Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to ask dh to calm down his social life?

103 replies

WoodrowButNoPaddle · 17/09/2011 08:14

I've really debated on whether or not to put this in relationships. I've decided to put it here as I really need honest opinions. don't even bother with the tampon crap this morning please.

Dh and I have been together 7 years, 1dc together (I have dc from 1st relationship) Monday to Friday he is a mostly a great partner and Dad. works, comes home spends time with dc etc. helps around the house (not as much as I think he should but thats another thread.) We have some intimacy issues but I don't think that is related to this problem.

atm I am on Maternity leave (back in work monday) and he hasn't been working much (freelance) so we have been spending loads of time together. he will be dd's primary carer when i'm back in work as his job is so flexible and mine is better paid.

the problems start when it gets to friday, he has always gone out on a Friday. Not a problem for him to go to the pub even onto a club. I go out with my own friends as much as I want to. Lately he has been staying out later and later, the last few months has been between 5am and 7am every week.

to get it out the way now, I can 100% say it's not another woman. End of. i know exactly where he he is and who he is with.

I could live with this every so often but every week? I don't think so.

we've sat down before (pre-dd) and i've told him I'm not happy with it and he has agreed to stop. He'll come home at a reasonable time for a few weeks/months but then it will all start up again.

i've tried asking him to stop, i've tried telling him to stop and i've even begged him Blush.

he strolled in at 7am this morning and will now spend all day in bed. he'll get up about 7pm for an hour (just as dd goes to bed) then tomorrow will be another quiet day as he wont be 100%. so when I go back to work we will have barely any time together during the week, then friday comes and he will off to the pub asap and in bed all weekend. when is my time?

I've told him I can't do it anymore. I'm in a part time relationship. It's making me fucking miserable. I'm sick of being on my own. it's not normal is it?

yes I have friends but they have families of their own, and funnily enough they actually spend time with their dh's!

how would you react in my place?

OP posts:
InTheSunshine · 17/09/2011 08:47

Woodrow is he taking drugs? My experience of people partying every week until 7am usually involves chemicals. YANBU. Has he always done this though? And do you think he's got Peter Pan syndrome?

EricNorthmansMistress · 17/09/2011 08:48

YANBU
this happened in my relationship. We lived separate social lives and this meant we lived separate lives as he was off sleeping in at friends' houses on days off etc.

It's completely destructive and contributed to a massive crisis in my relationship that could have (still could) led to us splitting up. I will now tolerate this no more than once a month if that.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 17/09/2011 08:48

YANBU

He is a Dad now, that means no all nighters until the children are a lot older (by which time he'll be too old :o)

What is most obnoxious is not just that he stays out until stupid o'clock every single weekend, but that he thinks that gives him automatic leave to stay in bed the next day and leave you with all the household work.

This would be my ultimatum: you can come stroll in at 7am, if you choose, but you still have to do a day's parenting, because you are a parent, and I do not give my assent to being left to do it alone.

So if you come in at 7, that means no sleep. If you come in at 5, you get 2 hours etc.

Why are you letting him sleep all day long?

Go up and open the curtains, tell him to get the fuck out of bed, and respond to any whining about tiredness or hangovers with the contempt it deserves.

If he can't party all night and do what needs to be done the next day, then he can't party all night.

He is treating you like a teenage boy treats his mother. No wonder there are intimacy problems.

Original poster
WoodrowButNoPaddle · 17/09/2011 08:48

Tbh I'm not keen on getting my brother involved. I wouldn't be comfortable with it.

I could do the same but I have a feeling he would be extremely accommodating just to prove his own point. He says he wouldn't mind at all.

I'm thinking of going to stay with my mum for a few days. I doubt he is going to change, he's had lots of chances already. I just need to decide if i want to live like this anymore.

Shit :(

sorry your going through the same kitty

OP posts:
Proudnscary · 17/09/2011 08:55

Two things

  1. My dh is a natural party person and night owl so I'm not one of those women throwing my hands up in horror at your post. Saying that, your dh's lie is extreme. All the 'tell him to fuck off and turf him out of bed' would never have worked on my dh - talking to him regularly over the years about unnacceptable behaviour, compromising and him not wanting to let down the dc (he doesn't) have made him grow up. Now I have a dh who still loves a drink and a lie in but has a bottle of wine and sleeps til 10am on a Saturday.
  1. I'm sorry but you don't know he's not having an affair. I only say this because a friend in exactly the same position ie the all nighters trusted her dh 100% and found out after he left her that he'd been shagging a woman at work.
kat2504 · 17/09/2011 08:57

Thing is, if you did the same, that sends the message that you don't want to spend time together as a family at the weekend either. Which is not actually the case.I think you should at least tell your brother it is pissing you off. That said, your DP knows perfectly well how you feel about it but is going ahead anyway. Does he know you are seriously reconsidering your relationship over this? Perhaps if he knows you are reaching the end of the line and it isn't just idle words he may buck up his ideas a bit. You have to mean it though, and make it perfectly clear that you are not intending to live like this.

EricNorthmansMistress · 17/09/2011 08:58

Don't get in to tit for tat all nighters. It just ends up with separate lives and resentment. You need to prioritise the family, not be equally crap.

Teachermumof3 · 17/09/2011 09:00

Are they out clubbing/doing drugs? Most people don't stay out drinking until 7am-usually it involves something a bit more hardcore. Otherwise, what are they doing??

YANBU; that's shite. My did this once when DS was tiny. I had a big rant and he's never done it again. How does he justify being completely absent from family life every Saturday?!

Robotindisguise · 17/09/2011 09:01

The thing is, there are no consequences for his behaviour, are there? You're angry, but you still do the solo childcare so he can carry on.

You should have one lie-in each of a weekend, imo. And realistically, a lie-in shouldn't be till more than 10ish if you have small children - even 10 means the other person's doing 4 hours of solo childcare.

It's very hard to change engrained behaviour. You have to tell him it's going to change and really sound like you mean it.

DH used to game until the very early hours on a Saturday. He stopped because I told him his lie-in was until 9.30am, as was mine - and he did the maths himself. I suggest you tell him regardless of when he swans in - he has to be up and helping by 11 at the latest. And mean it.

Original poster
WoodrowButNoPaddle · 17/09/2011 09:02

sorry x-posts with loads then.

i don't know why I have let him carry on this behaviour, i just want a quiet life i suppose.

Drugs have never been his thing so I doubt he's decided to start them now.

I dont feel like i could trust him with dd when he's been out all night.

When I go out, I go out after dd is asleep (7-8pm) and I always get up with her in the morning. usually about 6.30am.

why have I been such a door mat ffs?

OP posts:
cerealqueen · 17/09/2011 09:02

YANBU. He is being a selfish arse. His behaviour says 'I am entitled to my weekend to do what I want, without any reference to you and I will absolve all my parenting responsibilities. You don't get to have a weekend.'
I agree its is time for a sit down talk and agreement about nights out.
I really feel for you, tell him as you have said, you are 'fucking miserable'. But you have to act on what you say, so set a timescale to review. I hope you sort it out.

Teachermumof3 · 17/09/2011 09:04

Drugs have never been his thing so I doubt he's decided to start them now.

What is he doing then!? I don't know anyone who can, week in week out, drink until 7am??

Dialsmavis · 17/09/2011 09:04

I assume they are taking drugs? Doing that week in week out whilst having a career and young family is a bad idea and a huge piss take. Presuming you are OK with his activities I think once a month would still be extremely kind to him.

Dialsmavis · 17/09/2011 09:05

x posts

PublicHair · 17/09/2011 09:07

he's either sleeping with someone else or taking coke.
either way his life is not compatible with fatherhood,he needs to piss on the pot or get off it. and i would be considering my decision to leave the baby with him.

Proudnscary · 17/09/2011 09:08

Yes a good compromise like 'out of bed 11am latest' like Robot says sounds good to me - that's more than fair.

As I said the ultimatums and chucking out of bed would never have worked on my dh. It would just have led to horrendous rows.

I always have and always do the mornings, always - he's never got up with the dc. It's not really bothered me as dh does so much else with the dc like coaching their sports teams and does pretty much all the housework and I work FT so it all works out fine.

What is your dh like in other ways OP?

LoveInAColdClimate · 17/09/2011 09:09

YANBU. Go in, draw the curtains, leave DD with him and go and do something nice for yourself (whatever that is, manicure, day in the garden, weekend papers in a cafe). He is behaving like a teenager. And tell him it has to stop.

Agreed, by the way, that if he is staying out until 7am surely he must be taking drugs on these nights out?

Proudnscary · 17/09/2011 09:10

And I agree with all the others about coke and another woman - sorry.

You do need to open your eyes about that - don't sleep walk into disaster because you didn't even contemplate these possible factors.

Original poster
WoodrowButNoPaddle · 17/09/2011 09:10

i've told him this morning I cant live like this. I'd rather be alone than miserable.

I need to show him I mean it this time. I'll tell him again today.

the reason I left my first dh (dc's dad) is that one day my ds asked me why his dad liked the pub more than he liked him? The frightening thing is I can see dd saying the same in a few years :( :(

what is it with me and men who take the piss?

OP posts:
GeraldineAubergine · 17/09/2011 09:11

Does your brother ever take drugs? What are his views on them/people that take them?

Teachermumof3 · 17/09/2011 09:12

*the reason I left my first dh (dc's dad) is that one day my ds asked me why his dad liked the pub more than he liked him? The frightening thing is I can see dd saying the same in a few years sad sad
*

But surely he can't be at the pub until 7am?! Are you going to tell us what he's doing and where!?

Dialsmavis · 17/09/2011 09:13

or gambling andcoketoo ?

SheCutOffTheirTails · 17/09/2011 09:14

"I dont feel like i could trust him with dd when he's been out all night. "

Of course, but you don't have to leave him alone with her. You just have to make him get up and let him sit there feeling sorry for himself until he realises that he needs sleep even on weekend nights because he has responsibilities to attend to on weekend days.

Proudnscary · 17/09/2011 09:15

Is there more to all this, OP? Are you ok? Sorry you are feeling so shite btw x

Original poster
WoodrowButNoPaddle · 17/09/2011 09:17

It's not drugs. I would be amazed if our whole group of friends suddenly decided in their 30's to start taking coke. Trust me on that. he's not spending any more money than normal and drinking until early hours is normal for him. In fact when we first met he could drink friday all night, have an hour or two sleep then do it all again on the sat!

he works from home 99% of the time and as I've said he is out with a mutual group of friends on the weekend. It's my choice not to go out with them. I just dont think he would be able to sleep with someone without people noticing.

i can see from my post's why people would assume another woman though.

OP posts: