SAHD who doesn't do housework?

[bushymcbush]

My DH looks after our DD (3yo) full time and I work (stressful and tiring job) full time.

Now, I know his job is looking after DD but I know when I did that job, I looked after the house too. It wasn't perfect but I tried to keep on top of the basics.

A year into our arrangement and his levels of housework are at an all time low.

He does cook almost every evening, and usually makes attempts to keep the kitchen tidy (not clean), but that's it.

The washing is constantly spilling out of the basket or sitting in clean baskets un sorted.

The carpets and floors are filthy.

The bathroom is filthy.

The house smells.

I often get home from work to find lunch and / or breakfast things all over the table still, DD watching TV and the dog unwalked.

AIBU to expect more?

[Bootcamp]

Sahp aren't househusband/wifes.

[SouthernFriedTofu]

Hahaha!! No, not really. But he was SAHP for 3 years, and barely dragged his eyes off the XBox, so it definitely contributed to the breakdown of our marriage.

I did hope!

[PenguinArmy]

still sounds like the cleaning isn't the issue per se

and still firmly on SAHP does not mean lions share. More in most cases yes because practically you tend to make mess or can clean a bit as you go, but not the working parent doing a minority and not the expectation.

[Bluegrass]

Am loving the difference between this thread and those in which a SAHM is being told by her DH that cleaning is part of her " job" (or indeed the "AIBU to spend all day on MN while the DC's play on the floor" type threads)!

[bushymcbush]

I don't know if he plonks her in front of the TV all day. It's usually on when I get home. I ask what they've been doing (in an interested way) and usually get a vague response. They do occasionally go out into town or to meet a friend.

Re nursery, she has just started 2.5 days this week. Both days he dropped her off and went straight over to his mate's place to help him decorate. I picked her up from nursery and got home to filth, breakfast things and unwalked dog. Both days. Last night he came home way after dd and i had gone to bed. Tonight he's not back yet and i havent heard ftom him, so who knows ...

It's kind of what prompted this thread, but as it's a favour for a mate I'm trying to see it as a one off.

In the future he's supposed to be getting work (supply teaching) when dd is at nursery but he hasn't registered with an agency yet. If he does get work we might be able to afford £10 a week on a cleaner, although I really wonder how much of a dint such a small amount of cleaner time could make in our house.

[belgo]

YANBU. Children this age find it great fun to help with the housework - you can get them hoovering, sweeping, wiping things clean, mixing up food for dinner.

It does take organisation - I made a list this morning of everything I needed to get down, otherwise I forget.

[minipie]

IMO it depends on how much time looking after your DC is taking him.

It may be that he genuinely struggles to look after your DD and is spending most of the day running around after her. If so then YABU and perhaps you could give him some tips on managing her.

Or it may be that it only takes him a few hours to look after DD and he's spending the rest of the time on the internet. If so then YANBU, he should be spending the extra time either with DD or doing things that benefit the whole family (i.e. housework). Not fair that you work FT and he doesn't.

[aStarInStrangeways]

"Why because a SAHP spends time online?? Um I hate to mention it to you but um.. mumsnet would implode if all the SAHP's had to gt off the internet."

the two aren't mutually exclusive though. i'm currently a SAHP and i've been on mumsnet a fair bit today, but i've also managed to play with DS, look after baby DD as well as wash up, do washing, vacuum etc.

i don't see it as my job to deep clean to exacting standards, but staying on top of things is just common sense. because otherwise the house mings, and since i'm the one that spends most time in it that would impact on my quality of life

[TheBolter]

Exactly, Bluegrass. The hypocrisy on this one is hilarious!

[minipie]

Just saw your post saying she's at nursery 2.5 days a week (just started).

Definitely time for a conversation about what he plans to do with that time.

[minipie]

Bluegrass and Bolter I've seen plenty of posts on MN saying that cleaning is part of a SAHM's job - if she has time to spare after looking after the DCs, which will all depend on how many DCs/what ages/what needs etc. Seems pretty clear here that the SAHD does have time to spare.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

I fail to see how he doesn't have time to clear up after breakfast, walk the dog etc.
I do expect my DH to keep the place reasonably tidy whilst I am at work and I really resented when he used to sit down and watch telly in the evenings after the kids had gone to bed whilst I was still doing housework (Note- I get up before him with the kids and do the morning school run).

We usually try to blitz the place in an hour or two on Sat or Sun morning so we both have the weekend free.

[Bluegrass]

Is it clear miniepie? The other favourite when a guy posts is "we are only hearing one side of the story, what would your DW say about how her day is spent"!

[PenguinArmy]

well the nursery certainly changes thing. If childless and jobless for a few days a week (not counting weekends) then I do think housework automatically comes into it.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Bluegrass and Bolter when DS2 was at nursery every afternoon for 3 hrs I think I was reasonable to expect my DH to do some housework as part of his "job" as he was not doing the parenting bit at that time. That doesn't mean he should do three hours cleaning but tidying up the mess that he and DS2 had made is not unreasonable (rather than leaving it for me when I had already done 12 hrs without a break from the kids getting up, school run then work).

[happyhorse]

Well as a SAHM and a bit of a slattern I was prepared to say that you were being unreasonable, but actually it sounds like he's taking the piss a bit if he can't even bung a bit of washing in the machine and whizz round the bathroom with a Flash wipe.

[Yama]

I think all adults living in a household should share the housework. Discussion, and agreement is needed.

Not much help am I?

[KD0706]

I am a SAHM. I consider myself fairly rubbish as far as housework goes, certainly not stepford wives variety.
But I always make sure clothes are washed and out away and the kitchen is cleaned, dishes put away etc. I shove the Hoover around when needed, usually a few times a week and give the bathroom a quick wipe probably similarly often.

I wouldn't be happy if DH was expecting a pristine house when he got home. I do consider that my job is taking care of DD and not housework. But still I think YANBU as you're just asking for basics from your DH.

The point is even more blatant since your dd started nursery. If my dd was out at nursery 2.5 days a week and I was still at home full time I think I would consider housework part of my job.

[Bootcamp]

Tbf since dd is at nursery he could spend 3 hours one day a week doing a good going over of house, that's what I choose to when my 3 are out. However, I wouldn't even try to do more than the basic basics with my 2 year old in tow. Am a slattern.

[CaptainMartinCrieff]

I'm detecting some serious double standards here.

[MrGin]

My best friend is a SAHD and he does all of the things your XP isn't.

foot-arse-kick

[Bootcamp]

Also would be horrified if dh expected the house to be spotless when he gets home just as he would be horrified if I asked him to do proper cleaning.

[ImNotMyselfToday]

YANBU - my DH was SAHP with three DCs. He said that looking after DCs and doing the housework was his job. At weekends we shared housework but the majority was done in the week.

Why on earth can he not do the laundry? I take it you dont demand that he goes down to the river and beat it on rocks? Sort laundry into colours, put load into washing machine, add soap, switch on. Go back to whatever he was doing.

Sorry, it sounds like he should be getting back to work though how he will manage with such a lazy attitude I dont know.