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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moving away from ex

102 replies

Shouldiask · 08/09/2011 11:32

I have residency of our two sons.

And I've the opportunity to move back near my family and to a better job, about 300 miles.
This would restrict access to the children for my ex but I'm sure we could work something out.

Both DC want to go.

Would it be unreasonable to move?

OP posts:
StrandedBear · 08/09/2011 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Shouldiask · 08/09/2011 15:28

Thanks for the replies.
I am the father, so it's a bit more unusual.
I can't give too much detail as it would completely out me in real-life.

But the responses have given me a lot to ponder. Thanks.

OP posts:
sausagesandmarmelade · 08/09/2011 15:33

Well thank you stranded!

As for the OP being a man....my answer is exactly the same.
You have been granted residency of the children for a reason. The kids are happy with your decision. The relationship is over...there are opportunities open to you now which could enhance yours and your childrens lives.
You are considering your Ex in all this...and will no doubt maintain dialogue.

Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do!

fourkids · 08/09/2011 15:33

CogitoErgoSometimes, are you telepathic??!! :)

Now I'd like everyone who posted to come back and verify that they feel the same!

I, for one, can't see that makes a difference which parent is asking the question...

fourkids · 08/09/2011 15:35

be interesting if OP's Ex asks the same question now from the opposite point of view...

StrandedBear · 08/09/2011 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slavetofilofax · 08/09/2011 16:30

My answer is the same too, it is unfair to the children and the other parent to move children away from a parent who is involved in their lives.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/09/2011 16:36

The OP was careful to avoid references to gender because he knows the idea of a child separated from its mother is rather more emotive than one separated from its father. My personal view is that whilst this shouldn't matter, it does. Putting 300 miles between a kid and either parent is a distressing prospect. Putting 300 miles between a kid and its mother - however inadequate that mother might be - is very sad indeed.

CurrySpice · 08/09/2011 17:15

I feel exactly the same.

In fact I postulated the same scenario earlier on

Is your "residency" official through the courts OP?

missmehalia · 08/09/2011 17:42

I stand by my comments, too.

MrsDaffodill · 08/09/2011 17:49

I stand by my comments. In fact, my examples were split between men and women leaving anyway.

mumof4sons · 08/09/2011 17:52

I am in the same boat as OP and I want to move 3000 miles away to be near my family. I would be able to give my boys a better quality of life if I moved. I don't think it is unfair to my ex. He is the one that decided to walk out on his family for selfish reasons. My DSs only see him every other weekend and have virtually no contact between those weekends. In fact they've said if they moved away that they would see him more on their holidays than they do now.

Go for it! You deserve a new life too.

HappyMummyOfOne · 08/09/2011 18:11

YABU, if your ex did this to you i'm sure you would not be happy. The courts should give both parents 50/50 residency so that one parent cannot have more say than the other and use the children as pawns.

shineynewthings · 08/09/2011 18:38

My original comments stand. If you have official residency and you can give them and yourself a better quality of life you should go for it. It is rare for a man to be granted full custody anyway, so I'm assuming that there's a good reason for it.

missmehalia · 08/09/2011 19:01

Mind you, 50/50 residency may also mean that the children involved never really have one home, but rather than shoot from one place to another like ping pong balls and have to have two lots of everything. Sounds v unsettling to me. Let's consider the childrens' world before either of the parents: Their world is (usually/often) get up, breakfast/dress, go to school, maybe an after school club or home for play/telly whatever, then dinner and bed. This is made much, much harder if they're trying to keep it going at two addresses. It suits the parents very well, but not always the children. I have a v good friend trying to do exactly this at the moment. Despite her and her ex living quite close by, and their relationship amicable, and her son opting for it (in order not to hurt either parent, as it later turned out), it can be fraught with difficulty.

Original poster
Shouldiask · 08/09/2011 19:02

I was (and am) the main-carer, so it was natural the children stayed with me.

My ex is a career type so it's a bit of a role reversal.

And I'm not using anyone as pawns.

OP posts:
missmehalia · 08/09/2011 19:09

I don't think it would have been fair of anyone to suggest or assume it.. if I were in your shoes and the other parent didn't make much fuss I'd go for it like a shot. There's such a thing as considering yourself as a role model for them, too - you will be able to make time for them and combine that with improved support and work opportunities. It's called having a balanced life! Grin

fourkids · 08/09/2011 19:15

Shouldiask, some discussions about logistics required next then, I should think, in order to enable a totally informed decision :)

I'm glad the majority of posters feel the same about the rights and wrongs of such a move whoever the DCs live with. It would be interesting to repost the question with all the information in and see what people said...you would imagine, then, that it would go the same way. And to repost it from Ex's POV. Sometimes it just depends on how emotive the post is...and the mood of the baying crowd on the day!

Nanny0gg · 08/09/2011 19:16

This may have already been asked.
What would be the views if it was the non-resident parent wanting to move 300 miles away?
Would they be told that it was okay and they would still be able to have lots of quality time?
Or would they be accused of virtually abandoning their children?

missmehalia · 08/09/2011 19:25

Yet another thought - I don't think you would have posted on here if you were the conscience-free kind of person to use your children as pawns and completely disregard the feelings of the other parent.

FabbyChic · 08/09/2011 19:40

I moved my children who were 11 and 16 at the time 110 miles away.

Was the best thing for them, not for me, but it is only the children that matter.

Original poster
Shouldiask · 09/09/2011 07:45

Thanks for all the opinions, lots to ponder.

Do you want me to post when the decision has been made?

OP posts:
fourkids · 09/09/2011 09:23

Well, your decision-making experience may well be useful to other people who are pondering similar things. Although these threads sometimes feel like a bun fight, I think people do often draw useful feedback from them. Certainly, I am frequently surprised by the variety of opinions, which makes me step back and look at my own, even if I don't necessarily change them.

Also , don't you know that women have a reputation for nosiness?!

kelly2000 · 09/09/2011 10:23

Shouldask,
My comments stand the same, children should not be punished just because their parents are not together anymore. They have the right to be near both parents, moving them away from one parent is not in their best interests. Once you have children with a person you are tied to that person until the children are sixteen, its a part of being a parent. The only exception for this should be if the parent was abusive to the children.

missmehalia · 09/09/2011 10:33

If you decide to go, then bear in mind you can probably undo it if it doesn't work out. If you decide to stay, you may miss the opportunity altogether, although there could be others too... just saying!

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