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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about MIL coming to stay for 4 months after DC is born

100 replies

letsgorunning · 07/09/2011 22:38

First off I love my MIL she is a wonderful person and we get on like a house on fire.

DH is Danish, I'm not. (we met out there as I lived there for about a decade and speak danish fluently and to each other)
We moved back to the UK about a year ago and first DC due in 2 mnths.

She wants to come over for 4 months straight after baby is born and stay with us the whole time.
DH I know misses his family, our DC will be first Grandchild etc etc. And he would love her to come for that length of time and stay with us, see newborn DC.

But 4 months?!?!?

As much as I love her I don't want her staying in the house and here generally as soon as I've given birth for that length of time. (I do mean as soon as, she was saying she would get the soonest flight possible once she knows I've gone into labour)

DH really wants her to come so AIBU about it??

OP posts:
ThePosieParker · 08/09/2011 07:36

YANBU. Not justification needed.

Ciske · 08/09/2011 07:41

No that sounds like a really bad idea. My parents live in a different country and yes, they jumped on the boat as soon as DD was born. But they made a point of only staying for a few days and book a hotel rather than staying at our home, because they didn't want to disturb us too much with the new baby.

As you say, you will completely wrapped up with your new baby and should be free to walk around lthe house ooking like a mess, cry your eyes out, get up at night to do feeds and not worry about guests.

DaGinster · 08/09/2011 08:01

A late post as the shock of such a visit left me polaxed on the floor..... my MIL came for 3 days on day 3 of DD life and that was just about enough. Offering to go shopping and then requiring a list was just one thing that after a 4 day induction I could have done without! The constant "oh we didn't do that in my day, don't things change" comments drove me insane. I could go on. All of which with 8 hours sleep would have been water off a ducks back.

ledkr · 08/09/2011 08:17

I better not comment much but if you search my threads you will see why you shouldnt let this happen. My and Dh's failure to stand up for what we wanted after dd's birth continues to affect us all 7 months later.

venusandmars · 08/09/2011 10:32

How much of is it about different cultures?

My friend married a Scandinavian, and when they had their first dc they moved into her PIL's house (flat in the basement). The situation was similar for many of their friends. In that particualr culture it was expected that the extended family would have a very active role in supporting the new parents.

My friend was a bit Hmm but she said that because it was normal in their culture it was done in a way which was not interfering, and she said that there seemed to be very little PND amongst her friends in similar situations.

ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged · 08/09/2011 11:06

Nooooooooooooo!!!

Seriously, if you get on so well with her then please say no. Just explain that you want to get to know your baby in your own time and that it would be more appropriate to come for a (much shorter!) visit later on

I'm normally really sociable, but I had my first LO four weeks ago and I resent visitors who stay longer than an hour, let alone four months!!! This may be because if I'm home alone I spend most of my time topless so I can feed easily and when people come round I find clothes get in the way!!

pootlebug · 08/09/2011 11:08

No no no no no no and again NO.

I agree with everyone else that at the very least you should have some or all of your H's paternity leave for just the three of you. If she really wants to spend some time when he's not at work, maybe she could come for the last 4 or 5 days of his paternity leave.

And 4 months is way waaaaay too long. Once you get into the swing of things a bit, it's possible you'd want to go out and socialise with other new mums / other friends etc. To be fair I know that isn't everyone's cup of tea....but without family nearby I really needed the social aspects of mums running group / rhyme time / coffee mornings / breastfeeding cafe etc until I got to know people. Would she be happy with you heading out and doing this? As otherwise when she leaves I'd worry that you'd find yourself feeling quite isolated.

ErnesttheBavarian · 08/09/2011 11:16

Thing is, OP knows it's a bad idea. She needs help in convincing dh it's the wrong thing to do, so that he will be much more supportive of the decision, rather than resentful OP is flat refusing.

I'm sure he sees it as the perfect solution - mil & OP get on well, there'll be loads of work, both parents are 'learners' etc etc. On paper, and to someone who's never had a baby (and possibly feeling a bit nervous and wanting an experience, free 'nanny' almost) it probably seems so logical.

But there's no logic in having a baby, especially not the 1st. And it's possibly really difficult to convey that. The sheer physical, emotional exhaustion is all encompassing. I've had 4 now, and I wouldn't have anyone over for more than a couple of hours. I remember visits when after 10 minutes I was ready to snatch my baby back and run away and hide.

OP I wouldn't normally suggest showing a MN thread to yr dh, but in this instance, where there is 100% agreement it is a disasterous idea, it might help him understand. What will happen to you will be wonderful, but it will also be very challenging and hard and emotionally draining. You definately need so much privacy and peace. You don't need convincing, but your dh does.

TBH, no matter how well you get on, I am surprised yr mil would even consider it. At the outside, a much shorter visit, with her staying eslwhere and being available for visit during the day. She should not stay I don't think, not even for a week until you've really found your feet.

Good luck.

aftereight · 08/09/2011 11:24

NO!!!
I think you should explain to your DH that it's not about rejecting his mum, it's about doing all you can to establish your relationship with your child and maintain your relationship with him. With the best will in the world, even a week of your MIL staying with you straight after the birth will not help.
Can you suggest that she visits for a few days (2 or 3 max) after the birth whilst your DH is still on paternity leave? Then for a week again in a couple of months?
I feel for you. When my MIL arrived at the hospital and casually announced that she intended to stay for a week after my DS was born, I told DH that neither I nor the baby were coming home from hospital until PIL had gone to a B&B. I overreacted hugely, and it upset MIL, but I needed space to bond with my baby.

sheeplikessleep · 08/09/2011 11:25

4 months?!?!? Shock

Deflatedballoonbelly · 08/09/2011 11:25

Fuck that. I would rather shit in my hands then clap.

TimothyClaypoleLover · 08/09/2011 11:30

OMG! Good grief, no! My mum came to stay for 9 days after the birth of DD and that was far too long. DH felt pushed out and unable to bond and agree with what others have said about baby not being able to settle into routine once the extra guest goes. Someone also suggested 4 weeks as a compromise and I think that is far too long as well. It is so important to have family time for the three of you to bond. Can MIL stay with a relative or just visit for a week initially and then come for another visit in a month or so?

ShoutyHamster · 08/09/2011 11:38

Yes OP - show your DH this thread, then have a chat.

I think the bottom line is that you make it clear that it isn't going to happen, but you want that to be from a point of him understanding that it has NOTHING to do with your MIL (who you have said in your thread that you love and admire). He does not need to feel hurt or that his mum is being 'excluded' in some way - it is quite simply a fact that trying to have ANYONE ELSE among the new baby and its parents for those first weeks is a terrible, terrible idea and one guaranteed to cause stress, bad feeling, and falling out.

A good compromise would be the first few days alone (preferably a week if she needs to book flights - if you have a difficult birth, a week will be quite soon) then a visit where your MIL STAYS IN A HOTEL OR B&B - no budging on this. That visit to be not more than three days.

Then in a month or so another few days visit, and so on.

I am a bit Hmm anyway about the 4 months and don't think it's a good sign that your DH is enthusiastic. Four months, when she's only in Denmark? Even if she was in Oz a month would be a long time, but would be understandable. Denmark is a short haul flight away. This isnt about her needing to squash in a big visit time, it seems to be that she wants to be THERE for your newborn stage. If she gets her way, your relationship will fall apart, and you and your DH's relationship won't get off lightly either. NO-ONE needs a house guest for four months, least of all a new family.

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/09/2011 11:44

No, for all the reasons already given by others.

But - where does the 4 months come from? Why 4 months?

Naoko · 08/09/2011 11:57

There is no one in the world I like enough that I'd want them in my house for 4 months, for any reason, unless it actually physically could not be helped, or they had nowhere else to go. Don't do it.

juneau · 08/09/2011 12:41

Four months????? Bloody hell - that's FAR too long! And she only lives in Denmark - she can pop over any time she likes so why stay for such a hideously long time? I just don't see how anyone could think that was reasonable.

As many others have said - you will resent her like hell for imposing on you for all that time. I understand your DH missing his family, but he's not even going to be around - you'll be entertaining her! My DS2 will be four months old on Saturday and I cannot, for the life of me, imagine having had a house guest for his entire life to date. My general take on house guests is in line with Noel Coward's i.e. that they're like fish and start to smell after three days. My own mother came and stayed with me after both my children were born - 10 days after DS1 and 8 after DS2. I'd have had her for long TBH, as she was just fab and so helpful, but my in-laws? Oh God no!

Please speak to your husband and get him to make her see reason. A short initial visit is appropriate and regular visits thereafter (for no more than a few days at a time), will allow her to bond with her grandchild and give you three the space to enjoy your new little family in peace. Anything else would be hell IMHO.

aftereight · 08/09/2011 17:35

OP, have you had a chance to speak to your DH yet?

mrszimmerman · 08/09/2011 17:40

I think it's understandable she and dh want it but it's FAR too long for anyone who has lived apart from family as an adult.

Why not space it out so she comes and goes a bit like for three fortnights over that time? Even that's quite long.

I think you may need to bond as a family a little yourselves.

Also I don't think ANYONE really knows how they are going to feel about things til after the arrival of dc particularly first born. One minute you are yourself as you have been your whole life and the next minute you will never be the same again. It's beyond an identity crisis. Having m in law might be overwhelming for some people as they try to find their feet. Nothing worse than subtle pressure about sensitive issues like feeding, routines etc.
But if you LOVE her, have her, but not for that long, maybe three longish visits or two?

mrszimmerman · 08/09/2011 17:43

my adorable inlaws appeared the night ds (first born) was born, in the hospital in the evening, no warning, they didn't even ask! She was lovely but I felt immediate pressure about not feeling I had to 'feed the baby myself' i.e. bf, she was deranged with a desire to give ds a bottle so she could feed him too.

Lovely but if she's tried to stay for four months I would have had to consider leaving them all!

Mishy1234 · 08/09/2011 17:46

4 months!!!! Far, far too long imo.

There's no way I would want my own mother staying for 4 months after I had a baby. My MIL was around a fair amount, but only because they live nearby and it was a quick visit here and there, she wasn't actually staying with us.

You NEED SPACE after having a baby and in the months afterwards. You must stop this idea now, or it will end in disaster. A week is enough and in a hotel, not actually in your house.

Halbanoo · 08/09/2011 17:53

Four months? Oooh, no no no. My DS was my mother's first (and only) grandchild. Whilst we now live an ocean apart, at the time she was a mere 1200 miles away across the country. She came when he was 2 weeks old and stayed another 2 weeks. That was PLENTY.

For your sanity you need to put your foot down. If nothing else, it'll destroy any efforts you've made to establish yourself as a confident mother.

Georgimama · 08/09/2011 17:56

4 months? One third of a year? No fucking way. There is no one who would be permitted to come and stay for four months in my house just after I had a baby. Madness. Complete utter madness.

You have to put your foot down right now on this. I am all for family visiting babies, I don't subscribe to the MN collective wisdom that seems to think a newly delivered mother will automatically be incapable of dressing or conducting herself like a normal adult for weeks on end post partum - I am very much get on with it. I also believe that a new baby is significant for the extended family and their involvement should be welcomed. But that said I don't think anyone should come and stay for at least six weeks after delivery, and even then only for a night or two. She could come for a week when the baby is about six or eight weeks old if you feel up to it, and then again six weeks later for another week. That's plenty.

These people who say they will help - they never do help. They lapse into house guest mode and expect to be waited on. No no no no.

Barmix · 08/09/2011 18:04

Jeez I've got palpitations for you.

I had my own mother with me for a total of 5 weeks when I had DD. Two weeks before and 3 weeks after. Night-bloody-mare.

Plus an aunt staying (as well as mum) for 2 weeks after the birth.

Plus MIL lives ACROSS THE ROAD - you can only imagine how it went.

I love my family with all my heart but if DP and I ever have another child, we are having no one to stay for at least 3 years months.

(God, reading that back I sound like an ungrateful cow. I appreciated all their help but it was suffocating beyond belief).

DaisyDaresYOU · 08/09/2011 18:33

Dnt do it.My dad and his wife came up to mine for a whole week.It was hell.I wanted me and my dp to take dd out for a walk but because it started raining a little bit the wife made us stay in.This was for nearly whole week until I said no no no i'm taking her for a walk.I was tired,groggy,bleeding loads,in pain and had to speak to the mws about personal stuff whilst they were there in the same room.I did tell them she was coming around.Did they think of going out No.Argh!don't think they realised what a mw visit entails.Oh and they done fuck all whilst there,put no money towards food either,didn't cook or make tea.Selfish people

DaisyDaresYOU · 08/09/2011 18:38

Oh and I had a toddler,so whilst dp was looking after the toddler,he had another 2people to run around after.When to be honest he didn't want to but he done he done it for me to give me a rest