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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to live on my own due to finances?

119 replies

buterflies · 09/09/2011 18:06

I am saddened to ask my partner to leave the family home and move back in with his grandma as we cannot cope financially living together.

My partner works full time and I work 18 hours a week although we are both on a fairly low income.

I have one child, my partners step dad to him and we have one on the way.

We have decided the only way we can manage is to live apart meaning I can claim extra tax credits. It is not a decision we have taken lightly but we feel its the only way we can live at the moment.

OP posts:
MadameDefarge · 09/09/2011 21:27

pearlym, if it is dollars you speak of, do your comments apply to a UK based citizen? they can't possibly be paying for any shifty, benefit scrounging person in the UK.

MadameDefarge · 09/09/2011 21:29

btw, I do not agree with OP. A loving couple with child on the way should be together, and face the trial of the world together.

I find it hard to believe that any loving couple would contemplate this ever.

GypsyMoth · 09/09/2011 21:43

Op, how long were you intending to keep up this charade for?

pearlym · 09/09/2011 21:44

"tax dollars" was my slightly pretentious way of saying my taxes. They are UK taxes fair and square

aquashiv · 09/09/2011 21:48

This is benefit fraud. YOU know its wrong and its you that would have to live with this.
I think you need to think it all through first there must be another way.

Original poster
buterflies · 09/09/2011 23:06

Ok considering my partner works full time already and I am pregnant I dont think extra work is an option, and I am not a shitty scrounger, I work and my partner works yet we are still struggling, perhaps if the govt didnt spend so much money on the unemployed shitty scroungers then couples who want to be together may get some help??

Just a thought.

OP posts:
Original poster
buterflies · 09/09/2011 23:07

I have taken into account everyones comments and am gonna have a serious think and try and work some kind of budget out as I really dont want to break up my family in any way, just wish things were a little easier.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 09/09/2011 23:26

Unemployed scroungers?

They are looking for work!!!! Not committing benefit fraud like YOU propose to. Sense of entitlement? Much!

Sandalwood · 09/09/2011 23:29

Good thing too. As I said it's unfair on grandma to have to be paying for your family.

Original poster
buterflies · 09/09/2011 23:35

ha ha u wanna come have a look around where I live sarasidle something like two thirds of families are unemployed and the majority plan to stay that way, I am in the minority in the fact I do work

OP posts:
margerykemp · 09/09/2011 23:41

You should be getting more than 20pwk ctc/wtc. Go to CAB and get benefits/money advice. It IS benefit fraud if you are a couple in all but address.

Original poster
buterflies · 09/09/2011 23:44

Well we are going to reconsider, not through any guilt of claiming money from a govt that screws us over but because as some of the posters have said it is better to be together and struggle, rather than live apart and risk upset to my child and to our relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
buterflies · 09/09/2011 23:48

margerykemp I think we should be getting more than £20 a week, it does seem low to me but they have assured me thats right. We have had a big talk and we are staying together.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 09/09/2011 23:49

So you know each family personally then? Or are you making sweeping generalisations?

You work, the fact you struggle is not the governments fault.

Sandalwood · 09/09/2011 23:50

I don't know. Doesn't £20 a week sound about right for about £1,700 a month?
As someone said earlier, you'll be getting a bit more with the new baby plus a bit more child benefit.

ShellyBoobs · 10/09/2011 00:02

...not through any guilt of claiming money from a govt that screws us over ...

I'd be interested to hear how exactly you're being screwed over. Chances are you're receiving more in in-work benefits, CB and public services useage than you're being asked to contribute.

MadameDefarge · 10/09/2011 00:43

Buterflie, how anybody, in good conscience, could even contemplate not living with their partner, with whom they expect a baby, while they are in love and together, purely to improve their finances, is beyond my understanding.

It is callous, cynical, using, and shows you up to be a bad parent, because you favour money over your children having their parents and a loving, if poor home.

Shame on you.

And I speak as a single parent on benefits.

missymarmite · 10/09/2011 01:00

Buterflie don't do this. I can totally understand your desperation and the difficulties of living on a low income. I am a LP, and would love to be in your position. I know that if I were to go into a live-in relationship, money might be tighter in the short term. But when there are two of you there are more options. If I had a partner, we could work different shift patterns, to avoid childcare costs. I could do evening work, he could work in the day. As a LP, I don't have the option of working evenings or weekends. I can't take on overtime, or a second job, for the same reason. Your DP could take on a second job for a while, until the baby is old enough for you to return to work.

Having a DP is much more than being financially better off. It is about having someone on hand (when they aren't working) to talk to, to help with the chores, to support in the meeting out of discipline.

Furthermore, benefits and tax credits are there to help those of us who have no other option. People who abuse it just give ammunition to the "bring back the workhouse" brigade. I would love to be tax credit free. Because then no one could be all smug and demand my gratitude for the fact that they pay taxes on their big fat inflated pay-check, so I don't live in abject misery, in a country where there is such a huge pay-gap between the wealthy and the poor.

CardyMow · 10/09/2011 03:22

This sort of thing is WHY the benefit fraud hotline exists. It's fraud pure and simple. Don't tell ME you can't manage on your income - I am just about to start a new job. As a Lone parent (a bloody GENUINE one, as Ex-p left when my youngest was 4mo) with 4dc. I will be getting minimum wage, and YES, with my childcare expenses, I will be a little bit worse off than I am right now on IS. BUT in 4 years time, my life will have moved on, and instead of paying childcare for 4dc, I'll probably only be paying for ONE, and then, I will have been working for 4 years, higher up the ladder, and I will then be MUCH better off working.

I'm playing the long game, not the short one.

OpinionatedMum · 10/09/2011 08:08

Are you sure you are claiming everything you are entitled to as a couple?

Child tax credit, working tax credit, housing benefit,council tax benefit,child benefit are all available to working couples. Plus you get a higher rate of child tax credit for the babies first year.

Failing that get some financial advice. Are you in debt? You have a right to pay off debts at a rate you can afford.The CAB can help with this.

Or get some advice on how to budget.

You should be able to meet your basic needs on that income, plenty others do.

You have no buisness calling unemployed people and single mums scroungers, most of them have had less choice in the matter than you.

MadameGazelle · 10/09/2011 08:28

Have you been on entitledto.com to make sure you're getting everything you should be? DH and I earn approx £28,000 between us and we get £36 per week in tax credits, DH works full time and I work 20 hours per week, maybe you're entitled to more tax credits?

MadameGazelle · 10/09/2011 08:28

We have 2 children by the way

NinkyNonker · 10/09/2011 08:30

Stating the obvious, but you obv have a real problem with budgetting. We have lived on around £16k (not anymore, training over!) inc mortgage etc (no benefits) on the very expensive South Coast for the last 2yrs, why in God's name can't you manage?!

I can't believe you would even contemplate it and be so guilt free over it. It isn't the government's job to prop you up if you can't manage your reasonable income.

MrsPlesWearsAFez · 10/09/2011 08:56

Oh so this was just to have a go at benefit claimants? In all fairness if anyone is a shitty scrounger is it not the person who claims fraudulently rather than those who are genuinely entitled.

I also loved how you went from "thinking we may reconsider" to having had a big chat and decided to stay together all within the space of four minutes Hmm

Maybe you should dedicate more time to big decisions, and work out a budget.

Minus273 · 10/09/2011 09:02

OP, my DH and I have been living apart so that he could work. Too far to communte. We are however still a couple so we are not entitled to anything. It's not great not being with your partner either.

DH was given redundancy notice last week and we are still not entitled to help even though it means homelessness. For me though telling the truth is the only option.

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