Moving away from ex

[Shouldiask]

I have residency of our two sons.

And I've the opportunity to move back near my family and to a better job, about 300 miles.
This would restrict access to the children for my ex but I'm sure we could work something out.

Both DC want to go.

Would it be unreasonable to move?

Erm.. yes! Because she made a commitment to put her children first when she gave birth to them, and she made a commitment to her ex when she chose to have children with him!

Really? You know this?

I think you are far too blase Sausages. I really do.

Oh well...

I personally think many of you are being completely un-sympathetic to the OP and her circumstances. I feel very sorry for her and feel she deserves a new start.

on the whole i think its never good to move kids so far away from their parents, whichever one it is.

but the job opportunity, just how good is it exactly, will it mean life is much easier, would you have the money to make sure your kids see their father regularly? what does your ex think about it?

how old are the children, you say they want to move, but are they really old enough to understand the consequences of the move?

Of course...he could always move to the same area as her. How about that?

Then she could still be close to her family....get the job she wants and he could be physically close to the children.

I guess that would be unreasonable expecting him to have to up-sticks?

But it's not unreasonable to expect the OP to stay where she is, potentially be unhappy and feel un-supported and not to have the job opportunity that she wants?

I agree with Kelly - the OP is a grown adult with better coping mechanisms and life experience. Her kids don't have that and the effect on them of moving so far away from father and father's family will be life defining. Suck it up for the kids. Put yourself in their shoes. Put yourself in their fathers shoes. You brought children into the world with him. You chose your children's father. 300 miles is a huge distance.

Suck it up for the kids

The kids WANT to go!

sausage, as he her children has said they would like to move i assume they are in school...is it fair on the DC to move away from there school, friends, activities ect

Err why not?

I went to 4 or 5 different schools when I was a child....

I don't think I suffered. Surprisingly kids often have to move schools!

Did she make that commitment slaveto or is that a particular law of nature that i just happen to never have come across. Parents often put themselves before their children and, actually, without knowing the full details this may not even fall in that bracket. Better job for the mother and the benefits for the DC's that that incurs, closer links to extended family etc It's not a fully crappy position.

Even in a perfect world, parents break up for starters, never mind managing custody. Also, not all parents want to see their kids. Just because you have quite exacting (and fully approved) standards does not mean everyone else does or should.

OP i'd say chat to your ex and get his input. How old are you children, where would the move be to?

How old are the kids?! Are they saying that because of OP making it clear SHE wants to go, how fab it would be etc etc?

Do they feel able or indeed are they able to articulate their worries or concerns?

Kids may also say they want pizza for breakfast lunch and tea and to go to bed at midnight every night. Parents make ultimate decisions based on what's best for the kids. What beats a loving, close relationship with both parents in a growing child???

A move that limits contact will be bound to impact on the children's relationship with the nrp. I wouldn't do it to my ex, and would be heartbroken if he did it to me. More important, the children love both of us and want to see both of us.

While the views of the children should be taken into account if they are mature enough to express them, I am sometimes wonder about one parent or another saying "the dcs want", as there is always a danger the dcs will feel they have to please the parent who is asking the question. It can put unfair pressure on the children to ask them.

I think there have been cases where a move of this sort has been disputed, and the court has permitted the rp to move, but also imposed a condition that the rp pay the nrp's travelling expenses.

How does nrp feel about it? It's cruel to do it without him knowing what the haps are.

I've seen couples break up when they both are from different countries and living in a third. They both made a decision to try to move to same countries together. Not easy but there are always options to explore.

An as someone who went to 4 primaries and then boarding school, moving about like that can teach you some great life lessons and make you very adaptable.

If my ex wanted to take my son 300 miles away the first place I'd go is to the family court for a Prohibited Steps Order.

"A PSO also applies to any jurisdiction within the UK as specified by the court at the time of issue. For example, if the court finds that there are grounds to suspect the parent in question may take their child out of the area, then they may specify in the order that they do not do so. Failure to comply with this order is a criminal offence (often charged as kidnapping) and could result in a custodial sentence."

There is too much not known here, ages of the children, how it will affect their schooling, how contact with Dad will happen, what contact Dad currently has.

Way too many unknowns to offer a valid opinion.

I'd say that up until about 13, if my mum had said we'd move so far away, that shed get a fab new job, new life, exciting change yada yada, I'd have probably seen it was what she wanted and smiled and nodded and gone along with it.

I'd have also lain in bed at night with huge anxiety about my dad and missing him, and the effect on him too. I just wouldn't have wanted to upset my mum.

Don't put your kids through that. Their dad is a much as an important part of them as you. How would they feel if they were asked to move so far from you?

Once again the age of the kids is hugely relevant and a lacking detail

I don't think it would BU to move. I don't think that a seperated couple should feel compelled to live close to each other. And nor does the law, which would, if it came to battling it out, judge that adequate access should be maintained in a different way, for example, fewer weekend visits and more holiday time spent with the NRP.

FWIW in my family we (I, DH & DCs) live several hours from Ex (DCs' father) and several hours in the opposite direction from DSS & DH's Ex. All DCs see NRP at least every other weekend, often more, and during hols. We also use mobile phones and skype on a daily basis. None of the relationships have suffered. In fact all the DCs are better off in one way or another because of the benefits (irrelevent to this thread) of the moves of their fathers (in this instance it was the NRPs who moved, but I don't think it makes much odds who moves).

It takes effort, forward planning, more structure than most families need (but that's part of being a step family anyway), and costs more than if we all lived round the corner from each other. hey ho, raising a family takes those things anyway.

As a single Parent O.P. I sympathise. Having lived my life in the past feeling like it's constantly tied to someone else and adjusting it to that some else's needs because of kids I say go. It's your life. As long as you aren't trashing the NRP and doing everything else to maintain some contact. If you will feel better mentally/emotionally do it. I'm sorry, but no one should continue to base major life decisions on what someone else is doing or live their life for someone who may have made a choice to leave the family. (i'm assuming a lot there but that's usually the case)

Don't feel any guilt about it. Don't look back.

Shiney- when you have kids you should be expected to live your life based around what's best for another person. Ie your kids.

fourkids we can't know what the court would decide because we don't know the circumstances.

Let's say that they are important stages in their education, or having specific out of school activities, teams and a strong friendship group the area and it's the only place they've known, let's say they are saying what Mum wants to hear to Mum and what Dad wants to hear to Dad.

The courts may deem it to be in the children's best interest to stay with Dad and let Mum do the travelling.

More information needed from the OP.

I have every sympathy with the OP sausages because I have been / am in the same situation. I live 150 miles away from my family and my job is portable and I would LOVE to go back "home" and the cost of living there means I would be much better off.

But I won't. Because I couldn't do that to the kids and their dad.

Like I say, how would you react if your kids' dad said "I'm taking the kids 300 miles away for a great job and to be near my family, hope you don't mind. You can always skype"

I have no problem with the OP moving away whatseoever. If that's what she decides to do I wish her and her DCs all the best, I really do.

The only thing I object to is the idea that it won't matter to the kids / the NR parent because there's alays skype. It's simplistic to say the least

Diasgree Glitterkitten: Being a sole resident single parent is bloody tough. You say do what is best for the children. I'd say that starts with ensuring that the RESIDENT parent with MAJOR overall responsibilty (and we could argue the fairness of major residency but that's a different argument the point is the children will spend more time with one parent and it is better that that parent be in a good position to raise them) is mentally and emotionally happy, and has a support base. Otherwise they will NOT be doing the best for their kids. Being a possibly depressed single parent with no family nearby and no money or job prospects isn't great for kids either. If the O.P will have friends and family for support, a better job and living conditions, and be a more balanced parent that is better for the children. There us no such thing as an ideal breakup. Things can and do happen.

Excellent post Shiney and fourkids

and also from parents who've been in similar situations to the OP and who know exactly what they are talking about....and where she is coming from.

I have been in a simelar position to the OP, as far as I know because she has told us very little, so I do know where she is coming from. And more importantly, I have been in the position of her children, I still think it would be very very selfish to move away from her ex.

My nieces live in a town where neither of their divorced parents particularly want to live. The mum wants to move back to her very small rural town, the dad wants to move to Seattle. He could not get work in the rural town and has no links to it, she could not get a visa to go to Seattle although he would have hugely enhanced job opportunities there, so they stay where they are for the children's sakes - it is the best compromise location.

They both recognise and agree this is a sacrifice they will make till the youngest is 16, and then able to travel freely. It is tough, and unfair, of course it is. But it is also the right thing to do.

I had a good high school friend whose father moved far away when he was 10. He still gets teary-eyed thinking about it. He feels his relationship never really got to grow past that point. Even now, when we are an age when our parents are elderly and some have passed on, he mused how we all knew each other's parents and attended their funerals, but no-one knew his dad at all and so when the time comes he will have less support around.

My own father left my mum and moved 10,000 miles away. My ILs barely know him, whereas my mother is completely integrated into their family unit. This makes me sad in many ways, as I feel that they only half know me. And I was in my twenties when he moved!

The other thing to think about is what choices your children will make later. My friend's mum moved from India to UK, taking the girls with her. One later decided to move back to her father and her father's family. Both girls enjoyed their childhoods, but they were so far apart that they really ended up more like cousins than siblings, and the mother only has a good relationship with the one who stayed in the UK. In fact, she has now (in her seventies) moved back to India to try to get to know her grandchildren.

The implications of choices made now can last a very long time.

Parenting is a hard old game, and I have no doubt single parenting is harder. I wouldn't say YABU to go, life is never that simple. But I think you do need to be brutally honest with yourself and assess how it will work straight away, in 5 years, in 10 years, etc. And put yourself in your ex's shoes and think about how it will be for him, and what you would want if the roles were reversed.

Good luck.

Mitmoo, That's possibly valid. However if we take what the OP says to be fact..

the OP will have a better job (can we read that as higher paid?), and will therefore be in a better position to financially support the DCs

the OP will have a family support network, which is good for DCs

the DCs want to go

the OP is prepared to what is needed to maintain a good relationship between the DCs and the Ex

...in my experience (not personal, I might add, but of friends and colleagues) the law is generally reasonable, expecting co-operation and compromise from both parents, and accepting that epopel will move around the country (and out of it occasionally).

If the information given by the OP is not accurate then the debate is pointless, and no-one's opinion holds any validity.

OP, I might also add that I have known more than one person, who, when faced with your dilemma, have decided to stay, only to find that a year or two later the Ex meets someone else/gets offered a better job and moves away themself!!