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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect dh not to go out getting pissed when I am 36 weeks pregnant??

34 replies

milkysmum · 17/09/2011 10:19

DH is by no means a raging drunk but does like to go out a couple if times a week to play snooker at the local pub etc. I am currently 36 weeks pregnant and we have a dd 2 1/2 years old. I am getting increasingly aware I could go into labour anytime over the next month and have asked dh on several occasions to not get drunk when he goes out at present as would need him to be sober should I go into labour- sort dd out/drive us to hospital etc. when I say this he appears to fully agree that this is reasonable and assures me he won't get pissed. Past few Friday nights though he has gone out and come back MORE drunk thatn he ever normally would??? Last night took the biscuit and he rolled in at 1am completly off his face- he even pissed on the stairs!!!!!! something he has never done in the 12 years we have been together. He's fast asleep now and when I challenge him later I know he will just deny being as drunk as he was (likely won't remember), play the whole thing down and then assure me he won't do it again. Is there a way I can handle this better? tempted to threaten to throw him out but know I won't carry it through so would be pointless?? Any advice welcome.

OP posts:

Flisspaps · 17/09/2011 10:22

Make a plan B for getting to the hospital and alternative birth partner.

Give him both barrels when he surfaces and do not let him play it down. Make him clean his own piss off the stairs. That might make him re-think next Friday.

pchip · 17/09/2011 10:25

Wake his ass. Nothing like a hangover to remind you just how much you had last night.

DoMeDon · 17/09/2011 10:33

YANBU- your requset is reasonable and he is not, but I think that by asking him on several occassions not to do it it has come back to bite you. I think asking an adult not to do something can often back fire. Adults often make the right decision, but when treated like a child they happily revert to 5 year olds. I would take a punt that you 'reminded' him not to get too drunk before his night out?

Absolutely not your fault that he is acting badly though. I would make an alternative arrangement just in case he is drunk when you need him. I would assure him that while you would prefer him to be there, if he is drunk you will be doing plan B and he may miss the birth. Say it without judgement and mean it. I bet he bucks up, and if he doesn't you have an alternative that is not full of stress.

Original poster

milkysmum · 17/09/2011 10:38

Yes DoMeDon I probably even said 'don't you dare come back drunk' before he left the house!!! so your point about when you treat someone like a child they act like a child certainly rings true. Do you think he does it on purpose then just because I tell him not too? So giving him the hard talk- it's us or the beer type of thing is unlikly to work then?

OP posts:

Nagoo · 17/09/2011 10:44

WTF?

I hope he is up and got the carpet cleaner out already?

YANBU OP.

DoMeDon · 17/09/2011 10:48

I personally feel ultimatums rarely work,and even when they seem to not in the long term without creating dependance and resentment.

Can't believe you dared him I think when we push for someone to live within our boundaries they often subconciously push back. I don;t always think it is a deliberate and malicious act. selfish behaviour, yes, cruel and nasty, not always.

Would you really give up your relationship with DC father because he came home drunk again? That is the question you need to ask yourself. If it is yes, 'I am ready to walk away from him and cannot tolerate his behaviour' then it is more likely to get you the outcome you want - either way you will be happy. If the answer is no then careful what you wish for. Only you can decide what you are willing to tolerate.

I would state my case, calmly, without judgement or emotion (or as much as possible- I'm not a robot). I would say I am concerned he will miss the birth and not comment on his (frankly childish and unacceptable) behaviour. I would have an alternative plan that I was happy with. Even if it was a taxi to hospital alone- scary but not impossible. Have faith in yourself, when you get to a place where it doesn't matter how others behave it is quite freeing.

Original poster

milkysmum · 17/09/2011 10:52

He got up to use the toilet about 20 mins ago (if only he'd have manged that in the early hours!) so I told him he needed to clean the stairs- he point blank refused to admit he would have done this and and said it must have been the dog! it wasn't I saw him do it!! He's gone back to bed so I've cleaned it as don't want to live it for dd to walk through all day. He'll probably be in bed till after lunch now leaving me to try and entertain dd all day alone.

OP posts:

DoMeDon · 17/09/2011 11:00

I would have cleaned it up too tbh. Just because I wouldn't want DC subjected to it or a house reeking of P. Also it is the only time in 12 years, I like to think that if I became so out of it I messed up that DH would be kind enough to clean it up for me, but it would be appreciated.

You know he is hungover, you know it will be pointless to expect anything from him today. Go out somewhere with DD, enjoy the time that is just the 2 of you (you won't get that back with number 2 on the way ) Write today off in terms of H, it is done now and you cannot turn back the clock.

Just be calm and honets. Tell him you saw him P but you cleaned it up for DD. Tell him you don't understand why he feels unable to keep off the booze but you have a back up plan. Don't ask anything of him and see if he comes up with anything. You will be no worse off than now and it might get you what you want.

Jerseyellie · 17/09/2011 11:01

Think it's time for loud music and the Hoover to be turned on! YANBU as it's an anxious time for you.

Not sure why he is denying he was drunk though? I agree with the suggestion of discussing calmly the situation and the outcome if he carries on drinking.

If he is drunk again film him so he can see how awful he is!! (Only easy to do if you have spy camera available!!)

Seriously though think about what options you have? Can you ask family or friends to stay if he goes out?

Original poster

milkysmum · 17/09/2011 11:07

No I would not want to end the relationship if he came back drunk again so your right giving the ultimatum is unlikley to have the effect I want and just risks making the situation worse. Will try to think of somewhere nice to take dd today (not easy with the weather like it is?). And your right a taxi to the hospital in worse case scenorio would be doable and I guess not the end of the world. Thank you DoMeDon for the sensible advice

OP posts:

LikeACandleButNotQuite · 17/09/2011 11:13

I agree with Jersey, that bit of hallway outside you bedroom door looks like it could do with a bit of thorough hoovering.

I'd be sorely tempted to go sneak in and leave a note for him to find when he wakes, "gone into labour, thanks for all your help, see you whenever the THREE of us return".....put the wind up him.

Dunno if that's evil or not, but it might give him a fright.

DoMeDon · 17/09/2011 11:19

It is easy to give advice, harder to do it when you are struggling with the inevitable range of emotions you must be feeling (even without the pg hormones raging )

I hope the taxi situation is not one you have to be in btw, I think it would make him a twunt of the highest order if he missed the birth, but if you can rise above the understandable anger/disappointment at his behaviour it may well not come to that. I just think that when you push the universe pushes back, when you accept it shows you things (good and bad) as they really are.

I bet you would normally be sat home awaiting his get up, seething with annoyance. Don't be there- phone a friend, go gor a walk in pouring rain, even go to soft play if you have to Change the status quo. Maybe even stay out for dinner with DD and let him sort himself late. Not to be malicious but just in the spirit of change, acceptance and enjoying your own life seperate of his daft actions.

FabbyChic · 17/09/2011 11:20

Video him with your phone so you can shame him.

DoMeDon · 17/09/2011 11:20

I know where the hoovering/post it sentiments are coming from, I get that. Genuinely though, those kind of games usually bite you on the arse. I also think it's hard to be on your high horse about another adults behaviour if you act like a child.

purplepidjinawoollytangle · 17/09/2011 11:44

What DoMeDon said

Plus, I would make sure you get some time to yourself tomorrow - can you arrange to visit a friend/go shopping or something? Time purely on your own will be in even shorter supply when DC2 arrives, so let him take care of his child for the day

Moominsarescary · 17/09/2011 11:44

This happened to my friend, she went into labour at 35 weeks and partner was so pissed she couldn't wake him up. He missed his daughters birth

DoMeDon · 17/09/2011 11:58

Anything is possible though. He could be hit by a bus tomorrow and miss it all. No point dwelling on the horror stories, better to be involved in and enjoy the NOW.

Feel soory for your friend though Moo - did it all wotk out?

anewyear · 17/09/2011 12:08

LikeaCandleButNotQuite - I did do something similar to this..
I went to my Mums, no mobile signal here, and wouldnt have wanted to speak to my mum on the landline, probly the ont time hes brought me flowers....

brianmayshair · 17/09/2011 12:25

YANBU i like to pull out the disappointed in you card at these moments, works much better than the angry card. Having been in this situation plenty of times i feel your pain. I would tell him what your expectations about drinking close to your due date are and also let him know how tired you are at this stage in your pregnancy.
I am 30 weeks and my DH has planned a night out for 3 weeks before my due date sick of arguing and telling him what i want, its my 3rd baby its him that's missing out if i was to go into labour, his choice. I would however have a stick to beat him with for the rest of his life.

spookshowangellovesit · 17/09/2011 12:25

lived with this for years and years i would find someone else and tell him you have done this and in very stark uncompromising unemotional language tell him why. then end it and let him think about it, he will prob be a bit angry at first but if he is decent enough he will come to his own conclusions on it. hopefully they will be the same conclusions that you have.
ultimatums can wor in the right situation but this isnt it i would imagine he needs to come to the decision by him self so he feels he isnt being told what to do, and if you find someone else to rely on you dont have to tell him what to do just that you feel you cant rely on him and that will be an ouchie moment for him.

spookshowangellovesit · 17/09/2011 12:26

by end it i mean the conversation not the relationship

cece · 17/09/2011 12:28

Wake him up and let him suffer.

Point out the error of his ways again.

Sort out a plan B for getting to hospital and birth partner...

spookshowangellovesit · 17/09/2011 12:30

agree with other who say go out, staying at home = stewing.

WiiUnfit · 17/09/2011 12:31

YADNBU, you are classed as 'term' from 37 weeks so your DH should keep this in mind. Gently remind him how bad he would feel if he missed the birth of your DC as he was pissed/hungover/still out. And yy to arranging a 'Plan B' birth partner, you will need someone there with you (Mum / Sister / Friend perhaps?) & pissed DH is not a good idea.

PopcornMouse · 17/09/2011 13:01

YANBU, butthe fact he's been worse of late suggests that he's maybe finding the idea of DC2 very stressful and this is how he deals wth it - by escaping to have some fun and overdoing it.

I'm not excusing his behaviour at all, but I think maybe you need to talk to him about why he feels he needs to blow off so much steam at the moment.

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