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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that nursery owner shouldn't be shouting at my son?

105 replies

justlookatthatbooty · 15/09/2011 21:06

My 2 dc's wouldn't put their shoes on at pick up time. I had been there 20 minutes looking at things they had been playing with and it was time for shoes on so I started gently and moved towards firm after 10 mins of messing about. AT which point the silly owner said to my son that pick up time isn't for mother's to come and play with their children at the nursery it's time for children to put their shoes on. Bit silly but fair enough, whatever. Then with a little more rebellion from my 3 year old who kept giggling and running away from shoes, She abruptly yelled at him from other side of the room with seemingly genuine agression "JOSHUA... NOW I AM GOING TO GET REALLY ANGRY..!!!" There were still 3 other kids there without their parents having arrived and it was an hour before closing time. It was sheer behaviour control and it felt like she was butting into my own moment with the kids which actually had absolutely feck all to do with her.
Son looked really shocked and tearful and slinked as far away from her as he could and put his shoes on but not like it made any sense.

Sad.

AIBU?

OP posts:
BimboNo5 · 15/09/2011 22:43

hahaha another 'AIBU? yes you are. What the fuck do you know, you don't know me?' Type scenario...ahhhh

Stokey38 · 15/09/2011 22:44

I have to say I am on the side of Justlookatthatbody. If nursery owner was unhappy then she should have spoken professionally to her and not shouted at DC. This sounds so much like my old nursery where I felt the owners were about as close to bullies as you could get.

slavetofilofax · 15/09/2011 22:46

Most good nurseries will allow parents time to look at their things, look at their 'learning journey' book or whatever. But if you want to do that, the best thing to do is probably to let the staff know that morning that you intend to hang around for a while at the end of the day.

That way, they don't see you coming, tell the child they are going home and need to get ready, and then be undermined by a parent who is happy for the child to do the exact opposit of what they have just been told.

colditz · 15/09/2011 22:53

You're farting around too much with your children. She doesn't want your lackadaisical "if you feel like it, maybe you could see your way to putting your shoes on, he he he, come on you little monkey, don't you hide from mummy, hee hee hee oh you're SO naughty!" attitude spreading to your children's behavior at nursery.

She's probably just about managed to convince them that when she asks them to do something, they should move. Right Now. She doesn't want to have to spend every playtime or transition cajoling your angels because you have given them the idea that farting around and being disobedient at nursery is perfecty acceptable because Mummy encourages it and finds it fun.

While she is seeing you to the door, she is out of the main room, unable to clear up, unable to finish her paperwork, and you were perfectly capable of ramming their shoes on, and shilly-shallying all the way home, on your own watch. Dither all you like with your children, but don't inconvenience other people to do so.

pigletmania · 15/09/2011 22:55

stokey how is telling a child to put their shoes on in a firm voice bullying Hmm, it got the job done, that the op in 10 mins of faffing about could not. The nursery owner was obviously confident in her abilities to be able to do this in front of parents.

amIbeingdaft · 15/09/2011 22:56

No, your post of 22.23 proves to me that you're too withy washy. And your post about being calm 'just for one day' contradicts itself to the point of bollocks.

amIbeingdaft · 15/09/2011 22:57

Sorry: wishy washy, not withy washy. Obviously.

worraliberty · 15/09/2011 22:57

Totally agree with colditz

And as for 'bullying'...the constant daft over use of that word on MN detracts from real bullying in my opinion. I do wish people would stop using it out of context Hmm

Original poster
justlookatthatbooty · 15/09/2011 22:58

You're quite right.

I have been in an 'assessing' process, just checking things out and have raised my issues a couple of times. Yes, you're right in that I don't like the place for my Son, though see that it doesn't affect my daughter in the same way. The owner (who was the only member of staff present most days I've picked up) are extremely sweet with her and when my two DC's stand side my side they shower her with praise and tell him off or treat him with indifference. They are muslima's and actively encourage him not to dress up in the princess dress at the nursery and tell him off strictly. They never do that with my daughter. She comes home with her hair full of little glittery things and clips and all and when he says he wanted them, they won't let him, coz he's a boy.
So yes, that's why I gave notice, the 2 month notice period I mean. Only it was just last week and he's got another 7 weeks to go.

There are too many posts to respond to all but just to say thanks for your opinion, even if you think IABU.

!!

OP posts:
Original poster
justlookatthatbooty · 15/09/2011 23:00

by the way, it's one room, one member of staff, four kids in total. The street door opens into the play area directly. no avoiding being in the midst of the playing.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 15/09/2011 23:01

do you mean they are muslims? what on earth has that got to do with any of it?

Original poster
justlookatthatbooty · 15/09/2011 23:05

Just to add, there seems to be a whole system described in many of the above posts that I'm not familiar with with co-workers and whatnot.

I'm a long term British expat in a European country and haven't a clue how things work in the system in the UK. I do know what;s normal here and I've been actively encouraged at other places to be involved with the children at the nursery. This being a new place may well have different ideas but they haven't been communicated and a lot of you seem to assume I should know it's the norm not to 'hang around'.
Whatever you make of my parenting style is fine, but it's clear their are system differences and it's interesting to learn of what's normal there.

OP posts:
Original poster
justlookatthatbooty · 15/09/2011 23:07

Thanks for all the input, really interesting learning curve. Need some sleep.

OP posts:
Tchootnika · 15/09/2011 23:09

You need to talk to the staff, justlookatthatbooty.
TBH it sounds as if the whole problem you describe above is probably based on lack of communication, from what you've said in your last post.

worraliberty · 15/09/2011 23:09

Well I think the great equaliser no matter what country you're in...is that if a parent asks their kids to put their shoes and coats on, the kids shouldn't be still mucking about 10 minutes later.

seeker · 15/09/2011 23:09

Well, if they are in full play mode and gleeful and delighted the nursery can't be all bad, can it?

MumblingRagDoll · 15/09/2011 23:15

Have you seen other parents hanging around OP? I have to say that I also thought 10 minutes of messing about seems thoughtless...they're busy.

wildhairrunning · 15/09/2011 23:16

Bloody hell! Your nursery costs a fortune!

Can't you get out of your contract early and not pay citing her unreasonable behaviour?

banana87 · 15/09/2011 23:17

I'm shocked at how many if you think it's ok to shout at small children. Fair enough using a different tone of voice, I do that alot but not shouting, especially at children who aren't mine. Fair enough for shouting if a child is hurting someone or in danger as well, but not in the situation the OP described.

wildhairrunning · 15/09/2011 23:19

I feel so sorry for your little boy as they seem to be treating him horribly and he must hate going there. Even though it costs a lot I would be inclined to NEVER take him there again and don't pay them. If they threaten you with court say you are prepared to stand up and talk about how cruelly they treat your boy - the poor thing, don't take him back there!

WoofToYouTooLady · 15/09/2011 23:28

banana several of us have already said your shouting might be my firm voice so coupled with wet parenting (ten mins to put on shoes fgs) I am leaning heavily towards firm voice

MumblingRagDoll · 15/09/2011 23:33

What woof said.

Migsy1 · 15/09/2011 23:35

If he didn't want to put his shoes on it suggests that he likes being there.

worraliberty · 15/09/2011 23:37

I'm leaning towards firm to loud voice too

If you have a Nursery to run you can hardly smile and whisper sweetly at disobedient kids.

CocktailQueen · 15/09/2011 23:58

But you were there for 20 mins looking at what they'd done, before you tried to put shoes on???? I'd pick up kids and leave asap, no looking at stuff they'd done - they're running a business! But agree she should have told you this rather than shouting at son -if that's what she did: perhaps she used firm voice instead???