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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that women probably cheat just as much as men do?

44 replies

cecilyparsley · 16/09/2011 11:31

this thread has been prompted by a comment on the 'all men are bastard thread' to the effect that lots of men cheat on their wives.

The obvious (to me) question is, who are they cheating with?
Probably with women who are themselves cheating..
(or is there a small pool of single women who share themselves around attached unfaithful men? Confused)

Mobile phones and internet dating have made it very easy to look for extra curricular relationships/hookups, so people with leanings in that direction are more likely to act on their urges.
Further more if everyone is doing it, well it starts to look 'normal' Shock

I'm not condoning cheating, but when advances in technology mean that your mobile phone is replaced by a microchip in your brain, granting you a form of telepathy, well, what then?

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 16/09/2011 11:33

I think its a pretty even split, I was pretty horrifed that my married 'hycinth bouquet' friend regularly goes out at the weekend and shags random men... she says she a cougar, she's a vile old trout in my opinion.

I know a very respectable guy who, when with his mates, plays 'who can snog the ugliest woman' competition.

I find it very hard tobe civil and keep out of it.

mumblechum1 · 16/09/2011 11:35

Plenty of women have affairs.

I know, I'm a divorce lawyer Grin

An ex mate of mine had a string of affairs over a 14 year period until her doormat husband finally walked out after forgiving her umpteen times

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/09/2011 11:36

Of course women cheat if they have the inclination and the opportunity. I think they may even be better than men at covering their tracks because a)they're a little more subtle and b) they don't feel the need to unburden themselves with confessions.

Original poster
cecilyparsley · 16/09/2011 11:42

Cogitoergo, this I think they may even be better than men at covering their tracks because a)they're a little more subtle and b) they don't feel the need to unburden themselves with confessions
looks like a key point!
certainly it would lead to the perception that women dont cheat as much as men.

It could be spun either way, ie women are worse than men because they are more devious, OR not as bad because at least they have the decency to be discrete (

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 16/09/2011 11:45

OF course they do, it is all about opportunity, if the woman is a SAHM the man probably just gets more opportunity.

MrGin · 16/09/2011 11:50

I think there might be another factor. A very good friend of mine who is a SAHD discovered his wife was having an affair. It was all in all a massive cliche just with the roles reversed.

He had kind of lost his mojo and gone to seed, stayed at home, did the shopping, cooked the diner etc. She had a very high powered job which took her around the world with lots of other shiny high powered people in expensive suits and expensive grooming.

Temptation was there in buckets.

Not saying it's the only factor, but perhaps as roles are reversed, and women rightly make in roads into the work environment, the kind of temptations that have buggered up men are available to more women.

God I hope none of that sounds sexist.

Original poster
cecilyparsley · 16/09/2011 11:50

thanks:) such alot on here about cheating men, I felt the need to redress the balance

OP posts:
MrGin · 16/09/2011 11:53

sorry, posted before seeing Fabby. Same thought, more words.

Original poster
cecilyparsley · 16/09/2011 12:00

so if men and women are equally likely to stray given the opportunity are we moving towards a suggestion that humans are not naturally monogamous?

Would it be better if we were all free to express ourselves sexually instead of being made to feel evil if we're not happy to be on lockdown with just one partner.

Or am I just getting carried away with a utopian peace & lurve fantasy?Blush

OP posts:
RedRubyBlue · 16/09/2011 12:07

I think it going the way of serial monogamy. Staying faithful to one partner during the duration of the relationship.

Crosshair · 16/09/2011 12:07

I would say plenty of women cheat as with men and sometimes with each other!

''Would it be better if we were all free to express ourselves sexually instead of being made to feel evil if we're not happy to be on lockdown with just one partner.''

If you're open with your partner I cant see why not.

Original poster
cecilyparsley · 16/09/2011 12:12

Redruby, if relationships become increasingly short term we'd need to rethink the commitments that we make with partners, ie jointly owned possessions and jointly produced children.
I mean come up with much better ways of managing things!

OP posts:
RedRubyBlue · 16/09/2011 12:23

Cecily

I have often thought that too. I sometimes attend weddings and engagment parties etc and wonder if they will stay together. I find it very sad that I do that.

A young guy I know is thinking about moving out of his parents and buying a flat with his girlfriend...............a huge commitment at 24. Will he/she be dying to shag someone else after a few years?

It is the old joke about the 'Hollywood star' marriage proposal; "I love you - will you be my first wife"

whatsallthehullaballoo · 16/09/2011 12:23

I have to go against the grain a little here - I think (and this is what I THINK not KNOW) that women tend to have affairs with 'love' in mind, whereas men do not and are more likely to have a string of one-nighters/ prostitutes etc if they are so inclined.

I think it takes a lot more encouragement for a woman to have an affair (usually body concious etc) then for a man and for that reason I conclude that are likely to have more affairs than women. Smile

Original poster
cecilyparsley · 16/09/2011 12:44

whatsthehulla, of course you could be right, it's not an area of life which we can get reliable statistics about!
Thing is, when a man cheats he's mostly cheating with a woman, so for the numbers to work with your theory there'd need to be a small number of women who have quite a large number of partners to 'service' the large number of men who are cheating.

we'd have a situation where most women are monogamous, and few are very very busy!

OP posts:
Original poster
cecilyparsley · 16/09/2011 12:45

Redruby I agree, a joint mortgage is a massive commitment!!
(never ever again)

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 16/09/2011 12:57

I can remember them doing DNA tests in a seaside village, i think it was to solve a murder and around 1/3 of the population couldn't have had the fathers that they thought they did, which they think was quite low for a town that was close to the docks.

One of my nan's favourite saying was 'you don't miss a slice off a cut loaf'.

shakey1500 · 16/09/2011 12:59

cecilyparsley couldn't agree with you more Grin

I wonder too about humans being naturally monogamous or not. After all, the concept of marriage is founded by religion, not an inbuilt "instruction".

Even the term unFAITHful-religion etc

Though I may be talking out of my arse

aldiwhore · 16/09/2011 12:59

I agree with serial monogamy. I'm happily married, but who knows what the future holds, my DH is certainly not my first serious relationship and though I thoroughly intend for this marriage to be 'until death' - who knows?!

The problem with any commitment is that intent is usually there, but reality and time can change things drastically. I'd like to think that I would at least be out of one relationship until another started, but life isn't always like that.

I also think there's different kinds of cheating. There's those that do it for the buzz, its a game of not getting caught, and enjoying sex. There's those that meet someone they genuinely fall in love with and probably lots in between.

Opportunity IS probably an issue, but as a SAHM who also enjoys a night out, who's married to a man who doesn't socialise other than when at work, I would say we've both got opportunity, but no inclination. However, when we went through a very rough patch, I withdrew from social settings that gave opportunity because with beer in me and my state of mind/heartache at the time, I was worried that temptation + opportunity + sadness + anger could equate to somewhere I didn't WANT to go.

FreudianSlipper · 16/09/2011 13:06

no i do not think they do but many have affairs and tend to be better at covering their affairs and with the pill we have more freedom than we once did. i think if it was equal there would be more male prostitutes for women but it is not really a big industry

not everyone needs to be sexually committed as long as both are happy with that what the problem is. i know i could not have stayed committed to someone in my 20's and early 30's no matter how much i loved someone i am too experimental and wanting to see what else there is out there but now i am older and wiser maybe i could. There is so much pressure to just be with one person but now people are more open in what they want i am happy at this point just having a casual partner if i meet someone else i want to have a casual relationship with then great i do not feel i need commitment from him and he feels the same way but that could change with someone else

Original poster
cecilyparsley · 16/09/2011 13:08

aldi I agree reality does change things...perhaps we are conditioned to have unrealistic expectations of love and relationships and some cheating is motivated by the search for the elusive greener grass.

shakey there is also the view that the nuclear family is a unit of production for the convenience of the capitalist economy..or something like that Confused

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 16/09/2011 13:09

Surely a sahm who has kids in school and none at home has as much opportunity to have an affair and keep it a secret.

Original poster
cecilyparsley · 16/09/2011 13:14

Fruedian women paying men for sex? far as I know it's a bit of a myth..the market is virtually non existant-> kinda suggests that men have a greater need for sex for it's own sake?

OP posts:
aldiwhore · 16/09/2011 13:15

I could be banging a few people and no one would ever know... apart from my 3 yr old who's here most of the time. But when he was a baby, if I were so inclined I could have had many a postie-shag.... so you're right there duellingfanjo!!

Apart from the religious side of things and the social contructs, I like to think that humans tend to 'mate for life' or some do... others are like dogs and will shag anything.

shakey1500 · 16/09/2011 13:18

aldiwhore do you mind? I have standards you know ;)

(