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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU about MIL coming to stay for 4 months after DC is born

100 replies

letsgorunning · 07/09/2011 22:38

First off I love my MIL she is a wonderful person and we get on like a house on fire.

DH is Danish, I'm not. (we met out there as I lived there for about a decade and speak danish fluently and to each other)
We moved back to the UK about a year ago and first DC due in 2 mnths.

She wants to come over for 4 months straight after baby is born and stay with us the whole time.
DH I know misses his family, our DC will be first Grandchild etc etc. And he would love her to come for that length of time and stay with us, see newborn DC.

But 4 months?!?!?

As much as I love her I don't want her staying in the house and here generally as soon as I've given birth for that length of time. (I do mean as soon as, she was saying she would get the soonest flight possible once she knows I've gone into labour)

DH really wants her to come so AIBU about it??

OP posts:

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 07/09/2011 22:44

I would not want anyone to live with me for 4 months. Even my own mother whom I love dearly. Ask your DH if he would be happy for your mother/father to do the same, with him having to stay in and not go to work for the entire time

plupervert · 07/09/2011 22:46

Why don't you have DH's paternity leave be just the three of you, and then have your MIL? That way, you will get to bond, and DH will get to prove himself as an all-competent Scandi-dad!

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 07/09/2011 22:46

p.s - my name has nothing to do with your dilemma

LikeACandleButNotQuite · 07/09/2011 22:47

oh my word! that is taking it to the extreme?!

You really really need to discuss this with your DH, for him to broach it with your MIL.

Good luck.

yellowsubmarine41 · 07/09/2011 22:47

YANBU. 4 months! No way.

If I was in this situation with a MIL who I got on with I would like a flying-ish visit eg less than a week when baby is fairly young, followed by a more lengthly stay of your choice when the baby is a few months, when you're feeling a bit on top of things but would welcome another pair of hands.

RedOnion · 07/09/2011 22:47

If you really do get along with her as well as you say then sit her down and explain. Your offer of help and support is so much appreciated but, as I am sure you will understand, I am going to need to have time with my baby alone, with my husband and my baby alone. I will be grateful for your help and assistance but I feel that in the probably vulnerable state that I will be in, learning to care for my newborn, I need to have my own space and the ability to figure this out for myself.

If she doesn't understand then insist your H kicks up a fuss

You will NEED time, space and comfort when adjusting to your newborn. You are going to have to speak up. Or get your H to do it.

RedOnion · 07/09/2011 22:49

Oh and very sorry to be SOOO un PC but, unless your H is the one giving birth and then experiencing the post birth feelings, hormones and general blerr-ness (new word, yah), he does NOT get to tell you who will be living in your home after you have just given birth to his child.

piprabbit · 07/09/2011 22:49

Sounds like my idea of hell TBH.

Not because MILs are bad in anyway, but the stress of having someone other than my DH in the house round the clock while I was adjusting to BFing, coping with crying, sitting around with my boobs out, sobbing for no real reason etc. I really didn't find being a new mum a sociable experience at all until baby was about 3 months old - before then I was sunk in my own private world where day and night were interchangeable. It was hard enough putting on an 'acceptable' front (with tidy house and clean and dressed self and baby) when we have visitors - let alone trying to cope with overnight guests.

My concern would be that if your MIL goes ahead with this plan, and you agree to it, between the two of you things will be done and said that could irreparably damage your relationship for the long term. BTW Where will DH be? How quickly will he be returning to work?

Perhaps it would be better (assuming travel costs aren't an issue) for her to plan to pop over for no more than a week at a time - but do it every month. That way she could genuinely help give you support and a break, you would hopefully look forward to her visit with pleasure and she would get to see the baby growing up and becoming interesting, crawling, toddling etc. over a much longer period of time.

wannaBe · 07/09/2011 22:50

no.

That is all.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 07/09/2011 22:52

I wonder if your DH's enthusiasm for this plan stems from his own feelings (understandable) that he might not know what he's doing and the reassurance of his mum being around. Tell him what a great dad he will be and how you are looking forward to embarking on this great adventure with him.

eaglewings · 07/09/2011 22:52

Even your bestest ever friend staying for more than a week would be a no no!

This could seriously affect your relationship with your mil and dh

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 07/09/2011 22:52

and NO

pigletmania · 07/09/2011 22:53

My goodness NO! However nice anyone is, you will need your own space to bond with your dc and be together as a family. I speak of someone who had her MIL stay for a month before the birth of dd and a month after, so 2 months in total. It just added to the stress. Put your foot down and be assertive here. I am pg with dc2 and will need PIL to come and stay (they live abroad), as i have nobody who can reliably look after dd whilst I give birth, but that will be for a couple of weeks, dh will be with me or will have to work. No family, and the friends i do have, work so cant be relied upon totally.

Original poster

letsgorunning · 07/09/2011 22:56

piprabbit Um he's taking 3 weeks after birth then back to work (taking rest after I go back) So for 3 mnths he would be at work mon-fri.

OP posts:

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 07/09/2011 22:58

Any relatives she can stay with? And can she really be away from home for 4 months. Does she not have a cat to feed or something?

babybythesea · 07/09/2011 22:59

No, definitely you are not BU.
My MIL is from New Zealand. When my dd was 3 months old she came for a month. I really enjoy my MIL's company - she's a lovely lovely lady and I'm very lucky. But a month was a bit much. Not because of anything specific that annoyed me, it was just the pressure of having someone else around all the time. She didn't want to hire a car so she was dependent on me for going out and there were days when frankly, I didn't want to. But then I felt bad for just sitting around. If I tried to have a lie in with the baby (i'd feed her about 7.00am and then we'd both go back to sleep cuddled up together) I always had the fact that MIL was there and desperate to see the baby and spend time with her in the back of my mind - we ended up with a routine whereby I would take dd to her after the feed and MIL would get that morning snuggle. It worked and she loved the time but after a month I was thinking 'I'd like to cuddle my own baby now thanks.'

If I'm on my own, I get to lunchtime and throw something together but suddenly having someone else in the house, who isn't independent, means you've got to factor them in and shopping becomes more urgent.

My MIL did keep dropping in 'hints' but because dd was 3 months, I had a fair idea of what I was doing and felt able to sort out the tips I liked and could adopt from the ones I didn't - it was a confidence thing. Bottle feeding got to be an issue - the only one luckily. DD was EBF, but MIL wanted me to bottle feed because then she would be able to do it. I stuck to my guns - it took ages to get bf established and I was turning dd over to MIL for the rest of the time as it was. I knew she wouldn't see her again for ages, and it was important for her to spend every possible second with her, but similarly, she was still my baby and I wanted to hold her at least sometimes! Bf was a great way of making sure i had to have contact! I think if MIL had been there earlier, and seen how hard I found bf, I might have been pressured into giving it up and that would have been a real shame because I got to love it.

You need time to be together as a family unit of three - get to know your own baby first and then let other people get to know him/her.

blackeyedsusan · 07/09/2011 23:00

you are kidding right? right

NO NO NO DO NOT do do it. it will be hell. you will be tired, sleep deprived sore and tired and sleep deprived and did I mention tired. ones brain plays tricks when you are tired. you can not think straight and you will just want to be left alone with h and baby.

in 4 months she is going to say something to you that will upset you as one gets a tad sensitive when one is tired... it could all end horribly...

Crosshair · 07/09/2011 23:01

4 months is far too long imo. I would try and compromise for a month at the start and another visit when the baby is abit older around the 5 month mark?

blackeyedsusan · 07/09/2011 23:03

cross hair NO still far too long to have someone under your feet.

Beamur · 07/09/2011 23:04

Would the cost of a short term let somewhere close by be out of the question? That way she could come and see you often, but you'd all have your own space too.

piprabbit · 07/09/2011 23:05

How about scheduling her first visit to start while your DH is on his 3rd week of leave. That way you get 2 weeks alone with your DH and new baby, then DH gets to spend a week with his mum (and can entertain her on your behalf).

If push comes to shove, she could stay for a fortnight and give you some support in that first week after DH goes back to work, which can be tricky to cope with. You could task her with the cooking and cleaning , seriously...

shelscrape · 07/09/2011 23:07

Getting on a plane as soon as you are in labour??? Ummm, no way!

OK, so she wants to see her first grandchild. I can understand that and no doubt you want her to be a good grandparent. But you and your DH need a chance to be a family together first and foremost. Does your MIL drive? Would she be willing to drive inthe UK? I think you need to put your foot down, yes MIL is welcome, but not so soon and not for so long. I wouldn't let her come for the first month, you need the freedom to wander around in your PJ's all day with the baby if that is what you want, not worrying about entertaining guests.

Crosshair · 07/09/2011 23:07

Yeah I mean I dont want anyone staying with us when our baby comes. But compared to a possible 4 months any less seems like a better option to me. :)

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 07/09/2011 23:07

I am feeling anxious on your behalf. Do mot under any circumstances, agree.

Take it from all of us who've had multiple babies. The circumstances around the birth of your first will affect you for a long time afterwards

ShoutyHamster · 07/09/2011 23:07

If you get on great with your MIL now, for God's sake keep it that way and make absolutely sure she does NOT stay for more than a couple of nights in the first three months, and absolutely NOT until you feel up to it after the birth itself.

It's a very precious but also difficult and challenging time. And also, it's YOUR time, for the first time, as a new family. Even if you actually feel great, and confident, and physically ok soon after the birth, you really really will RESENT someone other than your DH and baby muscling in on that really special, personal time. You will hate her being there, even if you love her, so don't let it happen.

You really need to make this clear to your DH - that it's not his mum's place to be around during the majority of this time, that it is likely to damage a good relationship if she does, and also - why does he want that? Make him think about it and talk honestly about why he is so keen to elbow his mum into your first few weeks as a new family, his NEW primary family unit. Make it clear that he will be needed in those first weeks, by you, more than he has ever been needed before, in a most intense and personal way. It would be impossible for him to fulfil this role as your husband with someone else looking on, needing conversation, someone not within your partnership. Totally inappropriate. And you will also need your personal space in a way you have never needed it before - to wander round, boobs out, at 3am without worrying about a houseguest, to not shower for a week, to eat odd meals at odd times, to cry and be moody and tired and emotional and unreasonable. He will be all those things too.

He needs to talk to her now. If she's as nice as you say, then she WILL understand - she's had children herself - and if the grandma broodiness has taken over and she doesn't want to take no for an answer, then make damn sure you put your foot down even harder, because if she's shaping up to want to be IN THERE and DOING STUFF with your baby, then it's 100% certain that you will end up falling out massively.

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