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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my neighbour to fuck off and mind her own business?

107 replies

QuietTiger · 15/09/2011 12:04

Long story short, I am 8 weeks pregnant - a very much planned and long awaited pregnancy, following a lot of heartache last year when it was thought I had ovarian cancer. DH and I are over the moon about the pregnancy.

DH is a farmer and logically, as a result, I live on a large farm in a rural village. I have 9 rescue cats (4 of whom are very shy/feral), as well as 4 dogs, several horses, a pig, sheep and chickens as well as over 100 cows. (This is relevant).

My neighbour, a retired kidney transplant surgeon, knows about my pregnancy, as she was the one to give advice over the ovarian cancer issue and when I got the BFP, I rang her to let her know the good news.

She has, however, taken it upon herself to give me pregnancy advice. I'm pretty much of the opinion that everyone is going to give me advice about the pregnancy as they learn about it and I can just keep the advice I want and let it the rest wash over me.

My neighbour doesn't like cats. She doesn't hate them, but to her, they should live outside and "know their place". My cats certainly DON'T "know their place" and rule my house with iron paws. Grin DH and I have agreed that when the baby arrives, we will keep the cats out of the babies room and will take precautions with cot nets etc. As far as I am concerned, DH and I have it covered. The cats are staying, and we will not disrupt their lives anymore than we have to with the arrival of the baby. We're obviously going to use common sense, but this is their home too.

This isn't good enough for my neighbour. The first time she "popped over for a chat", she sat on my sofa and told me "I must get rid of the cats, it's worth getting rid of them for a baby". I was polite (i didn't want to offend) and said it was something DH and I would think about for about 10 seconds before I said no fucking way, to DH

The second time (last week), she "popped over for coffee" and sat on my sofa and said "shall I call the shelter so you can get the cats rehomed, I'll do it now if you want". no, you stupid bitch, if I want to rehome my cats, which I don't, I'll use my own extensive rescue contacts thanks very much I again was polite (small village, very few people) and said that at the moment, DH and I were happy to keep the cats while we assessed things.

Yesterday, she "popped in" again. This time she told me that she'd spoken "her friends who were vets" (yes, I know the vet, she is the daughter of another neighbour) who has agreed to PTS the 4 shy cats "to get them off my hands". I told her that I would deal with my own cats, thanks very much, and that I certainly wouldn't be murdering any. She then got huffy, called me unreasonable and informed me that a number of other people agreed with her. Hmm

I am now beyond livid. I want to tell her to fuck off, then fuck off some more now be blunt rather than polite. DH has advised that I tread carefully, because I live in Stepford the village is a small, tight community and I need to be tactful so that relationships aren't strained too much because she carries a lot of clout within the village. (Unfortunately he's right).

Quite apart from me, DH, the GP's (both mine and DH's parents) and my cats vet, are all in agreement that I am perfectly reasonable to keep my cats, providing we take precautions when LO arrives and make adaptations. (e.g. no cats in the babys room). I'm also experienced and trained in cat behaviour, so it's not as if I'm an "ignorant" pet owner.

DH does the litter boxes, I use latex gloves when doing anything remotely "animal care duties". (That includes cleaning out the chickens and ferret, and dog-poo patrol BTW - of which the neighbour has made absolutely no mention).

I know I'm not being unreasonable, my neighbour is, but how the hell do I tell her to fuck off mind her own business politely? I actually need help here!

OP posts:
Oeufman · 17/09/2011 19:05

Our 4 kids were reared with (deep breath).... 2 dogs, 5 cats, 12 hens, 2 geese and a parrot! All happy and healthy (kids and animals). No allergies, very little illness.

Our cats adored the babies, our big ginger boy would fall asleep on the hood of our big traditional silver cross pram. When the baby woke he would lean over top of hood to say hi to baby and see what was up. Always brought a smile to the kids eye! we obviously took sensible precautions, and would never have left a baby alone with any of the animals.

Our dog however took her parenting role very seriously - producing breast milk as the baby arrived home! A quick visit to the vet would dry her out!

Our animals have added a wealth of love and empathy to our kids life. They live together in a haze of busyness, boldness and fun! Wouldn't change them for the world.

SecretNutellaFix · 17/09/2011 19:24

If you had cats for as long as you have, it's quite possible you have already had Toxoplasmosis.

I think she really needs to wind her neck in. Perhaps you should also have a word with the vet and tell her you do not wish for your private affairs to be spoken about to any other villagers, especially your neighbour.

mummymccar · 17/09/2011 19:24

This woman is completely outrageous! I'm pregnant too and have 3 cats. When we told our parents we were pregnant (at the same time) one of the first questions we got was 'when will you be getting rid of your cats?'
Luckily the hormones were on my side that day so I very clammy told them all that
'the cats are part of our family. We will not be getting rid of them. This will not be discussed further and we will not change our minds. If you wish to see the baby then you will see the cats at the same time. If you don't wish to see the cats then you won't be seeing the baby either.'
Harsh but they haven't mentioned it since.
This woman has no regard for your feelings so why spare hers?
Congratulations on your pregnancy! Hope you aren't feeling too rough. It does pass!

Mitmoo · 17/09/2011 19:27

You could offer to let them have all of them if she is so concerned. Actually scratch that, she is so keen to have them pts, I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her. Back to stuck record or being more "frank".

Nanny0gg · 17/09/2011 19:32

Is she going to get the cows rehomed as well?

Mad as a loon.

Congratulations btw!

twotesttickles · 17/09/2011 19:35

I think she's bad for your blood pressure, have a word with the village GP, see if he can have her PTS.

pollyblue · 17/09/2011 19:41

Congrats on your pregnancy!

I had 5 cats when DD1 was born, the oldest one had died by the time my twins came along. The children all adore the cats and they all muddle along just fine. No allergies, no illnesses, nothing. It sounds like you're taking a very sensible approach (DH doing litter box etc) and your neighbour is an interfering loon.

In your shoes I'd simply draw myself up to my full height and politely but in a no-sh*t way, say "I am not rehoming my cats" and carry on saying it, ad nauseaum, every time the subject comes up......

AnitaBlake · 17/09/2011 19:44

Never had any sort of problem with our cats and my daughter, who was super-tiny when she came home, the cats never once attempted to get in the moses baskets and oddly don't try to sleep in her cot. It seems they all have a healthy mutual respect for each other.

My lunatic girl-cat has actually calmed down since Daughter arrived. She's much less nervous around people, and cares for the baby, allowing her to pull her all over. The closest we got to an 'incident' was when DD pulled her tail particularly hard and she kind of hissed at her, but kept purring and just kind of wandered off in the end.

Ignore your neighbour she's clearly bonkers!

aliceliddell · 17/09/2011 19:52

I was guarded by a cat when I was a baby in my pram. Apparently, it arched its back and did the hard stare to 'intruders'. It failed to smother/scratch/infect me. My cat was fine with dd, in spite of hysterical, interfering concerned out-laws. Bet yours are the same. Congrats to you all.

QuietTiger · 17/09/2011 19:56

TBH, The neighbour doesn't have a hope of having any influence regarding my cats.

Especially when my first word as a baby was "cat" and my second was "meow". Grin. "Dada" came after "dog"!

OP posts:
purplewednesday · 17/09/2011 21:17

Drs make their day to day decisions based upon peer reviewed evidence.

Ask her for some evidence to back up her suggestions to remove the cats...

AmanitaVirosa · 17/09/2011 21:18

I've read the whole thread and agree that she is utterly bonkers. However... how close (proximal) a neighbour is she? Could this be to do with the cats annoying her by shitting in her garden, persecuting the birds that she feeds, etc?

That would make more sense to me, that she was thinking "Ooh she's pregnant maybe I can persuade her to get rid of the murderous foul arsed critters at last...".

porcamiseria · 17/09/2011 21:19

how odd! she hates cats eh? yanbu

cerealqueen · 17/09/2011 21:42

Solely on the basis that you live in small community and she has been helpful in the past, just smile sweetly, say you've got it covered and change the subject. Then get a photo of her, stick it on a dartboard and throw darts at it.

Have a happy pregnancy!

oldraver · 17/09/2011 21:49

Is she serious that a vet has agreed to PTS your cats just on her say so ? I would be having words with the vets if this was really the case. Maybe an innocent conversation along the lines of ... Mrs Surgeon mad bint has got it onto her head my cats are a risk and you have agreed to PTS, ha ha but surely she is mistaken and you wouldn't really agree to that ?

Indaba · 17/09/2011 22:21

What does PTS mean?

Sorry for being think!

Indaba · 17/09/2011 22:22

Thick I meant thick...and am not even on the Wine

gurgling · 17/09/2011 22:26

I think maybe you should not see this as a criticism. Some people would just be worried by 9 cats and a baby - because they're not farm folk. She thinks she's helping.

Caliphora · 17/09/2011 22:38

If you want something to REALLY freak her out, I can send you a picture of me as a little baby, safely curled up in my playpen/daybed with 7 kittens, 1 cat mother, 1 springer spaniel and a Swedish Jamthund (furry tailed puppydog trained to kill wolverines).

(snort)

Some people.

Mitmoo · 18/09/2011 07:03

Indaba it's put to sleep. Shock

DownbytheRiverside · 18/09/2011 07:57

I would seriously try and put some space between your family and this neighbour.
She obviously doesn't have enough going on in her life, and if she's this interfering now, she will be so much more intrusive when the baby actually arrives, unless you start training her now.
I know that many consider it cruel, but have you considered a water pistol?

DownbytheRiverside · 18/09/2011 07:58

On her I mean, your cats are no problem.

catsmother · 19/09/2011 14:30

Relieved to read about your DH coming over all he-man and putting her in her place. Let's hope that's the end of it. My duaghter's first word was a very distinct "cat" too !

AandK · 19/09/2011 16:03

Well you can tell her how many people now agree with you. Cheeky wench!!!

Why do people feel the need to comment peoples lives like this when it doesn't affect their own life.

Everyone is entitled to their opinion (luckily enough in my case as I like to voice mine) but thats it voice how you feel then leave it but don't try and run other peoples lives Xx

SummerRain · 19/09/2011 16:14

When ds2 was born we had 4 cats and 5 kittens in the house.

The kittens used to climb into his bouncy seat with him and snuggle up Grin

As long as you keep bedroom doors closed when baby is sleeping unsupervised to avoid over enthusiatic cats from getting a bit too snuggly there will be no problem, and I feel the need to point out the biggest danger from isn't even remotely that the baby will suffocate but rather that baby will be woken up which is a very bad thing.... the worse scenario I can envisage is that the cat may start kneading and the baby will thump it in the face and both parties will be annoyed and yowling.

Most cats hate babies and will go out of their way to stay away from them. Some love them and will put up with all manner of abuse from grabby babies. And you'd be surprised which ones go which way.... the shyest, oddest cat we have only lives here because she was one of the kittens we had when ds2 was tiny and she became so obsessed with him we couldn't bear to part them.