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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To call my dp up on drinking two bottles of wine when I'm on antidepressants - update

43 replies

alwaysblue · 14/09/2011 14:47

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1292420-To-call-my-dp-up-on-drinking-two-bottles-of-wine-when-Im-on-antidepressants

so i started that thread a week or so ago - now something else has happened and id appreciate your pov as ive honestly lost all perspective on dps drinking.

so last night he went out and said he intended to be home by 12. fair enough i wasnt really bothered what time hed be back as i knew id be in bed regardless. so he cam home in the very small hours, i was asleep in spare room with ds, 18 months. i went in to get him to go to work (we drive in together, with ds) and hes asleep on the floor (i had heard a thud earlier on, presuming now that was him falling out of bed) hardly able to string two word together. so i went and got me and ds changed and eventually went back and told him hed have to move his car off the drive, so i could take my car to work. after much messing he eventually found keys. he was still atrociously drunk, his speech was unrecognisable and even his face looked different iyswim. he had to move his car so i could get out as i cant drive his car. so he moves out, i pull out and wait for him to pull back in the drive so ican drive past and he reverses right in to me.

last year he was out with a friend and they both got horribly drunk and stayed out all night (he came home at 9am) i later found out drugs had been involved that night and the friend he was out with was found unconscious on the side of the road and taken to hospital.

aibu in thinking a 31yr old father shouldnt really be carrying on like this. it disgusts me to think of ds seeing him like that.

sorry its long

OP posts:

Original poster

alwaysblue · 14/09/2011 14:49

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1292420-To-call-my-dp-up-on-drinking-two-bottles-of-wine-when-Im-on-antidepressants

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 14/09/2011 14:50

YABU asking him to move the car when he was as pissed as a fart.

Why did you do that?

Shinyshoes1 · 14/09/2011 14:52

agreed. You shouldn't have made him move his car. How irresponsible

zelda1982 · 14/09/2011 14:52

agree with zigzag. was your ds in your car? you will now need new car seats for both cars.

MumblingRagDoll · 14/09/2011 14:52

He's obviously got a proble but asking him to drive was silly. Why cant you drive his car?

aldiwhore · 14/09/2011 14:54

My husband and I like a drink, but we're careful if its a work/school day purely because we'd be over the limit the next day. Occassionally, very occassionally one of us will go out on a school night, and probably ONCE come home in a state (and years ago too).

I think it depends how much it happens.

Once this year and once last year? It doesn't sound excessive to me, but I'd still be annoyed, apart from anything else its just not nice to witness.

I haven't read your previous thread, but will say, when DH had depression after an accident (off work for 18months, lost all his clients, understandable really) I discovered just how tough it is to live with someone who has depression - I already knew how hard it was to have it, but had never given the other side much thought - and I needed to go out, and when I did I got steaming rotten drunk a few times. Its not nice, but sometimes you need a blow out.

He should never have come home in that state, he should not have attempted to move the car, you should have taken his car.

Original poster

alwaysblue · 14/09/2011 14:55

i couldnt get my car out of drive and i needed to go to work. i understand it was probably the wrong thing to do to ask him to move it but i couldnt see an alternative at the time and i was under pressure to get in to work.

OP posts:

Shinyshoes1 · 14/09/2011 14:56

I often drink 2 bottles of wine in one sitting, I'm greedy like that, but I don't do it every night.

Is his drinking a problem to you?

How long has he been drinking like this? Is it since the birth of your baby? Before that? always? Recently?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/09/2011 14:56

When alcohol is affecting someone's ability to live a normal life i.e. get up for work in the morning and be able to manoevre a car a few feet, then it's a problem. If he thinks caning two bottles of wine in an evening is normal, it's a problem. If going out with friends getting blind drunk is a frequent occurrence, it's a problem If If you suspect it goes beyond alcohol and into drugs, that would be a worse problem. And if he thinks none of this is a problem, it's a problem. It has nothing to do with his age or his parental status....

AgentZigzag · 14/09/2011 14:57

You could say in answer to my question that you've answered it saying 'he had to move his car so i could get out as i cant drive his car'.

But you not being able to drive his car isn't enough to justify him driving when he was drunk.

And as you were the one who was sober, I can't think what was in your mind.

itisnearlysummer · 14/09/2011 14:58

Why would you insist your drunk dp drive the car? Why didn't you play musical cars for a few minutes so that you could move them both? Or take his car?

Sounds like you were trying to make a bit of a point by making him get up and do it and now it's backfired!

Original poster

alwaysblue · 14/09/2011 14:58

shiny - yes, his drinking is a problem for me , because hes awful when hes drunk. for him, its a release and i understand that, but i think the problem is he doesnt know when to stop. but i am aware that i am a bit oversensitive about it cos i have basically stopped drinking since my ds was born as we basically co sleep.

OP posts:

Original poster

alwaysblue · 14/09/2011 15:02

zigzag - in retrospect, yes it was wrong for me to ask him to move his car. it is a quiet cul de sac and there was no one on the street.

had i not done so both of us would have had to miss work cos of his night out. obvioulsy that wouldve been better than had an accident occurred due to him moving his car

OP posts:

HairyGrotter · 14/09/2011 15:06

I grew up with an alcoholic father, rest assured, it's shit. Get it sorted.

AgentZigzag · 14/09/2011 15:06

Like Zelda, I'm wondering where your DS was when you were swapping the cars over alwaysblue?

Shinyshoes1 · 14/09/2011 15:07

When you say he is awful when he is drunk, in what way, is he abusive, violent ? Does he throw things?

I wouldn't in anyway have him in the same bed as you and your child when he is completely blotto, you are setting your child up for a possible accident. He could unknowingly puke in the bed, roll onto the child, smother the child someway accidentally. Make him sleep on the sofa or do you have a spare room? Make a bed up in there and make sure he sleeps in it.

Original poster

alwaysblue · 14/09/2011 15:08

zigzag, he was in his highchair in the kitchen, if thats ok with you.

im not looking to get into a row with you over this - youve pointed out iwbu to ask him to move the car, and ive said to you that yes in retrospect i was.

OP posts:

Original poster

alwaysblue · 14/09/2011 15:09

shiny- he doesnt sleep with the baby , i do, in teh spare room. he looks for arguments, says horrible things, eg has called me a cunt.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 14/09/2011 15:14

No need to get snippy alwaysblue, I don't think it's an unreasonable question to ask.

Shinyshoes1 · 14/09/2011 15:15

well talk to him when he is sober as you're not going to get any sense out of him when he's had a drink. Tell him how he is and how it makes you feel.

You say that he drinks 2 bottles a night but is he drunk, I mean not legally in the bloodstream over the limit drunk, but incoherent drunk, nasty drunk.

if he's being doing this for a while to be honest 2 bottles wouldn't make him drunk, he'd be too used to it.

How often does he get drunk like you've described. If this is the 2nd time in 2 years, I'd tell him his a fucking idiot and let the man sort himself out, if he's getting drunk daily he needs help?

It's good sense you sleep in the spare room

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/09/2011 15:21

I think all the comments about 'why did you let him drive the car?' and 'where was the baby' are missing the point. You've posted twice about his excessive alcohol consumption and the bad behaviour that goes with it. It's clearly upsetting you. It happens in many relationships that fun-loving boy meets fun-loving girl and, when they have kids, the boy carries on behaving in the same way and the girl grows up. That's when a relationship can 'grow apart' because they have different priorities.

The choices are something like this. You wait for him to grow out of it. You have long discussions about expectations of behaviour, responsibility, setting an example... modifying as necessary. He accepts that alcohol is causing him problems (risking losing your job because you're too pissed to get out of bed is a problem) and gets help.

Original poster

alwaysblue · 14/09/2011 15:22

although he drinks often he does still get drunk quite easily. i should say that he doesnt always drink two bottles of wine, but if there is two bottles of wine in the house he will drink them. he cant leave it once its been opened basically.

id say eight times out of ten he'd get arsey, usually i just remove myself from the situation so it doesnt arise.
maybe his drinking isnt a problem to anyone but me, but maybe the fact that it is a problem to me, is a problem. iyswim??
he wont stop drinking, and i dont like him when hes drunk. thats it basically

OP posts:

onehellofaride · 14/09/2011 15:23

he sounds like a bit of an idiot but like others have said if this is the second time in as many years then he was probably stupid but that's about it. If it's happening every night/most nights then it really needs addressing and properly.

Why didn't you move his car? I shouldn't move my DH's van (not insured) however have had to do on a couple of occasions when he has been obviously over the limit. I would never have asked him to do it.

banana87 · 14/09/2011 15:27

Sorry, I cannot really see how your excuse of not being able to go to work if he didn't move his car is justified. Its a simple reverse-turn-pull back in action. Hardly going very fast or anywhere far.

Jins · 14/09/2011 15:33

Two bottles of wine is about 20 units. Half a bottle of Bacardi is 13.1 units

It's a huge amount to drink regularly and it does really need to be addressed somehow

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