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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have got married secretly with only 2 witnesses?

492 replies

fivecandles · 11/09/2011 08:50

Dp and I been together 13 odd years with ups and downs and 2 children. Decided to get married because really it's about time for all sorts of reasons BUT didn't want a big faff or the expense of a big wedding. Don't like to be the centre of attention, other financial commitments, it's dh's 2nd marriage, we're not religious etc, etc. DH has a very large family and if we'd invited his mum and dad we'd have had to invite his siblings and before you know it we would have had at least 30 people just with close family. So we had a quiet but lovely wedding in register office. DH had his best mate for his witness and I had mine and they brought their families. We then went for a lovely lunch in a nice restaurant and had a lovely day together.

Told our respective families the next day. Mine completely understood and very happy that we're finally respectable and legal. DH's horribly upset and accused us of being deceitful (because we didn't tell them beforehand) and so on. DH had long conversation with them which was very heated in places but reached a sort of resolution even if it was an agreement to differ sort of thing.

Now they've not spoken to me at all although they did send a card and a little bit of money a few weeks after the event. I sent them some photos and the only contact I've had with them directly is now a letter from MIL saying how happy we look in the photos and how upset this makes her!! She has been showing the photos to all her friends and they're also really upset apparently. She's told dh about how she's been crying for days and not sleeping and one of dh's siblings has written to say similar things.

Anway, having said nothing and hoped it would all blow over, I've felt moved to write back to MIL to remind them that a wedding is a happy occasion and ask them to put aside their negative views and be happy for us and respect our choices. AIBU???

OP posts:
Wamster · 12/09/2011 08:12

I stand by my advice to be polite but not give in to your mil's hysterical behaviour.
I could perhaps understand where she was coming from in wanting to be at the wedding if you were a couple of 20-year-old virgins who had never cohabited and had no children together (like back in the day when weddings actually had significance as being a (genuinely) life-changing experience.

By the way this is NOT a criticism of you at all so please, please, don't take it that way. I for one lived with dh before marriage so I am not having a go.

But all this 'big day' b.s. Hmm. Sorry but my reaction is simple: you wanted to get married but as you have been living as a married couple for years anyway, you didn't want to make a massive deal out of it. Because, frankly, it wasn't that big a deal to you. Why would it be?

Your mil is, um, two stops shot of the bus station.

Katisha · 12/09/2011 08:23

You want to be welcomed into the family, but the family not to be at the occasion when you join it?

I think weddings aren't just about the couple actually - it is an occasion when families are joined. It has a wider significance than just the bride and groom.

While this doesn't mean the families can dictate terms, I do rather feel it is right that they should actually be there... You could have stood up to the hypothetical guilt-tripping about siblings and uncles and aunts etc.

Wamster · 12/09/2011 08:33

But she has been part of the family for 13 years and has had children by her (now) dh. Was she not part of it before?

This is what pees me off about people's attitudes to weddings; people accept cohabitation as being OK and 'as good as marriage' (which it may very well be emotionally speaking but certainly not from a legal viewpoint) yet a massive fuss must be made about getting married all the same.

Where is the logic? Confused

Katisha · 12/09/2011 08:42

Not a massive fuss. The fact that OP was already part of the family, in my view, makes it sad that the parents were not allowed to be there.

I totally understand about not wanting a stupid big wedding and agree that the wedding industry is out of hand.

Wamster · 12/09/2011 08:55

I'm just going to have to disagree, if a couple have been together for 13 years and have 2 children, all the traditional rules go out the window as regards how they should get married. This includes inviting who they like and doing it their way.

It beggars belief that any person in their right mind should have the reaction of the mil.

SansaLannister · 12/09/2011 09:07

I totally agree, Wamster.

takethisonehereforastart · 12/09/2011 09:16

Wamster, I agree with you about the MIL, she is in the wrong to keep on with the guilt trips and arguments, but by that same token the OP should stop all this "haven't been congratulated, haven't been welcomed into the family" business.

You can't say you don't want a big fuss and then complain because you don't get one. And you can't leave someone out of your wedding and then demand that they congratulate you (above and beyond the card with money in it) and only be upset about it in a way that suits you.

Wamster · 12/09/2011 09:23

Yes, fair comment, there takethisonehereforastart, I got married in a very, very small way. Did not have a wedding dress, just a dress for a wedding. I didn't expect any gifts or cards or anything, though, and although I was glad and thankful to the giver/s to receive them when I did, I wouldn't have complained about not receiving them.

oldraver · 12/09/2011 09:30

Well.... if it had been just two witnesses then I would of said your wedding your choice (this is how I wanted it but ended up with the whole family shebang) but you had the families of the witnesses, and had I been you MIL this would of pissed me off

fedupofnamechanging · 12/09/2011 09:46

But those guests were the ones that the OP and her DH wanted - ones who wouldn't try to impose their own wishes over those of the bride and groom.

I had a small wedding, and still ended up having people there that tbh, I didn't really want. My MIL had a strop on the day and I wish I'd just gone off with dh and pulled two witnesses off the street.

purits · 12/09/2011 09:48

I haven't read all this but YABVVVVU.

How dare you be upset that she didn't say congratulations when you told her to eff off. You may not realise that you said it but you did. Getting married without inviting her was effectively saying you are not important to me, I don't care for you and your feelings, you are an irrelevance to my life. I would be devastated if my DC did that to me. How can you ask her to be pleased for you after that?

"Apart from anything else it's just so incredibly inappropriate to pour gloom on the happiness of a newlywedded couple."
Get over yourself! If you want your newlyweddedness to be important to others then you should have invited them to the nuptials. Why are you planning a one-year-anniversay party? What makes you think that anyone gives two hoots for a marriage that they weren't invited to?Confused

emsyj · 12/09/2011 09:50

That's the key hurtful thing though karmabeliever - they had the guests that they wanted - which was not her DH's parents. That's why they're upset.

exoticfruits · 12/09/2011 10:01

I misunderstood. I thought originally that it was a great idea but I didn't read it properly.
I know 2 couples who did it but in both cases they had themselves and just got 2 witnesses of the street.
OP had guests so in that case it was very unfeeling and selfish to choose guests that didn't include parents. Sadly something they will understand when their own DCs get married and then it will be too late.

exoticfruits · 12/09/2011 10:01

off the street.

exoticfruits · 12/09/2011 10:02

The title was wrong-it wasn't just 2 witnesses it was two friends that you put closer than parents.

fedupofnamechanging · 12/09/2011 10:04

I think it's perfectly reasonable for them to be upset, but perhaps they need to look at why the OP and their own son preferred to have friends witness their wedding. Possibly something to do with them being the sort of people to try and take over or weep and wail and take to their beds if they don't get their own way.

I think that the OP cannot reasonably expect her IL's to be happy about this, but it is not unreasonable to expect them to behave like adults and recognise that two people are marrying each other not their respective families and have a right to do it in a way that makes them happy. I don't think it gives the message that they don't care about their families - only that they wanted a wedding of their own choosing and that they didn't view it as anything to do with their parents.

I really think this comes down to whether you think a wedding is about just the couple or about the two families.

PicassosMuse · 12/09/2011 10:13

I don't think you ABU to have chosen how to get married , but agree that being gentle with those that are upset might be beneficial.

I didn't quite do this but came very close (only told and invited very immediate family), and my extended family, some of whom love me very dearly, were devastated and never understood my choice.

I accepted their pain and sort of took it on the chin, and we regained our closeness.

I also know of a friend who did it whose Mother and Father never spoke to her again Sad.

Give them time and apologise that your choice hurt and offended them (but not for making that choice), some people really do believe that the wedding is not just about the Bride and Groom. It is a tough one.

purits · 12/09/2011 10:15

"I really think this comes down to whether you think a wedding is about just the couple or about the two families."

It is about the families. You don't marry just your DH, you take on board all his family (and v.v.) A wedding is one of the traditional milestones of family life (hatches, matches and dispatches).
No man is an island and all that.

A wedding is about family. A marriage is about the couple.

tryingtoleave · 12/09/2011 10:19

I think loudlass and fivecandles should go and marry each other.

fedupofnamechanging · 12/09/2011 10:28

I disagree purits. I see it as a promise between two people. They are making a commitment to love and care for each other. This is nothing to do with extended family. A wedding is the beginning of the marriage, not a separate entity.

Of course part of being married is taking on a relationship with each others families. Caring for your partner sometimes involves biting your tongue a bit when it comes to dealing with IL's. But getting married doesn't give IL's a right to any say in how the couple live their lives or in how they choose to actually get married.

shakey1500 · 12/09/2011 10:28

YANBU to have had the wedding you wanted and congratulations :)

Small anecdote- my mum married my stepfather when I was 17 only telling myself and my sister. Sworn to secrecy. She didn't even tell my nan (her mother) who was subsequently gutted but stuck a brave face on etc.

Fast forward to MY wedding. Smallish affair, financed solely by myself and dh. Seperate story, but no financial help offered by mum (not a problem per se, but just to illustrate as she paid for the whole of my sisters wedding few years previous). Showed her the guest list and she demanded that I invite "Aunty J" who I hadn't seen for 20 years and have no contact with. I refused and she then said that if that was the case, she wasn't going to come either [shocked]. This??? Coming from a woman who didn't even tell her own mother she was getting wed, dictating to me who I should invite to my own wedding else she's not coming. I was furious.

As it happened, I didn't invite Aunty J, I told mum that was fine if she didnt want to come for such a reason. Nearer the day, she relented and I "allowed" her to attend as to not have, would have made guests speculate as to why she wasn't there, rather than focusing on our special day.

Can you tell it still riles me 11 years on? Grin

Wamster · 12/09/2011 10:33

Presumably, then, as getting married is such a big, big deal, then those who are telling the op that she is being unreasonable believe cohabitation and children outside of wedlock not to be as worth as much as some 'big day' ? Hmm
They've been living as married for years! (Although this is not to negate my belief that in order to be recognised legally as married, the couple must get married).

I personally think all this fuss over a wedding- ANY wedding- is bloody ridiculous.
The mil is totally unreasonable; ffs, I could understand her upset if she had been barred from a funeral of somebody close, but a wedding?! Absurd.

ExpensivePants · 12/09/2011 10:39

Why would a funeral be any different? Hmm

The OP did something she knew would upset her MIL. Her MIL is upset. The OP is throwing a tantrum. The MIL is probably being a bit of a drama queen but no more so than her DIL.

Wamster · 12/09/2011 10:44

A funeral would be entirely different as a person may need the psychological framework of a funeral to say goodbye to the deceased.
A wedding, what the heck is such a big deal about that in this day and age? Nothing. Absolutely nothing- in most cases, the couple have cohabited beforehand AND have children.
What happens after a wedding nowadays in terms of day-to-day activity? Yes, the legal position changes but nothing else does.

The mil is getting upset when NOTHING has changed. THAT is absurd.

LydiaWickham · 12/09/2011 10:45

Karmabeliever - But those guests were the ones that the OP and her DH wanted - this is probably part of the hurt, because it means MIL has to accept her own son didn't want her at his wedding. Because the OP had the families of the witnesses there too, I'm assuming it was at least 10 people in all (with OP's DCs and witnesses DCs etc).

That's not 'just witnesses' that's 'small number of guests' and that number didn't include someone who could reasonably assume up to that point that they were one of the most important people to the groom after his DP and DCs.

If I was MIL, I'd be hurt that my child didn't think I was important enough to include in their small wedding party.

Now, OP and her DH can be of the opinion that his parents aren't that important to them, they can decide that it didn't matter to them that their parents were at their wedding day, but you must see how hurtful it would be for the parent to suddenly realise that's how your DS thinks of you.

OP - you need to apologise for the hurt - you can't undo it, but you could focus attention on the wedding party next year, you could say it's just the actual ceremony they've missed, make the focus the big event where she gets to be 'mother of the groom'. This might go some way to rebuilding bridges.