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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moving away from ex

102 replies

Shouldiask · 08/09/2011 11:32

I have residency of our two sons.

And I've the opportunity to move back near my family and to a better job, about 300 miles.
This would restrict access to the children for my ex but I'm sure we could work something out.

Both DC want to go.

Would it be unreasonable to move?

OP posts:
Kayano · 08/09/2011 11:35

Can't answer really without ex's opinion really
How frequent is his access, is his family there too?

kelly2000 · 08/09/2011 12:01

Do not flame me, BUT In my opinion it would be unreasonable (assuming he was not abusive to them etc), the two children have a right to see their father frequently. Plus would you have to pay the costs for the father to visit them, could it influence the custody agreement.
However, I disagree with the tendancy to give nearly full custody to one parent. In my opinion as long as there has been no abuse, both parents should have equal custody.

sausagesandmarmelade · 08/09/2011 12:07

Don't see why you shouldn't move...

You have split up from your Ex and have your own life ahead of you. It's understandable that you should want to move closer to your family...and make the most of the job opportunity that you mention.

As you say, I am sure that something could be arranged to ensure that your Ex has the children for a reasonable amount of time. If it's handled appropriately there is no need for the children to be disadvantaged in any way....and there's always the telephone.

How old are the children?

sausagesandmarmelade · 08/09/2011 12:08

And I doubt very much that you would be liable to pay the costs of the children's travel to see their father....that's ridiculous.

whackamole · 08/09/2011 12:10

Being in the position of the NRP, I think you would be unreasonable if you don't make some sort of arrangement for access.

My DSS has moved 180 miles away, making it virtually impossible for us to see him. No direct trains means a 8 hour round trip at over £100 each or a 14 hour round trip on the bus.

We are heartbroken Sad but there was nothing we could do, we were given 4 weeks notice of the move.

Everything amicable on our part as well.

sausagesandmarmelade · 08/09/2011 12:15

But this is what happens sometimes when relationships split up (where there are kids involved). It's hard....but an inevitable consequence.

As regards travel....maybe they could go halves on the costs.

The courts have decided who has overall custody/residency and that should not come with conditions.

The OP has a right to a new life...with the support of close family nearby.
Wishing you all the best OP....go for it!

Malcontentinthemiddle · 08/09/2011 12:16

Do we know the courts have decided this? or is it just that that's how it's worked out?

It is difficult to comment, not knowing what the chap is like or what his relationship with the kids is like, but in general I do feel sorry for NRPs to whom this happens.

slavetofilofax · 08/09/2011 12:18

Need more details, but on the surface of it, I would say yes, yabu. Unless your children are old enough to do 300 mile journeys alone confidently, I don't think they are old enough to understand the true imapct of moving that far away from a parent, therefore saying that they want to go is completely irrelevant.

sausagesandmarmelade · 08/09/2011 12:18

I feel sorry for him too....BUT it's about quality rather than quantity....and his relationship with the kids need not suffer at all.

sausagesandmarmelade · 08/09/2011 12:19

and the kids will surely benefit from the relationships that they will have with their extended family..........

CurrySpice · 08/09/2011 12:21

Oh I have this dilema too. But when push comes to shove I just couldn't do it to the ex. Or the DCs.

That doesn't emans YABU. Just that I couldn't do it

Malcontentinthemiddle · 08/09/2011 12:22

Oh Sausages, you surely can't think his relationship with them won't suffer when they're 300 miles away? Skype's great and all that, but......

kelly2000 · 08/09/2011 12:23

Sausage,
Surely the children deserve a relationship with their father more than their extended family. It is not about what is best for the OP or the ex, it is about what is best for the children. In my opinion it is best for children to get to see both their parents equally.

AuntiePickleBottom · 08/09/2011 12:25

i feel for the nrp tbh, i would break me if dh moved 300 miles away taking the kids with him

sausagesandmarmelade · 08/09/2011 12:27

As I said before...the kids relationship with their father need not suffer AT all!

The OP will be happier and feel more supported near her family...and that will also benefit the kids.

I don't see why you are all being so negative about this!
Think outside the box!

Are you really saying that the mother should be tied to live near the Ex until the kids are old enough to travel themselves.

She is entitled to a new life...as is he!

slavetofilofax · 08/09/2011 12:28

Would you be prepared to pay all of the travel expenses for your dc and their Dad to have contact whenever they wanted? Because you should if you are going to separate children from one of their parents.

sausagesandmarmelade · 08/09/2011 12:28

How far is 300 miles anyway?

We have a good transport network in this country and there's no reason why the Ex shouldn't be able to see his kids often.

For all we know money may not even be an issue!

Malcontentinthemiddle · 08/09/2011 12:29

I don't understand why you think it need not suffer? If my children were moved 300 miles away, I don't doubt for a moment my relationship with them would suffer. I wouldn't love them less, I wouldn't care less, I'd talk as much as I could and see them when I could, but if I could no longer be involved in their day to day lives, of course my relationship with them would suffer!

And to be honest, yes, I think once you have kids you probably do owe it to them to make sure if you possibly can that they have both parents as nearby as possible, assuming no history of DV or anything obviously.

sausagesandmarmelade · 08/09/2011 12:30

Would you be prepared to pay all of the travel expenses for your dc and their Dad to have contact whenever they wanted?

Why should she pay ALL of the expenses....when she is keeping the kids anyway and presumably paying a fair amount in food, clothing and all the rest of it.

We don't know how much he is contributing....but travel costs may not be a problem to him at all!

CurrySpice · 08/09/2011 12:31

Sausage, there's thinking outside the box, and there's thinking completely unrealistically.

My ex has the kids 2-3 nights a week. His home is a home to them. He picks them up from school. Drops them at school. Cooks for them. All the things I do

And all that can be replaced with skype?!? WTF?!

I wonder how you would feel if your kids were taken 300 miles away and someone said. Don't worry, don't be upset, everyone will be fine, because there's skype!!

AuntiePickleBottom · 08/09/2011 12:32

it would be like moving from london to glasgow

sausagesandmarmelade · 08/09/2011 12:32

But does he have day to day contact with them anyway????

If he's working every day he may not. He may just see them at weekends.......

slavetofilofax · 08/09/2011 12:32

Are you really saying that the mother should be tied to live near the Ex until the kids are old enough to travel themselves

Erm.. yes! Because she made a commitment to put her children first when she gave birth to them, and she made a commitment to her ex when she chose to have children with him!

How would you feel after splitting up with your partner and already having to deal with the fact that you can't see your children every day, if you then discovered that every time you wanted to see your own children you had to travel for hours and plan it in detail? And had to spend part of the already limited time you were meant to be enjoying with them you had to spend travelling? And you had to pay extra for the privelidge?

Malcontentinthemiddle · 08/09/2011 12:33

I imagine he will start having to pay her a lot more maintenance, too, once he can't see them as often.

CurrySpice · 08/09/2011 12:35

I think you are far too blase Sausages. I really do.

I just couldn't do it in my circs, I just couldn't