Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to be sworn at by dh

44 replies

brandnewname · 11/09/2011 15:14

during arguments

have name changed for this one.

please do not tell me to go and post in relationships as everyone there will just say "leave him" which I do not want to do. I just want to know what is normal for couples (am assuming that there is a big spectrum so want to know what is on it IYSWIM).

When we argue (often - several times a week) dh will often shout fck off, fck off" many times and/or call me an f*cking bitch. He also sometimes invades my personal space whilst making very aggresive facial expressions but he has never actually hit me.

Is this on the "normal" spectrum? He does keep promising to stop but appears (after 15 years) still unable to. AIBU asking him to stop swearing? (Have bought him various books on anger management but he doesn't lik ewhat he refers to as psycobabble. Also I dont' want to drive him to a heart attack by making him "bottle it all up" too much.

OP posts:
SandStorm · 11/09/2011 15:17

No - this is not normal. My DH has never sworn at me in anger and I wouldn't ever expect him too.

I don't have much advice but maybe your DH needs to find some other outlet for his aggression? Disguise it as a hobby if you need to.

Sorry - not much help.

Deesus · 11/09/2011 15:18

Um, doesn't sound 'normal' to me. You have arguments like that several times a week??? That would seriously wear me down, esp after 15 years.

cheesesarnie · 11/09/2011 15:20

sadly for us it is normal.dh doesnt even need an arguement as an excuse.my language can be bad but id never direct it at him or the dc.

TadlowDogIncident · 11/09/2011 15:20

Of course this is not normal, and of course YANBU to ask him to stop swearing, but you know that. The question really is why you've put up with it for 15 years.

Is this a general problem - does he lose his temper with other people and swear at them? Or does he save it up for you? If the former, anger management might help, if the latter, it's worse than useless. He can control his temper, he just can't be bothered to because he doesn't respect you enough to do it.

Oh, and he won't have a heart attack just because he can't swear at you. There's a difference between never allowing yourself to express anger at all, which is genuinely bad for you, and restraining yourself from swearing at your spouse.

worraliberty · 11/09/2011 15:21

No, it's not normal in this house and I wouldn't put up with it...and definitely not for 15 years!

During an argument we stick to things like "That's stupid..or That's fucking stupid" but never You are stupid...because that's a different thing altogether and shows a proper lack of respect.

It's quite possible to argue and not insult each other personally.

MardyArsedMidlander · 11/09/2011 15:22

Being called a 'f*cking bitch' is not normal or acceptable. And he won't have a heart attack if he treats you with consideration/ 'bottles it up'!

I am presuming that during your fifteen years together he has held down a job without yelling abuse at his boss; not gone to prison for starting fights with complete strangers? Why then should he get away with treating the person he is supposed to love most in the world with such abuse?

vickibee · 11/09/2011 15:22

my DH swears and doesn't eeven realise he is doing it, just in normal conversation so it comes up in arguments too. I ignore and walk away and certainly don't retaliate

mumeeee · 11/09/2011 15:22

No that's not normal. DH and I do have arguments but not several times a week and he has never sworn at me.

TadlowDogIncident · 11/09/2011 15:22

Sorry, that didn't contain any helpful advice. My only suggestion is that you shouldn't engage with him at all when he does this - say something, very calmly, like "I asked you not to swear at me", and then leave the room.

troisgarcons · 11/09/2011 15:25

Just walk out of the room. But of course there is swearing and swearing. If he doesnt have the verbal dexterity to express himself adequately then he will swear.

Some relationships are highly volatile - don't think I could live in an arguementative atmosphere. But of course if it's all over in a flash and you are both explosive rather than sulkers then that's marginally better.

Again, personally, can't be doing with 'space invaders'. Someone will be along to tell you this infact DV blah blah - but if he was going to hit you he would have done so long before 15 years passed. he jsut doesnt have any idea of personal space boundaries. So walk away.

ButTBH if you are both at it hammer and tongs, I suspect you give as good as you get!

PS: Mind you I wouldnt take much note of advice on here. It's like a load of old gin addled fish wives effing and blinding - then affecting mock horror if a bloke dares swear.

diddl · 11/09/2011 15:25

YANBU.

My husband has never called me bitch or any other name.

I think once when he wasn´t listening I said "will you bloody well listen & give me an answer".

"Also I dont' want to drive him to a heart attack by making him "bottle it all up" too much."-Say what??

TidyDancer · 11/09/2011 15:33

Er, this is not normal or acceptable. It's actually a form of domestic abuse.

DP would never speak to me like that and he'd be out the bloody door with my toe up his arse if he did.

MardyArsedMidlander · 11/09/2011 15:34

I swear like a trooper - but there is a difference between that and swearing AT someone. And as for getting into your face not being DV because he 'hasn't hit you'- it's meant to be intimidating. He doesn't need to hit.

MogTheForgetfulCat · 11/09/2011 15:39

Good lord, I would be speechless with shock if DH spoke to me like that. Literally cannot imagine him calling me an effing bitch. You must be under a lot of strain being on the receiving end of that sort of abuse several times a week. YWDNBU to ask (or tell) him to stop speaking to you with such an utter lack of respect.

Andrewofgg · 11/09/2011 15:43

YANBU of course. I'm no angel and I'm not married to one, but we never swear at each other. About other people, at inanimate objects, yes, all the time, more than we should! but not at each other. We sometimes reach the diddl level but no higher. You need to take this seriously.

parakeet · 11/09/2011 16:06

My husband and I will occasionally swear at each other in a very bad argument (perhaps once every one to two months?) along the lines of "Oh fuck off" at which point the other person will get upset/angry and demand an apology. And they get it, if not straight away, then later.

If he regularly called me a fucking bitch, I'm sorry, I would leave.

HughJarseJr · 11/09/2011 16:07

never sworn at each other in 30+ years. I wouldnt stand for it frankly

HughJarseJr · 11/09/2011 16:08

Literally cannot imagine him calling me an effing bitch.

LOL that would be the first and last time

catgirl1976 · 11/09/2011 16:13

I think the main problem is you argue 3 / 4 times a week.

For me an argument usually means someone "losing it" so swearing etc not suhc a big deal as it is an argument so emotions are running high and things get said that wouldn't normally. Whilst thats unpleasant I think it is part of an argument and can be made up. DH and I have (sadly) had arguments like that with swearing, breaking things, name calling etc but they are once every couple of years not several times a week - the frequency seems more alarming than the content to be honest.

dreamingbohemian · 11/09/2011 16:17

It doesn't matter what's normal for other people. Do you like being called a fucking bitch three times a week? If not, then yes, you should ask him to stop. You should also think about what you are willing to do if he won't, though, because after fifteen years it's not likely he will stop on a dime.

ginmakesitallok · 11/09/2011 16:19

Agree that it desn't sund particularly healthy. but you can relax on one point - I don't think anyone has EVER had a heart attack because they haven't been allowed t call their partner a Fucking bitch once in a while

BahHumPug · 11/09/2011 16:22

Swearing whilst angry is one thing - 'oh fuck this', 'oh for fuck's sake' etc, but actually swearing at someone and calling them derogatory names is not on.

He invades your space? Shouts in your face? He's belittling you, demeaning you and intimidating you. He needs to sort his attitude out because that kind of behaviour can turn abusive very quickly, if it isn't already deemed so.

TheOriginalFAB · 11/09/2011 16:25

YANBU.

Everyone says things in the heat of the moment but it upsets you and as your husband, he should hear you and try very hard not to repeat it.

Arguing that often isn't good and maybe you need to focus on what is causing the arguments to see if you can live happier together and then the rest should improve.

susiedaisy · 11/09/2011 16:32

Agree with other posters, I swear if I have hurt myself or get cut up in traffic etcBlush but you are arguing weekly and he is swearing at you, to you calling you names , it's not good, you say you don't want to separate, don't have any advice really other than maybe counselling to try to help with your relationship, it is a form of abuse Sad

Original poster
brandnewname · 11/09/2011 17:47

... does he lose his temper with other people and swear at them?
yes very occasionally and yes he has done (very occasionally) at work but it seems tolerated there - he works in a professional but very male dominated environment.

... I suspect you give as good as you get!

I do shout about behaviour sometimes but not that often and never at - ie I may critisise the behaviour not the person - am more your "that is an unacceptable thing to do" whereas he will shout "you have s*it for brains" (another favourite expression of his).

I know that the arguing several times a week is a problem - but we are both currently working stupid hours and also neither of us have really had a good nights sleep since we had dc (11 years ago...) - usually we do not manage to eat until midnight etc so are both pretty permanantly stressed which is why we argue - am assuming that we will argue less once the stress reduces (if it ever does :) )

My question is more about whether I am being reasonable by really hating being sworn at and by finding that it is making me nervous around him as to me it does indicate a lack of control - I get cross, and lose it and shout etc but am still "in control" - ie I sort of decide to shout IYSWIM whereas dh says that he doesn't mean to swear but then does so doesn't seem in control.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread