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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu to ask dh to calm down his social life?

103 replies

WoodrowButNoPaddle · 17/09/2011 08:14

I've really debated on whether or not to put this in relationships. I've decided to put it here as I really need honest opinions. don't even bother with the tampon crap this morning please.

Dh and I have been together 7 years, 1dc together (I have dc from 1st relationship) Monday to Friday he is a mostly a great partner and Dad. works, comes home spends time with dc etc. helps around the house (not as much as I think he should but thats another thread.) We have some intimacy issues but I don't think that is related to this problem.

atm I am on Maternity leave (back in work monday) and he hasn't been working much (freelance) so we have been spending loads of time together. he will be dd's primary carer when i'm back in work as his job is so flexible and mine is better paid.

the problems start when it gets to friday, he has always gone out on a Friday. Not a problem for him to go to the pub even onto a club. I go out with my own friends as much as I want to. Lately he has been staying out later and later, the last few months has been between 5am and 7am every week.

to get it out the way now, I can 100% say it's not another woman. End of. i know exactly where he he is and who he is with.

I could live with this every so often but every week? I don't think so.

we've sat down before (pre-dd) and i've told him I'm not happy with it and he has agreed to stop. He'll come home at a reasonable time for a few weeks/months but then it will all start up again.

i've tried asking him to stop, i've tried telling him to stop and i've even begged him Blush.

he strolled in at 7am this morning and will now spend all day in bed. he'll get up about 7pm for an hour (just as dd goes to bed) then tomorrow will be another quiet day as he wont be 100%. so when I go back to work we will have barely any time together during the week, then friday comes and he will off to the pub asap and in bed all weekend. when is my time?

I've told him I can't do it anymore. I'm in a part time relationship. It's making me fucking miserable. I'm sick of being on my own. it's not normal is it?

yes I have friends but they have families of their own, and funnily enough they actually spend time with their dh's!

how would you react in my place?

OP posts:
LoveInAColdClimate · 17/09/2011 09:18

If he is staying out in all-nights clubs, remind him of when he was 20 how pathetic he thought all the sad-arsed 30 and 40 somethings were who were still out all night every weekend Grin. I can remember thinking "bloody hell, I hope I've got better things to be doing by his age" when being bored by some gurning, pilled/coked up wanker twice my age on nights out... He is now that wanker!

ladyintheradiator · 17/09/2011 09:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 17/09/2011 09:19

There is no way I would be spending YEARS having the same conversation with some prick who thought the fact that he liked partying all night meant he could sleep all day while I looked after the children.

You're not "compromising" with someone who's being an irresponsible prick and foisting all his work onto you. You're just accepting that you count for fuck all and that your partner's enjoyment trumps your right to be treated as a person who counts in your own house.

The number of women who are proud of the way they've Mammied their husbands until they've eventually started acting in a way that is not as entirely shit as is used to be is depressing.

You don't need to cajole him out of this. He has no business lying about in bed all day on a Saturday. He wouldn't do that if he had work the next day.

Tell him to get the fuck up. It's up to him how late he stays out, but it doesn't mean he get to forget to be a father the next day.

Original poster
WoodrowButNoPaddle · 17/09/2011 09:20

usually they will go to the pub at the end of our street until about 1am then onto a club until 3-4am. sometimes they'll go onto an after hours place nearby other times to some ones house.

this isn't a trust issue. it's an issue with him thinking I'm just going to sit here looking after dd while he sleeps the weekends away.

OP posts:
SheCutOffTheirTails · 17/09/2011 09:21

"I would be amazed if our whole group of friends suddenly decided in their 30's to start taking coke."

I'd be amazed if they didn't.

People in their 30s struggle to drink all night without a little chemical help, even if they managed fine in their 20s.

Original poster
WoodrowButNoPaddle · 17/09/2011 09:22

teachermumof3 that comment was about my xh not the dh this post is about.

OP posts:
Original poster
WoodrowButNoPaddle · 17/09/2011 09:24

shecut but why would they all keep it secret from me? I've never really cared about other's drug habits tbh. I do drink with these people myself on occasion so I'm still pretty sure they aren't taking drugs.

OP posts:
Dialsmavis · 17/09/2011 09:26

DP goes out sometimes as I do I (separately most of the time unfortunately, but we have moved 100 miles away from our families and had another baby) But we are always OK to look after the DC the next day after a modest (11 am max) lie in.

Meglet · 17/09/2011 09:28

YANBU.

My XP was like that. Never curtailed his social life and would begrudgingly appear at lunchtime on a Sat / Sun. We'd get an afternoon of him being grumpy and tired before he went out again. Total waste of space and more hassle than he was worth.

Avinalarf · 17/09/2011 09:28

Drugs have to be involved. Must be. You can't stay up until 7am every weekend without some form of stimulant.

Proudnscary · 17/09/2011 09:30

God yes I know loads of 40-somethings that have just got back into coke and pills! I have made it clear I think they look like a bunch of sad old twats on and are in the throes of a mid life crisis.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 17/09/2011 09:32

but why would they all keep it secret from me?

Well arguably, they're not "keeping it secret" from you. You're not there when it happens, they don't think of it as a big deal, it doesn't come up when you're there.

It's also possible (and a less pleasant thought) that your DH has asked them not to tell you. And to me that would be a BIG breach of trust - to conspire with your friends to keep you in the dark about something.

Have you asked your DH if there are drugs involved?

Dialsmavis · 17/09/2011 09:33

Would you care if there were drugs involved?

LoveInAColdClimate · 17/09/2011 09:33

Perhaps you ought to show your DH this thread to show it's not you being precious, this is a pretty much universal view? It's a risky strategy, but my DH was behaving like a twat with his best friend (spending time with him to the detriment of us as a family) and seeing how damning MN was of it was a wake up call, although it did involve a bit of rowing that I had posted about it. I think seeing what he was doing written down made it clearer to him how unreasonable he was being and the possible consequences of his behaviour (i.e. that I was starting to question whether I wanted to be married to someone who put his family some way behind his friend).

Proudnscary · 17/09/2011 09:33

And Cutoff - in theory of course you are right that he should fuck off and grow up. But in real life there is more than one way to skin a cat.

In my case (and with a dh who admittedly did not pull all nighters but who did feel entitled to hangovers and late lie ins every weekend) my husband is and was sooo worth it. The goods far outweighed the bads so I was willing to cajole/wait/compromise.

The key thing is, OP, is the good outweighing the bad in your relationship? I'm not sure how it can with every Saturday wiped out.

Original poster
WoodrowButNoPaddle · 17/09/2011 09:34

I'm just going to ignore post's about drug's now if people aren't going to listen. My ex was a heavy coke user (amongst others) I would be able to tell if my dh started taking it or any other drugs. he isn't taking bloody coke.

thanks for advice. i'm off to bath dd now and try and enjoy at least part of my last weekend with her before it all kicks off later.

OP posts:
LoveInAColdClimate · 17/09/2011 09:35

I should make it clear that I didn't object to DH spending time with his friend, just that he was spending about ten times more time with him than with me.

ENormaSnob · 17/09/2011 09:36

Drugs or shagging IMHO.

Sorry you are going through this op, he needs to shape up or fuck off.

cerealqueen · 17/09/2011 09:39

I DO know people who have got into coke in their thirties, and I had no idea they were all at it but did wonder at their stamina. BUT, they have no responsibilities. It will be kept hush hush and from you, and its not on. Also, coke does make people behave of of character, arrogant and sexually irresponsible. I think you have to explore this avenue.

ENormaSnob · 17/09/2011 09:39

X posts.

I know an awful lot of people who do coke and their partners don't know anything about it.

fannybanjo · 17/09/2011 09:39

He'd have been bin bagged this morning if he were my DH. Selfish prick.

cerealqueen · 17/09/2011 09:42

These were some of my closest friends BTW. I had no idea, it was like some secret society.

solidgoldbrass · 17/09/2011 09:43

Unfortunately he thinks that you don't really matter and he can just 'tune out the whining' and carry on doing what he wants. I doubt you will get him to change.

AyeBelieveInTheHumanityOfMen · 17/09/2011 09:47

Whether or not coke is involved, men who behave like this without any discussion do so because they think childcare is their partner's job by default. In some senses, it doesn't matter whether it is the pub, the football, going off cycling every Sunday or gaming until the early hours and sleeping till late. Or even working 70 hours a week, although that scenario is deemed worthy, I think,

And of course, the partner is demonised when they say "hang on a second". And some folk say that we are all equal now...

ladyintheradiator · 17/09/2011 09:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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