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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm being told I abu but I think I'm not

45 replies

MumToTheBoy · 12/09/2011 20:32

basically a very close friend, who I have known for 8 years, decided to text me last week and tell me I talked too much the last time we met up and that she and our other close friend were fed up with me. She worded the text with 'don't want to upset but..'

I replied asking why neither of them had told me to shut up when we were out, rather than wait a week to tell me. She said she didn't want to upset me. I replied saying that I was upset, more that they had been talking about me behind my back than by what she had said (disclaimer: I DO talk too much but we've been friends so long it's not like they don't know that, and both of them talk too much as well, it's why we get on so well)

So she texts me saying if I'm upset I'm to ring her.

I did point out in my text that I always ring her to arrange meeting up and she NEVER rings me. She didn't reply to that. But now our other friend is saying I need to ring and sort this out. I still think that she should ring me, so I'm refusing to ring first. To be honest I don't know what I would say to her anyway if she did ring.

AIBU to think that as she knows she has upset me, she should ring me to apologise, rather than me ring her to say she upset me?

OP posts:

Original poster

MumToTheBoy · 12/09/2011 21:07

Damn, pressed send by accident.

I agree that people who monopolise conversations are annoying but I m not one of those! Honest. In fact usually I am the quietest of the three of us.

My dh also pointed out that when I do speak to that friend on the phone I'm often sat in silence, just listening.

Part of me thinks if she rings we can maybe sort this out, but part of me doesn't want to speak to her again, it all seems too much hard work and not worth the hassle.

OP posts:

Claw3 · 12/09/2011 21:08

All this texting back and forth and no you phone me, no way you phone me kind of thing, is very childish. Does it really matter who phones who?

lechatnoir · 12/09/2011 21:18

If you think you (otherwise) have a genuinely good friendship & wouldn't want to lose them, then I'd text back saying something jokey like 'ok point taken & will curb my motor mouth in future but only if you promise to as well '

but, if you feel stressed/pissed off/down after you've spent time together or had a conversation, then chances are they feel the same & I'd take this as a perfect opportunity to ignore the message and shred the friend(s).

aldiwhore · 12/09/2011 21:25

You have some choice here. If you know you talk too much then they're not being unreasonable (though to tell you by text is unreasonable she was probably worried if she phoned you, you'd talk too much).

Of COURSE she's spoken about it 'behind your back' its niave to think no one does this, its not always 'two faced' or even 'bitchy' - example, a friend of ours puked in another friend's garden after a PTA night out (tres chavvy and unlady like) I and another, oooh at least 2 friends discussed this at great length. Much as we love our friend we were shocked, appaulled and it made for a hilarious conversation. Stop being precious.

You can either be the bigger person, phone her, and say, in a fewer words as possible, that you understand, accept and will try to be aware of your ramblings in future, but at the same time, the text really hurt your feelings, a phone call would have been better. She sounds a bit shit not to have phoned you in the first place, but its up to you who you're friends with, if its all one sided, find new friends.

Or you can have a hissy fit, ramble ad infinitum about how you actually don't talk all that much at all, and that they, as your friends should accept you the way you are, and by the way they're all twats and you never want to speak to them again - then explain in great detail why.

YANBU to be hurt. I talk too much and d'you know what? Its actually quite annoying for other people, its not all about you. Take the advice... whether you continue your friendship with these spineless knobbers or not is your call, but try and edit yourself.

Damn..... see? It's difficult. Perspective sweety. If they're right, they're stil wrong.

mumblechum1 · 13/09/2011 19:59

excellent advice there from aldiwhore

Stormwater · 13/09/2011 20:11

Do you think they met up, had a gossip, and sent the text while together, sort of egging each other on?

I'm not sure I could be friends with people who were so rude, and texted mean things out of the blue. I would find it really hard to trust their feelings for me again.

Even if it is true, and talking less is something you need to work on, They have dealt with the issue in a cruel way.

pigletmania · 13/09/2011 20:36

YANBU at all, I am that they spoke about you like that, I would not like to be friends with people that felt like that about me. As your friend has the issue, she should have the gumption to call you, its very rude asking you to phone her. Why should you do all the leg work.

pigletmania · 13/09/2011 20:37

My close friend tells me I talk to much, but she tells me to my face, and it so happens that she does too which I point out to her and her dd has told her so too. Her dd is a adult btw.

AbbyAbsinthe · 13/09/2011 20:49

I LOVE aldiwhore's post Perfect advice.

If you genuinely think that you're the quietest of the three of you, then they're being twats though. And you don't need to be friends with twats, now do you?

nomoreheels · 13/09/2011 20:54

I used to have a bad habit of finishing people's sentences, or starting my response before they'd had their say. (I've realised this came from my family, who do the same.) I was devastated when DP asked me to stop doing it around 8 years ago. He said that a few friends had made comments to him as well. Truly, truly embarrassed & gutted. He was fairly kind about how he said it though, unlike your friends. It's hard to hear these things.

sloggies · 13/09/2011 20:56

Not a great way to tell you, whether or not its true, only you know.
The texting thing is becoming more used to communicate things that should really be face to face. Bit of a cop-out IMO. People are even being dumped by text. Nice! Maybe because texting stuff is more Mainstream, IUSWIM, they did not entirely realise that it would hurt your feelings as much.

SarahStratton · 13/09/2011 20:59

Jesus, how old are they? Seriously, nobody needs friends like them. You'd be better off friendless. Like moi.

It's actually very liberating tbh.

Chundle · 13/09/2011 21:11

God your friends are rubbish! I talk loadssss and more when I'm pissed my mates sit there with their bored face on or will generally yell at me to shut up and we all have a laugh about it but texting you after they've spoke about it is wrong! Forget them and get yourself some proper chatterboxering mates :)

Flowerista · 13/09/2011 21:16

Well I'm a talker, I try to shut up, but I get so excited that I can't stop. I do try though.

If I got that text i'd still be smarting, in fact I can imagine my face burning and tears welling. It's just so mean of them (realise that makes me sound about 9). I think texting is so cowardly and the weapon of bullies. These are grown women FGS and it's not like talking is spiteful or offensive is it.

You're not BU to be upset. Can you forget about it? In which case call them if they would be a big loss to you. If you can't, you'll just have to call it a day.

avoider · 13/09/2011 21:18

I can't bear people who think it's ok to make personal criticisms. So you talk too much. I bet she picks her nose or wears stupid shoes. Friendship is about accepting someone warts and all to me. They sound like weirdos. You deserve better.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/09/2011 21:23

I like FabbyChic's 'gas bag' response. It's a good way of diffusing the tension.

OP... I'd really think about what you want as an outcome. If you're not bothered about these friends then I'd leave it - if you are then make the first move, somebody has to.

DoMeDon · 13/09/2011 21:24

It's all so childish but what aldi said is great advice.

pigletmania · 13/09/2011 21:24

I only have a few good friends, but boy are they wonderful people who would not do anything like this at all. Getting YOU to phone her, she is the one with the issue so she should phone you, really rude. I would just let go of the friendship, I would hate to be friends with people who see me like this, and would be constantly self conscious in their company. Good friends accept you as you are warts and all, and are honest to your face. I expect that they are not perfect either, and you could come up with faults with all of them, including this one.

Goofymum · 13/09/2011 21:32

I don't like your friends' attitudes at all. What were they expecting following the text? It sounds to me as though they are both saying "we are fed up that you dominate the conversation too much. We will only let you be our friend if you stop talking so much". I came across this sort of conditional friendship and ganging up at secondary school. You are an adult now and can choose your friends. Don't be afraid to never contact them again.

So you talk too much? They are probably just pissed off they cannot get as much airtime as they usually do.

ledkr · 13/09/2011 21:41

I talk too much too,i have so many interesting things to say tho my friends just take the piss out of me but in anice way. Id be really upset if they got together and discussed me and planned a strategy to dela with me. YADNBU. Stay on mn and you can talk all you like.Even my posts are longer than most.

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