To tell my neighbour to fuck off and mind her own business?

[QuietTiger]

Long story short, I am 8 weeks pregnant - a very much planned and long awaited pregnancy, following a lot of heartache last year when it was thought I had ovarian cancer. DH and I are over the moon about the pregnancy.

DH is a farmer and logically, as a result, I live on a large farm in a rural village. I have 9 rescue cats (4 of whom are very shy/feral), as well as 4 dogs, several horses, a pig, sheep and chickens as well as over 100 cows. (This is relevant).

My neighbour, a retired kidney transplant surgeon, knows about my pregnancy, as she was the one to give advice over the ovarian cancer issue and when I got the BFP, I rang her to let her know the good news.

She has, however, taken it upon herself to give me pregnancy advice. I'm pretty much of the opinion that everyone is going to give me advice about the pregnancy as they learn about it and I can just keep the advice I want and let it the rest wash over me.

My neighbour doesn't like cats. She doesn't hate them, but to her, they should live outside and "know their place". My cats certainly DON'T "know their place" and rule my house with iron paws. DH and I have agreed that when the baby arrives, we will keep the cats out of the babies room and will take precautions with cot nets etc. As far as I am concerned, DH and I have it covered. The cats are staying, and we will not disrupt their lives anymore than we have to with the arrival of the baby. We're obviously going to use common sense, but this is their home too.

This isn't good enough for my neighbour. The first time she "popped over for a chat", she sat on my sofa and told me "I must get rid of the cats, it's worth getting rid of them for a baby". I was polite (i didn't want to offend) and said it was something DH and I would think about for about 10 seconds before I said no fucking way, to DH

The second time (last week), she "popped over for coffee" and sat on my sofa and said "shall I call the shelter so you can get the cats rehomed, I'll do it now if you want". no, you stupid bitch, if I want to rehome my cats, which I don't, I'll use my own extensive rescue contacts thanks very much I again was polite (small village, very few people) and said that at the moment, DH and I were happy to keep the cats while we assessed things.

Yesterday, she "popped in" again. This time she told me that she'd spoken "her friends who were vets" (yes, I know the vet, she is the daughter of another neighbour) who has agreed to PTS the 4 shy cats "to get them off my hands". I told her that I would deal with my own cats, thanks very much, and that I certainly wouldn't be murdering any. She then got huffy, called me unreasonable and informed me that a number of other people agreed with her.

I am now beyond livid. I want to tell her to fuck off, then fuck off some more now be blunt rather than polite. DH has advised that I tread carefully, because I live in Stepford the village is a small, tight community and I need to be tactful so that relationships aren't strained too much because she carries a lot of clout within the village. (Unfortunately he's right).

Quite apart from me, DH, the GP's (both mine and DH's parents) and my cats vet, are all in agreement that I am perfectly reasonable to keep my cats, providing we take precautions when LO arrives and make adaptations. (e.g. no cats in the babys room). I'm also experienced and trained in cat behaviour, so it's not as if I'm an "ignorant" pet owner.

DH does the litter boxes, I use latex gloves when doing anything remotely "animal care duties". (That includes cleaning out the chickens and ferret, and dog-poo patrol BTW - of which the neighbour has made absolutely no mention).

I know I'm not being unreasonable, my neighbour is, but how the hell do I tell her to fuck off mind her own business politely? I actually need help here!

I think (considering she was a supportive to you before and the community you live in) you need to be firm with her.

You don't need to justify how or why you are keeping the cats or what your arrangements will be when baby comes but I think you should say something along the lines of "I don't want to fall out with you because you were a tremendous support to me before but I am not going to get rid of any of my cats or other pets because I am pregnant, can we agree to disagree on this without any bad feeling because when you suggest I have my pets PTS or rehomed it is upsetting me and I am not going to do it anyway".

You will have told her clearly what you are doing and that you valued her support but drawn a line about where the boundaries lie.

If she raises the subject again you can interrupt her mid-flow and say "Remember we agreed to disagree and not to go over old ground didn't we" in a jovial way.

Good luck!

PS. I think there must have been a spate of cat smothering infants incidents in the 1960/70s as lots of the older generation think cats aren't good pets with babies, I have a fair few friends with babies and cats and on the whole I think cats keep a wide berth from the wailing creature that invades their homes ;-)

Firstly, let me say I lean toward Dogs approach which in RL usually gets me into a lot of trouble. Anyhow, is it all possible that her attitude towards your DCats is as a result of an actual experience she's had with her own children?

In small town rows I find getting the local hairdresser or lady in the village shop on side usually swings the balance.

In small villages you really need to tread carefully, (unless you plan on moving). I think just be very, very understanding and grateful for the concern, but clearly say you've decided to keep the cats, and that according to the latest medical advice this is not a problem, in fact, that growing up with pets is beneficial to children. :)

Hahaha, my mum's neighbour once suggested to my mum that she should have her cat put down after she was hit by a car (and successfully treated by the vet, leading to a full recovery). My grandmother (who actually loathes cats, but was a fiesty sort) marched herself round there shaking her fist and bellowed at the neighbour, "WE'LL HAVE YOU PUT DOWN!!!"

Sorry, this thread just reminded me of it!

We have 2 cats and neither of them went near DD until she was close to 12 months old (she's now 16 months). In the last week they have taken to sleeping in her cot (whilst she's not there, in the daytime) - !!! Have no idea why they have only just discovered this new lovely bed, it's been there for a year and a half...

Those feral cats, are they toilet trained?

Can you talk to your local vets and farmers and anyone else she is likely to talk to, just to find out if they really expect nice healthy but shy cats to be put down when someone is pregnant, so that if she buttonholes you again you can say 'but when I spoke to x, y and z they were very surprised at the thought of putting down or rehoming lovely healthy cats just because of a pregnancy/new baby - like me they would just have a cat net for the cot etc etc. I still can't understand why you are so fixated on this'.

My sis lives on a farm and her husband farms a lot of sheep so she had the doc and her MIL tell her about keeping away from anything sheepy - which actually worked out quite well for her as it meant her dh had to start doing his own washing of his stinky farm overalls so she didn't have to handle it And she was feeling so rough anyway from working and having a miserable pregnancy that any little extra bit of help from her dh was great - he can be lovely when other people are around but he does tend to think that he lives in Stepford the 50s and that because he works hard on the farm then when he comes in he deserves to collapse and be waited on hand and foot, wife does everything. Forgetting that if wife has had a long day in the office and a 90 minute commute along a horrible road in each direction then she is likely to be knackered too. Doubly so if she is pregnant. And luckily it was her MIL that was reminding him that he needed to do all his washing and washing down his mucky areas otherwise I suspect he'd have just have expected my sis to ignore the doc and risk it regardless (and regardless of how much help she needed). sorry, that's a rant for a different thread.

good luck dealing with her - but it definitely feels like you need to get to the bottom of why she is SO fixated on this - so that you can base your response around neutralising her fears otherwise it sounds like she is just going to carry on with her war.

quintessentialist - the "feral" cats are toilet-trained in so far as they use the litter box, yes. They're also, not so much feral per say, more shy except when morons want to kill them, when they are downright invisible

emsyj - can I borrow your grandmother?

My first response would be to tell her to sod off, and that as I was more likely to leave the farm to the cats then her, this was their domain not hers. I am a big pet person, and consider them to be as much a part of the family as anyone else (in actual fact I prefer my dogs to several family members).
However, if she oculd cause trouble for you just say "we are keepign the cats, but thats for the consideration", and then change the subject. To be honets she sounds bossy as anythign and will probably take the hump if you do nto do what she says, but do not give her ammunition.

I do not have words enough to express how absolutely fekkin livid I'd be if someone made arrangement to have my cats put to sleep. Words fail me.

QuietTiger, if she pops in for a coffee again today, please let us know what she says so we can all get livid on your behalf again discuss it in a measured way

I have known many women like your neighbour - they are so used to doing things because other people "can't run their own lives", that they fail to to realise that, errr, it's not actually true. I take it she is single, posh (or at least relatively so) and in a caring profession? Or very horsey?

I am gobsmacked at the cheek of some people... stand your ground! My mum had 4 children in 6 years, dogs, chickens and (dare I say it!!!) SEVEN cats... and we were/are all fine :)

CONGRATS on your pregnancy... we've been trying for 10 years and have not been successful... I can understand that after your long wait for a child, and the cancer scare, the LAST thing you need is an interfering neighbour... because there is a difference between being a helpful neighbour and an interfering one... I just don't think some people get that.

Bring the hens or the pig into the kitchen next time she 'pops in' That should give her something to talk about... Then tell her straight that no animals will be going anywhere. Then change the subject & keep it changed.
then tell her to fuck off

I'd be even more pissed off that she's spreading rumours your cats have FIV. That would be my starting point for bringing her up on it. "Please do not tell lies about the health of my animals. People are (understandably) nervous of an illness like FIV, when in truth there is no reason for anyone to worry about my cats. They are very healthy, and do NOT need putting down."

Imagine if she'd spread a rumour like that about a person? Bitch.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Does she do this to everyone? Might she actually be quite well known in the village for 'advising' pregnant ladies to get rid of their cats? Did she see The Aristocats at a formative age?

I would smile and treat it almost like a running joke ("Here we go again... What now? Have you arranged a package holiday for my cats?") but I can see how that might just inflame her further. I suppose it makes a change from her imagining the dogs are going to eat the baby.

Congratulations on your baby, it's lovely news. As for the neighbour, she needs a bit of PTS herself. Your choice, your cats.
My party line, when I rarely need it, is "We've had a family discussion, the decision is made, it's not up for debate any more". Repeat ad infinitum/nauseum till the message sinks in.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, you neighbour sounds like a real dipshit I am afraid!

We live in the country as well and I can appreciate your worries about not falling out with her, but unfortunately I don't have any advice on how you can deal with this.

If it helps DD is 3.5 months old we have 1 cat, 4 dogs and 4 horses and have had absolutely no problems. The dogs love her, in fact we have to restrict them to licking only her feet otherwise they would be all over her, the cat is also extremely attached to her (as you already mention you have to be reasonably careful the cat doesn't try to sleep on the baby but it is perfectly manageable) and even the horses love sniffing her. Our animals are veryused to 'new arrivals' to the pack and are always welcoming.

Regarding toxo if you take precautions around cat faeces, again it's a manageable risk and you can also have the cats and yourself tested (despite 38 years of cat ownership I had no toxo antibodies, which shows you how much cleaner our cats are now). We keep on top of flee and worm treatment for everyone, but we would do that anyway. Finally if you do a Google Scholar search there are endless studies showing that indoor dogs and cats during the babies first few years are a great way of avoiding asthma later on! So rub that in your neighbour's face!

I live in a small village too, but when people say they have 'clout' in a village it usually means they're simply gossips who'll start chinese whispers... you counter those by talking to another gossip, it all becomes rather tiresome, and it all becomes rather amusing.

If your neighbour's vet phones to you arrange their murder collection you have to tell her very politely that you've no intention of getting rid of the cats and are taking reasonable precautions as your unborn baby is the absolute priority... then add that there must have been some mis interpretation because you're never intended getting rid. Leave it at that, you neighbour will look a lemon, but you'll not have said anything remotely rude to warrant any flack.

Its your village too. The only way to truly 'carry clout' in a village is to be involved with the parish council, is that something you'd consider? Usually if you're prefectly pleasant and engaging, any gossip or raised eyebrows are quickly subdued by the sheer fact that its obvious the gossip is a crock of shit.

And..... HUGE congratulations on your pregnancy!! Don't let anything ruin it.

You are obviously an intelligent and responsible animal owner - how bloody dare she !

I don't see any concern at all .... your pregnancy seems to be an excuse to persuade you to get rid of animals which, by the sounds of it, she objects to .... and if you don't take this so-called friendly "advice" it'd seem that she's going to blacken your name anyway by spreading FIV rumours.

If I were you I'd speak to the same vet she spoke to and make it very clear that under no circumstances are any of your cats to be PTS should they co-incidentally appear at their surgery ... I really wouldn't put it past the mad cow to turn up there on some stupid pretext. I'd also think about microchipping them if they aren't already because my understanding is that vets scan cats before any medical procedure if they're brought in by someone who's not their owner and that of course would reveal that they were definitely yours and not some "stray" she'd found. Shame on her for daring to make those sorts of enquiries ... would definitely fire a warning shot across that vet's bow !

Like so many others here I've had cats all my life AND been pregnant with no problems. Once she's imparted basic advice it's really none of her business anyway even if you did take risks.

We had the same experience when I was pregnant. My mother AND my MIL both agreed that our two cats should be re-homed. In my hormonal state, I cried every time it was brought up. My mother had two cats when pregnant with me and my MIL had a large dog!

We did exactly as you have done and taken all sensible precautions. If we had found that there was a problem after we brought our DS home, then it may have been something we had to reconsider and accepted that we might have to do this. However, as territorial animals, they very quickly accepted that the baby was not for them and treated him with the usual feline disdain.

I found it very hard to be tactful with mum and MIL about this topic, because it made me incredibly cross. I became a big fan of the phrase "Thanks for your concern, but it's not up for discussion" and then changed the subject at lightening speed.

Good luck.

I used to encourage my cat to sit on the end of dd1's pram while she was in it . It was the only thing in the world that would stop her screeching during that hour or 5.

Silly woman. Forget being polite. Tell her to fuck off.

Congratulations.

Oh yes, and dd1 is now and 8 and aside from a slight obession with cats and kittens, which I think is normal, she is fine.

Perhaps you could visit her for coffee, and while perching on her sofa, just give her the fixed grin, while lovingly stroking your chainsaw that you just happened to have with you?

QT's farmhouse is a delight, her animals are gorgeous and her standards of cleanliness and husbandry are exemplary. I can also confirm that the village is populated mainly by loons/could have come straight from a novel/ is Royston Vasey. In fact, is a typical small village.

Scuttlebutter you're making me blush, but thank you.

DH took the situation in hand last night. Neighbour in question "popped over" for a "friendly chat" and started on the whole "cat thing" again. This time DH was there - I don't think he quite believed me when I told him what happened the first few times, because he's known the neighbour 20+ years and he'd never seen her behave like this before. As Scuttlebutter will tell you, my DH is very quiet and mild mannered. Except when his wife is upset about her cats...

He's told her never to mention the subject again. He also told her that if she has an issue with our cats (not the dogs, ferret, horses, pig or cows, BTW) then that's her problem, not ours and that he'll (note "he", LOL!) make the decisions best placed for our cats welfare, thanks very much, which doesn't include rehoming them. But then, as DH said, this is the woman who told me I was mad for spending £2,000 on a vet bill for one of our boy cats who injured himself, when I should have just put him to sleep, so I can't expect her to understand their role in our lives.

For DH to get involved and be rude like that, which is very uncharacteristic of him, he must have been very pissed off. But then, the neighbour in question also "threatened" his beloved Squeaky-moo, our tortoiseshell feral who adores her daddy...

My DH is fab. :)

QuietTiger - have you considered contacting the refuge to see if they can rehome your neighbour?

I think you have shown super-human restraint in not clobbering her repeatedly - how dare she arrange to have someone else's pets put to sleep? I am furious on your behalf (to spare your blood pressure)!

As someone has already said use the stuck record technique, it's excellent.

"Thank you for your opinion, but it's decision for hubby and I"

She spouts you repeat

"Thank you for your opinion, but it's decision for hubby and I"

She spouts you repeat

"Thank you for your opinion etc......"

The silly old goat neighbour will run out of steam.