AIBU about MIL coming to stay for 4 months after DC is born

[letsgorunning]

First off I love my MIL she is a wonderful person and we get on like a house on fire.

DH is Danish, I'm not. (we met out there as I lived there for about a decade and speak danish fluently and to each other)
We moved back to the UK about a year ago and first DC due in 2 mnths.

She wants to come over for 4 months straight after baby is born and stay with us the whole time.
DH I know misses his family, our DC will be first Grandchild etc etc. And he would love her to come for that length of time and stay with us, see newborn DC.

But 4 months?!?!?

As much as I love her I don't want her staying in the house and here generally as soon as I've given birth for that length of time. (I do mean as soon as, she was saying she would get the soonest flight possible once she knows I've gone into labour)

DH really wants her to come so AIBU about it??

Denmark isn't even that far away.

Oh - and search for similar threads on here. There are many, many sad stories of women who allowed themselves to be pressured into these kind of situations. It can ruin a previously good relationship and cause bitter resentment between partners. It's SUCH an emotional time. It's such an amazing time too, it is for you and your husband alone, and you won't get it back. I too feel a bit anxious for you - it's your first baby, it WILL matter in a way you can't imagine, even if you have a great birth (it goes treble if you don't). Don't let it be a time of stress - it's essential that you and the baby's needs come way, way before other relatives at the beginning, and that you bond as an immediate family first.

Can I also add that getting her to cook etc may not work? I am not a great cook, my MIL is. I was hopeful I'd at least be well fed. But in fact she suggested cooking a lot, but never got round to it. Sometimes she'd mutter about it and then say that we didn't have what she needed to do the meal so either we'd have to go shopping (which never happened) or I'd just get on with cooking while she held the baby for me...
A week or so of that would have been fine. A month was hard work. I just kept repeating to myself that she had come from New Zealand for this, a short visit was never going to be an option and she'll hardly ever get to see her dd, so I just sucked it up and got on with it. But if you have other options, use them!

This is such a difficult situation to be in - on the one hand you have the grandmother of your child who wants to be as involved as possible but lives too far away for frequent, short visits and you have your child's father possibly wanting his Mum around to help support your new family unit in the same way as presumably you have your own family around.

On the other hand - you will be learning how to adjust as a family of 3, how to handle feeding and night waking and playtime and nappies and everything else that goes along with a newborn. You will need time and space to recover from the birth, you will need time and space to adjust to being a mother as well as a wife, you will need to be able to learn your own routines and tricks and "your ways" that work for you.

No matter how much you love your MiL, she will be another person, in your house - you possibly won't feel that you can relax, you'll worry over if the baby is waking her at night, you will (as has been said) resent every moment that small bundle is being cuddled by someone else. You'll get all the crap of childcare (night waking, nappies, feeding, grottiness for god knows what reason) and none of the fun parts (playing, cuddling, pushing the pram even) - because she'll want as many of those as possible before she has to leave.

And I'm speaking as someone who has officially the Best MiL in the World. She's moving in with us for 6 months soon and I can't wait - however my children are older and it will be a very different scenario.

I would try and compromise on both where she stays and how long she stays for in the first instance and suggest a longer trip when the baby is older. Also see if you can get booked into a local midwifery led unit for a few days after the birth to help you get feeding etc established (they have set visiting times!).

Good luck :)

I love my mother in law. She's helpful, kind, caring etc but I would NOT have her living with us for 4 months, which is SUCH a long time, directly after giving birth. No way. Get her to come over for 2 weeks when the baby is about 3 weeks old maybe.

HahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaNO.

Absolutely bonkers idea. Bonkers. Really really bonkers. Denmark's not that far - could she not fly over every so often instead?

This is mad!! Why on earth is she suggesting 4 months??! Even under normal circumstances that is a crazy amount of time to stay with someone!! As the others say, Denmark is hardly a long haul flight!

Christ on a bike, no way!

Tell DH that it'll be fine as long as he is happy to be divorced and find MIL under the ruddy patio!.

No, no, no, no. Words must be had, you can NOT let his love for his dear mother, nice as she is, cause you that much upset and work.

No, no, no!

My mother in law was great, and was present at my DD's birth as my mum couldn't get there in time.

BUT there is absolutely no way I would have had her living with me for 4 months in the newborn phase!

Like others have said you need to give it several weeks with just you and DH to bond, get used to feeding and trying to get out of the house.

She lives in Denmark so is not so far away/expensive to travel that it couldn't be done in several visits that work for you.

Say one short (thinking a week max) early out where she stays in a hotel and not with you and visits in the day to help out. Another after 6-8 weeks when breastfeeding will hopefully be established so the odd EBM bottle could be given if you want a break (nap/bath/swim/shop) and another at four month mark just in time for the sleep regression so she can take baby while you catch up on sleep!

Stipulate before hand that you will not be making meals for the first visit and have some cold lunch stuff that she can make sandwiches from in the fridge if she is hungry, breakfast can be at hotel and DH can sort dinner.

Your DH will not be waking every hour to breastfeed in the first weeks so has no rights to demand that MIL stays. Oh and also make sure that he is responsible for cleaning up after MIL even if she doesn't stay as you will have enough to do.

My mum did come a lot in the first few days after DD was born which I was grateful for as post EMCS I was very sore. She cleaned, washed baby clothes by hand (no washing machine + lots of runny baby poo= nightmare) and made me food and drinks. She also held DD when had a quick nap (unless she was hungry), I went to the loo or had a bath. Relatives can be helpful so long as they know their role and respect your boundaries.

I second the comments about the circumstances surrounding a baby's arrival in your family (Especially a first baby) can linger forever. I ended up in totally inappropriate situations. I still resent a lot of things that I was forced to do by my in laws. At times it made me an even more demented hoarder of my own baby. My lovely DH, being new to the fatherhood business, was useless in managing the overbearing demands of my inlaws regarding THEIR grandchild. Second time round he managed them much better and although I LOVE my MIL now and she would do anything for my kids, I still can't completely forgive her for not just letting us be. I wish I had realised that following the birth, I would have to encourage my DH to learn to manage his parents and realise that he was transitioning from one PRIMARY family to another.

Speak to your DH. Find a solution together!

OP - give and take. Speak to your husband, not hordes of anonymous people on message boards.

Echoing so many people here! I love my MIL dearly, she came home with me, DH and DS from the hospital shortly after DS's birth and I wouldn't have had it any other way. However, that was for a couple of nights. Four months is madness - surely a wind up by your DH ?

You will have no memories of your new baby's infant stage that don't include your MiL. Another YANBU and NO, OMFG NO.

Please don't do it.

My MiL arrived the day the baby was born and didn't stay that long (less than a week). I love her but I wanted to kick her out. It didn't help that she brought DP's brother who spent the entire time on the fucking xbox, but to be honest she was one more person to worry about in the house.

Even my own mother, who came for 2 days and said (I quote), "I'm here for you, whatever you need, shopping, cleaning, just tell me!" had a hissy fit because neither me nor DP sprang up to get her a coffee when she walked in the door.

If she wants to stay for that long, she needs to stay elsewhere, but ideally she shouldn't be coming for that long anyway.

Just in case the message is a bit unclear...absolutely no way! I love my MIL to bits and I found it hard when she visited from 10 miles down the road every day. I remember crying round Sainsburys when dd was about a week old because they insisted that I leave dd with them for a while so they could have dd to themselves I could have a break. I was literally frog-marched out of the door.

No this is a bad idea, you need time to find your feet just the three of you and having another person in the house for the first four months will be hell.

We live overseas so no family nearby after DD was born my DH and I spent the first 2 weeks just the three of us, then he went back to work and my DM came over for 10 days, but she had to stay in a hotel as we lived in a 1 bed apartment then. When DD was about 6 weeks MIL came for 2 weeks, and also stayed in a hotel.

I am actually glad we couldn't accommodate them as there is no way I wanted to 'look after' any house guests so soon after having a baby. I really think you need your own space during that time.

4 months is waaaay too long.
My MIL is Australian, DS was born in the UK - my mum had died while I was pg so I invited her over for a couple of months around the time DS was going to be born. He was 2w late, so she was with me for 2.5w heavily pg, and then 5.5w after he was born.

DH had 2w standard pat leave (well, annual leave but whatever) and I can tell you now, if it hadn't been for the fact that there were other relatives in the area (DH's aunties on his Dad's side, so MIL's SILs) I would have gone stark staring bonkers having her there. The SILs took her out and about, which allowed me time alone with DS (necessary) and pre-birth, time to just lie around and be uncomfortable without having to fret that MIL was bored.

I get on pretty well with MIL but didn't know her that well - she is the sort of person who would do anything for anyone (too much sometimes) and she tried so hard to be unobtrusive and just fit in - and it was still quite hard.

So - I would suggest you cut it right down to 4 weeks, with perhaps the offer of another visit later in the year as well - but please don't allow her to come for 4months, it may spell the end of a beautiful relationship with her. :(

I'm worried about the bathroom situation. I was so leaky and broken and bleedy and ugh. Getting out of the shower with a fountain from each boob. Needing to psych myself up to have a poo. Pick n mix of sanitary protection by the loo. I claimed our ensuite bathroom for myself and really relied on the extra bit of privacy and dignity that gave me. Hope you won't be sharing a bathroom with mil.

Please don't do it, my mil invited herself to stay after the birth of DC1 and it took years for me to forgive her.

My MIL is lovely, with my first, she stayed over when I was due, since DH works away from home, she took me into hospital, in fact. She stayed and helped for a few days after. And she did help, too, made meals, did housework, didn't insist on anything. I was grateful she was there. But I was glad when she left, too - just having someone else around is a little bit of a strain, and it adds up. She came for a week to help after my second was born too, and I was glad of the help and missed her when she left, but wouldn't have wanted her to stay much longer.

I wouldn't want my own mother to stay for 4 months. So say no, politely and gently. I'm sure if she's as lovely as you say, she'll be disappointed but will understand.

Four months?

OMG- that sounds tooooooooo long!

Does your husband have to take all of his paternity leave at one go?

Could he have some immediately & the rest when his mum comes a couple of weeks or whatever later when you feel up to it?

Denmark isn´t that expensive/long a flight is it that say a more than a month at most is "necessary" iyswim.

So for example one week just you three, 2 wks you three plus MIL, 2wks you, baby plus MIL whilst husband working.

Or MIL just comes for a couple of weeks which you do either as part of your husband´s paternity leave or not.

My parents stay for 4wks at a time & that is plenty.

They figure it´s not worth it for less!

I´m only in Germany so I think they are taking the piss a bit, but they are in their 80s & I´m grateful that they are still travelling to us atm.