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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to be sworn at by dh

44 replies

brandnewname · 11/09/2011 15:14

during arguments

have name changed for this one.

please do not tell me to go and post in relationships as everyone there will just say "leave him" which I do not want to do. I just want to know what is normal for couples (am assuming that there is a big spectrum so want to know what is on it IYSWIM).

When we argue (often - several times a week) dh will often shout fck off, fck off" many times and/or call me an f*cking bitch. He also sometimes invades my personal space whilst making very aggresive facial expressions but he has never actually hit me.

Is this on the "normal" spectrum? He does keep promising to stop but appears (after 15 years) still unable to. AIBU asking him to stop swearing? (Have bought him various books on anger management but he doesn't lik ewhat he refers to as psycobabble. Also I dont' want to drive him to a heart attack by making him "bottle it all up" too much.

OP posts:

Original poster

brandnewname · 11/09/2011 17:51

...you need to focus on what is causing the arguments...

he often gets really cross if I do something "wrong" (eg if I bump the car or break something - not that I bumpp the car that often :) ) but he seems to take it personally if I demonstrate infalability.

OP posts:

susiedaisy · 11/09/2011 19:01

So you're asking us if you should feel upset and shocked at his behaviour and apparent lack of control over it??? Yes you should!

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 11/09/2011 19:08

We all make mistakes and sometimes do stupid things without thinking. Is he infallible? Thought not. He needs to look at himself and extend the same tolerance that he expects when he fucks up to others.

Seems to me that you've got used to the lack of respect he has for you and are reluctant to rock the boat.

Anyone who doesn't reciprocate my respect for them doesn't get to stay in my life very long but, in your case, I suggest you up his life insurance and tell him to keep a lid on his bad tempered outbursts.

squeakytoy · 11/09/2011 19:11

Is he cross AT you, or just cross because of the item that has been damaged.

Our car got badly dented in the supermarket once and my husband wasnt happy, and there was a lot of swearing, but it wasnt directed AT me, just about the damage.

Thinking about it, although we both swear like troopers, on the occasions when we do have an argument, we rarely swear at each other. Yet in jest we will call each other any name under the sun.

If he is behaving agressive, in your face, and snarling then yes, it is unreasonable and bad behaviour.. however, if you have been winding him up before this by being critical and speaking to him like he is a child (not saying that you do, just IF you do) then you are both contributing to the fighting.

Arguing several times a week is not a normal happy relationship either. :(

yummymummy84 · 12/09/2011 12:18

Yes it is normal for me unfortunately. I want to leave but don't have the courage and DD doesn't see the major rows. I just think of the heartache it would cause her for us to separate. DH has never hit me but does get very violent and abusive. We row 3/4 times a week too. Basically it is wrong but it is how far you will let it go before doing something about it.

zukiecat · 12/09/2011 12:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MothershipG · 12/09/2011 12:43

Lack of sleep and poor eating patterns are enough to make anyone a bit grumpy and bad tempered but he is making you nervous around him and he is making you unhappy, of course that isn't acceptable behaviour!

Is he completely heartless? If you could get a quiet time together and you told him how he is making you feel, how do you think he would react?

I know it's a cliché, but would he consider counseling? He needs to know how unhappy he is making you. Only you can decide how much you will take. he may not be hitting you but it does sound like he is using language and his body to bully and intimidate you.

pictish · 12/09/2011 12:49

I replied on your other thread about the same subject yesterday. Whether you put it in AIBU or Relationships....the answer is still the same.

Badtasteflump · 12/09/2011 12:52

YANBU - and I'm so sorry for you OP

It is definitely not normal IMO. DH and I have been together for 15 years and he has never sworn at me, or invaded my personal space in the way you describe. In short, he's never made me feel in the slightest bit intimidated or fearful of him. We do argue sometimes, but we both seem to know there's a line you don't cross (probably from seeing people around us ripping strips from each other!).

Apart from the way he argues, I would also be very concerned about how often you argue. 3 or 4 times a week sounds exhausting and very depressing.

I know it's hard to think about changing your whole life - but when I read your post, my first thought was 'how sad for your DC - living in such a miserable and volitile home'. I seriously think it's likely they would end up being more effected by you staying with him than leaving. Sorry.

SnakeOnCrack · 12/09/2011 12:54

During an arguement we might say "oh for fuck's sake" or "fucking hell" but I would be VERY hurt if he called me a bitch, let alone a fucking bitch or if he said I had shit for brains. It's unacceptable so you're totally right to be upset. Sit him down and talk about this because it's clearly upsetting you and he needs to respect that.

CurrySpice · 12/09/2011 13:02

I was just about to post what SnakeonCrack said

Swearing in an argument is IMHO, OK. Something like "Oh that's a fucking ridiculous thing to say"

"You make me feel like shit when you dothat"

but what is not acceptable is to swear AT you like

"You are a fucking bitch" or "You have shit for brains"

DP and I very rarely argue, bit more freuently with XH but even then, a full-on shouting row was maybe twice or three times a year not a week! I honestly do not know how you cope with that level of stress

Why haven't you had a night's sleep for 11 years? And why don't you eat till midnight?

blackeyedsusan · 12/09/2011 13:07

with curry spice. some swearing in arguments is not nice, but understandble... may be an exsperated oh fuck off as you flounce out... or a piss off and leave me alone... but straying into you're a fucking bitch is not acceptable. it is defintely niot acceptable to be physically intimidting either.

NevermindtheNargles · 12/09/2011 13:09

DH and I quite regularly call each other things like "shit for brains? or "fucking bitch" jokingly, that's the kind of relationship we have.

Even we, in a relationship where lots of colourful language and insults are regularly used and considered funny, would never speak to each other like that in anger.

If my DH got in my face and insulted me as you describe once, we would have trouble. 3-4 times a week? I'd be long gone. You need to set some limits on what is acceptable, and if he refuses to stick to them, leave. Is there somewhere you could 'disappear to' for a couple of days to show him you're serious?

NevermindtheNargles · 12/09/2011 13:09

DH and I quite regularly call each other things like "shit for brains? or "fucking bitch" jokingly, that's the kind of relationship we have.

Even we, in a relationship where lots of colourful language and insults are regularly used and considered funny, would never speak to each other like that in anger.

porcamiseria · 12/09/2011 13:10

leave him! joke, dont even go near relationships OP!

I genuinely think that men are made differently to women, and part of this is that alot of them have major anger management issues! not all, but some

Everyone here says its not normal. But spoeaking to my RL life friends, some of them do have loud swearing arguments where bad language is used. things do get shouted, and names to get used. This is what happens in RL.

I am not saying this is right, or good, but it is more common than you think

But the issue is you dont like it. and I dont like it either when my DP does it

agree with poster that said you cant change him, but you can change your reaction

say "I asked you not to speak like this to me" and leave the room. and keep doing this, make it clear that you wont tolerate it

and if it continues, well you may need outside help

Bunbaker · 12/09/2011 13:16

"never sworn at each other in 30+ years. I wouldnt stand for it frankly"

Same here. This is abuse and totally unacceptable in my view. It sounds like your OH needs to go on an anger management course and you both need to have some counselling.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/09/2011 13:23

No OP, what you describe is far from normal and far from acceptable. Arguing 3-4 times/week is a major problem. Being called a fucking bitch is a major problem. It is entirely reasonable to hate being sworn at, and it concerns me that it is "making me nervous around him". (I'd even ask myself if that nervousness is the purpose of his behaviour, but I can be very cynical.)

Your lives do sound very stressed, can I ask you how many of these arguments are witnessed by your DC? Because I can't see such frequent arguments and such stressed parents being completely invisible to them. And if they are aware of how your husband talks to you, what effect that is having upon their relationship with you (echoing his lack of respect, perhaps?) and on their relationship with him (echoing your nervousness?).

Jemma1111 · 12/09/2011 13:31

What he's subjecting you to is verbal abuse, plain and simple.

There is no way in the world you should be putting up with that.

anniemac · 12/09/2011 13:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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