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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Moving away from ex

102 replies

Shouldiask · 08/09/2011 11:32

I have residency of our two sons.

And I've the opportunity to move back near my family and to a better job, about 300 miles.
This would restrict access to the children for my ex but I'm sure we could work something out.

Both DC want to go.

Would it be unreasonable to move?

OP posts:

fourkids · 08/09/2011 13:50

MrsDaffodill, it sounds like some of those decisions made life tough further down the line...but none of that has any great relevance to the OP.

This isn't about being 10,000 miles apart, in different countries or not being able to visit at all because of visa difficulties. This is about 300 miles in the same country in 2011, with all the travel options and technological communication advances that brings.

Can I just be clear though, that I'm not advocating the OP should move away. I'm just advocating that it wouldn't necessarily be unreasonable for her to do so. The choice is hers, with all the facts available to her. And the fact that she has a choice is really important.

GypsyMoth · 08/09/2011 13:53

Sockpuppetry on this thread IMO!

Op says she has 'residency'....... So it's been to court then, as that's how residency is obtained. And there will be a court order, which is legally binding, and the op will be BREAKING by moving away making court ordered contact impossible to stick to. So, op breaks it......or returns to court to inform judge and gain a variation.....and her ex is then aware of the plans and could make it all very difficult

So, what d oes the court order say?
How old are the children?
What dies their dad think to these plans?

Op??

GypsyMoth · 08/09/2011 13:54

Or is op just saying she has 'residency' as the dc live with her and she hasn't officially gained it?

MrsDaffodill · 08/09/2011 13:56

Fourkids, you are quite right, they are not directly relevant. I did think they helped illustrate future scenarios, whether or not they were a direct fit - maybe not, I tend to like thinking in stories and examples, but not everyone else does. We don't know what the 300 mile journey would be like - if is one bus or one train, that's quite different from a series of transport changes, for example.

I would never say she shouldn't go, we don't know enough and we are not in her shoes.

fourkids · 08/09/2011 13:58

MrsDaffodill, I wasn't having a go :)

MrsDaffodill · 08/09/2011 14:00

Fourkids - didn't think you were.

sausagesandmarmelade · 08/09/2011 14:01

Sockpuppetry on this thread IMO!

Err...why throw that into the mix? Hardly on topic.

I for one have name changed...like months back...and since then only used this name. Name-changing is allowed...troll hunting (or variations of it) is not!

Not saying you are referring to me, but whoever you are referring to...your comment is irrelevant and off topic....and just designed to offend!

NodsSmilesandBacksAway · 08/09/2011 14:07

Are you really saying that the mother should be tied to live near the Ex until the kids are old enough to travel themselves.

yes, thats the choice she made when she made children with another person. She will be tied to him until the kids are 18

BaronessOrczy · 08/09/2011 14:09

My DSD lives 400 miles away. We can only afford to go and see her once a month, a fact which we are regularly berated for, yet more frequent contact than once a week (via phone / skype) is discouraged - that's a whole separate issue though.

It breaks her father's heart, and greatly upsets me. As she gets older she is losing interest in DP, doesn't really want to chat to him on the phone, he can't go to her school play, to her sports day, etc. His ExP won't come halfway even though she moved, so we drive 6 hours to get there, incurring all the costs.

We constantly discuss moving closer but have yet to reach a decision - and we can't afford to move at the moment anyway.

If you are prepared to facilitate a relationship - ie not always be to busy to chat, be in when arranged calls are to be made, and will make an effort to go halfway to meet up, then talk to your ex. Like all long distance relationships, it takes a lot of work.

HTH

NodsSmilesandBacksAway · 08/09/2011 14:10

we seem to forget the children belong to the father just as much as they do the mother, he should have just as much say about where they live and what their lives are like

i really feel for some of the fathers to children of mothers on this thread, i really do. They seem to think their kids were made by immaculate conception and no one but them makes the decisions about the children

GypsyMoth · 08/09/2011 14:11

Sausages, hit a nerve there did I?

sausagesandmarmelade · 08/09/2011 14:19

It was just a very cheap shot.......

Intentional...but cheap nevertheless

sausagesandmarmelade · 08/09/2011 14:21

nodssmilesandbacksaway

Has anyone said that only the mother is entitled to make the decisions?

Not sure how you can get that view at all from reading all of the posts properly (unless there is something I have missed)

Snapespeare · 08/09/2011 14:25

I moved from Glasgow to London last year to take my dream job, leaving my childrens father in Glasgow with his gf and new child. he is always welcome in our house, as the kids father (circumstances dictate that they cannot stay with him, the house is too small and belongs to his gf)

we split up over ten years ago when our youngest was 9 months old. (children are now 16, 13 & 12) he had a relationship with another woman and left us. I stayed in Glasgow miserable for ten years, so that he could see his children. For a couple of years, I dropped them off & picked them up (round trip 50+ miles) so that he could spend alternate weekends with them - he had lost his driving licence. I haven't received maintenance in so long that I can't actually remember (& I appreciate that these are two seperate and distinct matters) I feel that I have been as accomodating and amicable as possible...so when my dream job came up - I took it. we moved 450 miles away. .

we're happy. kids are settled, their father is encouraged to come and see us as often as possible. there were bad, dark periods when we lived in Glasgow where he ignored them for months on end/

In my circumstances ( & this may not apply to OP) yes, I made a commitment to my children to put them first when i had them and yes - I made a commitment to my ex when I chose to have children with him.... but he didn't hold true to that commitment. He broke the promise.

It is individual circumstances. It won't work for everyone, people have varying personal circumstances , as exampled by my personal experience above - it is impossible to know everything about the OP from her post. It might work and it might not - it is a calculated risk and i think it is very dependant on how old your children are and their personalities and relationship with their dad.

it's difficult to stay and difficult to go :) No matter what you do as a mother, sometimes, it just isn't the right thing according to someone else.

kelly2000 · 08/09/2011 14:30

Sausage,
yes when parents have children they have a responsibility to the children, and a part of that is that even if the parents divorce the children are not removed from one parent just because the other parent wants to get on with their life. The parents chose to get divorced not the children. Children deserve to have both parents in their lives as much as possible and so for thta reason until the children hit 18, the parents are going to be tied to one another. I cannot imagine the OP would be prepared to move 300 miles away if it meant giving up custody to the other parent.

minimisschief · 08/09/2011 14:34

I would talk to him because he has every right to say no and can legally prevent you from moving anyway.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/09/2011 14:38

Why are we assuming OP is female and that it's a Dad being left behind? If the OP was male, would we feel differently about removing children 300 miles from their mother?

fourkids · 08/09/2011 14:38

"children belong to the father just as much as they do the mother"

No, children don't BELONG to anyone. And this should be about the children. And it might, or might not, be the case that the OP's DCs would be better off for various reasons if they move, or equally well off.

This decision should not be about DCs belonging to their fathers. It should be about both parents trying to do their best for all concerned. And sometimes the best will be for the seperated parents to not live very close to each other (for any number of reasons). Sometimes it won't.

missmehalia · 08/09/2011 14:47

Have a chat to him and see what he says. If he's vehemently opposed, you may have a battle on your hands and it may not seem so tempting.

There are a whole lot of variables here and history that are invisible, and that could make a lot of difference. What the relationships are like all round, for example, the DC's ages, how close the children are to their mother's family, how much they are currently seeing their dad, whether they stay with him much, etc. And I haven't even started on their school and social lives, which get more and more important as they get older and don't necessarily want to spend every weekend with either one of their parents. The list goes on and on.

And besides (I say, at the risk of getting flamed), if it was the dad who had the career opportunity, improved finances and extended family support dangled in front of him, I bet there wouldn't be nearly so much fuss. What happens if you turn this down, and then in 6 months time he decides to move away? If you don't make the move, then he has to agree to the same commitment to stay as local as he is now until the youngest is 16/18/21, whatever. There's never a good time. But some times are worse than others.

GypsyMoth · 08/09/2011 15:10

Cogito.... Until op comes back to give more info then it's a pretty useless thread!

gotolder · 08/09/2011 15:13

I don't understand why the OP is being told that she is being unreasonable; if it was the children's father who wanted to move to further his career, he probably wouldn't even ask.

My ex travelled the world within his career and never considered his DCs except for sending postcards and bringing back cheap presents. Whilst home he always tried to make his own wishes the priority but the DCs lives were their own and he eventually had to come to terms with that. He wasn't someone I wanted in their lives as he was arrogant and bullying and on occasion violent, which was why he is ex but he was their father and they did love him, so I did my best to keep the relationship civil.

Would those on here who are telling the OP that she mustn't move tell the father the same?

StrandedBear · 08/09/2011 15:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kelly2000 · 08/09/2011 15:19

I think if the father moved away from his children he be just as unreasonable.

Malcontentinthemiddle · 08/09/2011 15:19

'he can move too'? What, and just hope there's a job there, or at least a house he can rent for no money until he gets one?

There's a lot of horribly cold-heartedness on this thread.

StrandedBear · 08/09/2011 15:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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