To never, ever, ever be under same roof as SIL again. Ever.

[tittybangbang]

Yes, another SIL thread. Sorry. Please humour me. Please, at least one person read it and respond!

The letter I wanted to send db last week - knew I never would, but boy, did it feel good to get it all out!:

(Letter written after excruciating evening at my mums. We only ever see SIL at my mums when both families go round for a meal but this does happen at least once a month. Sometimes more often)

"I spoke to mum last night. Unsurprisingly she agreed with me that yesterday afternoon was pretty horrendous.

All three of my children behaved horribly yesterday. I'm sorry for that. I?ve got to tell you that what made it particularly distressing for me was that it was witnessed by SIL. I came home in tears with an ache in my chest of humiliation.

I suspect some of the behaviour was a response to them knowing that Aunty SIL has a strong antipathy towards them, and they were acting out in front of her because of this.

SIL must be aware that people, kids too - NOTICE when someone doesn?t like them. Not sure if she?s aware that that not making eye contact, never showing any interest in someone, or any warmth towards them, is generally perceived as hostile when it?s directed towards adults and children who happen to be part of your extended family and who you meet with regularly. And particularly when it's directed towards someone who has shown love and care for her children, and has always been friendly and interested.

Whatever ? it?s been very distressing to me over the years. I?ve cried over it a lot of times. I have got to the point now where there are things I can?t forget or forgive: SIL seeing me at mums for the first time after dc2?s birth, and not finding it in herself to even acknowledge that I?d had a baby. Not looking at him or commenting on him. Turning her face away when the rest of us were looking at him. Cringing when dc3 came near and pulling her dress away with a look of disgust in case he brushed against her.

She has never made a single attempt to engage my children in any sort of meaningful conversation. Never asked them a question. Never given them a spontaneous hug or taken an interest in anything that they?ve done. Never commented kindly on their personalities or their appearance. She just pretends they don't exist, to the point of not even looking at them even when they're in the same room as her.

Last week she made comments about why your dc shouldn?t have to share a classroom with children with special needs, specifically a child with aspergers (who she described as a 'disgusting little shit'). And dropped a comment into the conversation along the lines that the only saving grace as far as dc3 goes, is that, unlike her ?friend? whose child also has aspergers, I?m at least I?m not trying to make out that my autistic son is bright.

How could you possibly explain this degree of unkindness in a grown woman?

DD is 12 now, and she's beside herself with anger about how SIL behaves towards her. That's why when you come round with SIL you only now ever see dd's back as she walks out the door. She cried last time SIL came to our house because she felt so angry and upset. And over what? She's never said or done anything to SIL to upset her. She's always been polite to her. She's brilliant with your children - really loving and attentive. She can't understand why SIL appears to hate her, and neither can I.

And I don't want to have to think about it any more or deal with the stropping and crying from dd after you've gone.

Anyway ? what I want to say to you, and what I want you to communicate to SIL, is that I don?t want to see her again or want her to see my children. So future invitations - birthdays, Christmas, the usual family barbecues, I don't want her to come, all though of course you and the kids are still welcome. Actually I think she'll be relieved. Sorry if this is hard for you - I know it's going to upset you and put you in an awful position, but I think it's time you shared some of the responsibility for her behaviour and attitude. After all - in all these years you've stood by and watched her do it and pretended not to notice.

So there is is. Sorry."

Love dsis

If you can bear it - some history, have posted on this issue before....

here

She sounds completely ghastly. Can your DH have a word to your DB when they go out for a drink or do they just talk about sport or some other manly topic?

Do not send the letter. Written words are incredibly inflammatory and never go away. But call your brother or better meet him in person, explain that you have been and continue to be hurt by her behaviour and that it's gone too far and for too long. Consequently you have decided that it's better from now on if you stay out of each other's way. Be measured and mild and then nobody can turn it onto you.

Is there any mileage in asking either her or your brother directly if you have done anything which she holds against you?
Do you think you could have, inadvertently?

Trippler - this is all I can think of. That the OP must have inadvertently done something which the OP has misinterpreted and blown into something huge enough to justify her behaviour. Or the sil BELIEVES that the OP has done something, anyway.

I guess that could be a move forward. Rather than challengining your sil's frankly abhorrent behaviour, could you approach your brother with something along these lines.

"I know there is a problem between myself and sil, but I am confused as to how this has happened and how to make it better. I think it needs to get better though, as everyone is getting upset. Can you help me to understand what the problem is and how we can try to resolve it?"

Yes I think that's a good way to approach it.
Of course the danger is she says "You did THIS and THIS and then THIS" and she won't now listen to you say you didn't mean it.
But it might clear the air a little.

I know that my MIL thinks something v bad of SIL, we've tried to tell her it's unlikely that what she thinks is what SIL meant, but she won't budge. People do get such fixed ideas

Problem is your brother has no incentive to deal with this (I know it's HER behaviour that is the issue, but it is HIS family to whom it is happening) because:
-he still gets invited round to your house with his family;
-no one picks her up on her unpleasantness, even mildly, at the time or later, so forcing some kind of acknowledgment from her and him;
-he still gets to have nice evenings out with your DH.

In your place, with my own sibling facilitating the nastiness, I do not think I would be half so accommodating. I would not let my DD be so badly treated in her own house. It's one thing to hold your nose and keep your temper at family gatherings elsewhere, but home should be her haven and I really think DB and SIL should not be hosted at your house any more, for your children's sake.

i really think you have to stop inviting them round.

i agree totally with EldritchCleavage

yes, why can't your dh have a quiet word with your db?

You don't need to see this woman, and tbh if anyone made my dc's feel that way I would not let them near that person!
You have some control of the situation in that you can choose not to have to witness her behaviour or allow yourself to be on the receiving end of it.

You can still see your mum and your brother if you want but you do not have to see this woman.