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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have got married secretly with only 2 witnesses?

492 replies

fivecandles · 11/09/2011 08:50

Dp and I been together 13 odd years with ups and downs and 2 children. Decided to get married because really it's about time for all sorts of reasons BUT didn't want a big faff or the expense of a big wedding. Don't like to be the centre of attention, other financial commitments, it's dh's 2nd marriage, we're not religious etc, etc. DH has a very large family and if we'd invited his mum and dad we'd have had to invite his siblings and before you know it we would have had at least 30 people just with close family. So we had a quiet but lovely wedding in register office. DH had his best mate for his witness and I had mine and they brought their families. We then went for a lovely lunch in a nice restaurant and had a lovely day together.

Told our respective families the next day. Mine completely understood and very happy that we're finally respectable and legal. DH's horribly upset and accused us of being deceitful (because we didn't tell them beforehand) and so on. DH had long conversation with them which was very heated in places but reached a sort of resolution even if it was an agreement to differ sort of thing.

Now they've not spoken to me at all although they did send a card and a little bit of money a few weeks after the event. I sent them some photos and the only contact I've had with them directly is now a letter from MIL saying how happy we look in the photos and how upset this makes her!! She has been showing the photos to all her friends and they're also really upset apparently. She's told dh about how she's been crying for days and not sleeping and one of dh's siblings has written to say similar things.

Anway, having said nothing and hoped it would all blow over, I've felt moved to write back to MIL to remind them that a wedding is a happy occasion and ask them to put aside their negative views and be happy for us and respect our choices. AIBU???

OP posts:

BellaneyMimphus · 12/09/2011 11:36

I imagine it goes a bit deeper than the wedding thing. It sounds like you and your dh live a life that they basically might not approve of overall (cohabiting and having children before a quiet marriage).

In terms of what to do, I think you send a letter to apologise once more, and then keep your dignity as far as engaging with the emotional blackmail goes. Yes, they're upset, and yes, you're sorry about it. Your MIL should be grown-up enough to behave with good grace, even if she abhors what you've done. Sending messages about tears and involving family friends is kind of crass. You don't need to be part of that, you don't control her reactions and you don't have to take responsibility for the way she expresses her pain. You do have to acknowledge her pain, and have done, and could apologise again without much effort and leave it at that.

cera1980 · 12/09/2011 11:37

I understand exactly why you chose to get married in this way, I never want the whole wedding saga again!!

But, I have to admit that if my child got married and didn't invite me I would be absolutely gutted!! Especially if I then received photo's of them enjoying their day with their friends, I would've understood your idea to marry in secret more if you had chosen to invite nobody rather than a few.

Wamster · 12/09/2011 11:38

I should imagine that if a person is religious, getting married in a register office would be meaningless and not a 'proper' wedding anyway (my view is that marriage only has real, objective significance in the eyes of the law) so, if this is the case, she is still being illogical at not being invited.

Why would you care if you are religious at not being invited to a register office marriage? It's not a real wedding, in religous people's eyes, anyway. NOT my view, but their's.

Kewcumber · 12/09/2011 11:41

I'm almost sorry to post as long threads are the pits and you inevitably end up saying somethign someone else has already said - but having only skim read...

WHy are you posting this? You are totally sure that you are not being unreasonable, you had the day you wanted, you aren't really sorry that your IL's were hurt as you acknowledge that you would do the same thing again.

there is no solving this. Things will eventually die down and they will accept your marriage becasue they won't have any choice. But you can't make them feel pleased for you. They are hurt, terribly hurt. And if I'm honest (devout athrist with no intentions of getting married myself) I would be gutted if DS chose to have his best friend and their family and not me. I too would weep about ti, though I would not tell him, I would grit my teeth and if I couldn;t paste a smile on I would at least keep my opinions to myself (if humanly possible).

You were too weak to face a conversation with your IL's in advance along the lines of "we are getting married tomorrow, you are invited as are my parents but no-one else " and chose the easy way out by keeping it secret.

Entirely your choice but you reap what you sow - you knew they would be terribly upset thats why you didn't tell them before. Don;t make it into any more of a drama than you have already, don;t write back to your MIL. Keep your mouth shut and carry on with business. You got what you wanted - you can't coerce anyone into reacting the way you want to it, even if you deem it to not acceptable.

Wamster · 12/09/2011 11:44

My religious mil tried for ages to make out that my dh and I were not properly married as not in a church. After a while, it really grated on me and though a natural appeaser (usually!) I calmly pulled out the marriage certificate, showed her the thing and said, 'I think you find that the law has very different views to yours'. She shut up after that.

Kewcumber · 12/09/2011 11:45

"to remind them that a wedding is a happy occasion" but it wasn;t for them was it. They weren't there and knew nothing about it! Nice that it was a lvely day for you, not nice for them that you considered it would be better and lovelier without them (from their perspective)

AmberLeaf · 12/09/2011 11:52

Congratulations

YANBU

I think it comes down to what is more important;

Is it the wedding or is it the marriage ?

IMO its the marriage, this is why I would do something very similar to you.

Your MIL needs to get a grip quite frankly.

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 12/09/2011 11:52

DandyLioness - No, I'm not Chaos :)

FancyForgetting · 12/09/2011 11:55

Wamster, re 'real' marriages - I think it depends on the individuals involved.

I am a churchgoer, but have felt infinitely more comfortable at civil weddings than at those held in churches where the bride and groom were otherwise very dismissive of the 'God stuff' but wanted a pretty venue and/or a link to the school attached to the parish.

Not up to me to judge whether that makes either, both or neither a 'real' marriage - I just feel that the best foundation is being true to each other and oneself from the start.

BellaneyMimphus · 12/09/2011 11:57

It's a shame that weddings (and marriage) represent different things to different people, yet we all assume that people feel the same way about them and get very wrong-footed when they don't.

In a way, all of us (the MIL included) need to understand that one person's public, family occasion is another person's nightmare. We had the same in dh's family: no rejection of anyone but three different wedding styles, three degrees of cat's bum faces.

Kewcumber · 12/09/2011 11:57

I don't think in this case its about either teh marriage or the wedding. Its about feeling excluded from an event that it is usual to include your family in.

Fair enough you chose not to, but most people do and it probably haven't even occured to your MIL that she wouldn't be present at teh marriage of one of her children. You can't make her Not upset or make her "get a grip". Just carry on. She's hurt, she'll get a grip in her own time not according to your timetable.

DandyLioness · 12/09/2011 12:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FancyForgetting · 12/09/2011 12:05

Agree with Kewcumber's last three posts (are you my more articulate, better edited avatar ?)

Wamster · 12/09/2011 12:32

The mil can feel a bit upset, but her reaction is way over the top.
It's a bloody wedding, big deal, who cares? Nobody has died!

And I'm sorry but any Christian who feels that a register office wedding is a proper one, is not being true to their religion. Their religion not mine. I don't have a religion.
That's the problem with the mil here and modern society as a whole, they pick and choose the best bits all the time.

Did this mil protest strongly at the op's cohabitation and children out of wedlock? No she did not. She should not have done in my view, but, nevertheless, she has picked and chosen the bits of her religion to stick to.

What hypocrisy! She needs to get a grip and realise that to a lot of people (myself included) marriage only has significance in a legal sense and that alone.

Wamster · 12/09/2011 12:36

Personally, if I were a religious person I'd be glad not to be invited to a wedding that took place anywhere but a religious setting; it would make a mockery of the whole thing in my view. But I am not religious.

DandyLioness · 12/09/2011 12:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wamster · 12/09/2011 12:39

No I am not being ridiculous; the OP has said that the pils have religious views and I am, reasonably, saying that a religious person should not logically feel peed off about not going to a civil wedding because it should have no meaning for them.

Not my fault if people cherry pick the bits of a religion they wish to follow.

xpatmama · 12/09/2011 12:49

You know I've been thinking about this and basically I reckon you should consider that, for your PILs, you have basically given them a big smack in the face (ie that you didnt want them there). It was possibly accidental but that is in fact what you've done.

They are reacting from this position of hurt, which since most of us are not saints, means that they are probably being a bit U, but lets be clear about what the impact of your decision was....

FancyForgetting · 12/09/2011 13:00

Not sure that the religious aspect is the main issue for OP, but FWIW, not all church/religious wedding automatically have legal status. We had a civil as well as religious ceremony and had to sign both registers and are bound by civil matrimonial law as well as our religion.

Cherry-picker? Guilty as charged! But I am no happier with imposing my thoughts/beliefs on anyone than I would be with them doing the same to me.

I am therefore happy to celebrate with and congratulate anyone kind enough to invite me to their wedding - whatever its form.

Wamster · 12/09/2011 13:00

People have the right to feel as they like, however, if they are being unreasonable -as her mil is being here- why should others pander to it and pretend what they did is wrong, when it is not?

It's just silly. I respect that people can feel as they like, her mil has the right to feel upset but, at the same time, where is mil's sense of perspective?

A long-term couple with kids has decided to formalise their relationship in the way they wanted. The only thing that has changed -as far as I can see- is their legal position.
A bit of logic on mil's part is needed.

Just recognise the hurt, say 'I'm sorry you feel that way' but don't grovel or apologise for having your wedding day the way you want it.

DandyLioness · 12/09/2011 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pennydog · 12/09/2011 13:09

my granddaughter did this very thing this year to her parents and the whole family feels shattered, especially my daughter, her mother. iwill find it hard to forgive.

Ragwort · 12/09/2011 13:16

WAMSTER - totally agree with your views on MIL's religious beliefs - I would have thought she would be more disappointed with her DS 'living in sin' and having three children before marriage than the fact she wasn't invited to the registrar office.

How old is MIL - surely she must be late 60s or early 70s - she really needs to get her priorities straight; yes, she might be disappointed at not being invited to the wedding but it is not the end of the world.

OP - I would let you DH ldeal with all her angst, as another poster mentioned, she is probably angry with him but its easier to focus on you rather than admit her DS made a choice she wasn't happy about, so that she can but all her perceived 'blame' on to you.

BellaneyMimphus · 12/09/2011 13:23

I suppose it's because I know more people who've done what the OP did, but I don't see it as a given that the parents of the couple would necessarily be there. Yes for a church ceremony, no for a Register Office ceremony.

So to say that they could reasonably expect to be there is only seeing it from one viewpoint. I have another viewpoint and others have different thoughts again. Sadly the MIL has one rigid viewpoint but she's not dealing with it well, is she? I think she's being a bit of a twit.

It's horrible when you've made people sad, I don't think the OP wanted to do that, and I think the MIL should be grown-up enough to recognise that there wasn't any bad intent. But she's carrying on and making a big fuss and making things ten times worse.

Thepoweroforangeknickers · 12/09/2011 13:31

Pennydog - your family and you don't sound like very nice people. "I will find it hard to forgive" . That's probably why your grandaughter did what she did. Think about it.

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