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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think MNHQ should not be deleting posts in this way? WARNING: Ranty

624 replies

doublestandard · 10/09/2011 15:39

So, having a post deleted is a MN rite of passage and all that, but I think MNHQ have got a bit trigger happy with the delete button of late but not in a good way. And yes this is a bit thread about a thread but I think it's a general problem and worth discussing.

As an example, I have recently had a post from AIBU deleted because I said the manner in which a poster had disregarded others opinions was "flaming arrogant" and that "You have come across on this thread as a self-important, judgey know-it-all". Apparently this constitutes a personal attack?? Since when have we not been allowed to say that a specific post on a thread suggests arrogance? Or that a poster is coming across in a certain way? It is not saying the poster is arrogant or a self-important, judgey know-it-all but that is how they are being perceived.

Now ordinarily I'd shrug this off but I'm seeing more and more posters crying "personal attack!" when disagreed with and then having posts that seem to me to be quite reasonable deleted. I am also baffled that MNHQ have decided that it is not a personal attack to leave up comments by another poster stating that I condone child abuse (I mean what the actual fuck?!) when I have said nothing of the kind and because my post above is deleted people can't make up their own minds. Either delete both or delete neither surely?

I think most people on MN employ an attack the posts, not the poster as a rule. Yes, it is a bit more blunt on AIBU than relationships or behaviour and development for example, and I think that's right, but I find the nannying attitude and selective decisions not to be in the spirit of MN.

-----

Disclaimers

I have namechanged because I don't want to draw any more attention to the thread where MNHQ sees fit to allow a post to stand that falsely states I support the abuse of children. I suspect a few people may recognise me and/or the thread so I'd prefer not to be outed thanks.

In the interests of fairness there was another part of my post that MNHQ felt could be interpreted as "giving the finger". It was actually nothing of the kind - it was a reference to being part of a particular organisation and then a flounce - but I can see how someone might have interpreted it as that even if I don't agree. Fair enough to decide to take it down, but why leave up a libellous post stating a poster condones child abuse when the orginal post is not there to be judged? Confused

I have raised this with MNHQ and the second paragraph draws on their email response.

OP posts:
Peachy · 15/09/2011 12:24

Hully DP was back two days ago; her post was pulled though.

Was like being back in 2008 agaiin. But with more tories, obviously.

Or not, as the case may be.

Destinationzero presumably thre's an argument that this is MN's USP and that is NMs: but tbh it was nicer before- I just don't know that so many people like nice (I do).

AitchTwoOh · 15/09/2011 12:29

och, that 'this is MN's USP' line is such bullshit, though, peachy. (am aware you are not advancing it). with rights come responsibility. sure, we can swear away to our heart's content, but should we? is it right for the community as a whole?

there is a thread about after-school lessons at the moment... while no one is being disgustingly vile to the woman, they are being unnecessarily cruel (it seems to me) and enjoying it. lots of 'get a grips'. fuckers.

OracleInaCoracle · 15/09/2011 12:33

Destinationzero, I sort of disagree with you. I joined minute because it isn't/wasn't as heavily moderated as other sites. I don't like aibu, I think people use it as an excuse, and I will never understand the posters who check aibu first, to see what's there. I like being able swear. I don't swear in rl, and like time off from mothering. I do think its important to tell someone who is being a bit of a twat, that they are being a bit of a twat. I would hope that if I made a post of epic numptiness, I would be pulled up on it. The problem is, as I see it; that on one hand posting has become more aggressive. I'm certainly guilty of that. But on the other, some posters have become more precious and can't bear to be told they are in any way wrong. Posts calling someone a silly moo, for instance. Who would report that? How utterly precious. Can some people not take criticism?

OracleInaCoracle · 15/09/2011 12:37

But, yes, I also agree with aitch's point wrt the "get a grip" brigade. It does go too far.

OracleInaCoracle · 15/09/2011 12:37

But, yes, I also agree with aitch's point wrt the "get a grip" brigade. It does go too far.

IrmaMuthafucker · 15/09/2011 13:10

Sometimes I have a minor crisis and employ the "What would MN say" rule. And it is usually "get a grip woman!" I think a reality check now and then does one good. But I do agree sometimes people are just nasty. Particularly when an OP is obviously very upset and a gentle "really, in a couple of months when it's less raw it won't seem nearly as important. Try not to worry" would be better.

OracleInaCoracle · 15/09/2011 13:15

The times I have been told to get over myself, or get a griip, I needed to.

OracleInaCoracle · 15/09/2011 13:15

The times I have been told to get over myself, or get a griip, I needed to.

Greensleeves · 15/09/2011 13:17

I think calling somebody a cunt is FINE

I would go to great lengths to defend our right to do that

but telling somebody to "get a grip" is hurtful. And so is "fgs" as a single post.

Georgimama · 15/09/2011 13:18

I rarely start an AIBU thread, not because I can't take it, but because I mentally compose my OP and imagine the responses and know I am being unreasonable so there's no need. I suppose I could offer myself up for the get a grip brigade (of which I am often a member I have to admit) to vent their spleen on.

Tortington · 15/09/2011 13:22

it is how these things are couched

"Pardon me, i think you are being a bit of a cunt"

perfectly polite imo

AlpinePony · 15/09/2011 13:22

I too have "mentally composed" a couple of AIBU's - and the answer is always the same "fgs, gafg!". Wink Before I've typed it I've come to the conclusion that it really isn't that important, nobody cares, my intuition is probably right - and finally - I doubt I'll even remember in a week.

Georgimama · 15/09/2011 13:23

"Forsooth, thou takest the piss and art utterly full of shite, I do declare".

As a posting style it's got prospects I must say.

Greensleeves · 15/09/2011 13:25

I am a classic AIBU victim

I post "AIBU" while I am still seething and wounded

IABU

I get very cross very quickly

people laugh

Sad
Thumbwitch · 15/09/2011 13:27

I have seen a few threads where the OP is clearly in distress over something, it may be trivial to others but it's obviously bothering the OP, and the first response is a bunch of Hmm, FGS, is that all you have to worry about, get a grip etc. It's not pleasant! It can take an entire page (yes I still use them) before someone posts anything actually useful for the OP and I think that is actually shit.

This isn't supposed to be a competitive sadding, coping or shit-life site, it's supposed to be for help and support - and I wish that some posters would just close the thread again if they haven't anything helpful to say, rather than just sticking pins into the already-upset OP.

IrmaMuthafucker · 15/09/2011 13:30

Hahaha at Custy Grin

OracleInaCoracle · 15/09/2011 13:30

Excuse me fellow poster, I have reason to believe that you are a * . I mean this in the nicest possible way, and wish you the best in all your endeavours!

destinationzero · 15/09/2011 13:33

forgottan forgotten Blush

Lissielou, I know what you're saying and it is a difficult balance to get right, I'm still with aitch on this one though. I'd liken it to entering an area full of graffiti and litter, I'd be more likely to drop litter myself.
You are affected by your surroundings, so a newbie coming on and seeing thread titles like 'I hate my fucking cunting MIL' may pave the way for how she behaves in her posts. I hope I'm making sense.

OracleInaCoracle · 15/09/2011 13:44

There seems to be a fine line and we are playing jump rope with it at the moment. Too far to the left, and we are sweary, aggressive animals, like hyenas, picking out prey. Too far to the right and we can't even accept that we make mistakes and are wrong, so we act like petulant children at the merest suggestion of imperfection.

Blueberties · 15/09/2011 13:48

I actually don't really mind cunt. I really mind get a grip, you are a loony, you are paranoid, you are hysterical and so on.

Some people are fragile you know? And even if they're not, it's pointless just to make people feel rubbish and stupid because you disagree with them.

Blueberties · 15/09/2011 13:50

Although someone did once post a very long and detailed problem of the deepest trititude involving I don't know cupcake angst or something and the first response was "Get a fucking grip. HTH." That was quite funny. I didn't report that.

OracleInaCoracle · 15/09/2011 14:03

I try not post get a grip. Everyone has problems, and jsut because one person is about to lose their house doesn't mean another shouldn't post that they are arguing with dh about curtains. I draw the line at "I'm so disappointed, I wanted a boy/girl and I'm having a " but that's me and my personal shit, so I post a biscuit then hide the thread. And if I'm telling someone to have a word with themselves, I do try to do it nicely. Eg, a thread moaning that their second month ttc hadn't worked and that it was taking forever, I posted a "been where you are, its not been long at all chill out and get a grip, I'm sure it will happen soon. In the meantime, try one of the buses for others in your situation, good luck ttc" type of post.

But now we have an infertility section and I can hide conception, which has lowered my bp wonderfully.

OracleInaCoracle · 15/09/2011 14:03

I try not post get a grip. Everyone has problems, and jsut because one person is about to lose their house doesn't mean another shouldn't post that they are arguing with dh about curtains. I draw the line at "I'm so disappointed, I wanted a boy/girl and I'm having a " but that's me and my personal shit, so I post a biscuit then hide the thread. And if I'm telling someone to have a word with themselves, I do try to do it nicely. Eg, a thread moaning that their second month ttc hadn't worked and that it was taking forever, I posted a "been where you are, its not been long at all chill out and get a grip, I'm sure it will happen soon. In the meantime, try one of the buses for others in your situation, good luck ttc" type of post.

But now we have an infertility section and I can hide conception, which has lowered my bp wonderfully.

Blueberties · 15/09/2011 14:19

No - you are right lissie. Everyone has their sorrows.

AitchTwoOh · 15/09/2011 15:18

i have no objection to cunt per se, actually, and use it myself. it's not something that makes my knickers clench, or anything. i just think all the 'we say CUNT here, cos we are adults' makes us seem more like teenagers. iykwim? the adult thing to do is show consideration and not rebel against social norms for no other reason than personal titillation. we're adults, we all occupy this space together, some basic manners wouldn't go amiss.

custy had it right, imo, when she said that mn has forgotten how to be polite. (and that other thing too. Grin)