AIBU about MIL coming to stay for 4 months after DC is born

[letsgorunning]

First off I love my MIL she is a wonderful person and we get on like a house on fire.

DH is Danish, I'm not. (we met out there as I lived there for about a decade and speak danish fluently and to each other)
We moved back to the UK about a year ago and first DC due in 2 mnths.

She wants to come over for 4 months straight after baby is born and stay with us the whole time.
DH I know misses his family, our DC will be first Grandchild etc etc. And he would love her to come for that length of time and stay with us, see newborn DC.

But 4 months?!?!?

As much as I love her I don't want her staying in the house and here generally as soon as I've given birth for that length of time. (I do mean as soon as, she was saying she would get the soonest flight possible once she knows I've gone into labour)

DH really wants her to come so AIBU about it??

NO! Don't do it. Give yourself some time to bond with the baby and for you, your DP and baby to be a family. After a couple weeks MIL to come but in a time frame you can cope with.Maybe 2 weeks at a time across the year or what ever suits.

Have you heard the analogy about relatives and fish? "Relatives are like fish - after a few days they begin to stink."

Why the bloody bollocks would you even think of agreeing to this?

INGEN VEY!

Tell your DH that you want time for you and him to become parents together, by yourselves, and to get used to that, before any other person comes in. And, you know, you really do need this if you and he plan to parent equally.

The MIL or mother coming to stay is a very old fashioned approach, developed to take care of the new mother in the days when men went straight back to work and could never be expected to change a nappy. Your DH has more to lose as a father thaan you do as a mother, IMO, if his mother becomes a sort of 'second parent' to the baby in you first months of parenting.

Tell him you need to learn to be a parent with him - and most especially in the first week.

You and he will never ever get that time back - those first days with your newborn. It's nothing to do with how lovely your MIL may or may not be, it's about your new lives as parents, as a family, and with your newborn.

My mother came to my house whilst I was in labour, and stayed for about a month. It was wonderful - she cooked for me, and took the baby so I could have a nap, and generally kept things running whilst I figured out the whole having a baby stuff. It was fantastic, and I cried when it was time for her to go home.

So I guess it depends on whether your MiL sees herself as coming as a helper or a guest - and whether you can cope with that. It can be just the thing if she is able to be supportive without being pushy or bossy.

4 months is a bit much though....

Oh look at that - I'm the only person posting who had help after having my baby and really appreciated it. Maybe my mother is a very rare sort of person indeed!

I have to comment though - I couldn't stand my MiL being around for more than 10 minutes when the baby was new. But actually my tolerance for her isn't much longer at other times either....

Regardless of what your mil's like if you don't want it but it happens means it will not work out for you.

Denmark is very near - can she not come for a long weekend when baby is wee so she can fall in love with her grandchild and then come again a bit later?

My mil came over from overseas at 3 weeks even though I'd said wait till 6 weeks (as she's highly emotionally dependent and will not step out of the house unaccompanied and has eating issues) but dh and her went over my head. He allowed her to be overbearing and undermining (wouldn't hand me back my baby to breastfeed etc) and it was hell on earth to the point that ds would not sleep and it showed in his growth charts. The day she left things just fell into place and got much better. But resentment is huge.

But that's my mil. Your mil might be different however if it's not what you want in the first weeks then you must have this conversation with your dh right now. Make it honest and frank without dh feeling his dm is unwanted.

Oakmaiden - can I ask, do you have a dp/dh living with you, and was he as happy as you that your mum came to stay?

I would have found my Mum helpful in a practical sense, and she is lovely, but i would still have found it hard to make sure DH had his place as an equal parent with me with my Mum doing her enthusiastic gran bit! And he was more than capable and willing to do all the cooking / cleaning / shopping when i was tired or spending hours bf. It gave him his role.

Yes, I had my husband there too. He didn't have much time off work though, and he is useless at household stuff. He is better now, but at the time (13 years ago!) he was completely clueless. And he didn't mind my mum being there - she does stay regularly though. She is not really a guest when she comes here - more of a sometimes absent member of the household. I was just talking to him about it actually, and probably why it worked so well for us is that my Mum was there and willing to do the "background tasks" without comment, and never tried to tell me how to do things with the baby unless I asked, but was completely supportive of the way I wanted to do things. She didn't bath the baby until towards the end of her stay with us - and I remember saying "Oh, that is SOOO much easier than the way I was doing it!" and she said "I know dear, but I knew you wouldn't want me trying to tell you how to do everything."

I completely understand that my experience may be "not the norm" - just wanted to say that the right support after baby is born can be wonderful. And sometimes the older generation can be a vast resource we are too proud and stubborn to utilise.

You must show your DH this thread.

It sounds like hell on earth. I feel sick at the mere thought of it.

You are the one giving birth, attemting breast feeding, coping on little sleep, being hormonal and on the steep learning curve of motherhood. What happens has to fit around YOUR needs and what ever makes YOU happy. He is just thinkinhg about himself and his mother. His needs and his mothers needs are secondary to everything and count for very little post birth. You never hear a health visitor prioritise the MIL or the DH!! Mine told me just the other day that if the mother is happy, the whole family thrives.

My lovely mum came to stay with us for TWO weeks and it was a nightmare. Yes she did help around the house but she also took over in relation to baby and she got in the way of bonding. Never again. Even three years down the line i carry a bit of resentment about what happened. But even the nicest of nicest people will drive a new mum bonkers quickly. You will have to do millions of tiny annoying things that get in the way - like thinking about what you are having for lunch when infact you are on your knees and desperate to snooze while baby snoozes. Putting up with stupid advice.

These first few months have to be about your new little family and bonding. It's like being consumed in a little baby bubble and it's such a special time. You can never get that time back.

The best thing you can do is wait til baby is born and then decide about what you want to happen. Maybe arrange a cleaner for the first 6 months. Maybe ask MIL to pop over for one week once your hubby has gone back to work. She could even do a flying for a couple of nights once you are out of hospital but she must be aware that any visits will involve her cleaning/cooking/shopping for food etc while you lol around bonding and recovering. She will also be staying in a hotel so you can have some much needed space.

I agree with babybythesea. My MIL is so lovely and I think there are massive positives to them staying but mine was with me for 6 weeks and it was too long. I think for the first couple of weeks they feel privileged to be with you and your baby, and help rather than boss you about, but much longer than that, in my experience, begin to feel like they have a right to tell you what to do, rather than advise. And when you're tired, trying to bond with your baby, and in your own home it's too much. I'd say three or four weeks max - any longer and you'll start to get fed up.

Thank you all so very much

I did do what some of you suggested and showed DH this thread (at around half 6) after very long conversation we decided (your comments about how I will be feeling/us all bonding where really helpful in this) that to call her tomorrow (got too late and it actually wore us out) and explain about why we say thanks but that we don't think 4 months would suit (and we will tell her the actual reasons why we feel this)
So we've decided to suggest:

That we will skype her/video call (and ask BIL to set it up for her) when baby is born for a few minutes so she can see her new GC.
Then suggest that she visits halfway though DH 3rd week of PL then stay for about 10 days (DH wanted longer than a week so we settled on 10)
Then maybe come for around a week when baby is about 3/4 months
And then sort out other visiting dates and lengths when she is here.
We've also decided to pre say to her (ask not be pushy about it) if she would mind when she is here making a bunch of meals for us to freeze. (hoping to give her a 'purpose' etc not just visting and being a 'guest')

I know why some of you said about her staying in a hotel/with somone else but speaking to DH and his feelings about it and knowing myself (I have lived with her before - I was her lodger many years ago and that is how I met DH) But luckily me and DH have a en-suit so she will have a bathroom to herself so hoping that will make it easier (and I could lock myself away with baby if I need to)

Mange tak :D

Great news that you have reached a happy compromise

oakmaiden - I appreciated my MIL being there as well so no, you're not the only one. She was very helpful BUT I would still have gone mad if she hadn't had outside people to take her out once in a while (I still remember well DH suggesting I should make more of an effort to "entertain her", both at 40+w pg and with a newborn - he got short shrift.)

Letsgo - so glad you showed your DH this thread and he has taken it on board - hope the conversation goes well with your MIL! :)

Really pleased you were able to talk and that your dh was open enough to listen and take on board the comments.

Fwiw, my mil was fantastic, i got on with her really well and really appreciated her help. I got on with her miles better than with my own mum, and was ale to cope with her staying much much easier.

Surprisingly though, some things she did re new baby really wound me up and i had to really think about the bigger oicture. At the time it seemed so impotant and intense. Now, years later, dc1 is 12, she never got to see dc4 as she tragically died 4 years ago, it all seems so silly, but blimey some things made me FUME. eg i just assumed she would be ' grandma', while she wanted to be 'nanny' ( which really grated on me) , or she would buy obsene amounts of presents, some of them totally age inappropriate ( little gc so advanced!:)). So one last piece of advice is to be aware of some conflicts that at your normal sane state would't bother you, but in your over tired, and pressured and new mum stamping her mark on the situation vs older more experienced threat - honestly, the arrival of, esp 1st grandchild really does seem to bring out the mil/ dil rivalry like none other. Really took me by surprise. So be aware, and be prepared to compromise and take deep breaths.

Hope you enjoy her visit though, and the help she can bring. I miss my wonderful mil. nanny. Gah, still grates.

Well done on the compromise. I had my parents for 6 weeks then mil for 5. And actually, bar a few niggled, they were both great. However, both dh and I have other family nearby who took our parents for days at a time which helped. And by the end we were both desperate to have the space to ourselves so 4 months is too long.

However, if you get on well and she is practical etc, I think your solution could work. My mum cooked and tidied and shopped which was fantastic and even sat with him some evenings while we passed out fir a few hours. Mil doesn't cook but she shopped, or organised take out etc. She was harder because she's not independent so I would say how much you enjoy her visitv will depend a lot on how capable of just getting on with it she is.

Actually, I'd second Ernest on her later points - it's possible (although not a given) that you'll be quite possessive over your new baby and will not want Grandma to do too much with the baby. One thing that used to drive me into silent killer rage was when she used to clap DS on the bum, really quite hard! Or so it seemed to me in my PFB new mum state. And when she used to call him her little pork chop; and talk about him "filling his duds" (a loathsome phrase).

Silent Killer Rage is all it was though - I used to just walk out of the room for a bit and go and scream into a pillow rather than upsetting her.

For e it was " cough up chicken" i mean, wtf that all about? Really irritating for no real reason i suppose. Glad i managed to bite my tongue.

Or the constant comments comparing dc to dh as a baby, or how he was such a typical 'their surname', like i had no genetic input whatsoever, and my only role or contriution was a 9 month incubator and now he was theirs all theirs. Mwahaha.

Totally irational but there you go. Lock the knife drawer.

I'm really surprised at the flood of advice that goes just the one way re it is a disastrous idea.

this may be because I had my babies a long time ago but from what I can remember I nearly lost my mind with tiredness etc and would have dearly loved someone there to take the load sometimes. I remember sobbing because I couldn't plug in the kettle with one hand (baby on shoulder) and would have so loved having someone there to plug in that kettle for me - or someone who put the kettle on full stop. My mum came to stay for a week and it was not enough, I needed more. In the end a young girl came from the church to help out and she was a total godsend (literally!). I don't know where she is and can't even remember her name but I'll never forget her I am so grateful.

A lot of yous are seeing MIL (or dm)'s presence as a guest, or that the MIL etc wants to come for her own benefit. your MIL saying she will get on the plane the minute you go into labour imo suggests that she sees her role as supportive, not coming to muscle in for herslef, but for you and DH.

I also think this is a cultural thing; this is obviously how they do it in Denmark and, from what a previous poster suggested, it works for them. We've become so independent in britain I think.

But there we are, that's how we are and we see those first weeks/months as sacrosanct and the thought of an outsider coming in fills us with horror. I married a foreigner and his mother came to stay for some awfully long time and in the end I would cheerfully have buried her under the patio, even though she is one of life's saints, a gorgeous woman. But I am british and it was too long.

I hope you get something sorted that suits you both - sounds like you are (hope MIL is ok with it and it goes down well).

and while I'm here, I would just like to say how deeply impressed I am that you speak fluent Danish.

springy-great point but unfortunately an awfull lot of mil do act like guests still and sit around expecting meals tea and coffees,now even if the dh does all this it is still taking him away from helping Mum and baby.My mil kicked off the night i came home with dd,having had a section 2 days earlier. She was meant to go straight home but instead came in and said she was hungry,by way of a compromise dh offered a sandwhich,she then had apaddy cos she "needed more than sandwhich"
To keep the peace dh then cooked a meal for pil.I was still in my coat sat on the sofa with dd 1 and 2,she didnt even offer me a drink.
Not that im still angry grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I would hate that. No you are not being unreasonable to ask that this does not happen...you need to feel as relaxed and comfortable as possible after having a baby, not uptight because someone else is there to entertain.

sorry for not reading the rest...well done on your compromise (still think youre brave on the 10 days though!)

"someone else is there to entertain". Why would the OP feel she has to entertain her MIL? Your experiences aside ledkr what a horribly selfish nightmare MIL, I would hope that if/when my kids have children I will be there to be the dogsbody and ease the way for the new parentsto enjoy their new baby / look after any toddlers etc while the parents get on with the new baby. etc.

btw OP, someone gave me some excellent advice when I was pg with first: while you're flopping around looking like a whale, cook! and fill the freezer with meals. Saved our lives when the time came and I couldn't even plug in the kettle.

Sounds like a nightmare to me. You'll just want to be a little family and not be worrying about someone else, surely?

There is potential here for you to fall out with your MIL who you've got such a lovely relationship with at the moment. You may be irritable and emotional and have some kind of outburst at her when you're at your lowest end-of-your-tether moment. Warn your DH of this and he might take steps to prevent her coming for such a long time.

Oops sorry, just caught up.