forgetfulness - ie. if they are regular as clocks with everyone else's birthdays, but just not your DCs.

My family isn't big on birthdays, anniversaries or anything like that and it's a blessing - there are so many other things in life that people fall out about that introducing something artificial like needing to send a card on a certain day every year is just setting yourself up for failure and future heartache. When something actually goes wrong my family rallies round like a shot - that's how I know they care, not whether they get a card congratulating me for staying alive another 365 days.

When I see the aggro poor DH gets when he doesn't get a poxy father's day card to its destination on time, even if he calls and texts on the day itself...it's just stupid. Life is too short.