...to think that if one of your guests is pregnant, and a big feature of dinner is a huge, delicious-looking cheese plate...

[LoveInAColdClimate]

...at least one of those cheeses should be pasteurised? Had dinner with PIL (who are lovely and who I get on with really well, so this is not a general sniping thread) last night, which featured, as pudding, a big "proper cheese shop" cheese board, but no cheese I could eat. They know what I can have and what I can't, so this can't have been a mistake. I have been v spoilt at other friends' and family who have sought out yummy cheese I'm able to eat, so I know I'm v lucky. But when pregnant or no-cows'-milk friends come to ours for supper, I love sourcing cheese they can eat if I'm doing cheese as part of the meal. It just seemed a bit weird to make half the meal something I couldn't have. Am I being precious or is this odd, especially as the cheese had been specially bought and so one type I could eat could have been chucked in? Frankly a bit of cheddar would have been fine, I just felt really left out.

No, but its still not the same thing.

I'm a very accomodating host, because its good manners. But then I'm also a very accomodating guest, because that is equally so, and I wouldn't dream of expecting my hosts to cater for anything outside of actual allergies and/or vegetarianism/veganism. Even then, people get things wrong while trying to do right, and you just smile sweetly and say nothing. People often don't fully understand what are the right things, like gelatine or rennet, or what cheeses are ok and what aren't.
You've said they are nice, kind people. So why make an issue of this?

YANBU - I don't expect to be able to eat stuff in a restaurant or other places where people can't possibly know my dietary requirements... But when eating with family you'd expect them to actually make that accommodation.

OP is being a responsible adult by being informed and taking action around risk factors in her pregnancy. The information is out there for a reason, and the recommendations are there for a reason, too.

During first pregnancy (and quite heavily pregnant) I stayed with sister's boyfriend's family. All they had was unpasteurised milk. I suppose I could have felt hard done by due to their 'thoughtlessness' (but as others say, these zealous guidelines on what we should & shouldn't eat just weren't considered in previous generations' days & the human race survived). But I wasn't prepared to forego my cup of tea so I just went for it. And lived! By pregnancy number 2 I was gleefully chomping on shellfish, pate & all manner of cheese. Really, these guidelines are what you make of them, particularly if you're a guest elsewhere & it's just one course...

Vegetarianism/veganism (which are, in the main, chosen principles) are acceptable reasons to state a request, but following national guidelines on food intake in pregnancy that you trust and believe to minimise the potential for a catastrophic outcome to your unborn child is not? I don't understand your logic.

The OP had a wee rant on AIBU, not making an issue with her PIL. This is what AIBU is for.

Bobthebuddha, it's fantastic that you had a good outcome but unpasteurised milk really is a danger to pregnant women. Dh's family have farmed for generations and women really used to miscarry an awful lot before pasteurisation. Yes, they also had live pregnancies and the human race continued but there is a reason that in many rural communities no one "counts" or speaks of a pregnancy before a child is born. While the risk posed by soft pasteurised foods prepared in clinical, hygienic environments may be minimal, the risk posed by unpasteurised milk is really a lot more significant.

the cheese is also a chosen principle, as you can tell from how many people would choose to eat it! The guidelines are suggestions, not rules, and you choose some and not others.

I wonder how well it would go down at a party if I said to people "sorry, no more wine for you, NHS says 14 units a week for ladies, and I happen to know that you had 3 glasses of wine on Tuesday, as well as the gin and wine here, so you are allowed no more!" They are for your own good, and drinking too much can have very bad effects on your body.....

The thing is, its about individual choice. You read all the info, you choose to make some things important and some not. Thats great, do whatever makes you comfortable. And sure its nice if everyone else accomodates you, but its not always going to happen. It just isn't a big deal at all. Its your body, your baby, your choice. Expecting everyone else to think about it as much as you do is unrealistic. Just don't eat the cheese.

You are missing the point, Milsean, pretty spectacularly I have to say.

OP's PILs asked what she could and couldn't eat. She answered that she couldn't eat these cheeses. They then served in place of dessert at a social occasion.

OP is not complaining about a work buffet serving soft cheese, or a wedding offering a sole starter of mould-ripened Brie. Like many women, I have been in these situations while pregnant and avoided the cheese without thinking twice about it.

This situation is somewhat different because the question was asked and the response ignored. The OP is not being even vaguely unreasonable to avoid these cheeses or to trust NHS guidelines and act upon them just because others believe that their desire for a certain food or drink outweighs the potential risk to their unborn child. That risk is there. The guidelines are not rules, you are right, but neither are they "suggestions": they are not suggested in an optional sense but advocated for by professionals who have weighed up the evidence and believe that there is a risk to human health that is not, on balance, worth consumption of a cup of tea or piece of cheese. Yes, anyone can choose to ignore this on the basis of their own assessment of risk but the NHS and others do not spend money on promoting this information for no reason.

No I'm really not. You seem to have misread me, wilfully or otherwise. Disagreeing with you doesn't mean I haven't got you (though you are rather lurching from point to point, making it harder)
She also says they are nice people who try to accomodate her, so it would seem clear that they either forgot,or got confused, or some other very simple explanation. It was one meal, what on earth could it possibly matter?

They are suggestions. They are not absolutes. She's not being unreasonable to not eat it, but neither is anyone else to choose to. The guidelines don't actually match up with the actual outbreaks of listeria, which is the point you seem unable to grasp in your zeal to agree with Officaldom. But who cares anyway? Its INDIVIDUAL CHOICE.

Oh Milsean. I apologise that rather than rehashing the same point ad infinitum I have made several different points. I didn't realise this would make it difficult for you to follow . You, on the other hand, have been terribly clear. "This country" is rather meaningless. "Cheese is also a chosen principle"? These sentences are ambiguous at best.

As for: "the guidelines don't actually match up with the actual outbreaks of listeria, which is the point you seem unable to grasp in your zeal to agree with Officaldom", this is just another cattily made point that bears no reference to anything I have written. I have said that it is a matter of individual choice and that the risk is very small indeed, but that it is a risk, and one that has potentially catastrophic outcomes that leads some women to choose to follow national guidelines. Not quite sure how this translates to zeal, but I suspect you are confusing individual posters somewhat.

I have to laugh when posters on AIBU say "what on earth could it matter" or "who cares anyway?". These are only valid points if we weren't ourselves spending time discussing something utterly trivial. It's just the game, you are playing it too... no one should sweat any of this stuff, it's small, but AIBU is about the small stuff. No one is going to jail you for eating soft cheese, it's true, but then again, there's no paddywagon rolling up to take away the OP from the travesty of justice she is supposedly perpetrating on her PILs by having a moan on MN either..

that would have been difficult for me....I am pregnant and I miss delicious cheeses so much. I would have take a bit and just sniffed it to torment myself.
I understand I can't eat feta according to a booklet I downloaded but according to some posters you can eat feta.
So OP my own personal take on it, if your PIL are of the older generation they most likely wouldn't have really known so yabu in that sense, but if it was a friend around the same age as me who had a pregnnacy I would be a bit that she just served off liits cheese.
I can't wait for the cold white wine and cheese fest after my baby, ahh

I'd have been desperately disappointed because I love cheese and am also pregnant. But they probably didn't realise - how old are they? After all, mothers in the 50s were advised to smoke whilst breastfeeding to help them relax. Did they offer you a cocktail cigarette too? They wouldn't have been stressing over the cheese board. And friends in Spain and France think we're nuts to worry about it. Also, hard cheeses are supposed to be OK even if unpasteurised I think. Just not soft rinds and blue. I do make sure I get cheese fine for anxious pregnant friends because...I am a lovely considerate person who always gets everything right.

So overall, you probably are being a bit unreasonable but cheese is one of life's great joys so strong feelings perfectly understandable!

Do you know what I like? When an OP asksAIBU and gets told she's BU and she comes back, takes it in good humour and everyone has a nice discussion (mainly).
Tis most RARE.

Thank you, Dickie (assuming you are saying that's what I've done ).

Although I do have a soft spot for the ones where the OP is told, having come on and asked, that she is BU and has an utter fit (ie most of AIBU).

I have to admit that those are my favourite, especially when they flounce, come back to say they're not BU a bit more, get told they are a bit more, flounce again, repeat to fade.

But it's also nice to have a nice grown up AIBU :)

Especially when the story changes a bit more with each flounce, Dickie... always entertains.

Really want a nice bot of cheese now!

Or even a bit!

As a pregnant woman, I wouldn't eat botty-bum cheese!

OP, for what its worth I don't think you are being unreasonable.

They called ahead and asked what you could / couldn#t eat, I assuming you let them know and they still went ahead with something on your couldn't list for desert.

Now I don;t think they were necessarily being rude, just didn't realise, but from what you've posted, you didn;t say anything at the time, you're not planning on saying anything to them, you're not threatening to stop them seeing their grandchild when its born, at no point have you or anyone else suggested that whilst in your presence no one should eat soft cheees etc. Yu're just commenting on an internet forum and wondering if its strange. Yes, in my opinion its strange.

When we have people over for dinner, we will check for likes and dislikes, (others do for us to). Its got nothing to do with pandering to fussiness but wanting to enjoy a sociable evening with friends/ family whilst eating something we all enjoy.

Really can't see why you've got so much stick over this.

YANBU - because they asked you and served it anyway! It doesn't matter if you were right or wrong to say you couldn't have certain foods, I refuse to accept they heard you say 'no soft or blue cheese' then went off, did their own research, concluded you were wrong and then bought soft and blue cheese anyway.

My SIL (bless her) has recently decided she is allergic to chicken. She had a chicken burger from a dirty burger van, was very ill for days afterwards and now thinks she can't have any chicken. Now, normal people know she's wrong, that a nicely roasted chicken from our organic butchers isn't going to make her as ill as a chicken burger from a van with questionable hygiene, but I still make sure I serve lamb or beef if they're coming over for Sunday lunch.

"stealth cheese attack" sounds incredible, DandyLioness. Pass the quince jelly.

"YABU because all cheese is vile." YABU BoringSchoolChoiceNickname for making such a preposterous statement

Arf @ michelleseashell

OP let me get this straight, they "did know [you] couldn't have it as they call prior to each visit to check what [you] can't have" so you presumably told them "I can't have runny and blue cheeses" and they proceeded to serve a course solely consisting of runny and blue cheeses? How very peculiar. Regardless of anyones standpoint on the guidelines, if that is true, YANBU. If someone specifically asked me what I couldn't eat prior to a dinner party and proceeded to serve me course consisting solely of goats cheese I'd be smearing the goats cheese on the underside of their table when they weren't looking a bit upset.

And anyone serving a "cheeseboard" without a Little Black Bomber or a wedge of Sparkenhoe is being extremely unreasonable anyway IMO.

OP "i just felt really left out"... I'm sorry, ur having dinner with your inlaws who seem nice people, who asked you what you could and couldn't eat but who got it wrong - presumably by accident////./ yabu ...very! Truthfully u sound like ur maybe looking for a reason to feel hard done by. Really no matter how wonderful it is being pregnant, it doesn't actually make you the centre of the world!

Haven't read all the pages and pages of posts, but am rather surprised that so many people (on page 1 anyway) are going on and on about what they couldn't eat during pregnancy. Surely it would be more accurate to say what they wouldn't eat. Guidelines are recommendations, not orders.

So, op, YABU to refuse what was probably totally delicious cheese. You missed out.

My son almost died at 13 weeks old of meningitis. When he was taken into hospital and they were trying to find out exactly what was wrong with him, the doctor came round and asked if i'd had any unpasteurised cheese during pregnancy. I said I'd had a tiny bit and she glared and raised her voice at me and said "didn't you know the guidelines about no unpasteurised cheese in pregnancy"? I then spent the next day wondering if my dreadfully ill child was in hospital because of me.

Op, YANBU unreasonable for simply following NHS guidelines on what to avoid in pregnancy, and YANBU to think that MIL could have given you one cheese you could have eaten.

How terrifying for you, Kitsmummy. It must have been awful, and how cruel of that doctor. I hope he was ok? My baby brother had meningitis as a baby (albeit much older than yours) and I can still remember how awful it was and how distressed my mum was even though I was tiny . He got better, though. I do hope your poor baby was ok.