to expect my Dh to be able to wipe his backside properly...

[effingcrossnamechanger]

... so that I don't end up with skid marks on my clean sheets? Yes really.

Bloody Hell. This is why all single men have those shitty duvet sets in dark colours, isn't it? With geometric or aztec-y patterns, to better hide the skiddies. Grimness.

I am never again letting a man near my white egyptian cotton, never.

Why are people making excuses?

"He might have farted?"

Do people fart in their sleep?

And if he knows his farts are likely to be productive, he should wear underwear FFS.

Everyone farts in their sleep don't they? ponders...

Last Sunday, DH, DS and me were having lunch at a hotel quite far from home. At the table next to us, there was a family having lunch. Anyway, one of the party (a bloke of about 22) got up and walked around. He had thin shorts on and had a big brown smear around the bum area. I scribbled a note to my DH to tell him to turn around and have a look, but the bloke had sat down by then. Anyway, we sat there for ages waiting for them to leave so that DH could witness this spectacle himself. We were there a good 10 mins. After they left and then we left by car, we were talking about how childish we had been waiting around for this guy to stand up. Then we came to a really nasty road traffic accident with at least one fatality that we could see. There were probably more, it was awful. Had we not spent so long at the hotel, we would almost certainly have been caught up in this.

Not sure why I am sharing this really. Sorry.

My god that was a lucky escape:
Shite on bed sheets is foul from a healthy person.

obviously YANBU! Why is it always men, not women? I'd be mortified if I left a skidmark. Incidentally, why is it that when DH changes DS's nappy there is poo all over the packet of wipes, the changing mat, sometimes the chest of drawers, wall and/ or light switch?

Yes. People fart in their sleep.

Quite freely Since you're asleep so you're not clenching or anything.

But most farts don´t leave residue do they?

After the man-with-soiled-shorts incident at the hotel, my DH was saying that men leave skid marks sometimes because they've got hairy bums so the poo gets all stuck on the hair.

[vomit smiley]

That's a really arresting story, LaLaLaLayla! It's exactly the sort of thing my DH and I would do, too; but such a sad twist that shit-smeared shorts had probably saved your lives.

However, effingcrossnamechanger, - I think I have discovered a solution to your faecal slumber problemette:

Camouflage! Revive your inner Tarzan and conceal cleft-cleansing mishaps all in one.

Buy the matching window drapery - and the next time your Caro Sposo has a skinful and decides to wipe his arse on the curtains - bingo! Nobody will ever know*

*apart from the all-pervading smell of shit, of course

Perhaps he should adopt one of these methods

OP your DH needs to go to the toilet sooner. he seems to be way beyond a 'turtles head' when he sits on the loo