to expect my Dh to be able to wipe his backside properly...

[effingcrossnamechanger]

... so that I don't end up with skid marks on my clean sheets? Yes really.

My sister's husband did that once when they came to stay. A lovely big brown stripe across the fresh bed linen I'd put on my bed for them.
DP is not very rigorous in that area either. He claims you should need one sheet of paper only or you're being profligate. he also thinks that it creates too much washing if he only wears his pants for one day. He actually gets really annoyed if I put them in the wash. yet he showers every day without fail.

AIBU to laugh at bum/other bodily functions threads much much more than I laugh at practically anything else in the world?

Splinters: no, I am the same!

Why not ask your DPs to wear undercrackers in bed??

Epeems: WTAF??? Ewwww many pants wearing?? I'd rather be washing a mountain of dirty pants than two pairs of ones that can crawl on their own!

I blame Audrey Eyton. Ever since she brought out the F Plan Diet back in the eighties, we're all now eating mountains of roughage and fibre.

Fibre = copious amounts of soft poo = skiddies.

Also contributes to extravagant amounts of guffing, leading to dangerous levels of methane and carbon dioxide in the atmos. And smells, plus risk of spontaneous combustion.

So, if you wish your DH to stop ornamenting the marital bed with racing stripes, you must hide the muesli. Or buy brown sheets - I believe the offending shittery would still be visible upon black.

epeems so he gets up, showers, then puts on dirty underwear? And properly dirty because he only uses one sheet of loo roll per poo. I could not remain with such a man.

Jesus, I thought dp clogging the pipe system with his mammoth logs was bad enough

The problem with black or brown sheets is that other...ahem...stains are much more noticeable. (Boak) One cannot win.

epeems Buy him "day of the week" pants. Very sophisticated

yurgh!! Seriously?? One sheet of paper? As in no perforations between the two ends? For a POO?? That is surely not actually possible.

I've heard it all now.

1 sheet for a poopoo??? No way!

My DH is a skuzzy arse but that's appalling.

Get him to read this thread. He'll soon clean his act up.

My XH used to claim that he 'didn't have time' to wipe himself properly after a poo.

Skiddies everywhere- pants, trousers (because he thought he was dead sexy going 'commando'), sheets.

And he only bathed/showered a couple of times a week.

I cited the above in my divorce. The solicitor's face was a picture

Yeah thats pretty nasty. DH has a very hairy bum so uses babywipes which gets rid of any probs.

"Fibre = copious amounts of soft poo = skiddies."

Sorry, but I don´t agree.

IMO, improperly wiped arse=skiddies.

"I cited the above in my divorce. The solicitor's face was a picture"

Shodan that is the funniest thing I have ever read on here!

I will never live with a man...ever. RANK

Shodan Seriously?! That was in your divorce? Can you do that? What did your ex say? What did the solicitor say? Oh I wish I had been there to see that.

(btw that sounds like my ex)

My Ex did such big logs he had to flush twice during a poo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is always time for a pristine wiped bottom in my humble opinion

maybe he's the dh that uses a cotton bud,thats why hes not so clean.

As its happened more than once I'd definitely be placing some wipes next to the loo and mentioning it.

He could have loose bowels and leakage?

Yes yes, its gross, but if it were my DH (who's not a slob or unhygienic) I think I'd be sympathetic and gentle at first.

Maybe its not a case of wiping properly but of 'wet farts'?

Okay I've spoken enough about this I feel a bit sick..... YANBU, but that doesn't mean necessarily that he's not wiping properly.

I guess I'm more sympathetic due to many incidents of sanitary towel leakage over the years where DH hasn't batted an eyelid, just changed the sheets... and of the few incidents where I wet the bed. eek.

I hate these shitty threads

"I cited the above in my divorce. The solicitor's face was a picture" ^^

hilarious thread. sniggering away here

Giggles @usualsuspect

OP that is just utterly vile and I can't express my sympathy for you enough.

I used to work with adults with Learning Disabilities and this was a daily occurrence I'm afraid but at least they had an excuse!. In your husbands case there is none whatsoever and I would be having a stern word. You should not have to deal with such hideousness! How on earth does he expect you to fancy him after you've being confronted by his excrement smeared sheets?

It's about this time of day I like to post a link to Clag-Gone - I believe it to be compulsory for a thread such as this.

Eradicate Cleft Discomfort.