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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm being told I abu but I think I'm not

45 replies

MumToTheBoy · 12/09/2011 20:32

basically a very close friend, who I have known for 8 years, decided to text me last week and tell me I talked too much the last time we met up and that she and our other close friend were fed up with me. She worded the text with 'don't want to upset but..'

I replied asking why neither of them had told me to shut up when we were out, rather than wait a week to tell me. She said she didn't want to upset me. I replied saying that I was upset, more that they had been talking about me behind my back than by what she had said (disclaimer: I DO talk too much but we've been friends so long it's not like they don't know that, and both of them talk too much as well, it's why we get on so well)

So she texts me saying if I'm upset I'm to ring her.

I did point out in my text that I always ring her to arrange meeting up and she NEVER rings me. She didn't reply to that. But now our other friend is saying I need to ring and sort this out. I still think that she should ring me, so I'm refusing to ring first. To be honest I don't know what I would say to her anyway if she did ring.

AIBU to think that as she knows she has upset me, she should ring me to apologise, rather than me ring her to say she upset me?

OP posts:

CouldIBEAnyMoreChaotic · 12/09/2011 20:34

Oh.

I think you need to phone her. (paragraph 3)

Do you enjoy being with these friends?

TidyDancer · 12/09/2011 20:35

I think the behaviour of your friend(s) is weird. And I don't think they're treating you like they value you. I'm not sure I'd want to continue a friendship when someone would text just to say that. It's very cowardly and they would know it would hurt you.

NinkyNonker · 12/09/2011 20:35

She doesn't sound very nice to be honest.

Flisspaps · 12/09/2011 20:36

So, you talk too much, but if you're upset then she wants you to phone her to talk about it?

TBH it all sounds a bit schoolgirl to me, but really they should have told you straight away to put a cork in it If she was that close a friend, she would have said something to you there and then, rather than texting you a week later.

FabbyChic · 12/09/2011 20:36

Turn it in to a joke, like "So I talk too much do I! What about you you old gas bag". That kind of thing.

clam · 12/09/2011 20:37

No, you absolutely should not ring her. Who does she think she is? If you're upset it's because of her actions, therefore she should be the one, if she's any sort of friend (which I doubt, tbh) to try and sort it out.

Skippyboo · 12/09/2011 20:37

You have two choices:

make a conscious effort to stop talking so much to please your "friends"

ditch your "friends"

(that's the polite version)

usualsuspect · 12/09/2011 20:38

I would ditch them tbh

takethisonehereforastart · 12/09/2011 20:40

Could there be something important going on that you don't know about?

If you are all usually big talkers, you've all known each other for years, and nobody usually minds everyone else talking "too much" then what might have changed to cause her to bring this up with you now.

Is there anything that could be going on, that she and your other friend know about, that she feels you didn't give her the chance to say?

Not that I think you are BU though. I'm just guessing and I think that she has been rude (at best passive-agressive) and you need to get to the bottom of it.

But it should be obvious to anybody that sending a text like that would upset the person on the receiving end of it. If nothing else is going on, it's her that should be ringing you to apologise.

lemonsquish · 12/09/2011 20:41

Surely, if they are your friends, they should like you for who you are. They know that you like to talk a lot and should accept that.

I agree that it sounds a bit immature.

smearedinfood · 12/09/2011 20:44

Just give yourself a break for a couple of weeks and catch up with other people. They will miss you and your chatter y'know

thisisyesterday · 12/09/2011 20:45

she sounds like a twat.
i talk too much. i would expect any of my friends to tell me to shut the fuck up, or start talking over me if I was banging on too much (and they do)

it's totally not on to text someone, upset them, then tell them to ring you if they're upset (esp when you already know they are because you're the one who upset them)

i would ignore. just don't text, don't call... nothing.

they aren't worth it. and if they actually care then they/she will ring and say sorry and you can sort it out

mumblechum1 · 12/09/2011 20:47

Hmm, seeing it from another point of view, I have an ex friend who dominated the conversation so much it was just really rude and irritating.

My rule of thumb is that if there are 4 people in the conversation you should be shutting tfup for three quarters of the time. My ex friend would literally bang on for 80% of the time. Hence the ex bit.

Claw3 · 12/09/2011 20:47

I remember a thread on here not so long ago, when someone posted about a friend who always dominated the conversation and she couldnt get a word in.

The advice on that thread was to tell the friend that she talked too much!

TheOriginalFAB · 12/09/2011 20:47

YANBU.

She has been annoyed with you, talked about it behind your back, sends you a mean text and gets her other mate to tell you you have to ring her.

And she is your friend because...?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 12/09/2011 20:47

Just how much do you talk? Because either she is a total cow, or you completely monopolise all conversations so that nobody can get a word in, perhaps interupt when others are talking?

If you do, then certainly work on that, because it really is horrible when someone basically just wants an audience, iyswim. I say this because when my husband is drunk he goes on and on and on and you just end up listening to him for hours. He doesn't want a conversation, he just wants to talk at you (note AT you, not TO you!) So if there's any change that you're like that - stop, please stop

However, if you're not - then she's being a bitch and you should just leave her to get on with it. Don't go chasing around after her, it's not worth it.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 12/09/2011 20:48

chance, not change.

Proudnscary · 12/09/2011 20:52

I don't think 'ditch your nasty friends' is a helpful response.

I also think it's rather naive to be upset that they were talking about you behind your back. Everyone talks about everyone behind their backs, it's human nature - AIBU wouldn't be so popular if people didn't talk about/gossip about/analyse each other!

I think it's probably something they've wanted to say for a while.

I have a v v close friend who absolutely sucks the life out of small social gatherings because she never stops talking, she's like a juggernaut and you can't seem to steer her on to a different course when she's on one.

Why don't you listen to what she's got to say. Maybe she's got a point. Maybe she hasn't but you'll never know if you don't hear her.

I do however think it was terribly rude and insensitive of her to do this by text.

frutilla · 12/09/2011 20:52

YANBU. It doesn't make sense that she would wait one week to let you know. It's a very hurtful thing to do. Wait for her to apologise....or at least text and say you're waiting for an apology.

RedHotPokers · 12/09/2011 20:53

If it were me I would probably text her to say 'fuck off'.

I know I talk too much. I try not too, but can't seem to help myself.
I know it can make me a bit annoying, and I am okay with my friends occasionally joking mentioning about it in good humour. However, I am, rightly or wrongly, a bit sensitive about it and if I'd received the text you did I would have been VERY upset, and pissed off.

OP YANBU. Ignore the bitch.

neolara · 12/09/2011 20:57

I started a thread a while ago about a someone I know who talks and talks and talks and doesn't listen to anyone else. A large number of people joined that thread and agreed with me that it is VERY annoying. In fact, I don't think anyone disagreed. We discussed possible ways of dealing with being in that situation. The general consensus seemed to be that on the whole it was very difficult as these people didn't seem to get the hint that they were being very annoying. Now obviously, I've never met you and you might not be one of the people who talk "at you" instead of "with you" but if you are, please, please, PLEASE think about what it is like for those of us who have to listen to a monologue for hours and hours and hours...... It can be very dull. And what's more, it can feel like the speaker really couldn't care less about the person they are talking to - any person will do, doesn't really matter who they are, provided they are an audience. Frankly quite disrespectful.

Sorry - bit of a bug bear of mine. And if I'm off the mark, I apologise profusely. But if it rings any bells, just something to think about.

sjuperwolef · 12/09/2011 21:00

ditch them, sounds to me like they will be getting some kind of kick out of you crawling back to them tbh - maybe not but ive been in this situation before and it sucks, better to walk away head held high than have a couple of immature 'women' laughing at you :(

i talk too much, i always have when im with people im comfortable around and over the years my friends have learnt to say ''hoy you woman shut the hell up im talking'' and ive not taken offence to it, if they were such good friends they wouldn't have waited a week to text.

Original poster

MumToTheBoy · 12/09/2011 21:01

I totally understand those of you who hav replied saying people who monopolise c

OP posts:

HairyGrotter · 12/09/2011 21:04

I'm going to be a little 'out there' with this but...

I don't think they like you

magicOC · 12/09/2011 21:05

U most def are NBU

Tell this other "friend" to pass the message on that you won't be calling her for fear of talking too much and having a huge bill at the end of the day

Jokes aside, why couldn't she either have a word there and then or call you herself? If she was a true friend that's what she should have done.

"Don't want to upset you, but...."

That text was guaranteed to upset you, she knew that. With friends like that, who needs enemies.

Cut your losses and find someone who will value you for YOU.

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