Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to ask dh to calm down his social life?

103 replies

WoodrowButNoPaddle · 17/09/2011 08:14

I've really debated on whether or not to put this in relationships. I've decided to put it here as I really need honest opinions. don't even bother with the tampon crap this morning please.

Dh and I have been together 7 years, 1dc together (I have dc from 1st relationship) Monday to Friday he is a mostly a great partner and Dad. works, comes home spends time with dc etc. helps around the house (not as much as I think he should but thats another thread.) We have some intimacy issues but I don't think that is related to this problem.

atm I am on Maternity leave (back in work monday) and he hasn't been working much (freelance) so we have been spending loads of time together. he will be dd's primary carer when i'm back in work as his job is so flexible and mine is better paid.

the problems start when it gets to friday, he has always gone out on a Friday. Not a problem for him to go to the pub even onto a club. I go out with my own friends as much as I want to. Lately he has been staying out later and later, the last few months has been between 5am and 7am every week.

to get it out the way now, I can 100% say it's not another woman. End of. i know exactly where he he is and who he is with.

I could live with this every so often but every week? I don't think so.

we've sat down before (pre-dd) and i've told him I'm not happy with it and he has agreed to stop. He'll come home at a reasonable time for a few weeks/months but then it will all start up again.

i've tried asking him to stop, i've tried telling him to stop and i've even begged him Blush.

he strolled in at 7am this morning and will now spend all day in bed. he'll get up about 7pm for an hour (just as dd goes to bed) then tomorrow will be another quiet day as he wont be 100%. so when I go back to work we will have barely any time together during the week, then friday comes and he will off to the pub asap and in bed all weekend. when is my time?

I've told him I can't do it anymore. I'm in a part time relationship. It's making me fucking miserable. I'm sick of being on my own. it's not normal is it?

yes I have friends but they have families of their own, and funnily enough they actually spend time with their dh's!

how would you react in my place?

OP posts:
EricNorthmansMistress · 17/09/2011 09:49

My H has never taken stimulant drugs. He can drink til 7am quite easily. It doesn't have to be drugs.

Original poster
WoodrowButNoPaddle · 17/09/2011 09:51

yes i would mind if he suddenly started taking drugs and kept it secret. But there would be no need to keep it secret. It's not like i've ever said to him 'if you take drugs your out'.

I do intend to show him this, thats why i have name changed.

sgb I don't think he wants to change, thats what i'm scared of I think.

If I finally stand up for myself and say that things have to change and he says no, thats it. finished.

I think I'll feel like the one in the wrong somehow. fucked up I know, but thats how I feel.

OP posts:
WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 17/09/2011 10:08

That's awful. He is making you a single parent every single weekend. Do you ever get a lie in? I can't imagine you do if he's either pissed, sleeping or hung over all weekend.

You have told him how you feel about it many times and he has chosen not to change. What are you prepared to do?

fannybanjo · 17/09/2011 10:10

People only treat you how you allow them to. You are giving him carte Blanche to do as he pleases. Yes, you are informing him it makes you very unhappy but does he give a shit? No. I think there's your answer. He doesn't care. You truly want to be with someone who puts his wants first? I would rather be on my own.

Robotindisguise · 17/09/2011 10:17

I think I'll feel like the one in the wrong somehow. fucked up I know, but thats how I feel.

I imagine, because that'll be his line of defence. If only you would be cool about being a total doormat while I let you knacker yourself out with the childcare, it would all be fine.

I'm assuming your DH is reading this. This is directly to you, sunbeam. You're treating her like a shit.

knittedbreast · 17/09/2011 10:29

dousnt sound like alcohol at all, you cant stay up all night til that time pissed you would fall asleep.

does he take anything recreationally?

PublicHair · 17/09/2011 10:31

and OP's dp, i don't know you but i know your sort, you look fucking tragic.

all nighters are for kids,not people with kids. poor op, poor baby.

kat2504 · 17/09/2011 10:31

Even if he is not taking drugs, and the OP sounds fairly adamant about this, it doesn't really matter.
Whatever he is doing, his behaviour is unacceptable but he doesn't give a shit. Doesn't matter if it is drink, drugs, computer games, other women. He has been told how she feels about it and he doesn't give a toss about her feelings.
Solution seems quite simple to me. Act like a grown man or fuck off.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 17/09/2011 10:33

You're treating your children like shit too (also to OP's DH)

Aren't you ashamed of behaving like such a childish dickhead when you are a grown man with responsibilities?

My Dad would disown any son of his who treated his wife and children like this. You are not a man, you are an embarrassing, overgrown adolescent.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 17/09/2011 10:35

OP's DH . . .

At some point your wife will dump you. At some point your dcs will realise what a nob you are. Aaahhhh the things you have to look forward to [looks into the distance wistfully]

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 17/09/2011 10:36

Sorry should have add alcohol-induced liver disease.

StealthPolarBear · 17/09/2011 10:44

Well in a few years you, but mainly him, will have bigger problems, because his liver will pack up.
And then he will either die or have to stop. Then he will realise he has no idea how to be a father and has missed years of his DCs' lives.

mumeeee · 17/09/2011 10:49

YANBU. Your DH should be spending sometime with you. Yes going out on his own is okay sometimes my DH and I do our own thing. But it's not normal for him to be going out to clubs every-week and nor coming in until 5 or 7am. DD1 is 24 and so is her DH they also go our separately sometimes but neither of them would go out every week and they certainly wouldn't be clubbing until the early hours of the morning.

Haberdashery · 17/09/2011 11:02

DH occasionally has a big night out and comes in at 3 or 4am. By occasionally, I mean perhaps once every couple of months maximum. He then gets to stay in bed until midday, as I would if I had been out late. I think this is absolutely fine. Every weekend is NOT fine. It is selfish and unfair.

ImperialBlether · 17/09/2011 12:16

OP, didn't you post this same problem a couple of months ago? I remember everyone wondering what he was getting up to then.

ledkr · 17/09/2011 12:46

I dont think you have to be on coke to stay up all night,its surprising if you are having a good time how time passes quickly.
He is still a selfish knobhead tho.

Original poster
WoodrowButNoPaddle · 17/09/2011 16:18

imperial this is my first thread on this but judging by others on here it seems my dh isn't the only knobber thinking he's still a teen.

We've had a chat and he says he see's my point of view. He is saying he wouldn't be stupid enough to act this way when i'm back in work ( Hmm i'm back in work on monday, what has he planned for us to do before then?) and he understands his time comes second to family time now. His argument (excuse?) is that we have had a lot of time together as a family recently (true, we have) so he didn't feel his time out and recovering were having the effect I thought it was.

He has been honest and said he isn't ready to stop the weekly night out. I did expect him to say that he would just to keep the peace. I've said thats fine but 11 am on a Saturday is family time. if he chooses to continue opting out of that then he'll be a single man sharpish.

I'm okay with the going out but the negative impact on us has to stop. I am getting so close to the point of ending the marriage if things don't improve. I've just about had enough.

I've told him this and the ball is in his court now. we shall see how it goes.

writing it all down has sort of put into perspective how much I have enabled him to get away with some shitty behaviour. I don't feel so scared of ending it knowing that it really isn't acceptable to act the way he has.

on the whole we have a good relationship, and hopefully after this it can get back to having a great one instead.

thanks all.

OP posts:
spookshowangellovesit · 17/09/2011 16:22

out until 7 in the morning sounds more like drugs to me than drinking all night, would also account for the 2 day "come down" so to speak.

spookshowangellovesit · 17/09/2011 16:28

sorry that will teach me not to read the thread before posting.

Dozer · 17/09/2011 16:43

OP, think you're being overoptimistic. Sounds like your OH is selfish, not pulling his weight financially or as a partner, may have an alcohol problem and knows that you'll put up with lots of shit, don't value yourself or DCs enough to demand better, and don't mean it when you threaten to leave. Together you're giving your DC the impression that this is all OK.

Sorry to be harsh, but it's a "run for the hills".

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 17/09/2011 16:48

He has been honest and said he isn't ready to stop the weekly night out. I did expect him to say that he would just to keep the peace. I've said thats fine but 11 am on a Saturday is family time.

So he has to be up by 11 otherwise you'll be angry as fuck? Sounds fair to me. It means he doesn't get much sleep but that's his choice. Perhaps once he finds that he is exhausted he'll start coming home earlier.

LineRunner · 17/09/2011 17:20

I was thinking that, Whose. I could just about manage an all nighter Friday session every week IF and only IF I got a whole day to sleep it off plus another day to recover.

However, if I only got a couple of hours' sleep then by the following Friday there's no way I could manage anything other than a couple of drinks and an early night (assuming I was keeping normal hours in between).

PublicHair · 17/09/2011 18:43

i think he will continue to do what he wants dude. does he not want to be about for his dd. i'd still be looking into a nursery.

M0naLisa · 18/09/2011 00:41

So hes out wuth mutual fruends couples? Singles? Female and male? Your brother Is there too, how do you know he isnt shagging someone else and your brother ain't know? does your brother stat out all night? Do you speak to your brother about the nights out and what happened or Is It all from your dh?
People in their 30s who havent yet griwn to yet tend to take drugs more at thst point In their life. (their 30 and feeling like they want to stay in their high life befire they settle down)
If he's not taking coke then I guess he Is taking cannabis, sitting in someones house all nihgt till early morning drinking there's bound to be some smoke going round. stop being so nieve I say. And ad to his response of I don't want to stop my eeekly night out Id cut it down to once a month.

Dozer · 18/09/2011 07:27

I bet this gets worse when you return to work OP, eg "I have her all week, why can't I have a break on weekends" kind of line.

How old are your older DCs? How do they get on with him? What do they say about the fact that he's either out or sleeping all weekend? You mention that they're out a lot at weekends, perhaps that's normal for teens, or perhaps they want to avoid the situation.